Taking my daughters birthday money if she doesn’t go on her trip?

[TheGreyPeer]

Hi
My daughter is 13 turning 14 in May. In December her school announced a trip to France which will be activity outdoors based. She begged me to go. Initially I said no because they wanted 5 monthly instalments of £110 which would be a stretch. I am a single working mum with a huge mortgage and no child support. I work bank as a nurse.

She complained about this and said all her friends were going and she felt like the odd one out. She stopped complaining and felt genuinely upset so I told her I would pay for it but she had to be sure she would go. She was very thankful and said she was absolutely certain she wanted to go. I took on extra shifts to pay for the monthly instalments. Her passport had also expired so I had to pay for that.

Now, it’s 7 days till she is due to go and she doesn’t want to. Her reason is that she thought she wanted to go but now she’s changed her mind and just “doesn’t want to” no real reason, just doesn’t want to. I think a big part is that one of her friends can’t go anymore (due to illness) but she has 3 other close friends who are going and who are rooming together with her.

I have told her if she doesn’t want to go, she needs to pay me back as the the trip is not refundable. I’ve said that I won’t be giving her birthday money this year (I usually give £200) and that any money she gets from grandparents, aunties etc I will also be taking. I’ve said she can then do chores to work or the rest until it’s repaid.

She doesn’t agree with this and says I’m being unfair. AIBU?

It’s paid for she has to go. She chose to go after all.

you make it clear she can’t stay at home as you are looking forward to time to yourself as you need a rest after all those extra shifts at work to pay for this trip.

She either goes on the trip or she pays you back.

Patronising much?

Nice to be that indulgent rich that you could write all that off (ignoring all the overtime to achieve it)

Do you expect your kid to be able to bale out of all commitments they make?

I'd absolutely make her go. She'll thank you for it in the end. She's just nervous... if she actually does miss it, she'll regret it so much.

If she point blank refuses and you can't even drag her on the coach, I'd be taking away all phones and devices for that week and taking the birthday money

@PeaceOnThePorch because the daughter is fully aware that her mum has worked extra shifts to pay for it. And she was adamant she wanted to go. She good not be pandered to.

How nice to be able to piss £500 away
It's not 'compliance' it's taking responsibility

Not giving her birthday money is fine, taking the gifts other people are going to give her is stealing. Why would you teach your child that theft is OK? Seriously dumb thing to even suggest. Also, are you sure she isn't having problems at school, that could be why she doesn't want to go. Maybe she isn't as close with the other girls, maybe she is being harassed by a boy who is going, maybe it's just nerves? Supporting her to feel better about going surely would be better than threatening to take her property

Were there other kids who couldn't go because she wanted her place?

If this is in response to the op, it's an absolutely ridiculous stance to take. No-one can really just waste hundreds of pounds and shrug their shoulders. The daughter has to learn that money doesn't grow on trees. I think the op is being very reasonable.

Those people saying make her go. Seriously how are you going to do this?

@PickledPurplePickle .
Ok?is it a secret society like? I ALL OUT ASKED how you would ENFORCE it.?? my 13 yois 5ft 8, and about 10stone.if he sits down-what am i spoze to do?give him a stern look?stop his pocket money???
I promise you-bearing witness to my child REFUSING to be forced would shift your judgement 100%.
I'm prepared to take the flack that i have probably assisted him in developing his confidence in expressing his right to NOT be forced. As it goes-this was utterly life altering.
reckon i probli just been triggered.(which IS NT your doing)
(we live scotland, wrong end of coerc control ex partner-who-text book charmed his lies to soc wrk-and despite copious amounts of historic evidence of abuse,a sherif refusing contact until dad gave full psyc report-my son was swiped and ENFORCED to go live there)on the fake "coverstory"from dad. ... was utter hell-age 12(=kids rights increased) He walked out.Of a horrific trauma bond-toxic-swk enforced situation-bacck home and all out said he would NOT go back.
I realise THIS is an extreme.
tryna juggle that into the scenario is NOT just plain straightforward . so i asked how.ok

I didn’t let them get away with things but we had a rule with my teens that birthdays and Christmas were sacrosanct, so however badly they behaved, those celebrations were not impacted. I didn’t broadcast this rule to them of course but it was a private policy which dh and I followed. Discipline was instigated at other times though.

This situation is tricky. If she was older then I would discuss it with her. Explain that you are very disappointed given how hard you have worked and tell her that it was her decision and you trust her to do the right thing. If she didn’t go I would make her get a job and insist that she gave you her earnings until the debt had been paid even if it took a year.

At thirteen though I think she is just slightly too young to be given all of that responsibility so I think I would push very hard to make sure she goes. I would have conversations with her to try to drill down in to specific reasons why she is reluctant. And I would try and work through them with her and help her put strategies in place as to how she could handle obstacles as they arise.

I would talk to her about how much better she would feel in herself if she followed through and kept her commitment and how her friends would be relieved she didn’t pull out. How it’s never good to make decisions out of fear. How doing new things is sometimes scary but usually worth it in the end.

Good luck op! Hope it works out ok! I’d be very cross but you have to try to rein back all emotion when talking to her so she doesn’t get defensive. Try and frame it like you are not dictating from the top down but helping her to navigate a serious situation. But not letting her off the hook either! It’s a very tricky balance.

It’s not a difficult sentence to understand is it?

Your condescending ‘older views’ comment is nonsense.

It’s not though. The comments on here from the majority are extremely outdated.

Hence why it ties into the fact the most common age group on AIBU being women aged 55-75

I actually think a lot of kids in situations like this deep down appreciate their parents taking control and making them step out of their comfort zone.

She has to go and it would be a life lesson for her.

She would be going.

so again I ask....How are you going to make her go?

She committed you to £550, you took on extra shifts and everything to make it happen - she's going on the damned trip!

Better she learn now rather than later that backing out is not always an option.

I would not have given her the option of reimbursing me, I would insist that she go.

I’m 31!

Everyone’s got a currency, a strict enough punishment would change her mind!

sorry I still don't get how you would MAKE her go?

My daughter would be going. Come what may.

The thing that would really annoy me in this situation is that the DD has watched her mum work hard for this money. Yes, teens don't always have a decent concept of the value of money, but she must have an idea of how much hard work in terms of overtime done by her mum will be wasted if she doesn't go on the trip. It can't be entirely "abstract" for her.