Taking my daughters birthday money if she doesn’t go on her trip?

[TheGreyPeer]

Hi
My daughter is 13 turning 14 in May. In December her school announced a trip to France which will be activity outdoors based. She begged me to go. Initially I said no because they wanted 5 monthly instalments of £110 which would be a stretch. I am a single working mum with a huge mortgage and no child support. I work bank as a nurse.

She complained about this and said all her friends were going and she felt like the odd one out. She stopped complaining and felt genuinely upset so I told her I would pay for it but she had to be sure she would go. She was very thankful and said she was absolutely certain she wanted to go. I took on extra shifts to pay for the monthly instalments. Her passport had also expired so I had to pay for that.

Now, it’s 7 days till she is due to go and she doesn’t want to. Her reason is that she thought she wanted to go but now she’s changed her mind and just “doesn’t want to” no real reason, just doesn’t want to. I think a big part is that one of her friends can’t go anymore (due to illness) but she has 3 other close friends who are going and who are rooming together with her.

I have told her if she doesn’t want to go, she needs to pay me back as the the trip is not refundable. I’ve said that I won’t be giving her birthday money this year (I usually give £200) and that any money she gets from grandparents, aunties etc I will also be taking. I’ve said she can then do chores to work or the rest until it’s repaid.

She doesn’t agree with this and says I’m being unfair. AIBU?

It’s also likely that the trip was oversubscribed so in addition to the detriment to you she’d have taken a space.

She goes on the trip. It does sound like she's really calling the shots.

It will be fine - she is just nervous

No need to take money or threaten is

give school a call and ask for some advice

That’s utterly brutal. I don’t think I could treat any child like this never mind my own. But hey if you need or want the money.

It’s about a child learning you can’t spend £500+ on something and then decide you don’t want to go. It’s a lot of money and hard work on her mums part. I’d be sending her too, it’s all organised and a week is too short notice for someone else to take her place.

Not going because "it's not my thing" when she begged to go would make me really cross. How long is the trip? I'd expect her to suck it up - the activities may not be her thing, but there will still be the travel, meals, downtime etc of hanging out with friends.
If you're kinder than me, you could give her the choice - suck it up or pay you back.
Not going with no real reason when I'd stretched financially to send her and there being no consequences for her would not be an option.

Tell her it's not an option at this point to back out. I wouldn't be entertaining her reasons for changing her mind. She's committed and that's that!

Presumably she can watch her friends having fun for some of the activities. Yes it's not beaches but she doesn't have to do them all.

Well you can't force her to go since it's not appropriate to physically manhandle her. I'd give her the choice. Either she can go or she can pay back the money, and every penny of birthday money and any other money she gets is immediately taken from her until it is paid back. I'm normally a soft touch but there comes a point when they have to learn consequences.

That since the OPs daughter is worried its too intense, it might not be as intense as she thinks. I.e. more enjoyable!

YANBU!

As she put up such a huge fuss about going, and you've had to put in so many extra hours to pay for it, then either she goes or she pays you back.

The reality is that if she goes, then she will have an amazing time. My son went on a school trip (Y7 to Y12) when he was in Y7, and was really apprehensive about going, I pretty much said the same that if he changed his mind, he'd have to pay me back the money. He went in the end, had the most amazing time, and immediately asked to go next year too!

my god everyone CALM THE FucK DOWN

she doesn't need to manhandle her on the coach. Just a little bit of a chat and work with her and school

Christ

I would send her. She wanted to and you worked extra to send her. So, she goes.

Just sounds like nerves. She needs to go.

Agreed , but hard.

@TheExclusiveSandwich you don't need to quote the OP.

thanks for that tip

Well I wouldn't be entertaining I don't want to without a reason then talking to the trip organisers, then I'd be just getting her orgasing her to get packed etc . She committed she's almost 14 she needs to stop being petulant and just go.

You can't force her to go. Carrying her to the car and school site would be tricky....

What else is worrying her about the trip? Toilets, food, friendships, travel, activities? Try and establish that and let the teachers know so they can support her.

Unless she has genuine anxiety about it, I would talk to her seriously about how rude and spoilt it is for her to have begged for this, watched you work however many extra hours you have worked, and then break her word because she can't be arsed. She needs to think about how that will have left you feeling after working so hard to ensure her happiness. I'm not into guilt trips generally but she needs to have some empathy at this point.

telling a kid who is rude or. ungrateful will. not get you th result you want

I am really surprised by how combative so many of these replies are

This is what I thought. Everyone (almost) is saying "make her go" but it really does depend on the child.

My daughter could be compelled to do something even if she really really didn't want to by myself or her dad, because she is a naturally compliant person who respects authority. Nothing to do with us being amazing parents - just her personality.

I work with kids and know plenty of teens (some of them with excellent parents) who would potentially refuse to attend a trip in these circumstances, no matter what their parents said.

That's why there are school refusers and things like that. Not (usually) because their parents don't give a fuck and let them stay at home. Some children just won't comply with authority if they don't want to. It can be worked on obviously, but it's not always easy and quick, or just a case of sticking to your guns.

OP, I am assuming your daughter won't just go because you tell her to? Otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here. As the idea of "making her go" has presumably occured to you already.

So yes, I would take the money from her. She is being bang out of order, and really quite selfish, given how hard you have worked to pay for it, and she is more than old enough to understand that.

Is there anyone who she respects/would listen to who could speak to her about how disrespectful and unkind she is being to you here? Is there another parent that she sees? Or a grandparent, or other trusted adult?

I wasn't saying I thought she was going to manhandle her, simply pointing out the fact that it's not actually possible to force her to go. You can try very hard to persuade, and you can put in some harsh consequences for refusal, but you can't force her to go. Forcing her to go if she absolutely refuses would only be possible if you were to physically manhandle her, and clearly OP won't be doing that so all the people saying they'd force her to go aren't really saying they'd force her to go at all, just that they'd try very hard to persuade her.

I've never heard of a school trip which involved relaxing on the beach 😂

She's too young to write off these activities as 'not her thing'. She's signed up and has to give it a go.

She needs to grow up and appreciate what a great Mum you are to have worked extra shifts to ensure she could go. She'll regret it if she doesn't go.

I’d be another one making her go. She’ll probably enjoy it once she’s there, and even if she didn’t, she’d still learn a lesson about keeping commitments and the value of money.

It wouldn’t up for debate in my house.