Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

Sounds like he was spoiling for a fight, I don't think I would want to be with someone who behaved like that when I was enjoying a night with a friend.

I don’t remember her mentioning any lying. What did she lie about?

YANBU. I would be furious to be on the receiving end of this. He certainly wouldn’t be doing it twice.

Did he have a drink?

He said if she was a social smoker he would have left her. She’s told him she’s not. And now she is.

That’s ridiculous!
lots of people pack in smoking successfully

a drag on a cigarette does not a smoker make!

It sounds like an over reaction to me unless there's more history to it? I absolutely hate smoking so can understand where he's coming from but at the end of the day, you had a few drags which is your choice. Maybe he's worried you're going to want to start smoking again? Or maybe he's just worried for your health? I'd say it does seem a bit over the top though

I wouldn’t fancy the hottest person in the world if they smelt of fags, absolutely disgusting. Instant ick.

His approach is all wrong. Yes, he finds you smoking revolting etc etc. But the silent treatment and seething is unacceptable. You haven’t ’betrayed’ him and ‘broken his trust.’ Nothing was illegal - he simply wasn’t able to prevent you doing something that you wanted to do. You’re an adult. He can choose to make this a deal breaker if he wants or he can unpick why he’s so furious. Is he really worried about your health after one cigarette? Or furious about a smell he has to lean in and sniff to detect? Or does he view it as you choosing a cigarette over his estimation / approval of you? Or is it the fact you did it without consulting him? Or the fact that he felt that he knew you well but no longer does? The point is refer back to is that you are an adult with autonomy and being punished for making a personal choice and embarrassed in front of visitors is entirely different to him not voicing that he hates you having a cigarette.

I disagree with this. As I said it was a one-off. I don’t classify myself as a social smoker as I don’t smoke in any social situation usually - I could probably count on one hand how many times I’ve smoked in the last 10 years. I don’t even know why I did it - I think it was just being with my friend and having a few drinks. It’s not normally something I would do.

Categorically YANBU.

So it's not a one-off then, is it? I would definitely say you are a social smoker.

He shouldn't have behaved the way he did, but equally he has every right not to want to stay in a relationship with you.

YANBU

I think there are two separate issues here.

He was way over the top to speak to you the way he did, and should have absolutely not brought it up in front of your friend. You aren’t wrong to be angry about the way he behaved.

You were wrong for complete dismissing his feelings. It does seem that you completely disregarded his views, over something that you aren’t even bothered about. You weren’t struggling with addiction and couldn’t help yourself. You wanted to so you did it, knowing he would be hurt.

I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who blew up at me the way your husband did. But I also wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who did things they knew would be hurtful to me, just because they ‘fancied it’ in the moment.

It's fully unacceptable to lose your shit at your partner in front of people like that, is he 17?? I understand him being angry, but that's a conversation to have in private. You were unreasonable to have one, knowing how strongly he feels, but that still doesn't justify that reaction.
Also so surprised to learn that there are people who think that if you every smoke occasionally you are 'smoker' and addicted - il have a cigarette MAYBE once a year, once asked a doctor if that meant i should put smoker on a form and got a resounding 'no'. Learnt a lot from this thread!

'Deliberately smoked one' - you sound controlling and it's obvious you're a man.

He was definitely OTT. He doesn't get to shout at you. What a prick!

His reaction is definitely extreme, and not great, but I think you’re underplaying your part if you are insisting you are not a social smoker. You’ve smoked. How is he, or you or anyone to know this isn’t the start of being a smoker again. Or that the next time it happens will be the start of you smoking again. It would be a deal breaker for a lot of people and his anger is maybe coming from a place where he knows there is a possibility he can’t be with you anymore.

OP I totally get it and think there are some hysterectomy overreactions on here. I've never bought a pack in my life. At uni a few of my friends smoked and I would have 1 or 2 on a night out if the atmosphere and level of alcohol led to it, probably about twice a year. I can and have gone decades without touching one as almost none of my friends still smoke. Again, on one or two occasions, sitting in a pub garden I might have one.

In fairness to your DP, I never did touch one of if was with or going to be with my partner later that night but still. You could have showered, brushed your teeth and it would be fine. His behaviour, in my view is way OTT for the actual amount of smoking involved and the wider context.

Jesus Christ, don't marry him.

Ridiculous over-reaction on his part, and no way to behave in front of guests.

He sounds like a controlling arse. Don't marry him.

My df and dfil died from lung cancer as a result of smoking. We have absolutely warned the kids off ever smoking and told them it’s horrible etc etc but I have relatives who smoke and if the kids smoke as adults I won’t be happy but I wouldn’t DISOWN them!! I suppose it all comes down to how much you both love each other, but it seems awful that it’s a deal breaker for him

Having a couple of drags once does not mean she's now a social smoker. Ridiculous.

He's a controlling prick. You are an adult and his reaction is like that of a father to a child, not a partner to an equal. I would seriously consider whether this relationship is worth sticking with. If he's controlling about smoking, what next? I speak from experience. My ex started with forbidding me to smoke, then he decided wearing make up made me look tarty, he didn't like me wearing form fitting clothes or painting my nails. Basically he tried to change me from the person I was into a drab obedient servile dull looking woman. I was young and stupid at the time, and it took me a while to realise what he was doing.

@Loloj
What’s your DP like normally?

I had a v controlling ex and he was always waiting to “catch me out” on things as you said, in precisely these scenarios.

He’d then use these one-off incidents to back-up his narrative of me as a “liar” or “not to be trusted” etc and not let it go.

So yes, I find your DP behaviour over the top, he’s not contextualizing it for what it is - a not great one-off, it’s not as if you’ll start back sliding and smoking a pack a day now.