Changing our lives! Hand hold please?

[MrsCChris]

Well I don't even know where to start.

Things at home have been up and down for a while. Issues with finances, we split finances 50/50 but it resulted in me having less money as I earnt less. Pooled everything into a joint account then I get questioned for whatever I spend.

Things at home are very "shouty". My DH (in my opinion) reacts over the smallest of things. There have been a number of things over the years. It has all come to a head today.

We had just had our lunch, both sat on the sofa eating a sandwich. We had finished lunch. I have a teenage child at home who came down and also asked for a sandwich.
I made the sandwich and crisps, but it on a plate and a lap tray. My teenager sat down and ate it.

There were a few crisps crumbs on her jumper. DH started moaning saying there was mess everywhere. She brushed the crumbs onto the plate off her jumper! NO BIG DEAL!

He then started ranting stating that he said there was no eating on the sofa. I explained we had eaten on the sofa and plus I gave her a tray. He then said we are ALLOWED to eat on the sofa because we pay for it but she doesn't. This escalated into a row.

Furthermore, he then said both get your stuff and f@ck off to your parents and that I would never meet anyone else as they would not put up with HER. He said all this within her earshot.

My child is going into her GCSE year and isn't a toddler who is going to make a massive mess.

He isn't her real dad.

He says I am unreasonable because I defend and stick up for my daughter. Am I? If I don't defend her against an adult shouting over a couple of f@ckin crisp crumbs then who will!

You'll be happier single, your daughter will be happier if you're single. There really isn't anything else to say. Get rid of that miserable man and live a great life with your daughter.

Even though I totally agree with the LTB consensus on here, I also think half of that sofa is yours, and you get to say whether it's OK for your daughter to potentially (not even actually FFS) get crumbs on it.

He's a cunt. Bin him off.

Yes my parents are helping me search for another rental near to them.

I didn't want to move into this house, his family approached him and asked if we would move in, I said it wasn't a good idea as I knew he could say get out this is my families house.

The tenancy agreement is in my name, for no particular reason other than I'm the or organised one with paperwork etc and every other home has been in my name.

Thanks for this it made me cry.

I feel really low and low self esteem.

For example a couple of weeks ago when we was in the gym, he pointed out another girl who was training her legs and bum, said she always trains this apparently as he sees her!

Said I should ask if I could train with her to tone myself up!

It's stupid I know but it's just made me feel awful, with the fact of no one will ever want me ( I don't want anyone at all I just want me and my daughter to be happy) aswell as trying to be strong for my daughter and show her this isn't right, I just feel awful about myself.

I didn't think I would be here at 40.

This!
And personally I think you’d be best to try to find somewhere else to live - I think you may be happier having all ties with your H cut so you can begin this fresh new chapter of your life.

@MrsCChris

I'd cut the fucking sofa in half and leave with "my half".

In fact, when my abusive ex stormed out (only over the road to his Mummys house) shouting that he'd take everything he ever paid for, I threw the sofa through the patio doors and over the balcony at him (it landed in our downstairs garden!)

OP I wouldn't recommend that - but it made me feel good (until I realised I had to get it back upstairs lol)

I promise this IS actually happening.

I'm sat here reading these messages of support crying.

Please don't dismiss my situation. This is my life!

He’s a fucking asshole.

@MrsCChris

See if you can get therapy to help with improving your self esteem/self worth. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) might be helpful with this.

Also, I think you should consider joining a new gym (because you don’t want to bump into your H at the gym/don’t want to be reminded of him while you’re working out). Maybe also consider finding an exercise class you could join too at your new gym? That might help you meet more people socially and possibly a chance to make new friends.

I’ve learnt life can give us many scenarios we never anticipated - some for good, others not so good. You are of course very welcome to wallow and pity the situation for a while, but I suggest that in the longer term, the best revenge on your H is finding your own new house for you and your daughter, working on your self esteem, re-establishing any other relationships, like spending more time with your parents, any friends/other relatives etc. and trying to find some new hobbies. What better revenge for how your H has treated you and your daughter, than being able to look back and think ‘you put us through all that but you didn’t destroy us, you just made us tougher and now we’re happier than we ever were with you’!! It will probably take some time, but you can get there! Don’t give up hope!

@MrsCChris

You are wonderful, your daughter is wonderful and you are both going to be absolutely fine.

I don’t think anyone is ever where they want to be at certain ages, it’s just an arbitrary marker.

At 40, do you want to be a woman who allows herself and child to be abused, or do you want to show your strength and resilience to escape to a better, happier and more successful future?

You literally hold all the cards, and you are the organiser of the outfit so you have a skill set to set up a new life. He is going to fall on his arse.

Move to a different gym if you still want to go, engage with therapy, activities that make you feel good and confidence building classes/exercises. I guarantee when you aren’t being shouted at daily you will start to feel better.

Things might be rocky for a bit but you will be ok. Step one, keep all the paperwork and evidence of finances etc. Organise a few days leave, get your parents or whoever you can get to help you pack up yours and DD’s stuff - grab suitcases, bin liners and boxes and fill them. Get out while he’s at work so you aren’t facing abuse. If the furniture is part of the rental then fantastic you can leave it, if not get a van or abandon.

Everything is going to be ok. You are practical, capable and you will cope. You have your very lovely parents and daughter so lean into your relationships with them 💐

Well I think we can all agree he is truly awful. As a pp said, so many positives in your circumstances, leave him and enjoy the rest of your life. You can do it.

I'd be tempted to saw the bloody sofa in half and leave him with half as a final f-you. Or shit on it...🤣

I see me and @sam0207 are kindred spirits 😁

👏👏

You are doing the right thing OP. This is so damaging to your daughter, imagine living with someone who treats you like a piece of shit. This is how she must be feeling.

Ps I’d seek legal advice if I were you and make sure it’s documented wherever you can that he is abusive to your daughter and this is the reason you are splitting up.

You are doing the right thing by leaving. You MUST show your daughter that a)this is not an acceptable way to be treated by a partner and b) you will not put up with anyone being abusive to her. You’re there to protect her and teach her. Good luck. I hope your daughter is ok, she’ll probably do better in her exams after you’ve left that ar**hole!

Leave! If a partner spoke to my child in that way and treated me like that, I would be gone or would kick him out. There is nothing worse than someone who has one rule for them and a rule for everyone else, especially in your own home.

Well done OP for making the decision to leave and also for talking about it here. Good luck x

You can do this, you’ll look back in a years time and wonder why you hesitated.

he really is the pits.

Get your ducks in a row, and start the living process. Gather paperwork - passports marriage certificate bills in your name etc change passwords to any joint accounts etc and think about moving some stuff to a safe place.

Op so sorry this is happening to you ❤️
I went through similar, my daughter was a bit younger 10
I mightve stayed in that relationship longer if it wasn't for my dd
So, I'm so glad
And now at the age of 38 I'm with someone knew and with a baby my 2nd child
My daughter loves him to bits
My life completely changed
Ignore this man, this might ne the best thing ever ❤️

He’s an emotionally abusive twat! My mums ex was like this when I was a teen. It hugely effected my relationship with my mum. As I got to an older teen I avoided the house at all cost (often being places I didn’t want to be as I hated home so much). We had to walk on eggshells. Please please please leave him now. You will feel like a weight has been lifted and be so much happier without him. And your daughter will be too. Don’t let him make you live a life like this. You deserve better and so does your daughter. It took my mum too long to pluck up the courage but she’s so pleased to be free now! Sending hugs op. Xx

This just isn't working. There is obviously huge resentment here. I think its not just about crumbs. Sounds like he doesnt like your DD very much. Renting a house from his family isn't ideal. This is no way to live. Work towards leaving would be my advice

@MrsCChris

It’s perfectly understandable that you feel lost with everything you’ve experienced recently. I suggest if you can to try and build yourself up bit by bit. Here are some ideas for ‘finding yourself’ and experiencing more joy again:

• can you reach out to any old friends and try to re establish contact? is there anything currently you could engage in more to try to make some new friends?
• do you have any cousins, aunts or uncles etc. that you haven’t seen in a while that you would like to reconnect with?
• also see my other post suggesting joining an exercise class for the social side & joining a different gym
• are there any other hobbies you can pursue? Think back to any hobbies you enjoyed either in your childhood or before you met your current H - can you restart any old activities you enjoyed? Some ideas: sewing/knitting/any other craft hobbies or craft groups, drawing/painting, walking groups, photography club, singing/choir, playing a musical instrument etc.
• are there any holidays or travel plans you would love to do? Maybe you could make a list of places you’d like to visit and see if you can start planning any trips!
• are there any experiences you dream of doing with your daughter and/or with your parents - e.g. going to Glastonbury festival with your daughter, watching the Tour de France etc.
• are there any dreams you have had in the past that you’d love to refresh - could be anything like running the London Marathon, or climbing Ben Nevis or visiting a specific country or location or even anything much ‘smaller’ than these ideas too!
• volunteering (I don’t know if you’d have time for this, but some volunteering can be very flexible and doesn’t have to be weekly) - volunteering might be worth considering for your own pleasure and to make new connections socially - e.g. volunteering with a local museum/historical building, volunteering with a local animal centre, volunteering in a charity shop or with a food bank or soup kitchen etc.
• can you book some kind of celebration for after your daughter’s GCSEs that you can really look forward to - it might help your mindset to have something really positive like this in the future that you can look forward to and focus on, rather than focusing on the unpleasant past experiences.
• can you start some kind of new family routine with your daughter and maybe your parents to help signify this is a new chapter of your life - such as movie night Saturday, or takeaway Friday or something like that?

Go and speak to your Housing department in the morning and be clear about your situation, it reads like emotional DA. Be mindful you may be deemed intentionally homeless if you just vacate the property. Good luck and well done for standing up for your daughter.

You on your own can end the tenancy should you want. You normally need to give one month’s notice only. I’m going to say you should do this asap, don’t forget to check the date you pay so you can organise a leaving date. His behaviour is atrocious. Your dd will not stay much longer if you stay with him, this must be affecting her so badly and she will be more affected seeing you suffering.