Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

YANBU but I think there are a LOT of U on this thread, Jesus Christ. It's a couple of drags on a cigarette. If my partner reacted like that I'd want to take it up properly just to make the point that I'm a fully grown adult who can make my own choices.

If 2 drags is a deal breaker for him then have a conversation with you like a grown up.

Why would you be horrified if your DH or someone else had a smoke on your property?

As long as it wasn’t indoors then surely it’s none of your business.
It seems a bit of an overreaction.

I couldn’t care less what people choose to do as long as it didn’t affect me.

The passive aggressive behaviour towards your friends is a warning sign to me - it's really rude to make your invited guest feel so unwelcome because she isn't conforming to his standards. It's your home too!

He's pissed off because you haven't done as you were told and he's realised you are still an independent person and not under his control

still not speaking to you abusive

noone tells me what to do with my own body-and being rude to a guestaswell

But the OP wasn't smoking sneakily. She said she went out to chat to her friend who had gone outside for a cigarette, and when she was outside, she decided she fancied a couple of puffs. She didn't say that she lied about it when she went back inside, so how can she have been duplicitous?

Yes, you don't need his approval or permission for what you do with your own body.

Um… to quote OP:

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out.

So she “lied” by omission for approx 10 seconds 😂 He didn’t ask or even give her chance to tell him!

The obvious solution would just be that your friend doesn’t smoke when she comes round? She doesn’t NEED to smoke, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable really to say actually we are not a smoking house so you can smoke when you leave after your night?

He wouldn't have been able to "catch you out" if you hadn't given him the opportunity.

You made the choice to smoke. You knew he wouldn't like it. This is on you not him. I wouldn't be impressed with my non smoking partner smoking either.

Smoking is disgusting, yes, but your partner sounds like a controlling idiot.

People are allowed to hate smoking but the bottom line is it's him that hates it, not her. So while he can insist on his own boundaries he doesn't control hers. And controlling someone else's behaviour is not a boundary.

If he says you are absolutely not allowed to even have a drag every now and then socially or it's over - I personally wouldn't accept that condition. I think it's controlling and infantilising and doesn't really sound like two adults trying to find a compromise together.

There's lots of things we find repugnant, we have to control ourselves and regulate our emotions around them like an adult. Sounds like he needs to do some work on managing his emotions.

Honestly I get it. I'm repulsed by smoking, I grew up in house full of it. Genuinely would loose respect for my dh if he smoked.

Also just a few puffs!! Reeks of being cool and rebellious round your friend. Quite childish. You know he hates it so why do it

It's not about control but respect for your partner. Every single time you go out now he will be paranoid that you are smoking. Once trust is broken it's hard to regain.

Agreed

As the wife of an ex smoker I would be terrified that one would lead to another and another and another.

I can see why he was horrified, particularly if you are to be married and may at some point in the future have kids in the household.

Your friend sounds like she's a heavy smoker if she went outside several times during the evening. The smell does linger.

Sounds to me like he was fed up with your friend going in and out for a cigarette and, as he couldn’t say anything to her, you got the full brunt of it.

When he gets in from work, I’d sit down and ask him for a calm chat. If this is a one off, tell him it wasn’t acceptable to speak to you like that and that your bodily autonomy means you can smoke if you wish.

But acknowledge that you know he hates it, say it was a one off/occasional vice and see if you can move on. Maybe also ask him if he has a problem with your friend and address that (can he go out when she comes?).

If however he has form for this sudden anger and unreasonable expectations (is it just smoking that’s the issue), you need to reassess your situation.

I have to disagree about always being a smoker I haven't smoked for over 40 years and have no intention of ever doing so again. When I stopped smoking I regarded myself as a non smoker not someone who had given up.

And he's planning to marry the OP's best friend, is he?

YANBU

Regardless what people think about smoking, two puffs in a specific context as OP describes shouldn't be treated like treason.

He’s controlling. Don't marry him.

You say your not a social smoker but someone who has a few and fancies a few puffs is exactly that.

You knew how much he hated it, so I don't know why your shocked with his reaction.

Not saying your wrong, it's your choice, but you knew his position on smoking.

It’s filth.. he’s unreasonable for blowing up in front of your guest, but other than that, knowing exactly how he feels about smoking then I don’t think he’s unreasonable in that sense.

Given you know how strongly he feels on such a big topic (this isnt the same as if you are both vegetarian and had a sneaky bacon sandwich). Smoking is addictive - I presume you enjoyed it, what about next time, and the next time, when you’re drunk and not thinking.. and I’ll also bet you a pack of fags, if he hadn’t caught you, you wouldn’t have told him.

Theres a trust that’s been broken here, whether you believe it or not.

@Loloj

As much as i agree with him your patner,
that smoking stinks and no good for your health,

However I don't agree either with your partner's controlling self righteous holier than thou, paternal father kind of disproving attitude and behaviour,

He knew you were a smoker must have known quite soon into seeing you dating you, that you were,

You smoke 🚬 outside and your friend does too so she is being respectful too in regards of smoking habits and your family's boundaries etc,

Any other areas aspects of your life does he act quite controlling too then?

As i can amagine him being like this in other ways too.

Unless he has had personal experience such as loved one or good friend of his having cancer or other health issues or threat of dying of 🤔 smoking related health issues,

which understandable he would have quite strong aversion reaction to anyone close smoking..

OP is not a smoker though, she had a couple of drags.
Big red flag from the partners overreaction, I would be questioning what other things he might decide OP is not allowed to do. Then I would decide whether I wish to stay in a relationship with this person

Absolutely not ok to have a go at you in front of your friend, give you the silent treatment, deliberately sniff you to catch you out (wtf who does that to an equal adult?!). His feelings on smoking are completely irrelevant to his treating you like an errant child rather than an autonomous partner.

You know that smoking is a deal breaker for him. He has told you that.
You knew you were putting your relationship at risk by choosing to smoke but decided to smoke.
Now you are saying he should just put up with it as it was a one off.
A bit like cheating but saying it only happened once or it was a kissing and fondling but not full sex.