Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

Well I would have.

He sounds like a prize prick.

I bet he doesn't comment loudly to big strong men who smoke?

I wonder why...

It is about being a paragon of virtue though is it. Op said she is not a smoker. But last night she was smoking. I would absolutely not marry a smoker. It stinks. Smokers stink. Smokers houses stink. The only people who think they don't are smokers or people who live with one and are now nose blind.

smokers who smoke outside and then come inside have the foulest smell. It truly is awful.

op’s df has a right to decide whether he wants to marry a smoker or not just as op has a right to be a smoker if she wants. He doesnt have to marry op.

Probably because he isnt planning to marry one of those.

Giving your partner the silent treatment is pretty unpleasant and not something I would put up with.

Fine to have a disagreement - we all have differences of opinion - but to carry it on the next day is just unnecessary.

She doesn’t leave the smell outside though. She brings it in the house on her clothes, her hair, her breath, her hands. And now he probably sees her as a bad influence on you too.

There does need to be some compromise on having smokers in the house.

No I’ve never promised anything and he knows I’ve had a couple of puffs off a vape before when I’ve been out as I told him.

At the same time he hates it so he may very well have assumed that I wouldn’t do it.

If he had kicked off because of anxiety about the health consequences to you, or even to himself (passive smoking), I would think it not entirely U of him. But accusing you of 'breaking his trust' etc. is very OTT.

The only thing that might excuse it, is if he is himself an ex-smoker and fears that being around someone smoking might drag him back into his addiction. I assume that this is not the case?

As he dislikes being around smokers so much, I'd certainly advise you to avoid even the most occasional smoking while with him. But his being so emotionally self-righteous about it is a bit of a red flag. If he's ONLY like this about smoking, I'd accept it; many of us have something that we have a 'thing' about. But if it's part of an authoritarian attitude in general, then it's worrying.

It's truly terrifying that 30% of people here believe it is acceptable to control what another person does with their body

This. It's your decision but if he can't tolerate it at all he'll break up with you. I'd break up with my DH if he ever smoked because I hate the smell and it triggers my asthma too.

I know I will get killed for this but...

As a French person I have always found the British puritanism around smoking baffling, especially from such a fat and borderline alcoholic country

Personally I'd keep the smoking friend, have a couple of puffs when you feel like it and get rid of the wanker boyfriend. He's not your keeper.

He is allowed to feel how he feels about smoking but to get up in your face and kick off like that is totally unreasonable. Especially when you have guests.

If he cannot communicate in a civilised manner about something, in the grand scheme of things, so inconsequential then I'd be seriously questioning my relationship and future with this man.

I don’t let my friend’s husband who smokes or my BIL who smokes smoke when they visit my house, even outside. They know that and it’s fine, it’s a non-issue when they visit. I think it’s weird if that would end your friendship of 30 years.

What do you think might happen, that lung cancer will magically float across your garden and through the keyhole?

It is acceptable to be upset with what your partner does though! If I found out my husband had smoked or smoked weed I would be fuming, particularly if they came in stinking of it.

A bad influence? He's not her bloody dad and he doesn't get to decide who the OP can be friends with.

No, I just don’t like it. I don’t like cigarettes and I don’t like people smoking in my garden. It stinks and it’s not very nice for my neighbours whose garden backs onto ours. It’s my house, guests can choose to visit or not knowing this. It’s not much different from the way other people ask me to take my shoes off in their houses, I don’t require it in my own but happy to follow the rules when I’m a guest.

You're so right! I don't smoke but the militant attitude around smoking is unbelievable. Especially when they're complaining loudly over their Lambrini and big Macs 🤭

Totally OTT. I don't smoke and not a fan but would never be unkind to a friend about it. I've had friends that have smoked and that's life - generally happened outside and they would also make sure they sat down wind of me.
Growing up we had odd friends/family who smoked and my Mum was always very accommodating (can't stand smoke, but wanted to make people welcome).
If he can't deal with you having the odd rare smoke then he has a problem.....is it that different from someone who rarely drinks except occasionally?

An old boyfriend of a few months of mine was anti smoking. I had stopped years before but did still occasionally social smoke.

He asked me to promise I would never ever smoke again. I refused. I didn't want to be told what to do, or make a promise I possibly couldn't keep.

Reader, he dumped me. This was a total deal breaker for him, absolutely no exceptions.

@Loulou599 😂 I was just going to say the same thing ! We live in a European country and there are a lot of smokers. When my MIL visits she glares at people and waves her arms around ! They are nowhere near her 🙈. She's usually tucking into a bacon sandwich or a cream cake when she does it 😂

She's a lovely woman btw it's just really embarrassing 🙈

I remember when I was growing up, my parents didn't allow smoking on any part of their property (including their garden). My mum was asthmatic and the smell carried on people's clothes and hands and stuck to the furniture and the house.

It's quite common for people not to allow smokers in their homes.

You're right, it is acceptable to tell your partner in a cool and reasonable way that you don't like what they've done and how you would prefer it if they didn't do it again.

However being an absolute twat, especially in front of guests, is unreasonable.

I am on side OH. He might have been a bit OTT but the principle is that you smoked and brought that smell back into your joint home in the full knowledge that he would hate it.

Another batshit thread where there are lots of people excusing awful behaviour.

I think people are missing that he has never said your relationship would be over for him if you smoked as a one off. And you have never promised to stop. You just did something once that he doesn't like.

I hate smoking. To me, it stinks. My husband is like you, once every few years he will have a smoke with a friend. I refuse to share a room or bed with him unless he has had a shower and changed clothes. I wouldn't want to kiss him. But I'd actually speak to him about it. I wouldn't be passively aggressively moaning about it to him infront of a freind and I wouldn't be glaring at him, giving him the silent treatment etc. That's absolutely pathetic and a massive over reaction. He should use his words to talk to you about it not just sulk and be nasty