Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

I would leave someone who spoke to me in front of others that way.

It was a couple of puffs of a cigarette. He could have spoken to you about it when he was alone.

Instead he did whatever the hell he thought it was he was accomplishing (ew), and also made your friend uncomfortable with his comments.

Sorry that would give me the ick.

Okay you had a few puff’s he could have subtly mentioned it or wait till the next day. Not take a tantrum over it. He needs to chill its not him that had the cigarette. He can accept it was a one off or well leave if he is so traumatised by it all.

He’s definitely taking it too far but from his perspective I can understand how he feels.

my OH user to be a social smoker, he very very occasionally on special occasions will have a cigar which I don’t mind as much. At a wedding he was outside chatting to a friend and ended up having a cigarette with me catching him, honestly I could have shoved it down his throat and I wasn’t best pleased with him. Reminded him the next day how much I hated smoking and he hasn’t done it since.

i don’t think as a social smoker you can understand how much a anti smoker detests it. I literally can smell it a mile off and to be in close quarters to a smoker makes my stomach heave

@MustWeDoThis
Do you have any unhealthy habits yourself? and if so would you think it was ok for someone to berate you over them?

Does he have any flaws you find hard to accept?

Uses a spoon instead of a knife and fork?

Coughs loudly to cover up a fart?

Doesn't always brush his teeth?

Sleeps in the spare room when he wants a wank?

I had all of these. What a loser. Frankly, I wish he'd smoked.

This! Honestly people acting like she's committed a murder.

on a side note, I have a friend who utterly detests smoking, vaping and drinking. However she has a cat and as soon as you come into her house, that smell hits, doesn't bother me at all but it does smell regardless of how many room spritzers she has. And apart from the fact that the cat brings dead animals inside the house and pisses and shits inside the house, yet that's not disgusting 😂

Fair enough, but if my partner talked about me the way you talk about your wife („disgusting, I'm still surprised to this day that we ended up getting married“) and was ready to leave me on a whim after 25 years together, I would also „instantly feel different“ about him.

Oh for gods sake.
Quit with the sanctimony.

@Loloj

On the one hand you say this:

He hasn’t asked me to promise I will never smoke again but that if I ever did then he would want me to tell him.

on the other hand you say this:

To clarify, for posters saying red flag and controlling behaviour etc. I can see why you would say this as it does sound very controlling on the face of it. However, he doesn’t display controlling behaviour in any other aspects of our relationship

But the first thing IS an example of controlling behaviour. If what he said is “I wouldn’t want you to feel you couldn’t ever tell me if you’d had a cigarette - I won’t behave that way again and accept that it’s something you may occasionally do” that’s one thing. But if he is asking you to self report your ‘bad’ behaviour to him that is absolutely a 🚩 for controlling behaviour.

Controlling men are not all that easy to spot.
You should do what you must do, and if you don’t plan to have children together then perhaps you’re happy with the level of control he has. But I would strongly advise you to read the Lundy Bancroft book before you go much further, as once you’re married and he is entitled to more of a ‘say’, or even more so if you get pregnant, you may find these behaviours you currently tolerate are just the tip of the iceberg.

Forewarned is forearmed - especially if you have a child to consider.

again no, I did not say my wife is disgusting, I said smoking is disgusting. That's my view, simple! I stop being another person flipping my words, my surprise was simply that I dated someone who I initially saw smoking. I'll just reiterate, I was a teenager, I was drunk, I hated smoking, stop blowing up my words! And it's not a whim, it's a boundary I'm entitled to have and many previously in this thread have also said they would leave a partner who crossed their boundary of smoking. Perhaps it's different for me because I'm saying it as a man.

And yet your post begs the question: just what are you smoking?

Whilst I’m completely anti smoking and probably as anal as him about it, I think he was in the wrong here.

you’re an adult and it’s feck all to do with him

This definitely. DH bullied and humiliated you over a minor infraction.
What bad habits does he have? Any that you actively dislike?

I think it wasn't much of a love if after 9 years and being engaged, it all evaporates after a couple of drags on a cigarette. I don't like smoking and have never smoked but I think he has been very unreasonable. So unreasonable, I think he must demonstrate the same inflexible unreasonableness in other aspects of your life together. His po-faced behaviour about breaking trust and sniffing round like some outraged bullying tomcat is terribly unattractive and, in fact, far more unattractive than a couple of puffs in the garden.

Victoriana era is calling and wants its stupid ideas on sex back.

@samqueens
“But the first thing IS an example of controlling behaviour. If what he said is “I wouldn’t want you to feel you couldn’t ever tell me if you’d had a cigarette - I won’t behave that way again and accept that it’s something you may occasionally do” that’s one thing. But if he is asking you to self report your ‘bad’ behaviour to him that is absolutely a 🚩 for controlling behaviour.”

Yes I actually agree with you and this is why further conversations need to be had with him. I shouldn’t have to report back to him and explain myself.

I agree OP- you shouldn't be beholden to report this 'bad behaviour ' to him. He can decide to accept that the fact you might take a drag once in a while or not (and leave). He also owes your friend an apology.

Is there anything else he doesn't like you doing and makes a fuss/sulks/moans about each time, even if he isn't quite so obvious and extreme?

I’m an ex smoker, but this thread is utterly bat shit.

Yes, smoking is undeniably bad for anyone’s health. Yes, smoking and smokers stink. Anyone, non-smokers, ex-smokers, smokers and people who have/are trying to quit but struggle with the nicotine addiction and may have the occasional (occasional as in one/few drags every few years) are free to regard smoking as disgusting and awful because it is.

But, OP has been firmly categorised as a smoker because she has a few drags of a cigarette every few years 🤣 The dichotomy of someone yellow-fingered person whose best friend is an ash tray smoking 40 per day compared to an ex-smoker who very occasionally takes a drag or two are not the same thing 🥴

Also perplexing, given the grand scheme of humanity and the vast array of atrocities that can be committed by humans against other humans and animals, is some of the extremes of emotive language used to describe smoking. What words are left to describe the likes of cruelty, starvation, murder, torture, burglary, rape, abuse of any kind etc. etc. 🤷‍♀️ NB. I say that with the caveat that smoking while pregnant and smoking in the same vicinity of babies, children and adults who have no option that to share the same environment, I would personally categorise as abusive behaviour by the smoker.

I am grateful that attitude in the UK towards smoking did turn and it was banned in public places, and prior to that I did feel bad that non-smokers were forced to share the same air as smokers in specific situations like the work place (IE. on public transport, non-smokers in the same work place break room with smokers).

When I did smoke (socially) I was very conscious of who was around me, I never smoked indoors and despite being addicted to nicotine I didn’t enjoy it. I’d always wash my hands and face and clean my teeth afterwards. I kept a “smoking cardigan” in my bag which I’d swap my coat for before I went out and I’d “air” my hair under the hand drier. I smoked at school to be “cool” and I didn’t care. Every time after that because I needed the nicotine to help me function. I hated it, the taste and the smell. I tried to quit, gum and patches were too powerful for me because I didn’t smoke everyday.

Ultimately, it was trying for a baby that gave me the willpower to quit for good. I don’t want to live with smokers. I don’t want them around my kids and the few smokers in my social circle know that. But if they choose to kill their lungs that’s their prerogative and I don’t harp on at them that I dislike their habit.

ETA - OP’s partner was irrational and massively overreacted, but if he chooses to end the relationship because of this then maybe that’s better for both of them.

No you haven’t answered the PP’s point. She’s right - your posts are particularly scathing and read as though you have a personal problem with the OP (presumably a stranger you have never met). Why are your posts towards OP so furious, it’s really strange.

As others have said - What?! Are you usually prone to serious overreaching and hysterics? Do you normally exaggerate normal situations and manipulate them into something they’re not? You sound immature and embarrassing at worst and manipulative at best. If you can’t behave in a normal and healthily functioning manner then may I suggest staying away from the general public instead of projecting and pushing your agenda of mistrust onto others. Probably for the best.

Yes, the MN habit of "trying to whip up outrage at a situation I dislike by likening it to something more extreme" is strong on this thread.

"You took a few drags on a cigarette? You may as well have shoved a skunk's arse in your DH's face, while smacking him with a mallet and drenching your bedsheets in cyanide! I don't blame him for reacting!"

I exaggerate, but once you see the pattern on here, you can't unsee it.

I voted YANBU as its your decision, your body. He shouldn't be waiting to catch you out. But I agree with him in that its disgusting and bad for health and couldn't be in a relationship with a smoker.

We all know that smoking is both antisocial these days and very bad for your health. Nevertheless your friend took herself off outside away from anyone who would be remotely affected by her cigarette, which is both polite and thoughtful. Your choice to 'puff a drag or two' with her is reasonably neither going to affect your health or that of anyone around you. Your partner's massive 'sniffing' over reaction appears to be the real problem here as it looks like he may have controlling issues, which may be a warning sign for the future.

I still don't see why it's disrespectful for the OP to do as she pleases with her body! Why is his opinion on smoking more important than hers? Why does he get to overrule her choices because he doesn't approve of them?

It really doesn't matter what she does (within the bounds of the law), the issue is that he thinks it's okay to kick off and sulk when she doesn't toe his line. No one would be condoning his behaviour if it was about what the OP was wearing or eating.
His 'boundaries' don't supersede the OP's personal autonomy!

I hope this is a solid boundary for him, so that OP gets to dodge the bullet of marriage to this arsehole.

Personally I’d argue religion is somewhat more toxic and has knocked off way more people. I’d also recommend therapy.

( or considering the use of massivest- finishing school)