Page 10 | to think this CAN work - son and pregnant daughter-in-law moving in

dirtyblond · 2024-04-13T23:07:06+00:00

so, what do you think? has this worked for you? Would you do it again? What mistakes should I avoid? What tips to make it successful. They are being evicted, and are planning on staying here around a year, while they get some savings together - both work full time.

lateatwork · 14/04/2024 09:06

I would do the same if I was in your position- but aside from the practicalities, I'd have to keep my feelings in check as I wouldn't want resentment creeping in.

I know I would be resentful if I had opened my house to them on the basis that they saved- and then they didn't do everything to save...eg buying a new pram, expensive baby clothes, holidays etc I would judge. I would feel like I was funding these and they shouldn't be a priority if they were saving.... I know that's wrong, and I wouldn't want to feel that way, but I know I would.

Ive had experience of 2 family members staying in my house for extended periods of time rent free- one I resented (and asked to move out) and the other who I would have been pleased to have stay long term. Thinking about it, both got exactly the same deal from me- but I felt that one was taking the piss (not working, expensive holidays, always around) and the other was the opposite.

Given my experience, if it was me, I'd be tempted to charge them rent plus utilities and put that in a savings account for them..

Craftier · 14/04/2024 09:07

DNLove · 14/04/2024 00:32

It will be more challenging because there are 2 women that are responsible for 1 man. A mother and daughter have an established relationship and a mother/ daughter relationship doesn't threaten your matriarch. You and your DIL may clash. Depends on how relaxed you both are. I've seen a daughter and family move on with her parents and have no problems. I've seen son move in with his wife and it wasn't good.

I feel like reading this, i just fell into a time slip to the 1950s! 2 women responsible for one man?!

JudgeJ · 14/04/2024 09:07

DreamTheMoors · 14/04/2024 04:47

@dirtyblond

This is different, because it wasn’t as long-term, but my parents-in-law came for 6 weeks after my baby was born.
They lived 3000 miles away.
And they were lovely. My MIL cooked & looked after the baby & gave me a chance to catch up.
My FIL puttered around the house & fixed things.
We played cards & chatted and they never made me feel crowded or uncomfortable.
My husband was in the Navy and was gone.
I always felt as though they were in the background, even though they were front and center. I’ve no idea how they managed that.
They’re both gone now and I honestly miss them more than I do my ex-husband.
My advice would be just to be there. You’ve already massively stepped up.
Maybe cook a meal, buy a treat - it’s the little things the kids will thank you for.
I hope they thank you for the shelter.
There’s a crown waiting for you in Heaven for that.

Most of these replies are about how OP adjusts to keep the other woman happy in OP's own house, how about how the girlfriend making efforts to fit into someone else's home?

Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 09:08

JurassicFantastic · 14/04/2024 05:21

Most people don't live in houses where this would be possible!

Show quote history

I think I can, because my own bedroom is very large, and already both a bedroom and study for me, it won't take much rejigging to get a comfortable TV chair in too, and be able to watch TV through my lap top, or read.

OP posts:

Craftier · 14/04/2024 09:08

DNLove · 14/04/2024 00:48

It sounds ridiculous but it's where they will clash. His mammy says he likes his eggs this way and his partner cooks them the other day. Not so much responsible but competing to be the matriarch under one roof.

Show quote history

He can cook his own bloody eggs!

Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 09:10

Likewhatever · 14/04/2024 06:04

Sorry OP but you need to plan for this to be years. If all they could previously afford is a bedsit and now they’re introducing a baby into the mix, they won’t be leaving the comfort of your home any time soon.

yes, I think this might be longer term, which is why I am keen for advice and experiences on how to make this work out smoothly

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 14/04/2024 09:10

JudgeJ · 14/04/2024 09:07

Most of these replies are about how OP adjusts to keep the other woman happy in OP's own house, how about how the girlfriend making efforts to fit into someone else's home?

Show quote history

Why do you think only the girlfriend should make an effort?

SoupDragon · 14/04/2024 09:11

What tips to make it successful

clear House Rules and expectations I think.

ChampagneLassie · 14/04/2024 09:12

I think it’s great you’re offering to do this and sensible to think things through but I’d go into it positively rather than thinking as negatively as many of the posters. Families should be about helping one another. In other cultures this is so common. It’s inevitable there will be issues living together but approach them reasonably and with the expectation that it’ll work out. I’ve shared with many people and one thing that always strikes me is how people are often bothered by things but don’t voice them until they’re really upset and to them it was obvious and I should have known (eg always turning heating down and thinking I was proliferate with it, by contrast I was cold and irritated that I kept having to turn it up, I did say and offered to pay while heating bill, or another woman I shared with exploded at me that I made too much noise clomping around like an elephant 🐘, I really had no idea I was bothering her). So don’t fester, encourage open communication. What a joy to experience your grandchild. And if I could have had a mother/MIL on hand I’d have definitely wanted them there the first few weeks, that’s the hardest bit!

Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 09:14

Shefliesonherownwings · 14/04/2024 07:00

OP DH and I moved in with my in laws (his parents) a few years ago to save money for a house deposit and it worked out great, it was a very positive experience.

I can’t see if you have mentioned this, but what is your current relationship like with your son and DIL now? I always got on great with my in laws and DH is very close to them so I wasn’t concerned when we moved in.

I very much respected and appreciated the favour they were doing us so I made sure to pull my weight with cleaning and cooking etc… It helped that DHs parents both worked out of the house as did we so we weren’t in each others faces all the time. They were very laidback and easy going which was great. They didn’t expect us back for dinner or anything like that and it also helped that we had similar interests so we’d happily watch the same tv programmes or chat about music/history whatever.

I agree about having set boundaries re housework, cooking, food shopping, keeping quiet at certain hours and so on. But I think if you are already in a good place with them and they are respectful and appreciative and don’t take the piss, it can work out fine. We stayed for 18 months and then bought a house 5 minutes walk away lol.

Thank you - yes, I currently have a good relationship with them

OP posts:

graceinspace999 · 14/04/2024 09:15

slipperypenguin · 14/04/2024 00:31

Don't be over bearing

Yes, in addition to providing a free home and childminding don’t forget to work on developing your agreeableness and eliminating any flaws in case you dare offend your guests.

If not you may find yourself being pilloried on these pages.

Kinshipug · 14/04/2024 09:15

You sound like a wonderful mother. They are lucky to have such support. But I would anticipate it being more like 18m-2years at least if they intend to buy. If the 3 of you are pleasant, sensible people, as it sounds you are, all will be well. This is what family is all about.

Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 09:16

Direstraightsagain · 14/04/2024 07:11

We lived with my mum and dad while the house was being done. About 3 months. My mum is lovely and loves having us around. We were grateful but so relieved to move out. As it felt like we were kids. The reasons are so entitled but they felt real! We really didn’t want to see them once we moved out as needed space

My mum cooked for us every day (lovely) but what that meant was while we were working and communiting, kids clubs etc we were often - ‘late for dinner’ and sort of got told off… We didn’t necessarily want dinner but as we were staying there that was the thought. We tried to say we’ll just grab something but that never landed.
My husband found the lack of personal communal space difficult
My mum also wanted to know where we were, so there was also a need to go round and tell everyone where he was going/ when coming back - he found that quite claustrophobic
we felt judged on parenting by them saying what they did
it wasn’t clear what we were paying for eg food/electric etc. my mum (lovely) kept getting these big shops in and then didn’t let us pay, the shops had quite heavy traditional food in , but there was so much food in the house we had to eat it - so we weren’t in control of what we ate. Again really kind but we had no freedom to choose what we ate.
the washing machine was always full. My husband is so bad a leaving washing in the machine I felt guilty for my mum and dad
standards of tidiness. Our kids were young and messy so I felt guilty about everything even stuff I’d tolerate at home. So I spent time following them around tidying - whereas at home it would be once a day etc

ok, lots here to think about.

OP posts:

RosesAndHellebores · 14/04/2024 09:16

How old are they and how long have they been together? What are/will her parents do to support? There are two sides to this equation.

They are early career, not earning much, were in a bedsit but have been given notice, not married and she is 7 weeks pregnant.

To be entirely honest op, they don't sound hugely responsible and it would concern me that the relationship will end in tears or they will be far more dependent than you can possibly imagine.

I wouldn’t be happy at all about the situation and wouldn’t facilitate it. They have got themselves into a terrific mess and they need to see what they can do personally to get themselves out of it.

You are being incredibly kind and understanding but I can't see any evidence that they are independent enough to bring a child into the world, they certainly haven't been sensible enough not to.

It sounds hard, but I think you neednto let the landlord evict them and it needs to go right up to the bailiffs calling and removing them. At that point they become unintentionally homeless and the local authority is obliged to step in. They will be higher up the lost due to the pregnancy. Yes they may spend some time in B&B but they will have a roof over their heads. I honestly wouldn't make that roof yours.

SchoolDramas · 14/04/2024 09:17

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 00:31

7 weeks - so still quite early. Yes, I think I can cope - I think I will go and stay somewhere else for 2 or 3 weeks when the baby is here, to give them a chance to establish themselves as a family

Show quote history

You sound amazing, I know it's really hard but try not to tell them how to do things, or at least read up on current best practice. I found this hard with my mum and mil (e.g. wanting me to wean at 4 months, and not wake new baby for feeds) - but I do also get that they also just wanted what was best for me and baby, and how hard they found it to suggest things given my mood swings 🙈 It's a fine balancing act!

Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 09:17

separate eating arrangements I think, from what people are saying - and I wonder if there is any sort of family calendar app we could use where we can each let others know what are plans are for the week, ie, going away, or inviting guests for dinner, etc, so it can be done online rather than by chasing and asking?

OP posts:

Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 09:20

ThisHeartySloth · 14/04/2024 07:14

One thing to consider, after the baby is born, they could have a lot of visitors. You've not mentioned your daughter in law's family. Do you get on well with them? They could be around at your house quite a bit, and you might feel you have to be the host when this happens. You might enjoy it, but it could be quite a lot to do! Maybe plan a way for those situations, so everyone is happy and knows where they stand.

She doesn't have family, no siblings, father is deceased, mother has advanced early onset Alzheimer's, and is in a hospital she can't come out of, DIL visits her sometimes, but is never recognised any more.

She does have friends, and of course, she can invite her friends around

OP posts:

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 14/04/2024 09:20

You could take the approach on how much is their house likely to cost them?

When are the going to both be in a position to get a mortgage and have sufficient savings because with maternity leave, college, etc, this could take a lot of time.

Have they a budget and a plan? Otherwise, this may end up being more than short term.

FiveShelties · 14/04/2024 09:21

I wasn't going to be specific, but I don't want people to think these are lazy or unambitious people, who are not doing everything they can to contribute to a secure and stable future for their family

I am sure they want the best for their family, but have they actually asked to live with you or us it just something you are thinking of suggesting?

I moved back to my parents after I left my first husband and it was very strange. I was used to my own space and it was quite a shock to be back in my old bedroom. I have no idea how that would feel being in my in-laws home. I only stayed with my parents for 4 months before buying another house and that was definitely long enough.

I wish you well and hope it does work for all of you.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 14/04/2024 09:22

Do not move out of your own home when the baby is born! Your return will be a huge disruption to whatever they put in place to care for their newborn and even if they are the loveliest people on earth they will resent it. If they are going to live in your home then they need to accept your presence and you all need to adjust to each other. Otherwise they need to get their own home. Another bedsit or whatever they can afford.

And I would charge rent. Save it for their deposit and give it back to them as a gift when they buy a house if you like.

LondonStreets · 14/04/2024 09:22

Some of the responses here just drive home how ridiculous housing in London is. Easy to say just move but if it's your life long home it's a big deal to leave all your connections. On my street there are a surprising number of multi generational families. Tends to be that the (grand)parent has lived there since the area was ordinary (long gentrified now) and adult kids move back when they start their own family. Long term arrangements, too. I'm convinced it can definitely work and be enriching for all.

The mil/dil relationships I know that are tricky tend to be where the mil treats the dil like a child and doesn't respect her boundaries or accept that she might, as a grown woman, have different values and different ideas on how to do things.

I'd encourage you to try and imagine and treat dil like you would a friend in the same situation. As your equal, not your child. Be frank and involve her in "how are we going to manage this so we don't fall out" discussions. I think, from what you've posted, you'll manage this well!

Nevermindtheteacaps · 14/04/2024 09:22

DNLove · 14/04/2024 00:32

It will be more challenging because there are 2 women that are responsible for 1 man. A mother and daughter have an established relationship and a mother/ daughter relationship doesn't threaten your matriarch. You and your DIL may clash. Depends on how relaxed you both are. I've seen a daughter and family move on with her parents and have no problems. I've seen son move in with his wife and it wasn't good.

2 women responsible for 1 man? Are you insane?

The grown adult man is responsible for himself.

Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 09:25

LondonFox · 14/04/2024 07:43

Don't offer any advice on pregnancy and baby. Every woman likes to do her own thing. Unless she explicitly asks for advice.

Once baby arrives don't try to take it away from mum. Ask if she wants you to hold her. I really apreciated people doing practical things, but everyones idea of help is "I'll hold a baby". In most cases that is really not what mum wants unless she asks.

Your son is adult. You can start treating hime more lile friend than a child. That also means you don't have to unconditionally love all shit he does. Tell him you love him but xyz is irritating.

Don't center your life around them. Do your thing, you will all need some time appart.

Ask about solid financial structure and check monthly if they are on track. Explain to them that long term plan is very important for you before they move in.

Be very specific about guest rules once child arrives before it arrives.

Offer small (not baby related) delights. Cook their favourite meal, buy them drink they like etc.

Don't vorry about them staying forever. No DIL wants that.

Don't side with your DS if he fights with DIL. Stay out of it. If he is unreasonable, tell him that in private. If she is let it be as he picked her (unless there is obvious abuse going on).

Try to relate to DIL as a woman. Talk about ridicilous maternity pay, abnormal childcare cost or fashion or any other interest she got.

Tell DIL you understand it isn't easy for her.

Remember it is your house but respect guests.

You sound quite reasonable, I'm sure it will work out.

Show quote history

Thank you - lots to keep in mind here x

OP posts:

Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 09:26

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/04/2024 07:44

I wondered about debt as well. Is that what's going to be paid off in the next few months?

I just can't see how two people with no other financial commitments can't afford to rent somewhere on their own.

How are you going to split bills?

Do you work from home or do either of them? it will be very difficult for you to work from home if there's a baby around and if there's another adult hanging around the house all the time.

What about cleaning? What is their current home like in terms of cleanliness and tidiness?

They are cleaner and tidier than I am.... and yes, we all work outside of the home

OP posts:

Original poster

dirtyblond · 14/04/2024 09:29

Lillers · 14/04/2024 07:52

My sister and her now husband moved in with my mum when she was pregnant. Ups and downs. These were the main clash points:

Sister lost the baby - mum found it very hard to regulate her own emotions about this and sister found that made it even harder to process her feelings. They got pregnant again relatively quickly and so the rest of this focuses on that experience. Lesson: consider how you would all cope with a worst-case scenario.
Mum was charging them a minimal rent to cover the increase in bills, but she found it very hard not to comment when she thought they were spending money on “frivolous” things instead of saving every penny to get their own place - literally every Amazon box that came through the door, she would quiz them over what it was, how much it cost etc. Absolutely she was right to be wary (my sister has always been poor at managing money) but the tension of this was a real clash point. Lesson: clear communication about money from the get go, and about how to handle conflict on this subject if it arises.
Mum hated that sister always drank her wine without replacing it. Lesson: label the wine!
Sister hated that mum was always there and never went out - I had to step in a couple of times to remind her that it was mum’s house. Lesson: do whatever you want, it’s your house, and maybe have another child on standby that can back you if they’re unreasonable about you being in your own house.

Amongst the background of all of this, mum and my BIL got on brilliantly 😂.

When the baby arrived, it was like the reset they all needed - suddenly everyone kind of knew their place and while the other issues didn’t go away, they did become less important. Mum focused on cooking, sister & BIL focused on the baby and everyone pitched in with cleaning. Sister couldn’t afford to spaff her money on crap anymore and mum didn’t mind parcels coming through the door because they were for the baby.

After about 2 years, they were able to move out. They could only afford a small flat, but they went for it and were happy enough there for a while, but it was difficult living somewhere small with a baby. After this, for various reasons mum ended up looking at being in financial difficulty. They decided that they could pool all their resources and get a decent sized place if they bought somewhere together. So now they own and live in a house all together that is part owned by mum & my BIL (sister can’t get her name on a mortgage - I said she was terrible with money). They’ve bought somewhere that allows them all to have their own space, and mum is secure, and she is loving living with her grandchildren.

As for me, the daughter who hasn’t benefited at all from any of this: I couldn’t give two hoots. At no point have I said to my husband, “God I wish we could have gone and lived with Mum for a while.” The only thing I did stick my fork in about was what happens if mum dies - I don’t want them assuming that because they own the property jointly, that I therefore get no inheritance. So in mum’s will I get 50% of the value of her share (so 25% of the equity less any debts), which they can pay me either in a lump sum or instalment, but I won’t claim any ownership on the property itself (so effectively I cash out and full ownership goes to BIL). I doubt we’ll be talking big money here anyway tbh, so I reckon we’ll be able to settle with a couple of grand and some vouchers for them to babysit our kids every now and then 😂.

Thank you, very helpful

OP posts: