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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking my daughters birthday money if she doesn’t go on her trip?

295 replies

TheGreyPeer · 14/04/2024 17:12

Hi
My daughter is 13 turning 14 in May. In December her school announced a trip to France which will be activity outdoors based. She begged me to go. Initially I said no because they wanted 5 monthly instalments of £110 which would be a stretch. I am a single working mum with a huge mortgage and no child support. I work bank as a nurse.

She complained about this and said all her friends were going and she felt like the odd one out. She stopped complaining and felt genuinely upset so I told her I would pay for it but she had to be sure she would go. She was very thankful and said she was absolutely certain she wanted to go. I took on extra shifts to pay for the monthly instalments. Her passport had also expired so I had to pay for that.

Now, it’s 7 days till she is due to go and she doesn’t want to. Her reason is that she thought she wanted to go but now she’s changed her mind and just “doesn’t want to” no real reason, just doesn’t want to. I think a big part is that one of her friends can’t go anymore (due to illness) but she has 3 other close friends who are going and who are rooming together with her.

I have told her if she doesn’t want to go, she needs to pay me back as the the trip is not refundable. I’ve said that I won’t be giving her birthday money this year (I usually give £200) and that any money she gets from grandparents, aunties etc I will also be taking. I’ve said she can then do chores to work or the rest until it’s repaid.

She doesn’t agree with this and says I’m being unfair. AIBU?

OP posts:
AgnesXNitt · 14/04/2024 20:33

I'm not especially proud of it but if it was one of mine I wouldn't make them go (and wouldn't take the money back). Even as an adult I've agreed to go places or do things and at the last minute have changed my mind about them. I was forced to be a compliant child so inevitably I'll see the thing through, and be miserable in the process. If my child genuinely had a change of heart for whatever reason I'd obviously discuss it with him and have a chat with the school but if he really didn't want to go I wouldn't make him. The money is already spent whether she goes or not.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 14/04/2024 20:37

Just say too late now. It will be character building and I'm sure she'll end up loving it!

Sunnydays0101 · 14/04/2024 20:41

Alphabetsouplover · 14/04/2024 20:29

The majority of AIBU posters are over 50, so it makes sense in that context there are older views on parenting sadly

Show quote history

That is absolutely nonsense and completely ageist imo. I am mid 50’s and my youngest is 16 and my views aren’t ’older views’. Happily!

But whatever age any of us are, the OP’s DD is being ungrateful not wanting to go just because she has now decided she doesn’t like what’s on offer. The OP has worked hard to pay for this trip, including overtime this should be explained to her DD and she should appreciate what her Mum has done in order to pay for this trip.

Surely no-one would think that the OP should just say fine, you needn’t go, but you still can have the usual birthday treats, etc ??

JasonTindallsTan · 14/04/2024 20:41

I’d not be making it easy for her to back out. But if you were inclined to let her not go then I’d be making sure you were reimbursed for every penny. She needs to learn that if you make a commitment - and spend someone else’s money in doing so - then you either honour that commitment or pay back the cash that someone else has lost out on because of your fecklessness.

Alphabetsouplover · 14/04/2024 20:42

Sunnydays0101 · 14/04/2024 20:41

That is absolutely nonsense and completely ageist imo. I am mid 50’s and my youngest is 16 and my views aren’t ’older views’. Happily!

But whatever age any of us are, the OP’s DD is being ungrateful not wanting to go just because she has now decided she doesn’t like what’s on offer. The OP has worked hard to pay for this trip, including overtime this should be explained to her DD and she should appreciate what her Mum has done in order to pay for this trip.

Surely no-one would think that the OP should just say fine, you needn’t go, but you still can have the usual birthday treats, etc ??

Show quote history

What’s nonsense? The stats for age broken down by topic are readily available if requested.

IncognitoUsername · 14/04/2024 20:48

Alphabetsouplover · 14/04/2024 20:42

What’s nonsense? The stats for age broken down by topic are readily available if requested.

Show quote history

What do you mean by older parenting style? Obviously as I’m over 50 I’m completely out of touch.

godmum56 · 14/04/2024 20:48

I think you are being very fair and teaching her a valuable lesson. She gets to choose to go or not but if she doesn't go she pays you back. The only thing I would say is that you might need to get the family on board with this in case any of them feel sorry for her and treat you like a bad mum or attempt to slip her money behind your back. She is old enough to understand that when something is described as an activities holiday then its going to be full of activities. It wouldn't have been my thing either and I guess she may have felt social pressure to say she wanted to go so I am not going to say she is a terrible person but its a SHEDLOAD of money and she needs to understand that you can't just bin it off.

Bluetrews25 · 14/04/2024 20:48

It's a tough one.
The money's gone whether she goes or not, and you'll spend less if you're not giving her any cash to take with her.
BUT the changing her mind is bad.
Point out that you had to work xyz many extra hours/days on top of what you normally do to get all the funds together. That is 2.5 years birthday money. And you can now never believe her if she promises to do something in future so there will be no more school trips like this, no new pets that she was going to look after etc if she shows herself to go back on her word now.
Maybe she should get a job to pay you back, perhaps then she'd realise the value of time and money.

ToxicChristmas · 14/04/2024 20:51

The two options I would (calmly) offer were that she goes or she pays for the trip. It's her choice between the two, but they are the only choices available. It doesn't need to be an angry/shouty conversation, but you do need to be firm and clear about the slog that has gone into paying for the trip she asked to go on and that the birthday money WILL be covering the trip if she doesn't go.
Hopefully she will be encouraged to go. I'm sure she will enjoy it more than she imagines she will.

oakleaffy · 14/04/2024 20:54

StormingNorman · 14/04/2024 17:14

I would send her on the trip.

@TheGreyPeer I had to go on a French trip arranged by parents -travelling alone at age 16 to Dax in France to stay with a family for 10 days that I didn't know.

I absolutely DREADED going, really didn't want to go, but had no way of getting out of it.

They dropped me off at Victoria to get the boat train, and I had to manage various train changes - but had the most wonderful time!

It was so freeing to be on my own, travelling at 16

The family were lovely, they had a rambling ancient farmhouse in the middle of nowhere.

Just let her go!

She will have a great time.

TheExclusiveSandwich · 14/04/2024 20:56

Lol @Alphabetsouplover im 53

godmum56 · 14/04/2024 20:58

Alphabetsouplover · 14/04/2024 20:29

The majority of AIBU posters are over 50, so it makes sense in that context there are older views on parenting sadly

Show quote history

I am well over 50 and am solidly on the side of do not force her to go (and again, how can you actually force her??) but make her repay the money. I'd also say that while repayment is non negotiable, if you can, OP, keep the emotional temperature cool during the discussions, I suspect that under the bravado (if there is bravado) she is not happy to be in the situation either.

godmum56 · 14/04/2024 20:59

ToxicChristmas · 14/04/2024 20:51

The two options I would (calmly) offer were that she goes or she pays for the trip. It's her choice between the two, but they are the only choices available. It doesn't need to be an angry/shouty conversation, but you do need to be firm and clear about the slog that has gone into paying for the trip she asked to go on and that the birthday money WILL be covering the trip if she doesn't go.
Hopefully she will be encouraged to go. I'm sure she will enjoy it more than she imagines she will.

hoorah for common sense

sloggingonagain · 14/04/2024 21:01

It sounds like she's being bullied, or some other issue with someone going on the trip. I would be enquiring as to what's going on at school, are there any people who she's recently had problems with, problems in her friendship group or has someone done something to her?

A suddenly change of heart like this would indicate to me something is wrong.

Umbongowasyuk · 14/04/2024 21:02

I'd just tell her it's her decision, but like others have said I would make it clear no birthday money. I wouldn't make her do anything. I don't see how you can make her anyway.

Toddlerteaplease · 14/04/2024 21:03

I'd be furious.

oakleaffy · 14/04/2024 21:05

LisaD1 · 14/04/2024 17:15

I’d be making her go. My DD did similar for a ski trip and we said point blank it was tough shit, it was paid for and she was going.

she absolutely loved it!

Good for you!

Kids allowed to duck out of doing things isn't to their advantage-

I too loved my French trip as a teen.

A girl at school WAS indulged by her mum to duck out of stuff, and it set up a habit well into early adulthood {where we lost touch}
Her confidence got worse and worse, til she was more or less house bound.

Her mum was lovely, but just always gave in.

Newname71 · 14/04/2024 21:06

Ilovelurchers · 14/04/2024 18:25

This is what I thought. Everyone (almost) is saying "make her go" but it really does depend on the child.

My daughter could be compelled to do something even if she really really didn't want to by myself or her dad, because she is a naturally compliant person who respects authority. Nothing to do with us being amazing parents - just her personality.

I work with kids and know plenty of teens (some of them with excellent parents) who would potentially refuse to attend a trip in these circumstances, no matter what their parents said.

That's why there are school refusers and things like that. Not (usually) because their parents don't give a fuck and let them stay at home. Some children just won't comply with authority if they don't want to. It can be worked on obviously, but it's not always easy and quick, or just a case of sticking to your guns.

OP, I am assuming your daughter won't just go because you tell her to? Otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here. As the idea of "making her go" has presumably occured to you already.

So yes, I would take the money from her. She is being bang out of order, and really quite selfish, given how hard you have worked to pay for it, and she is more than old enough to understand that.

Is there anyone who she respects/would listen to who could speak to her about how disrespectful and unkind she is being to you here? Is there another parent that she sees? Or a grandparent, or other trusted adult?

Show quote history

I have one of those “refusers” you’re talking about. He’s a lovely kind, helpful young man. If I ask him to do something for me he does. He’s sensitive and caring. But my god once his anxiety or sense of injustice kicks in you haven’t a hope in hell of making him do something he doesn’t want!

itsgettingweird · 14/04/2024 21:08

I'd talk to her straight.

She has every right to decide not to go but she signed up for what she got.

But if you make those decisions you are out of pocket as she will be.

Say you have every faith in her that she'll make the right decision and hope she has a good time Wink

CrispieCake · 14/04/2024 21:10

I would point out to her how hard you have worked to give her this opportunity (at her request), and ask her if she's really ok with squandering all your hard work just because the activities aren't exactly her cup of tea. I'd be asking her to go and make the most of it.

It's a good lesson for life tbh - there will be many things later on she won't be keen on but will have to do. Work trips, team-building days etc. Going with an open mind and making the most of things and trying to enjoy them is a useful approach to develop.

saoirse31 · 14/04/2024 21:10

I'd try and make her go, even if only on basis that then she wouldnt have to pay u back. I think given she's with friends she'll more than likely enjoy it. It's probably not that long, she'll be with friends. Also , I think i'd be saying, she begged to go, lot of money, so now especially as she's with friends, she has to go and do best to enjoy. I think it's crazy to drop out last minute. Better for her to go

PeaceOnThePorch · 14/04/2024 21:10

Toddlerteaplease · 14/04/2024 21:03

I'd be furious.

How the hell would that help? 🙄

Bunnie007 · 14/04/2024 21:11

Another vote for making her go- she has committed and even if she doesn’t enjoy (which I suspect she will) it’s not that long and a lesson learned. She signed up for it and needs to see it through.

StarDolphins · 14/04/2024 21:12

You’re absolutely NOT BU op. I would be so upset at this. You’ve struggled to pay this as she was adamant about going. So now she has to go or pay up.

My DD wanted an Air Up bottle. My friend very kindly gave her the money to buy it. She didn’t like the colours of the air up bottles on offer so chose a copy off (& spent the difference in cost!) - I asked & asked if she was absolutely sure she didn’t want the official one, she was totally sure. Fast forward to someone pointing out it’s a fake & now she wants a proper one…..NO! Save up or take your shein one!

Stick to your guns op or there will be problems down the line.

Londonrach1 · 14/04/2024 21:13

Just make her go. She got understandable nerves about this. I bet she love it once she is there. I'd be encouraging her to go rather than threatening her birthday