to think this CAN work - son and pregnant daughter-in-law moving in

[dirtyblond]

so, what do you think? has this worked for you? Would you do it again? What mistakes should I avoid? What tips to make it successful. They are being evicted, and are planning on staying here around a year, while they get some savings together - both work full time.

You are very kind, Op. You can only try it and resolve within yourself to stick it out for one year. Then decide whether you will continue for another half year.

Have a fortnightly, planned, structured meeting around the kitchen table. Discuss cooking, cleaning, anything that is hard for any one of you to cope with, upcoming bills etc.. A planned meeting negates the need to feel powerless when small things are irritating. You can count on bringing it up at the meeting.

You should factor in a common goal of being close in two years time.

I hope it is easy, fun and a great experience.

We're living with my grandmother (elderly but does not act her age!) as we're self-building down the road and she's been our saving grace. Baby is due in a couple of weeks. Were hoping to move in to a half-finished house but due date has been brought forward and our build moved backwards ..disappointed to not have our own space but there's only so far we could push it with factors out of our control. We're putting absolutely everything we own into the build (we will move in mortgage free less a smallish bank loan) - to rent somewhere would set us back hugely at these final stages especially with looming maternity.

We're comfortable accepting this offer of accommodation for a number of reasons. Her house is large and it's just her, meaning we have our own bathroom and sitting room which she never made use of before we arrived so no perceivable loss to her. We store all of our food in a separate fridge in the garage. She lives on an entirely different timezone to us (up at 5.30 (!), bed by 8) with very rigid mealtimes we can easily work around and avoid entirely. I'm comforted by the fact we provide her with company as she's recently widowed and make sure there's always extra of whatever we make for dinner should she not fancy cooking and want some the next day. We respect her house and always make ourselves available should there be things that need fixing, picking up from the shops, she needs help with tech etc. We try and take her out somewhere she wouldn't go alone/with friends at least once a fortnight. Re the baby, can't comment yet, but we're really hoping she is as deaf as she claims she is without her hearing aids in! She claims she will miss us very much when we are gone, the feeling is mutual and I feel so grateful that we have shared/will share these happy (and sad) life moments together as adults.

I think what you're offering is extremely kind and will no doubt help them hugely at this stage of life. I'd worry about the lack of communal space though (particularly the kitchen) and the overlap of three people living lives on similar timeframes and agendas even before a baby is in the mix - our arrangement would simply not work if we were only one generation apart as I've tried to demonstrate above. My parents have been to stay occasionally to assist with funeral planning as they live far away and it descended into chaos very quickly!

Open and honest communication
ground rules you are all happy with
dont feel like a visitor in your own home and neither are they-so need to do housework, own laundry etc
hiw are you going to deal with issues and conflict

Personally I wouldn't as over time it could sour your relationship with them.
You absolutely shouldn't think about moving out to give them more space when the baby is born as they will probably resent it when you return and not to be unkind but your house doesn't sound large enough to make it work. Babies need a lot of equipment and what about all their stuff?
Also, where will you go when their friends want to come round after the baby is born?
Its your home and it's a big deal having them to stay for a long period of time which could slip into longer than a year.
Just don't do it and try to help them find a way to get a place of their own now.

I'm sure you can make this work between you.
But depending on how relaxed you all are with each other, it could be draining.
If you constantly feel like you have to play the 'host' role, and them the perpetual guests.
Somedays you want to just get up, go get yourself a coffee without all the "good morning, did you sleep alright? Can I get you back drink?"
And not worry that any of you just being a bit quiet and looking after yourself for a bit will lead to the other thinking they are being ignored or have done something wrong.

How active/social are you all at weekends?
Will you get a bit of a break from each other then?

Do they have friends or siblings they can maybe stay with once a month or so?

Food and meals i think you can figure out a bit as you go, but might be worth having a rota for who cooks on some nights of the week.
You said they will mostly cook for themselves, but that's not going to work if you both want the kitchen at the same time. One of you will likely end up feeling rushed and/or stressed. The other hungry and inpatient.

And I'd try set days/alternate days for the washing machine too.

My only suggestion is have a comfortable space that is just for you. If you have a conservatory ( cold in winter though) or dining room maybe there or if your bedroom is large enough have a small sofa or chair and a tv.
Or if you have separate living and dining rooms give ds and gf the smaller room as theirs.

Oh, and would you need to update your house insurance or anything?

My brother and SIL lived with Mum and Dad for three years, it was a happy time all round.

They are all domestically civilised, mutually kind and generous. My brother did helpful DIY jobs, I think.

All the threads on here from DILs and DDS who are unhappy living with parents seem to be about critical comments, too much unasked for advice, interfering, being over bearing, taking the baby off the mother etc.

I think you will resolve the practical issues, as you are aware and kind (by asking on this thread ) but I would definitely charge them rent. Your bills may massively increase and you may need to use some of this for that or you could be putting yourself in financial trouble. If there is anything remaining, you can save it for them.
I could see that finances could be a sticking point. If they don't seem to be saving up, or not as you would. By having a chunk given to you keeps them at a realistic level when they start paying rent again or mortgage. If they say they are skint then they kind of should be to save up.

That's such a thoughtful thing to do. It really is. You shouldn't have to leave your home but the fact that you even thought of this really makes me hate my mil even more. 🤣 if it was my mil she would have asked me to leave so she can establish herself with the baby😒😒

Sounds like it'll be hard work once the baby is born, with a newborn and presumably a toddler in the house for you and your DIL to run around after.

I lived with just my MIL for a big chunk of my pregnancy due to circumstances. I look back on that time very fondly, we had a brilliant time together. If you get on well with them and set the boundaries and expectations I think it can work beautifully.

mother and daughter have an established relationship and a mother/ daughter relationship doesn't threaten your matriarch. You and your DIL may clash.

Sweeping generalisation.

I don't have an established relationship with my DM. I have fantastic relationships with my mil and with my DiL’s.

Both my brother and I and our partners have moved back to our parents for a few months when we’ve had property purchases fall through. There’s been 0 issues - we muddle along nicely and our parents have quite liked us being there. We have always tried to treat them though (gifting them a nice dinner etc ) and contribute to the house as adults rather than guests.

If they're both working full time then they can afford to rent (especially if they move out of London). Also if they don't have enough money to rent then how will they be able to save for a deposit to buy a house (in London!!) in just a year?

TV in their room where they can disappear to in the evenings.

I think you're being very generous but are hugely underestimating the amount of time they'll end up staying.

You may be happy sharing your home with two adults but are you really happy to share with two adults and toddler or even a primary aged child?

I hope they, especially she, are pondering what mistakes they should avoid too, it's your house and they need to remember that!

Oh I loved it! I moved in with my ex MIL when I was pregnant. DH also moved in my mums aswell. We had the best couple of months until we got a house.

We did similar. We moved in with mil & bil when we moved country, then I got pregnant. Stayed with her until house was built.

Issues were mil has been a single mum of 5 so just does everything her way without even thinking there might be a different way. She was very set in her ways (as way I but I hadn't realised).

I had planned to ( and did) breastfeed; she had assumed I would bottle as she had. So there were lots of comments. It wasn't her not being supportive, just her being so used to her way in everything. I had to learn that - not to take everything as a criticism, just genuinely questioning an alternative way of doing things. She had never had support so her way of delivering it could be seen as overbearing.

But once we got over the few bumps it was great.

We built across the road and the kids are obsessed with granny. And she has been a rock. She wouldn't be a friend I would have picked myself, but we have a great relationship.

I think it's great you can help in this way, and I wish you all well. It can work amazingly, so I hope it does.

Spot on, but a very unMN response! All MILs are evil, especially 'her ' MIL.

Have you spoken to your other adult children about this? I will be honest, I would struggle watching a sibling leech of my mother who had no money. Which is what they would be doing if paying you no rent and likely staying for more than a year.

Things like this cause rifts in families. Is it worth it?

Very difficult for you all to find peace and privacy. How will the living room work. Are you a no TV person and they like to watch lots of netflix. Where will you all eat. Will you eat together .Will you end up cooking for everyone. What time do they eat. Do you/ they like/ hate take aways. Are you tidy. Are they.How will the bathroom work. Who needs to get out by what time. Do you have a tumble dryer. Do you limit how much you use it. Will you cope if it's on a lot. So any small domestic things to work out that will be the difference between okay and hell on earth.

I also think you should charge them some rent especially as you say you don’t have any money. Assuming you live alone there’s the increase in council tax, and the inevitable increase in utilities even if you just ask them to pay for these I think your less likely to resent them every time they turn the washing machine on for the 3rd time that day or someone spends 15 mins in the shower. 😳
I am assuming (maybe incorrectly) you live alone, I also live alone and I think it’s easy to not notice things about ourselves for example before living alone I would never have described myself as a neat freak because I lived with someone who definitely wasn’t but now when people come to stay I begin to wonder if I’m more of a neat freak than I think I am! So for example I like to keep coats in the entrance hall, out door shoes not being worn ditto but not chucked around lined up, when my son comes to stay he does none of this, this sort of thing could be annoying (for both of you) especially if they are going to be with you a long time but for the sake of your future relationship I think you need to try and let the small things go.
With regards to food/cooking are you always planning on eating separately? You say you don’t have a big house that could be awkward especially if you work similiar hours and both want to eat at the same time. You could suggest that you have a rota for eating together or not and who’s cooking/buying the food. Also maybe agree on the things you might share in the kitchen e.g. olive oil washing powder dish washer tablets etc perhaps alternate who buys it as it runs out.
Agree who’s cleaning what and stick to it. I can imagine that it’s easy to want to help, if they’ve agreed to do the hoovering twice a week don’t think “oh I’ll do it this week”. Obviously when the babies born you might want to help more for a short period of time.
I wonder if you need to agree now an end date or even a date for you all sit down and review the situation, this may 1. encourage them to save knowing that they have until a certain date to get together as much money as possible and 2. you’ll all know that however good or bad it is there is an end in sight!
Finally my DS and I are very close but I haven’t got the faintest idea how he likes his eggs!

It could be a very beautiful chapter in all your lives, and you might treasure the memories xx