Taking my daughters birthday money if she doesn’t go on her trip?

[TheGreyPeer]

Hi
My daughter is 13 turning 14 in May. In December her school announced a trip to France which will be activity outdoors based. She begged me to go. Initially I said no because they wanted 5 monthly instalments of £110 which would be a stretch. I am a single working mum with a huge mortgage and no child support. I work bank as a nurse.

She complained about this and said all her friends were going and she felt like the odd one out. She stopped complaining and felt genuinely upset so I told her I would pay for it but she had to be sure she would go. She was very thankful and said she was absolutely certain she wanted to go. I took on extra shifts to pay for the monthly instalments. Her passport had also expired so I had to pay for that.

Now, it’s 7 days till she is due to go and she doesn’t want to. Her reason is that she thought she wanted to go but now she’s changed her mind and just “doesn’t want to” no real reason, just doesn’t want to. I think a big part is that one of her friends can’t go anymore (due to illness) but she has 3 other close friends who are going and who are rooming together with her.

I have told her if she doesn’t want to go, she needs to pay me back as the the trip is not refundable. I’ve said that I won’t be giving her birthday money this year (I usually give £200) and that any money she gets from grandparents, aunties etc I will also be taking. I’ve said she can then do chores to work or the rest until it’s repaid.

She doesn’t agree with this and says I’m being unfair. AIBU?

Might it be worth asking the school if there's a reserve list so another child could go instead?

Oh definitely. Gets easier if they know you always will though.

I don't know if this was a reply to me but I actually said she can't manhandle her onto the coach not that she should be manhandled on to the coach

Whatever you decide, make sure you follow through. Money doesn't grow on trees and it's about time she learns her decisions have consequences.

Doesn't sound like she'd be a joy to be around on the trip if all she wants to do is lay around, so no point forcing her to go, but I'd definitely have her pay for it.

Due to your job, that gives you the minimum hours she needs to work - and think of everything you have to do for that money, so not all cushy little things that she doesn't get her hands dirty doing. Depending on how bratty she's being, she might benefit from a list of the tasks you've had to do - the hardest ones physically or emotionally.

Then see whether she's changed her mind about going. Chances are that she'll come around to going again. If not and she continues to kick off, no more discussion, contact the school immediately so that the place can be offered to somebody who hasn't been able to afford it.

I'd still make her go. Tell her that her trip costs half of a £1000!! And you worked hard for the opportunity that she begged for. It's x weeks of food shopping. It's x month of rent etc. it's 2 1/2 lots of birthday money!!

If after that she doesn't want to then yes I'd refuse to pay birthday money. I'd be fuming

Agree with this. The trip should be a done deal. She commuted and now needs to see it through.

It sounds like one some of my children did. In France. Yes there were activities every day but it was fun too. They loved it and they aren’t very sporty. Did she really think she would be lying on the beach relaxing on a school trip???

After seeing what the itinerary is I’d be even more inclined to make her go. Sounds like she could do with being pushed out of her comfort zone a bit.

YANBU. If she doesn't go, she's pays every penny back.

My DD is a dreadful flyer- very anxious - and we went through something similar a few years ago on a first trip to Europe (Italy) with her school. I was very keen not to waste the money I'd spent and also felt she'd enjoy it once she was there. With help from her friends, she talked herself into getting on the flight and had a great time.

She’s made the commitment - don’t give her an out by taking money from her instead.

This is about teaching her to dig deep and overcome nerves. Can you speak to a teacher and explain she’s worried? Maybe they’ll have a chat and let her sit out on a couple of activities.

How far away is her birthday. If it's months (that's a lifetime in teenage time) she probably can't see that far ahead (and realistically understand that's there will be no presents at all)

I would write a contract that she signs! I know that sounds brutal but seeing it in black and white may just focus her thoughts

I think she'll enjoy it once she goes.

You need ti make her go, OP. You know you do!

Insist she goes. Talk to the school even.

If she absolutely refuses, then YANBU. At 13, almost 14, she absolutely is capable of understanding how much money she has cost you. And she needs to learn an important lesson.

It sounds like she doesn't have any confidence in doing the activities. It will probably be good for her. Make her go. Nobody's going to force her to do anything if she genuinely doesn't want to do it at the time.

Sorry after begging you to go despite all your arguments otherwise she HAS to go, that will teach her a lesson
and if she refuses, I agree that she has to pay you back

it is out of order that she thinks she can just throw away the money especially given that you are single mum and are financially stretched

Are you 100% sure there isn’t something she isn’t telling you? Is it definitely just the activities?

Does she normally like sports, outdoor activities etc? Was she expecting it to be more like a hiking holiday and mainstream sports rather than rock climbing and rowing? Maybe she has some specific fears that you could address eg she is worried about climbing at height or she isn’t a strong swimmer so doesn’t feel confident doing water sports or is she concerned she won’t be able to do them and everyone else will…

honestly all the "shes going-tough"replies.
i have a ds (13) HOW exactly do you execute the "isnt a choice"thing. ?
@TheGreyPeer ....
Rather than get into the you knew what you signed up for -tough battle,can you suggest-given expense etc...she goes and tries to make most of it.They cant and wont actually FORCE her to do any physical activity so rather than miss out entirely she could maybe be the group photographer or something. Shes cutting her nose of to spite her face if she misses the experience\social and see mates enjoy self ...
that said.I KNOW my boy .and myself.bottom line is-if he point blank refused I would NEVER force him.
Its a huge massive spend to loose tho-at a push can speak to school and at very worst donate her place to a kid that would never otherwise have the opportunity?

She wanted to go, you have paid for her to go, she knew it was non refundable, tough luck she now goes - she needs to understand the consequences

The majority of AIBU posters are over 50, so it makes sense in that context there are older views on parenting sadly

And this is why kids are so soft these days

Have you reassured her that it's not as scary as it sounds and most likely, she'll have fun, conquer some fears and have a massive boost to her self esteem.
I'd be telling her she has to go.

I’d try and persuade her to go but if not, then I’d definitely insist you are paid back for the trip the way you suggest - no birthday money, etc.