Taking my daughters birthday money if she doesn’t go on her trip?

[TheGreyPeer]

Hi
My daughter is 13 turning 14 in May. In December her school announced a trip to France which will be activity outdoors based. She begged me to go. Initially I said no because they wanted 5 monthly instalments of £110 which would be a stretch. I am a single working mum with a huge mortgage and no child support. I work bank as a nurse.

She complained about this and said all her friends were going and she felt like the odd one out. She stopped complaining and felt genuinely upset so I told her I would pay for it but she had to be sure she would go. She was very thankful and said she was absolutely certain she wanted to go. I took on extra shifts to pay for the monthly instalments. Her passport had also expired so I had to pay for that.

Now, it’s 7 days till she is due to go and she doesn’t want to. Her reason is that she thought she wanted to go but now she’s changed her mind and just “doesn’t want to” no real reason, just doesn’t want to. I think a big part is that one of her friends can’t go anymore (due to illness) but she has 3 other close friends who are going and who are rooming together with her.

I have told her if she doesn’t want to go, she needs to pay me back as the the trip is not refundable. I’ve said that I won’t be giving her birthday money this year (I usually give £200) and that any money she gets from grandparents, aunties etc I will also be taking. I’ve said she can then do chores to work or the rest until it’s repaid.

She doesn’t agree with this and says I’m being unfair. AIBU?

Well I wanted to say bollocks but I thought that was even less polite.

Very classy.

Or how about "in a world where you can be anything, be more fucking resilient"

"Be kind" is bullshit peddled to girls and women encouraging them to be a pushover and people pleasers.

Be kind to your child by making them stand up to commitments, try something new, understand that a loving adult worked extra hours in order to give you opportunities you requested and accept that sometimes we have to just be more resilient and adaptable in life if we want to go on without being a anxiety ridden, scared of anything slightly unknown, people pleaser.

Ongoing lifelong pressure to do more than you're capable of is not the same as a parent insisting that you should stick to a commitment of an opportunity that you requested and watched someone else work hard for.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Part of “being kind” is gently pointing out a child’s capabilities and supporting them to do
hard things.

Nothing wrong with that. But not forcing them as some have suggested. Which is what I was reacting to.

More classy comment.
its not peddled to girls and women.Its for everyone.
Nothing wrong with resilience, but OP asked for advice. I gave mine.
I was not rude nor used unacceptable language to rubbish others opinions

You seem to be under the impression that I care about whether I am perceived as classy.

The truth of the matter is, the Be Kind bollocks is detrimental to women and girls, because a lot of the time, being kind DOES cost us. Be kind is often used in place of the less palatable, but probably more accurate ‘just let them have what they/we want’.

By accusing someone of being unkind because they haven’t let someone else have their own way, is manipulative rubbish.

You seem to be under the impression that the purpose of these threads is to comment on the opinions of others and rubbish them.
I-thought the purpose was for a variety of opinions to be sought so the original poster can make up their own minds.
I took issue with your vocabulary not your pov.
My pov seems to enrage you.
please be respectful is one of the guidelines of Mumsnet.

If you’re offended by ‘claptrap’ and clapping hands then I fear mumsnet is not for you. I’m not sure where is for you given that limited perspective but that’s for you to worry about.

Those were not the words/symbols I was referring to.
I am not offended merely surprised my opinion should enrage you so much

I’m not sure why you think I’m enraged. I couldn’t be further from enraged. I disagree with your viewpoint and think it’s nonsensical and you don’t seem comfortable with being challenged on it but if I had any sort of feeling it’s mild bemusement at your reaction.

I was referring to MY comment not general usage. I understand the language that accompanies gender stereotypes, my point was not related to that. I would have said the same referring to a son/father, son/mother, It was in the CONTEXT of the OP query. I was suggesting the mother should support and be kind to her daughter at a time her daughter was finding difficulties . You have put a different spin onto it and changed the context.
I thought the point of the forum was for the poster to collect opinions and make their decisions, not a forum to be attacked for opinions.

I pulled out of a couple of residentials as a kid because of anxiety (although I almost certainly would have said something like I didn't like the activities!). I wish I'd been encouraged and reassured about going, I'm sure it would have done so much for my self-confidence to have taken part. Forcing me to go maybe would have have helped my resilience if I ended up enjoying the trip, but would have done exactly the opposite if I didn't. Forcing a child to take part without the encouragement could backfire if anxiety or low self-confidence is the issue. And YANBU for expecting to be paid back - I liked what a PP said about is it worth £550 of her money not to go? Gives perspective which is often a bit scarce in 13 YOs....

@TheGreyPeer Did she go?

I would love to know too!

Yes I'm another one who thinks is beneficial for kids (and adults) to be pushed out of their comfort zones from time to time. (And I'm a lot younger than 50 🤣)
At 13 it's very important to learn about things like honoring your commitments, growing your personal resilience, the value of money, gratitude for others generosity and hard work, etc.

It's good to try new things, learn new skills, push yourself a bit. We all get nervous sometimes and the way to overcome that is to DO the hard thing.

So yes I'd also make her go. And ultimately, she'll have a blast!

How did this turn out OP? Did you make her go?