Taking my daughters birthday money if she doesn’t go on her trip?

[TheGreyPeer]

Hi
My daughter is 13 turning 14 in May. In December her school announced a trip to France which will be activity outdoors based. She begged me to go. Initially I said no because they wanted 5 monthly instalments of £110 which would be a stretch. I am a single working mum with a huge mortgage and no child support. I work bank as a nurse.

She complained about this and said all her friends were going and she felt like the odd one out. She stopped complaining and felt genuinely upset so I told her I would pay for it but she had to be sure she would go. She was very thankful and said she was absolutely certain she wanted to go. I took on extra shifts to pay for the monthly instalments. Her passport had also expired so I had to pay for that.

Now, it’s 7 days till she is due to go and she doesn’t want to. Her reason is that she thought she wanted to go but now she’s changed her mind and just “doesn’t want to” no real reason, just doesn’t want to. I think a big part is that one of her friends can’t go anymore (due to illness) but she has 3 other close friends who are going and who are rooming together with her.

I have told her if she doesn’t want to go, she needs to pay me back as the the trip is not refundable. I’ve said that I won’t be giving her birthday money this year (I usually give £200) and that any money she gets from grandparents, aunties etc I will also be taking. I’ve said she can then do chores to work or the rest until it’s repaid.

She doesn’t agree with this and says I’m being unfair. AIBU?

I agree with those saying to calmly explain why she has to go. She's made a commitment, you don't back out of commitments.

Everyone gets cold feet about this sort of thing she just needs to be talked round. Some people might disagree with me but I honestly believe that doing things you don't want to do (within reason!) is part of growing up. It's our job as adults to explain why they're worth doing.

I don’t think you are BU. I’m a single parent and have to be quite strict sometimes with one of my DDs who seems to think obey is endless. She wanted to go on a y6 residential. I was surprised as I didn’t think she would as she has joined but quit lots of activities. I paid the installments then she decided she didn’t want to go. I also hadn’t realised that I had bought tickets for something as a Xmas present for her and it clashed with the first night of the trip but o offered to work around it as the trip was only an hour away and I could have gone and got her and taken her back. But she was adamant she didn’t want to go. Friends told me to ‘make her go’ but o know my child and this wouldn’t have worked for her. She has anxiety. So she didn’t go. She then broke her iPad screen accidentally so I told her to save up half the cost of getting it repaired and she did. She used some of her birthday money and saved up pocket money to pay half of the repair. I explained it was because I had paid for the trip and didn’t get a refund and she can’t just expect things to be paid for. She’s terrible with money anyway and spends it as soon as she gets it so we are working on that - she often asks me to buy something and pay me back by reducing her pocket money but I refuse. I won’t do credit. It made her think twice about her y7 residential which she opted out of booking onto. Again some friends were forcing their kids onto it but o have the option before paying and she said no. She has since though picked up courage to sleep over a friends’ houses which she wouldn’t usually do.

Edited to add that as a child I went on several residential trips with school/brownies/guides etc and did often get homesick. I totally understand the anxiety. And on one trip my mum did come and get me and took me home. This is why I haven’t forced the issue of attending but agreed with the consequence of paying back.

I also wonder what ‘force’ people actually use. I can not imagine physically dragging her down there. And I also know I couldn’t talk her round. She would splint blank refuse. And if she’s that anxious then forcing the issue isn’t the answer.

Forcing her to go isn't the solution. You shouldn't be forcing anyone to do something they don't want to, especially going away from Home. There could be all sorts of long lasting issues. I'm not sure you can, and what happens if she leaves half way through. Forcing her is a knee jerk reaction because you are frustrated at her decision.
What you can and should do is show there are consequences for her decision. She has to pay the money back and fund the next trip she wants to go on.
That's what happens to us. We change our minds and face consequences. Nobody should force us to do something.

Make her go. Tell her it was her choice, you worked extra for it and it's either paying you back or going.

"doesn't want to"?

Why does she have the choice? There is no choice.

She begged for the trip.
You worked extra to be able to pay for it.
It's paid for.
She's for and able to go.
She goes.

No choice. It was decided months ago.

It's disrespectful and childish on her part.

I wouldn't be giving her the option of not going, she needs to learn she can't always get her own way, and how to be grateful for what she does get!

The activities won’t be compulsory and she’ll be able to pick which ones she wants to join in on and which ones she wants to watch and encourage friends to complete. She might decide once there to join in some of the activities that aren’t her thing and actually enjoy it!

I’d be encouraging her to go and tell her she can still relax and watch the others, but if she refuses to get out of bed on the day of the trip and go, then yes she’d be paying me back… I’d also be very clear that after this saga there will be no more busting your gut to pay for residential trips! I find that so ungrateful and entitled that she thinks it’s ok for you to loose this money and her have no
consequence! …
My DD would just go and take part in the things she does like, which is what most kids will do!

In life we have to do things we don’t want to.
What happens when she no longer wants to go to school? You’d just let her stay home would you?!

If your big teenager refused to get out of bed and go to school, what would you do?

It likely is nerves or a falling out with a friend causing the sudden change of heart. I'd talk to the school too - I had to with a day trip that had been booked and my 14yo suddenly didn't want to go as no friends were going. Between us we managed to change her mind. In end I'd said it was up to her but she was missing out and I'd paid money for her to go and was disappointed. I wasn't quite as invested money wise though as wasn't hundreds!

I wouldn't have let any of mine back out so soon to going on such a big trip though.

She’s a child. Support her in her decision. Sometimes knowing you don’t have to do something makes you feel safer to choose it.
She needs your help, support her. The money is a factor, she knows this.
Dont penalise her, you need a good relationship with her going forward.
They’re not with us for long, show her love and understanding .

I’d find out what was at the bottom of it and let her take the day off.
Not everything has to be a confrontation.

The money’s spent whether she goes or not.
She will still be 13 and will remember how you dealt with this.
Don’t make her go.
And let her enjoy her birthday.
In a world where you can be anything, be kind.

I think this is a classic "cruel to be kind" scenario, not a "let her do what she likes as it sounds like too much work" one.

I don't think it is kind at all to let a 13 year olds anxiety prevent them from going on a trip that they will in all likelihood enjoy once they go.

I think this is understandable and tbh I don't think there's one right way to deal with this, but I'd prefer that she went on the trip that would build her resilience and teach her that we need to honour our commitments and can't just change our mind later if we've agreed to something and paid for it, then essentially letting it go and punishing her financially.

Op I would explain to her that the trip is non refundable, that you have worked incredibly hard to give her this opportunity based on her saying she wanted this experience. You've done your part and now she needs to meet her part and at least try it.

If she's miserable and wants to come home then I'd plan a back up for that without telling her or arrange this with the school and then she can come home if she needs to. But realistically, from what she's saying it sounds more like won't than can't and that is why I'd be trying to push her through.
Can someone at the school speak to her from their side and try to encourage her as well? The outdoor activities won't be all of it, there's bound to be trips and travel and fun and nice meals etc too which is what she originally wanted so maybe someone organising can help her see that it's not only the outdoor activities.

I get why you're cross, I really do. But I don't think threatening will help.

Try to encourage her to give the trip a go. Tell her she'll really enjoy doing something different. There will probably be time to relax in the evenings. Also that they won't force her to do something if she really doesn't want to. Is she scared of some of the activities.

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Is she aware how much this has cost you in terms of saving up, doing extra shifts, etc.?

Unless there is a really good reason, such as she has started being bullied (in which case that needs to be addressed), she really must go. As some have suggested, maybe she has just lost confidence, so perhaps if you approach the school someone there can reassure her. Personally, I would be scared of rock climbing - are all the activities compulsory? Apart from that, it is unreasonable of her to think that an activity holiday will not primarily consist of activities.

If she does not go, it is perfectly reasonable for you to withhold any monies she receives for her birthday.

Being firm is just as loving as caving in - arguably more so because it is done with a hope of a future where the daughter takes responsibility for her decisions.
Withholding birthday money would feel petty given that the money has gone anyway (and make for a miserable birthday for everyone) but she should go unless she would be screaming and kicking when dropped off. If that is the case there might be some argument for investigating anxiety. Once that route is taken, though, she has a free pass to not want to do anything she does not want to do. As a teacher, I have seen how quickly one incident where anxiety is allowed to excuse work or school attendance soon escalates into not doing any schoolwork and not attending school at all.

As a teacher also I have seen devastating effects of pressurising adolescents. Side of caution ia always preferable.

Ugh. What a load of claptrap. We do children absolutely no favours by not encouraging them to stick to commitments or allowing them to duck out if they’re worried something will be a little bit hard.

Pressurising is different than pushing and encouraging though. Often teenagers need that to get out of their comfort zone and to build resilience. Noone is advising op to bully her into it, but sitting back and saying oh that's fine isn't really helping her dd either. There's a careful balance op needs to find. And it seems like her dd is clearly saying she just doesn't fancy it and doesn't want to do the activities than she is anxious and might not cope, especially since she's done similar things previously and been fine unless I've missed something on the thread.

It definitely sounds like a normal wobble. Being a parent is supporting them through this. Saying don’t fancy it ok don’t go isn’t doing her any favours long term.
Talk. Explain it’s normal to feel uncertain before trying something new. Nerves/butterflies in tummy are normal. Empathise.
Talk about strategies that would help eg Talk to teacher and see who else going. Check re arrangements for rooms and activities.
Is the centre on YouTube or could she talk to a girl further up school who has been on trip.
Would a shopping trip for some new walking boots make her feel more confident.
Teens often talk best in car or at midnight. Hopefully she’ll talk and you can get her feeling comfortable going.

Claptrap……
very profound