Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

Thanks for your reply. There really is no further history to it. He knows that I smoked socially when I was younger years before I met him and it’s not something I do anymore (apart from last night). I literally took a few drags of a cigarette - it was probably nostalgia and being with an old friend having a few drinks. It’s not something I intend on repeating but at the same time I feel like it was my decision to make.

If you read her update, this isn't the first time she's done it.

To be clear, I don't agree with his behaviour in the slightest but this isn't the one-off that OP made it out to be in the first post.

I think it depends on what promises or otherwise have been made or broken. Eg I used to smoke regularly and still do occasionally when I go out. My wife hates smoking and right from the start, I said I'd never smoke when with her, but never promised to stop completely forever. So if I had a smoke with a friend in the garden at home, I'd be breaking that promise, and so would not do it, but when out with friends then showering once I got home, clothes straight in the wash etc, then it's up to me.

Jesus these replies....of course he shouldn't be treating you like a child for a few drags on a cigarette. Tell him to get a life

It did sound like he over reacted. Maybe once things have calmed down ask him about it. I wonder if he has some strong negative memories attached to smoking which came out in the moment.

Whilst ideally we would never blow our tops, if this was out of character for him I would try to understand and to get him to reflect why he reacted in that way. If he usually reacts like this there is a whole other problem way beyond smoking.

I am sorry but it wot E a red line to me. I detest the smell of them and couldn't be intimate or share a room with a smoker, the stink lingers on everything.

coastalhawk · Today 13:19
TimeGrabsYouByTheWrist · Today 12:58

YABU.

Cigarettes are repulsive. You knew your OH hated cigarettes yet you deliberately smoked one knowing that it would antagonise him.

And now you have the audacity to accuse him of being unreasonable. This is almost gaslighting him!
**
'Deliberately smoked one' - you sound controlling and it's obvious you're a man”

I’m not a man and I agree with @TimeGrabsYouByTheWrist . To deliberately do the one thing you know the person you supposedly love hates is antagonistic.
OP’s partner is not being controlling. He’s expressing his disgust and disappointment, which he’s entitled to do in his home.

He sounds awful. And what sort of comments was he making to your friend? She's an adult, she was going outside to smoke, why does he get to be so rude?

He did not handle himself well at all, but you well know exactly how visceral his hatred is for smoking. Many people feel this way, including my own husband. The smell alone is massively triggering and makes him absolutely sick. My husband's parents smoke and he does not allow them to smoke anywhere on our property. That's how much he hates it.

Your partner was wrong for how he dealt with his disgust, but you smoking was incredibly disrespectful knowing how he feels about it.

I am somewhere in the middle.

As someone who was brought by smokers it is the fastest ick it’s possible for me to have. It’s utterly gross - like admitting to eating sh!t.

so I do get it.

but at the same time he can finish things if he doesn’t want to take the risk that you’ll do this.

He made his feelings on this very clear. You knew what is reaction would be.

You are a smoker. You do smoke and you need to make sure that any health insurance you fill in states as much. A non-smoker such as myself would never, ever, have even one puff of a cigarette. That is the difference between you and me, you smoke, it doesn't matter how occasionally you haven't stopped.

You engaged in behaviour you knew your partner is disgusted by, you chose to make that decision he gets to choose his response to that. What is to say that you won't smoke again next time you have a drink? Personally I think he was being very generous having a smoker, who was smoking outside the whole evening, back into the house. It fucking stinks, sticks to clothes and hair, she sat in her smoky clothes on the furniture. It is disgusting.

My Mum died of lung cancer because she smoked. My reaction would be highly pissed off too.

Comments to do with the smell. Not necessarily directly to her but saying to me “oh is she out for another one?!” when she’s nipped outside. And “urgh I can smell it coming in the house” even though she’s stood at the opposite end of the garden. The comments he would make directly to her are more “jokey” maybe a bit passive aggressive - it makes me feel slightly embarrassed and I just think “oh give it a rest”. It’s not like his comments are going to stop her and she’s our guest so I want her to feel comfortable coming to visit.

You're an adult, you have an agency and you can do what you want.

However, so is he and he's made it very clear that smoking is a dealbreaker for him.

So one-off or not, you must have known this would turn into a 'situation'.

I feel the same as your partner about smoking. For me, the relationship would be over. That may sound harsh but it's something I feel that strongly about. I suspect your partner is the same. Whilst you think he's over-reacting, he's thinking whether he can even stay with you now or if it's over.

Sorry, but allowing your friend to smoke on your property and then coming inside with her stinking clothes is so disrespectful to your partner. Smokers fucking STINK. It's disgusting and the smell does not just quickly fade away. The smell of cigarette smoke lingers and it's physically revolting to someone like your partner, my husband, and even myself. Why did you put your friend over your partner?

You are allowed to smoke if you want. Your partner is allowed to not want to be with a smoker.

Maybe he’s concerned about the habit developing into something more frequent.

she’s our guest so I want her to feel comfortable coming to visit.

Sod that. Your partner has the right to not have cigarette smoke and the stink of it in his home. His right to that completely trumps your friends choice to smoke.

Ridiculous over-reaction.

Is he some paragon of virtue?

Not always true. My mum smoked about 10 a day when she was a young adult; gave up before the big health scares because it was expensive and sometimes made her throat sore; and afterwards VERY occasionally smoked one cigarette if the others with her were smoking, without feeling any temptation to go back to the habit.

She was lucky, and most smokers and ex-smokers do struggle with addiction, but it's not always the case.

I think we can say that a partner has no right to control another person, but does have a right to express their emotions at the other person's choices.
So , you obviously have the right to smoke a cigarette, but you don't get to decide how your partner reacts when he finds out.

I'd be disappointed because aside from the stench I don't see eye to eye with someone who would choose to participate in an known unhealthy habit and risk slipping into addiction rather than rationally acknowledging this and not partaking. In the same way I'd be disappointed in someone who considered themselves above the possibility of becoming addicted to anything, gambling for instance or getting into debt for example.

So, you can choose to smoke, even just the once, but you can't control what other people think of this.

It seems like you have different definitions of what a non smoker is. It seems like for him a non smoker would never smoke. Whereas in your eyes, you can have occasional cigarette and be a non smoker.

I think your partner is over reacting! He's entitled not to like the smell, but he doesn't have the right to tell you that you can't have a couple of puffs of a cigarette in two years.

Your partner was unreasonable to be passive aggressive in how he spoke to you friend. The smell clearly bothers him- he should have asked the friend not to smoke in either the house or garden.

How does he normally behave when you have a disagreement about something?

Also- have you ever actually promised him you would never smoke again, or has he assumed this?

So would you suggest that I never have my friend over for a visit because my partner doesn’t like her smoking? It’s not like she smokes in the house. That’s one sure way to kill a close friendship of over 30 years. I don’t see her very often but I’d never say she couldn’t come to visit because my partner didn’t like her smoking outside.

I suspect this isn’t the first time you’ve had a drag or two but he’s never been able to prove it before.
Either way he probably thinks you’ve been lying to him all along about not smoking.
I agree with PP, you were being deliberately antagonistic.

I completely agree with your partner.

Also having a few drags of your friends cigarette is absolutely revolting.

Completely gross.