to think this CAN work - son and pregnant daughter-in-law moving in

[dirtyblond]

so, what do you think? has this worked for you? Would you do it again? What mistakes should I avoid? What tips to make it successful. They are being evicted, and are planning on staying here around a year, while they get some savings together - both work full time.

I know someone who did this ,but with their own mother but never moved out 3 kids later , still there . They've completely taken over the house . What started as a way to save for their own home and separate sitting rooms soon turned into oh we may as well stay and we need that sitting room for another bedroom. Firm time frame and boundaries will be needed

I’m going to say it.

they really need to rethink having a baby whilst homeless.

especially as you say they have big expenses that end in 6months so they have what, 1-3 months big expense free then she won’t be working much, if at all due to maternity leave, for a 9-12 months because maternity leave and babies are a BIG expense.

oh and if they want to buy having a dependant is really going to change how much they’re able to borrow. What they can afford now according to the bank is going to be much less when they have a child to care for.

I don’t believe they nor you have really thought through the full financial implications

Not in a million years would I deliberately let my son, partner and newborn end up in a b and b if I had room for them. What a horrible start for such an exciting time.

OP you say you dont have money but you do realise all your bills will increase with another family moving in?
If your son and his wife can't afford a mortgage now, what makes you think they can afford this in a years time? 1 year is not a long time.
Realistically how much money do you think they will save? They will have to spend money on their new baby, food shopping and other expenses.
Its going to take a lot longer than 1 year for them to be ready to buy a property.

We stayed with my parents for a year, all four of us. Saving for a house deposit after moving.
It worked out fine, but we respected boundaries and behaved in a civilised manner. We discussed problems and issues that arise without drama.

Firm boundaries and expectations.

Starting with whose house it is. Be clear and honest with yourself. Do you want to keep the house or give it over to them? If it's yours, you are in charge. It's ridiculous to not charge rent, it's misguided generosity that will cause so many problems. Save it for them if you must, but you'll find living costs go up with them there.
They will also become accustomed to no obligation rent, no bills, no sense of responsibility for electrics, gas, water use. Incentive to move lessens. Siblings become jealous because you are financially subsidising son, DiL and baby over them. That can cause wider family fall outs. Will your friends and family be able to visit as often. Think it through, it's a big deal.

Don't start by being too accommodating or a doormat. Start with high expectations and boundaries and you can soften them if the family are proving good tenants.

Work towards an end date.

@dirtyblond it may be hard, in fact it will be hard. But they're family and you're already asking ways to make it work which shows your commitment. Try not to worry too much, it sounds like they are lovely people, if you're all determined to make it work then it will.

We did it for a year with son DiL and two GDs.
They were saving for a deposit for a mortgage so I did not charge rent our aim as their parents and PIL was to provide a rent free zone to get them on the housing ladder.
My other two daughters did not care one jot that their sibling was 'getting more than them' and quite frankly if they did I would question their empathy.

Establish boundaries, ask son and DiL how they want it to work and always reach a compromise where possible.

It was not easy at times.
Four tired adults in the same house can lead to friction and passive aggression. Try to be self aware. Recognise if you feel yourself becoming tetchy for whatever reason, then don't ignore that feeling or worse still act on it. As long as you all communicate effectively with each other it will work.
It wont be easy but it is doable.

There are stresses that you haven't even thought of yet but as long as you aim to meet these with neutral emotive state and not led by your emotions it is more do able.
They are very lucky that you are giving them this opportunity I hope they appreciate that.

Don't offer any advice on pregnancy and baby. Every woman likes to do her own thing. Unless she explicitly asks for advice.

Once baby arrives don't try to take it away from mum. Ask if she wants you to hold her. I really apreciated people doing practical things, but everyones idea of help is "I'll hold a baby". In most cases that is really not what mum wants unless she asks.

Your son is adult. You can start treating hime more lile friend than a child. That also means you don't have to unconditionally love all shit he does. Tell him you love him but xyz is irritating.

Don't center your life around them. Do your thing, you will all need some time appart.

Ask about solid financial structure and check monthly if they are on track. Explain to them that long term plan is very important for you before they move in.

Be very specific about guest rules once child arrives before it arrives.

Offer small (not baby related) delights. Cook their favourite meal, buy them drink they like etc.

Don't vorry about them staying forever. No DIL wants that.

Don't side with your DS if he fights with DIL. Stay out of it. If he is unreasonable, tell him that in private. If she is let it be as he picked her (unless there is obvious abuse going on).

Try to relate to DIL as a woman. Talk about ridicilous maternity pay, abnormal childcare cost or fashion or any other interest she got.

Tell DIL you understand it isn't easy for her.

Remember it is your house but respect guests.

You sound quite reasonable, I'm sure it will work out.

I wondered about debt as well. Is that what's going to be paid off in the next few months?

I just can't see how two people with no other financial commitments can't afford to rent somewhere on their own.

How are you going to split bills?

Do you work from home or do either of them? it will be very difficult for you to work from home if there's a baby around and if there's another adult hanging around the house all the time.

What about cleaning? What is their current home like in terms of cleanliness and tidiness?

Someone upthread said about discussing their financial plan I agree this is a good idea. It may seem like an intrusion, but to use a cliche, a dream without a plan is a hope. The pp made a point, how you would you feel if they had lots of takeaways, nights out, new clothes etc. if they ‘ve never budgeted before, now is the time to teach them.

I’m a little curious how they think they’ll have enough to move out after a year.

I don’t know where in the country you are, but if they can’t afford the rent on a one bed flat now whilst working full time, they are unlikely to save enough for a deposit in a year to get a mortgage with childcare costs thrown in as well.

Im about to go on maternity leave, all I’ll get is SMP and we can only pay our mortgage on this because of savings.

I would take rent from them and put it in savings for their deposit, they may not do that otherwise, plus money for increased utility bills and the extra council tax if you currently have single persons discount.

I think I'd be concerned when baby arrives that as you are on site, you become the de facto unpaid nanny. Your idea of moving out for a few weeks not only gives them space, but allows them to get used to parenting by themselves.

I'd also say you want to review the situation with them every quarter, so that it doesn't become a forever arrangement by stealth. Maybe have an agreement that once the savings you have collected on their behalf reaches a certain amount, they look for a property.

They are living with you to save up to buy in London? Good luck OP get a caravan/static caravan and put it in your garden, one of you will need to escape to it

If they can't afford to rent now, no way are they going to get enough deposit for a mortgage and afford one when maternity comes and then childcare costs!

7 weeks into my first pregnancy my mind was reeling and I had all kinds of unrealistic ideas that I hated the idea of as I got further on and realised more of what I was actually getting into.

It doesn't feel real at that stage, all very theoretical.

The onus of making this work is not all on you though it is admirable that you are trying to anticipate what the problems may be.
There is no mention of your DIL 's family and what support they can give. Is your son's father still on the scene?
It would be great for you to know that your son and his wife were going away for the weekend every month or so and you could just chill at home in your knickers eating pizza if you wanted!
Someone mentioned you retiring to your bedroom to watch tv in the evenings and relinquishing your living room. I suggest the opposite! You being sidelined would be a bad precedent.There is a third bedroom which may be useful as their living room.
I have read a lot of posts before where good intentions to save money for a deposit evaporated and relatives - however lovely- squandered the opportunity to save because their lives were very comfortable. A little bit of discomfort here and there might help your son and his wife to keep their focus.
So, to sum up, anticipate the worst-case scenario and hope for the best. Good luck!

My sister and her now husband moved in with my mum when she was pregnant. Ups and downs. These were the main clash points:

• Sister lost the baby - mum found it very hard to regulate her own emotions about this and sister found that made it even harder to process her feelings. They got pregnant again relatively quickly and so the rest of this focuses on that experience. Lesson: consider how you would all cope with a worst-case scenario.
• Mum was charging them a minimal rent to cover the increase in bills, but she found it very hard not to comment when she thought they were spending money on “frivolous” things instead of saving every penny to get their own place - literally every Amazon box that came through the door, she would quiz them over what it was, how much it cost etc. Absolutely she was right to be wary (my sister has always been poor at managing money) but the tension of this was a real clash point. Lesson: clear communication about money from the get go, and about how to handle conflict on this subject if it arises.
• Mum hated that sister always drank her wine without replacing it. Lesson: label the wine!
• Sister hated that mum was always there and never went out - I had to step in a couple of times to remind her that it was mum’s house. Lesson: do whatever you want, it’s your house, and maybe have another child on standby that can back you if they’re unreasonable about you being in your own house.

Amongst the background of all of this, mum and my BIL got on brilliantly 😂.

When the baby arrived, it was like the reset they all needed - suddenly everyone kind of knew their place and while the other issues didn’t go away, they did become less important. Mum focused on cooking, sister & BIL focused on the baby and everyone pitched in with cleaning. Sister couldn’t afford to spaff her money on crap anymore and mum didn’t mind parcels coming through the door because they were for the baby.

After about 2 years, they were able to move out. They could only afford a small flat, but they went for it and were happy enough there for a while, but it was difficult living somewhere small with a baby. After this, for various reasons mum ended up looking at being in financial difficulty. They decided that they could pool all their resources and get a decent sized place if they bought somewhere together. So now they own and live in a house all together that is part owned by mum & my BIL (sister can’t get her name on a mortgage - I said she was terrible with money). They’ve bought somewhere that allows them all to have their own space, and mum is secure, and she is loving living with her grandchildren.

As for me, the daughter who hasn’t benefited at all from any of this: I couldn’t give two hoots. At no point have I said to my husband, “God I wish we could have gone and lived with Mum for a while.” The only thing I did stick my fork in about was what happens if mum dies - I don’t want them assuming that because they own the property jointly, that I therefore get no inheritance. So in mum’s will I get 50% of the value of her share (so 25% of the equity less any debts), which they can pay me either in a lump sum or instalment, but I won’t claim any ownership on the property itself (so effectively I cash out and full ownership goes to BIL). I doubt we’ll be talking big money here anyway tbh, so I reckon we’ll be able to settle with a couple of grand and some vouchers for them to babysit our kids every now and then 😂.

^^ This.

Have they looked into childcare in London? If they can’t afford to rent now they definitely won’t be able to once they are paying nursery fees.

Before I saw your post I thought it would much depend on the size of the house. It will be really difficult in a small house. And I agree with the poster who says how do you tell them to leave with a small baby. I don't think it's a very practical idea Tbh

Hmm I think without imposing too rigid a schedule which would then be too hard to live up to, it could be helpful to consider a few ideas on how to make living together nicer. Suggestions would include maybe things like : 1. Son/DIL might cook once a week for all of you on a regular night 2. Once or twice a week is quiet night when people retire early/ only do quiet activities cos you might need peace 3. Son/DiL have daily household jobs eg empty dishwasher, clean bathroom and weekly jobs eg change bedding and clean and hoover own room plus clean and hoover another part of house 4. Once a month on specific day family session where all work together on any deep cleans or household/garden task or administration eg comparing gas prices etc , optional to follow with treat eg fish and chips/cake together.
Exact arrangements would be adapted to suit what is needed and to play to each others strengths and preferences but the idea is to contribute and work together as a team.

Op the very fact u you are asking shows it's got a chance.
Absolute no unsolicited advice, you can talk about your own experiences but make it very clear that's you.

Just ask them, if you want to buy something ask.
Don't advice and ask.

Going away is a good idea but ask maybe leave some meals in the freezer and so on.

The problem comes from entitlement and arrogance.

@Lillers what an interesting story about your family’s experiences! Thanks for sharing. Glad things have worked out.

It can work, but people often focus on the big things when planning these arrangements and in my experience it’s the little niggly things that are more likely to make things go wrong.

Generally people can chat through the big stuff, but it feels too petty to complain about the ketchup being put in the fridge when you keep it in the cupboard, but it gets very annoying very quickly!

You say you have 3 bedrooms - is your 3rd bedroom used often for people staying or could it be used as living space for them?

You need to think of things like guests - when they have a new baby her family are naturally going to want to visit. How do you feel about coming home from work to people in your house? Same with them - are they going to get niggly if you want to have friends round for dinner when they’ve got a baby around?

Lots of couples argue or bicker when they have a new baby, the tiredness can get us all, so are you good at biting your tongue and not getting involved? Because you really can’t jump in without it leading to resentment.

Have you thought about space for things? They’re going to have a pram, for example, is there space in your hallway for it? Is it going to get irritating having bits and pieces around the house that aren’t yours? Do you have similar cleanliness standards?

My MIL lives with us. Has done for several years and it works brilliantly. before BIL lived with us briefly after his relationship ended. We have an amazing relationship, but it turned out he’s a nightmare to live with! You have to be brutally honest about compatibility in terms of things like finances, noise, cleaning and cooking before getting into something like this long term.

Also will your other children still feel comfortable to visit in the way they currently do?

Thats also important.