Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

No it isn’t obesity is

smoking isn’t a sin where the hell did that come from

it isn’t ideal but we can still smoke if we wish as it’s not banned

Some of these comments have me questioning how people are surviving in the real world and their ability to emotionally regulate themselves!!

She is a grown ass adult!! If she wants to have a puff, she is more than able to do so, FULLY aware of the consequences! Her partner has no right to decide if she can or not. Regardless of family history. It's his job to manage his reaction, emotions.. not her job. Simple! She can respectfully disagree or agree but at the end of the day it's her choice!

As I said, fair enough. I just can’t wrap my head around a type of relationship where a couple of drags of a cigarette constitute an offense serious enough to end a marriage of 25 years.
I just wouldn’t want to be in such a relationship in the first place. In the same way I’m not laying down a set of strict rules for my partner to follow either.
For me personally, it’s less about “this is a no no for me, if you ever do it, I’m gone”, it’s more about how the person behaves in everyday life and especially during difficult times. But everyone is different I guess 🤷‍♀️

I'm assuming as your on mum's net that you are a mother.

So actually I get your partners reaction because your smoking isn't just affecting you, and having smokers around isn't a good example for the kids either. He probably felt betrayed because you so casually and thoughtlessly (it seems) just went and did something, at your home, that his is so against morally.

It is disgusting and it does smell disgusting, so I agree with him on this too.

It would be a complete turn off for me. I would see the person smoking as mentally weak for doing it and feel they didn't care about their life expectancy or my feelings towards it if I had made them clear (you said he had).

My brother smokes and I hate him visiting our house consequently and if he has to visit I don't even let him smoke in the garden. I don't want it around me or the kids and I am certainly not supporting a bad addiction.

If it was a different drug would your view be different?

Are all the 'you are NOT being unreasonable' voters smokers?!

Have you thought about why you did it? Was you trying to fit in with your friend and prioritising her over hubby?

Have you considered if she is actually a good friend knowing you have a history of smoking, but have managed to quit (well done), to then come over having them around you and even offering you one?

Msybe your husband WANTED her to feel uncomfortable because he doesn't want her smoking there!

I'm not sure smoking would ever get legalised if it came out now, and I am fully supportive of us being a smoke free country by 2028, although I'm not holding out much hope for that target!

Exactly.
My partner had an ex who drank too much. He didn’t like it, and yet he never asked me not to drink just because of the way she had behaved, because I’m obviously not her, and I’m not behaving like her.
He doesn’t see me as an extension of his ex, or some sort of child he needs to parent.

No?
Not as strange as what you infer from my posts?

I bet you’re one of those people who hangs bags of dog shit on branches because the council has the audacity to have not provided a bin in the immediate vicinity

OP had a couple of drags of a cigarette.
How is that going to affect her life expectancy? Or set a bad example for her children? She’s not smoking regularly.

Are all the 'you are NOT being unreasonable' voters smokers?!

I’m not.

It's the most dramatic thread I've seen on here in years. One poster said he'd leave his wife over a couple of puffs and another said her house "was never the same" after her husband smoked ONE NIGHT...OUTSIDE. 😂

It’s not just this thread that’s batshit. The whole of MN is batshit innit 🤣🤣🤣

Are all the 'you are NOT being unreasonable' voters smokers?!

No I'm not a smoker and your post up there is insane. So so overly dramatic. You sound so uptight.

Some right weird responses on here

smoking is a sin

smoking is evil

no it isnt

I genuinely wonder how some of these puritanical folk cope with every day life - you need to get a grip! Anyone would think OP injected herself with a load of heroin or something

YANBU Op

Any smoking impacts your health and life expectancy.

Yes this was apparently not much, but it's not something you can undo in the same way eating too much chocolate one night can be improved.

How you can say its not setting a bad example for her children though I cannot understand. They should NEVER see or smell her smoking.

I don't believe her husbands reaction was to the amount she smoked though, he didn't even know how much as he didn't see, it was the fact she chose to go and smoke.

From his comment it implies he thinks she's done it before too.

I work in cancer so maybe I am more concious of it than most.

Right, now you're just blatantly making things up. OP never said her DC were there or that she even has DCs.

@GabriellaFaith "Msybe your husband WANTED her to feel uncomfortable because he doesn't want her smoking there!"

You believe that is an acceptable way to behave towards a person?

I get that he doesn't like smoking but if my partner treated me (and my guest) like that he wouldn't be partner for much longer. The sniffing you is awful, very controlling and OTT.

I would see the person smoking as mentally weak for doing it and feel they didn't care about their life expectancy or my feelings towards it if I had made them clear (you said he had).

Well we can all judge each other because I'd see you as having poor evaluation skills, being hysterical and having a weird sense of superiority.

2 drags of a cigarette is not going to impact your health and life expectancy. That's like saying one bite of bacon is going to impact your health and life expectancy.

They all had a few drinks that night, presumably the partner was drinking also, do you have any comment on the drinking? Is that mentally weak? Does that mean they don't care about their life expectancy? Does the drinking mean that they were setting a bad example to children?

I said in my original reply, which I must add is someone asking my opinion which I have given! I said that I ASSUMED as she is on 'mums net' she has children there.

Could you explain please?

I didn't say if I agreed with it. I think they both behaved badly towards one another.

The poster asked for people's opinions and I have given mine explaining that I can understand (different to agree) why he's so cross.

I said seperatly that I do agree it's disgusting and stinks lol.

I, however, have not asked anyone's opinion 😂

I think everyone agrees it stinks, is disgusting etc. even the smokers I know say this but your posts are verging on hysteria.

The question asked something like if I thought partner being so annoyed was unreasonable and if knowing he feels so strongly about it she should never smoke.

My response is I think yes I can understand why he's so cross, and if you knew when you got together he felt so strongly then you want it to work then no you shouldn't smoke.

I gave MY opinion on the question asked.

With regards to her partner drinking, you have no idea if he was or not, what drink if so, or how much, so I couldn't possibly comment! But we wasn't asked what we thought about that!

Goodness, if we all gave our opinions on anything remotely related that we were guessing at, that wasn't included in the post and we wasn't asked about, it would be a long complicated thread each time 😂

I think your being a bit ridiculous.

I was asked what I thought. I gave my thoughts including had she considered some points which might explain how her partner felt and why he got so cross over it.

For example, if he doesn't like someone he isn't going to be too bothered about making them feel uncomfortable is it? Maybe he's not keen on them coming over because he thinks his partner will start smoking again. So maybe people saying it was wrong to make the guest feel arkward, maybe it was, I didn't comment on that, I just said maybe there was a rational of sorts behind his thinking or actions.

We don't know what happened exactly or why. I merely made it as a question for the poster to consider.

Now, my apologies to disappoint you, but I'm simply not interested in your opinion on my mental wellbeing 😂

I will leave it there as I need to get on, but this forum is to give our personal thoughts on the questions posted. Not to go giving our opinions on others responses. If they wanted just one person's thoughts they wouldnt have posted here🤷🏻‍♀️

My children see me drink a glass of wine occasionally.
Too much wine or any other alcohol is obviously bad for you.
Does that mean they should never see me drink even a single glass?

My response is I think yes I can understand why he's so cross, and if you knew when you got together he felt so strongly then you want it to work then no you shouldn't smoke

But if he felt so strongly about smoking then he shouldn't have got with a smoker/sociable smoker/. There's a few people on here bashing their partners for being a smoker when they met...yet they still got with them.

I would see the person smoking as mentally weak

My brother smokes and I hate him visiting our house consequently and if he has to visit I don't even let him smoke in the garden

I would say that the person who treats anyone like this is the mentally weak one. I would say your bother only does duty visits and avoids your house/garden like the plague.

Now, my apologies to disappoint you, but I'm simply not interested in youropinion on my mental wellbeing

Of course you're not interested. It's all about your opinions isn't it? You don't seem to be able to cope with people having a differing opinion to you. But yeah it's smokers who are 'mentally weak'.