Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

Such silly melodrama over a couple of pulls on a ciggie after a few drinks

chill everyone

OP your partner sounds like a bit of a dud, maybe reconsider whether you actually do wanna be with him
in the longer term. Personally I think after how he’s just responded id have got the ick

The phrase 'a couple of pulls on a ciggie' makes me feel sightly sick.

Omg he sounds batshit! I can't believe some posters agree with the OP's partner. Having a few drags of a friend's cigarette after a few drinks does not compare with being a habitual smoker who stinks out the house. My partner wouldn't bat an eyelid and neither of us smoke or particularly like smoking.

The phrase 'a couple of pulls on a ciggie' makes me feel sightly sick

How do you feel about the abusive partner?

Yeah I was gonna say there are far more sickening things at play than the phrase “a couple of pulls on a ciggie” if you read OP’s posts @HeadDeskHeadDesk
think you’re focusing on the wrong thing

Don't be ridiculous! My Step Daughter shared a ciggie in a park with her friend when she was 14, it made her feel ill and she never tried it again. She's nearly 30 now, but by your reckoning she is a smoker for life! 😆😆

No, I've never been a smoker. Like most kids of my era, I tried posing around with a cigarette in my hand maybe three times as a young teenager and I did smoke it (sort of) but the whole thing was just too revolting for me to want to keep going to the point where I developed an addiction. I cared more about hating it than I cared about wanting to fit in with the crowd. Plus trying it just confirmed what I already knew. Having grown up with parents that smoked around me, I knew it was just plain revolting and it involved spending a lot of money they didn't have, when there was often very little food in the cupboards. So nothing to be proud of or aspire to whatsoever.

People describing the physical act of smoking has always been something that has turned my stomach a bit, especially when it's made to sound sort of comforting, like food. Like when someone says that a cigarette is 'delicious' or they are 'gagging' for one. It gives me the hebee jeebees. It's just the most disgusting, foul tasting, foul smelling thing, that I find it seedy and sad that people can talk about it as if it's somehow nourishing, or enjoyable.

The truth is that no-one on the planet ever truly enjoyed their first couple of packs of cigarettes. They had to train themselves to tolerate it. And once they could tolerate it, they persevered until they were addicted. The point at which they think they started to enjoy it was nothing more than the tell tale signs of the beginnings of an addiction being fed. The act of smoking is not and never has been enjoyable in and of itself. In the beginning it tastes absolutely vile and it makes you feel sick and dizzy. It makes your clothes, your hair and your hands stink. Eventually you develop a revolting, phlegmy hacking cough and that horrible raspy smoker's laugh. Ugh. And as for your horrible fag breath, well there are no words to describe how stomach turning that is to everyone around you. The only reason other smokers don't experience the same strong reaction to it in other people is because their sense of smell has been so blunted by smoking themselves. So they rationalise that it can't smell that bad on them, either. They are wrong.

But once new smokers have broken through the pain barrier as it were, to reach the fabulous giddy heights of nicotine addiction they were so studiously working towards, they start to suffer from the delusion that the act of smoking itself is enjoyable and comforting. It's not. It never has been. The enjoyment and comfort comes purely from feeding your need for a nicotine fix. That's all. It's just that putting a cigarette in your mouth and drawing on it has become such a strong muscle memory that you are incapable of not associating it with the sheer relief of the nicotine hit. An analogy might be if a heroin addict started to believe that they were thoroughly enjoying the physical act of sticking needles in themselves. But at least the heroin addict is probably more realistic about which part of the whole process they are getting some benefit from, unlike most smokers.

The word ciggie gives me the ick. It's the attempt to turn something so unpleasant and unhealthy into something that sounds approachable and harmless and friendly. And for me, describing someone as 'pulling' on a cigarette just conjures up images of desperation for a fix.

I was taking the piss.

He’s being very ridiculous. It was only once for a fun on one night. Reminds me of those threads where people totally lose their minds over their DH doing coke on a night out and think it’s a relationship ender. Life is messy and complicated and we’re all here to have fun! Tell him to grow up and stop being a baby about it.

It's not the same as doing a line at all. I'd 100% end a relationship over my partner doing a line of coke on a night out.

That was long just about ciggies and not about the abusive partner go figure

I agree actually.

@HeadDeskHeadDesk

ok hate smoking. And?

what do you think about the shitty behaviour of OP’s partner?

This is not remotely similar to doing coke! Wtf? I'd be much, much angrier about that! I wouldn't immediately end my marriage over it but I wouldn't let him off easily for it.

Having said that, I still wouldn't make things awkward in front of friends during the evening or the morning after the event. I'd wait until we were alone to have that conversation. So, to come back to OP's partner, he behaved appallingly - whether his opinion about OP smoking is justified or not!

I think his reaction to you was waaaay over the top, rude and controlling (and I wonder whether it's symptomatic of other controlling behaviour?). I also think all the passive aggressive comments about your friend are rude and over the top. It's possible to both dislike the smell of cigarettes (which agree smell nasty) and put up with a mild unpleasantness for a short period of time because someone is a treasured friend. Yes, cigarettes small horrid, but if someone is nipping outside to smoke (ie not in the house) the smell really isn't THAT bad, and doesn't last THAT long. Neither is the smell on someone who had a couple of crafty drags - your DP should get over himself.

I also can't get all the holier than thou uptightness about the odd social cigarette - given the number of people who used to enjoy a few social cigarettes (or still do - not going to lie, my DH and I do like a couple of menthol ones on holiday - we confine it to holidays or say a big event like a wedding - and you'd be surprised how many other completely non-smokers are also at it at a wedding for example), it's not like she did a bit of heroin with her friend. I really think people who are that uptight about the odd social cigarette need to get over themselves. Absolutely fine to say to ones other half in those circumstances fine you don't get any kisses until the smell has gone, but it's really not like the smell that you get in the house / on clothing etc if someone is a regular smoker, which obviously does linger and I agree is disgusting. A shower / teeth brush / fresh clothes and any smell will be completely gone.

I don’t smoke, but some of these replies 😂, talk about judgemental. So many perfect people on here, it’s like you stepped on a puppy

It's not easy to work out who is taking the piss, and who is batshit crazy on this thread!

OP I can see why the trying to catch you out would annoy you. He was also rude to your friend.

But maybe you need to encourage your friend to give up. Smoking is really really stupid. Quite apart from the health risks, it gives you awful breath, teeth and skin. And it's really expensive! My mum persuaded a friend to stop by making her see how much money she was wasting on it.

And it's absolutely fine to be judgmental about smoking in the abstract. It has zero redeeming features.

@parkrun500club Ffs she knows all this she wanted opinions on her partner being OTT

and he was a controlling abusive arsehole not just damn rude to her friend

Oh I 100% agree.
I should have made it more clear 😊