Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

It's not as if your friend expected to smoke in your house - she went into the garden, and you were also outside when you had a few puffs on a cigarette. Is there nothing that your partner does that causes a smell you find unpleasant? Does he never eat really pungent food, fart, or have a smelly dump? I would find any of them more unpleasant and noticeable than the smell of someone who has been smoking.

I'm always amazed when I come across people who can smoke on a very occasional basis and then stop for months or years - it's something that I would never be able to do. I was a smoker for many years until I stopped almost 30 years ago. I still love the smell if I'm near to someone who is smoking but I know that if I had one puff I wouldn't be able to stop.

Why are so many posters excusing shit behaviour because smoking is involved?

Being shouted at and given the silent treatment, humiliating the OP in front of their friends... I don't care if the OP smoked 20 lambert & butler, there's literally no excuse for his behaviour.

YABU because you knew it's an issue. If you dismissed my feelings about it, I'd be ticked off after the fact, too.

All of this. I’m an ex smoker and the only reason I wouldn’t have a couple of puffs now is because I think it would be my slippery slope. We’re all adults, we all know it’s awful, but non smokers have no idea how addictive and hard to stop smoking is.
If someone lunged at me to catch me out like that my instinct would be to punch them out of my personal space quite honestly.
He is a giant and rude twat to treat you and your guests like that - I’d rather live with a garden smoker than someone as unforgiving and unpleasant.
He’s hardly perfect, is he?

In fairness, most people disagree with his behaviour, they just agree with him about the OP smoking.

"What do you think might happen, that lung cancer will magically float across your garden and through the keyhole?"
The jury is out on the dangers of third hand smoke on cushions, clothing etc. I had a very bad allergic reaction/asthma attack in a house of smokers because of the accumulated chemical toxins in the wallpaper and soft furnishings. I was taken to A and E.

'Fuming'? (LOLs in French)

As you were.

Yep! I wouldn't be in a relationship with a smoker

I was thinking that too 😂

Smoking is disgusting and stinks (I say that as an ex smoker and would say the same when I was still smoking).

However, you are a grown adult.

Too many times on here, I read threads where partners try and act like parents.
You’re not his child, you are his adult partner.

He does not own you and he doesn’t get to tell you what you can and can’t do.

If he doesn’t want to be with a smoker (social or not) then it’s up to him to have his boundaries and enforce them.

I would be mortified how he acted towards my friend, let alone yourself and I would seriously consider ending the relationship over this.
I couldn’t have someone I lived with talking to me like absolute shit.

He sounds like a very nasty person.

To be honest yes I would say that a friend can’t smoke when they visit even if it’s outside

I can’t stand smoke smells and they do travel in from outside so I wouldn’t be happy with a smoker doing that but they would know that before they came over

Thank you but this isn’t what I asked.

I was asking if his reaction to me having a few puffs on a cigarette was unreasonable.

DP used to smoke cigarettes, weed and vape when I met him. He's gradually dropped all three since we met partly because I have never liked the smell (we met online, I missed the smoker bit of.his profile or I'd have not swiped), his health and fertility and becuase despite his best efforts my son noticed and started taking an interest. So he dropped all three.

Sometimes while we're visiting his parents he stays up for a drink has a smoke with his dad, it is 100% his decision, I actually don't care either way that he smokes. Its his body and I'm proud of him for reducing it for the sake of our family at all.

So YANBU it's your body. It has no impact on him. It's a one off and he's being controlling af.

Is he speaking to you yet?

I can understand him hating smoking but his reaction seems aggressive?

Completely over the top reaction from him.

I don't personally like smoking, but a partner commenting on, let alone having a go at, any decisions I'm made about what to consume - be it cigarettes, class A drugs, or the severed limbs of babies - would get a very unpleasant reception. My body, my choice. Tell him to fuck right off.

Edit: Spelling

He sounds borderline neurotic. It does sound like he wanted a gotcha moment, If he can't live with a smoker, is he going to leave over a couple of puffs on a fag? Or is he going to use this as a rod to beat you? I would tell him to get over it,or bugger off and sulk alone.

I don’t know. He’s obviously not being very nice but I would be so horrified if my Dh had a smoke. Or if someone smoked on our property - I don’t think that’s ever happened.

thing is hes probably worried that one puff turns into 1 cigarette that turns into 1 pack into everyday smoking. Thats how it works for a lot of people so hes probably worried about that. I would also hate it if my husband started having sneaky puffs in case it turned into more.

🤣 I realised this as I typed it but it thought it seemed appropriate!

I hate people smoking around me
I hate the smell when smokers come back in after having a smoke

its disgusting.

However, what I hate even more are complete bellends. He'd only act like that once, I'm not his child!! Acting like that in front of a friend, he'd be gone immediately. I couldn't be with someone so socially lacking.

some posters are wayyy over the top. A few drags on a cigarette, every couple of years doesn't make you a smoker FGS.

you would be mad to stay with him, you're the frog in the pot & he's turning up the heat slowly.

No he’s gone to work

I don't think it matters what you did tbh - it wasn't illegal! He had no right to speak to you like that.
He doesn't have to like or approve of smoking but you are a grown adult - he's not your dad and you aren't a child.

If he thinks it's okay to behave like this now, what else is he going to become dictatorial about in the future?

I wouldn't be in a rush to marry him

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable to be honest. You can do what you want but he’s got the right to be disgusted by it.

I imagine it’s the duplicity of it which is as disappointing as anything.