Page 9 | to think this CAN work - son and pregnant daughter-in-law moving in

dirtyblond · 2024-04-13T23:07:06+00:00

so, what do you think? has this worked for you? Would you do it again? What mistakes should I avoid? What tips to make it successful. They are being evicted, and are planning on staying here around a year, while they get some savings together - both work full time.

2024namechange · 14/04/2024 08:40

My brother and SIL lived with my parents with their two kids for about 20 months including over covid.

To be honest it wasn’t a great time and I got a lot of complaints from both sides and felt like piggy in the middle. My SIL especially struggled with not being in charge of their own space.

That being said, they survived it and did have some good times. My parents enjoyed spending quality time with the grandchildren. Everyone still gets on well 4 years later.

You have to choose to be laid back and to let things go though.

Riverlee · 14/04/2024 08:41

Iaskedyouthrice · 14/04/2024 08:34

Have you spoken to your other adult children about this? I will be honest, I would struggle watching a sibling leech of my mother who had no money. Which is what they would be doing if paying you no rent and likely staying for more than a year.

Things like this cause rifts in families. Is it worth it?

That’s a good point. A good honest discussion needs tO be had with everyone.

What happens if they’re short this month? Will you be happy to buy extra food?

NosnowontheScottishhills · 14/04/2024 08:42

I agree it could be a very special time for all of you.

Xtraincome · 14/04/2024 08:43

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2024 00:50

I fail to see how they will be able to afford anything in a year when they can't afford it now while both working full-time.

You really need to think this through.

My thoughts exactly. They will be there for a long time. The DIL will be on Mat Pay too so less savings in a year. Also, if they aren't entitled to UC they might earn enough to rent.

OP, I would get mums on the property board hunting for rental properties for your son and partner. A 1 bed flat of their own will set them in better stead for the future of your relationship than staying with you.

The dynamic will be v different with a DIL- I struggled hugely living with my own mother when we owned the house together!

JudgeJ · 14/04/2024 08:44

CJ0374 · 14/04/2024 00:57

no, I won't be charging rent, yes, I have other children, but they have their own homes. I won't be helping them out, except by proving them somewhere to live

Why not charge rent? They are both working! Surely you will lose you single person council tax (you haven't mentioned a partner), plus the bills and increased household costs!

Your other children have their own homes- so why aren't they getting free handouts from you like your son is???

Charge same rent as their bedsit cost, even if you secretly save it for them, at least you would know they were saving something.

Itsaloadofbollocksbut · 14/04/2024 08:45

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 00:43

no, I won't be charging rent, yes, I have other children, but they have their own homes. I won't be helping them out, except by proving them somewhere to live

Show quote history

Don’t be surprised if this causes issues with your other children. My younger sister became a single parent and moved into the flat my parents own, rent free, for “a few weeks” when her baby was a few months old. It’s now been 4 years. Sister apparently isn't going anywhere, has rented out the house she owns in London and given up work. I think she’s taking the piss.

ViciousCurrentBun · 14/04/2024 08:47

Just have ground rules for you both, realise it’s temporary.

DAZZlanch · 14/04/2024 08:49

Slightly different but my mum lived with me for about 18 months for a variety of reasons. Things that caused real issues:
-TV. Try to have two so they don’t have to watch what you watch.
-Cleanliness levels. I’m very tidy, my mum isn’t. It caused huge friction. Maybe set up a cleaning rota.
-My mum trying to parent the kids, letting them do stuff I’d said no to, telling them off for stuff I wouldn’t tell them off for. There need to be very firm boundaries in place for when the baby arrives.
-My mum expecting to join me and my kids on every outing. Try to give them space where you can.
-Food. My mum thought she was being helpful by cooking every meal but honestly, it felt stifling. I know you say you’ve talked about food and cooking but just flagging.

Our relationship just about survived it but it was hard work. Good luck!

Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 08:53

jamontoast2 · 14/04/2024 04:30

I think I can help here. We have a 3 month old baby currently living a few doors up from my in-laws with my family living 2 hours away. My MIL has been great and I have a really good relationship with her. Heres what she did well:

always recognised me as the Mum and never tried to compete with my role
so supportive and encouraging, always telling me I’m doing a great job and that I’m a good Mum.
encourages me never to doubt my instincts and tells me I’ll know my baby best and I’m the expert on my own baby and no one else is
never critics my parenting choices and is aware that a lot of advice has changed since her day. She might make a gentle suggestion but if I say something like ‘oh I was told back to sleep at the hospital’ she will just immediately and pleasantly back down and say something like ‘oh wow, that’s so interesting how things change’
She’s supported me practically by helping with chores, cooking etc. But she’s also held the baby lots too.
She’s not perfect and will sometimes go to grab the baby when I just want a cuddle or I’ve just settled her but again if I/my partner just say to wait or explain we’ve just settled for example she generally gets it and leaves her be

I love what a close relationship we have with them and it has really worked really well, so despite the DIL/MIL assumptions it definitely can work out. We see them probably 5 days a week, so not quite living but still full on! I love her like a second Mum to me.

Good luck, I really hope it works out for you, it definitely can with the right attitudes.

This is really positive, thank you

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Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 08:54

urbanbuddha · 14/04/2024 04:39

I’m afraid I’d tell them to go down the council route as they’re being evicted and see what comes up.

The problem is you can’t go on the housing list unless you’ve been resident in the same borough for five years. It’s common to live in different boroughs when you’re renting.

exactly, they are not eligible

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MintyCedric · 14/04/2024 08:57

I’m assuming it’s just you in your house currently?

Having been to live with my parents for 18 months when my marriage broke down, and subsequently had my best mate (who is like family) living with me for six months, I’d make the following suggestions:

Is there enough space for them to have a separate area other than their bedroom to hang out? If not, is there facility for them to have TV in their room? Will you need a WiFi booster?

I think you should charge them a nominal amount of rent. You say you have no money…at a minimum you will no longer qualify for single person reduction on your Council Tax and your utility bills will increase, especially if your DIL is on May leave during the winter. Even if you stick it in an account and give all/most of it back to them when they leave, you should have a buffer.

Give some serious thought to kitchen arrangements…find out if your son and DIL like cooking from scratch. This was biggest cause of friction when I lived with my mum. I was allocated one cupboard, a shelf in the fridge and a drawer in the outside freezer and she was pedantic about enforcing that despite her and my dad living on ready meals whilst I always cook from scratch. It drove me absolutely nuts!

Deal with any issues calmly as and when they arise. There is nothing worse than working all week only for the weekend to be fucked over by bickering and arguments.

How is it going to work if you/they have friends round? I didn’t at all when living with my parents but we had an arrangement that DD’s (she was 11) best friend could come for tea/sleepovers every so often. When my friend lived with me she had not long started seeing someone and he was round a lot to the extent I had to lay down some ground rules which was a bit awkward.

What are they going to do with their stuff? Is there room for it at yours or will they need to pay for a storage facility? Be wary of the former…I still have my friend’s piano two years later 🙄.

I think what you’re doing is lovely and I would do the same in your shoes, but be under no illusions that it will be tough.

5128gap · 14/04/2024 08:57

I've done it, twice. DD and SiL, DS and DDiL. It was great both times. What made it work? Well apart from the younger adults being delightful people i loved having around...
Enough space so each couple had a private bathroom and a separate sitting room. Each couple taking responsibility for their own meals, purchase and cooking, and broadly agreed times for use of the kitchen. Ditto laundry. Assigned tasks for communal areas and shared facilities and people keeping to that. Agreement about what if any financial contribution the couple will make.
But above all, the ability to reframe your own role from 'mum' with all the rights and responsibilities you are used to accompanying that, to an adult sharing a house with other adults. If you can't move away from the idea of yourself as in charge and a 'my house my rules' approach and approach it as communal and equal living, I think you will struggle.

Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 08:57

Joystir59 · 14/04/2024 05:13

I would say you need to create two separate sitting rooms so you don't have to be together all the time.

I have a very large room myself, which is both my bedroom and my study - I am intending to rearrange it a little bit so I can use it as a sitting room too - actually, I already do a lot of the time, just going to make it a little bit more spacious and comfortable. Then they can have the downstairs mostly to themselves

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PersephonePomegranate23 · 14/04/2024 08:57

Why would they have to resign from their jobs? Most people who work in London don't live in London, they commute. Parts of Essex and Kent are fairly cheap.

WhatWouldYouDo33 · 14/04/2024 08:58

What do your other DC think?

Wishimaywishimight · 14/04/2024 08:59

I would also get the message across that while you are happy with one baby in the house there is no room for any more. I can envisage, in 2 or 3 years time, "we don't want a big gap" conversation as they announce another pregnancy thus making a mortgage even more unlikely, perhaps an enquiry as to your possible early retirement in order to save them childcare fees, "just one more year" will turn into "once the kids are in school", by which time they will start to view your house as their "inheritance" and "sure what's the point in moving now" will be the thinking process.

But then I do tend to catastrophise 😆

Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 08:59

JurassicFantastic · 14/04/2024 05:20

I've read the full thread and I think you've had some great tips - especially from @LightDrizzle - and some dire warnings. Please remember that while these situations can go horribly wrong they can also go really well as long as everyone is respectful and cam communicate (and listen) calmly and with empathy.

My additional tips would be:

you've said you don't want to charge rent but please do charge an amount that will cover the increase in bills. Sit down and work this out rather than guessing (especially as you say you have no money and this could be long term) and be cleat with them from the start that this amount may need to change if the bills go up more than you thought.

^be clear what your expectations are not just in terms of housework but also in terms of spending time together. People are different- some people would resent always having 2 extra adults in their lounge every evening, some people would resent sitting alone in the lounge watching TV while son and DIL sat in their bedroom watching the same TV show. Think about how their presence in communal rooms may impact on your current down-time. Do you like to sit and read in the lounge or watch certain TV shows? Do you like to cook for fun and spend hours in the kitchen? Do you have friends round regularly? Just have these discussions with them upfront.

I would ask them to give you a financial plan for the next 12 months. I'm not suggesting you should micromanage what they spend (please don't) but at the moment their finances sound very vague, especially given that there is likely to be a significant cut in your DIL's income and then massively increased costs in terms of childcare. I think you all need to be on the same page about how long this might last (even if realisitically that might be years) and there needs to be some sort of agreement about what their commitment to saving will be. Different people have different ideas about luxuries vs essentials and if you aren't on the same page then watching them have three takeaways a week, regular nights out, weekends away or expensive hobbies while you subsidise their living could be really grating and a source of arguments. For other people that would be fine. Have those discussions now before they actually move in. Getting them to write an actual financial plan should also make clear to them as well as you what the likelihood if of them being with you long-term. You say you are OK with this but if they aren't recognising this as being likely they may not really be thinking about how they would be happy to live on a long term basis. Again it's better to discuss this now than to have tension two years down the line because they had agreed to arrangements they could live with for a year but not longer term.

^ please please please don't go away when the baby is born unless this is for your own benefit. It's a sweet thing to offer but the reality is that you are part of the household - they need to adapt to having a baby in the household they actually live in,. Adapting once, then adapting again when you come home is just likely to be doubly difficult.

Do you have a partner? It sounds as if you don't but it would be worth talking to them about what happens if you do find a partner (if you don't have one).

*Think now about what you would do if the plan changes and they decide to apply for council accommodation. To do this you may well have throw them out. Would you be prepared to do this? I know you may say this isn't an option they would go fir but all it would take is one of them losing their job or them splitting up and this could become a very real option.

lots to think about here, thank you

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TheAlchemistElixa · 14/04/2024 09:00

DNLove · 14/04/2024 00:32

It will be more challenging because there are 2 women that are responsible for 1 man. A mother and daughter have an established relationship and a mother/ daughter relationship doesn't threaten your matriarch. You and your DIL may clash. Depends on how relaxed you both are. I've seen a daughter and family move on with her parents and have no problems. I've seen son move in with his wife and it wasn't good.

Perhaps it might help if the man was responsible for himself, instead?

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/04/2024 09:01

Please don't give them downstairs to themselves. You will be like a lodger in your own house. Why not give them your room and make it like a bed sitting room?

I hate to think of you sitting up in your bedroom all night when you are the one paying the bills.

I think it would lead to incredible resentment.

Gettingonmygoat · 14/04/2024 09:03

In your shoes i would pay a deposit in a new rental for them if you can afford too. Only other option is to move them in , give them a letter to take to the council and say they can't stay with you any longer and get them on the council waiting list.

Twofifty · 14/04/2024 09:04

If they are at the point of eviction (rather than been given notice) and she is only 7 weeks pregnant, she has got pregnant knowing they don't have secure housing. It doesn't sound like they are in a position to have a baby but seem to have planned it?

SchoolDramas · 14/04/2024 09:04

Depends entirely on your relationship. Moved back in with my parents with my young family including a baby while we were between houses, around 9 months and while some bits were hard some were amazing, my parents would do anything for us though however hard the baby (I) was at times and I'm so glad we had that time now given how hard the past few years have turned out. We moved about a twenty minute walk away and you'd think it was Australia given my mum's reaction, so can't have been too hard on everyone 😊 As I said we would all do anything for each other though, and that's the only way I know families to be

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 14/04/2024 09:04

I think it makes sense for you to charge them rent. This should cover any extra expenses ie the extra council tax and bills. Anything left over you can save for them.
I think being explicit about how food is bought/prepared is probably important too. As is clearing up after themselves.
Also if they want to have visitors to the house.

Beautiful3 · 14/04/2024 09:04

No advice, but wanted to say how lovely you are to help them.

Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 09:05

FiveShelties · 14/04/2024 05:34

Do they have a lot of debt, is that why they cannot get a mortgage?

No, it isn't debt, it is the cost of a qualification my DIL is doing. She has a masters in one stem subject, but actually is finding she needs a qualification in a different stem subject too, in order to advance in her career - renewable energy- you ideally need qualifications in both engineering and ecology, and she currently only holds a masters in one of those, so is working an achieving the other. She is on track for a first. But you have to pay upfront, as she already has a masters in a stem subject, and you can only get a loan for one.

I wasn't going to be specific, but I don't want people to think these are lazy or unambitious people, who are not doing everything they can to contribute to a secure and stable future for their family

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