to think this CAN work - son and pregnant daughter-in-law moving in

[dirtyblond]

so, what do you think? has this worked for you? Would you do it again? What mistakes should I avoid? What tips to make it successful. They are being evicted, and are planning on staying here around a year, while they get some savings together - both work full time.

I'm in a similar situation and so far, things are OK. My daughter and son in law moved back from Turkey about three weeks ago because my daughter has a new job in the UK. My son in law has also found a new job in Germany and once his visa has been approved, will be there during the week and then he will either come here for weekends or my daughter will go there. In the meantime he is working from home here.

I've worked from home for many years but am starting to reduce my hours now thst I'm retirement age, and so have rearranged my home office as a bedroom for my daughter and son in law, with a sofa and a smaller desk. My daughter has always been really awful with keeping her room and the rest of the house clean and tidy but so far, things are very different. They are being respectful of our house and the kitchen in particular. They have their own shelf in both of our fridges and I have emptied out a mini freezer that I bought at the start of the pandemic for them. I've made some cupboard space in the kitchen as well.

Food isn't an issue as they are both Muslims and only eat organic food, so most of the time they are buying and cooking their own food. The only slight issue is the bathroom; we only have one bathroom and a separate second toilet, but in the mornings they are both fine and leave us to use the bathroom before they go in. Bedtime can be a bit more difficult because they both spend hours in the toilet before bed, and I do get irritated when I can't get into the bathroom when I want to go to bed at 1, but nkw thst my daughter is about to start her new job, I assume she will be going to bed earlier.

They have also been extremely quiet when they've been getting up in the small hours to pray and to eat before it gets light during Ramadan. They are doing their own washing and cleaning.

I was a bit worried before they arrived but so far, there have been no major issues. My son in law in particular is very concerned about us not doing too much in the garden and outside and seems to think that we are unable to do things any more becasue we are in our 60s, which can be irritating, but it's meant in a good way.

I'm not finding the thought of the next year is filing me with dread and although my husband and I have enjoyed having the house to ourselves for many years now, it's nice to have the company. It's not really costing us anything extra to have them here, apart from the cost of the new bed, bedding, and towels thst I bought. I realise that it will be very different for the OP having to contend with a baby as well, but I think it could well be doable.

So the notice was served, they turned down your offer of living with them for a few months, but then in that time-knowing they were going to be made homeless from
their bedsit, got pregnant?

Yes I think it could work really well. We did the same. It’s a great opportunity for your son and daughter in law to save some money and have help with a new born. Lots of other cultures live with family.

Have you read this thread? What are your other DC going to think?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5048945-parents-moaning-their-pensions-are-not-enough?page=1

There are threads every so often on here about new mums living at their in-laws with partner and baby. Obviously, the ones that appear on mumsnet are when there is tension and it's not working. If everyone's getting on swimmingly then there would be no need to post. But the kind of tensions that seem to come up include:

• chores- who does what chores and how everyone is expected to contribute and pitch in
• space- making sure everyone feels comfortable in the space, so that the new family don't feel completely entitled to the space, take over and the parents feel resentful but also the new family don't feel like they're tiptoeing round the whole time
• noise
• rent and financial contributions- who is paying for what including food, who shares what food etc.
• what level of help and support is expected
• what's the relationship like between the daughter in law and the parents in law, given she's going to be home most days with the baby and son is going to be out at work
• what if she is raising the baby in a way you find difficult/disagree with
• boundaries e.g. my parents didn't like me openly breastfeeding- my Dad tended to walk out of the room (we didn't live with them, but when they came to visit) and they found pumping even worse and thought it should be a private activity
• visitors, who controls the TV etc.
• are there limited parking spaces? Who's going to get them?

I feel like a lot of these could be cleared up with really clear and frank communication and the beginning, rather than just hoping for the best.

Me too - did we get an answer as to why these two women are responsible for him?! I can’t be bothered to rtft to find out.

No advice to add but what a lovely person you are op. Wishing you all the very best of luck and much joy with the new baby when the time comes.

all good points - no body has a car, so that won't be an issue

My cousin and gf moved in with her Mum, who was single, for 2 years so they could save for a deposit on a house. It worked well, cousin has to be told to do things more, but it was mainly banter. They did pay some rent, but mainly for their food. Looking back now and seeing my cousin with his future MIL they have a special bond which is really nice.

It can work but there are huge variables, ie size of the house and whether you all maintain independent living space. Some friends of mine tried it and it nearly drove them to divorce. They always seem to clash with cooking same time, them sleeping in (appreciate not once baby arrives), but also you will be having the disturbed nights as well.

in the end they got so desperate they paid the deposit on a house for them as was cheaper than divorce!

She has a masters in one stem subject, but actually is finding she needs a qualification in a different stem subject too, in order to advance in her career - renewable energy- you ideally need qualifications in both engineering and ecology, and she currently only holds a masters in one of those, so is working an achieving the other. She is on track for a first.

"Ideally", eh? How many people working in renewable energy really have two masters' degrees? And decide to have a baby at the same time?

Is she finishing her degree work this summer before the baby comes? Otherwise moving in with you doesn't sound like a short term solution at all.

They are cleaner and tidier than I am.... and yes, we all work outside of the home

None of you have a newborn, right? And they are both out all day at work and live in a bedsit so not much space that needs to be to cleaned and tidied. That's all about to change....

I agree with this. They need to be respectful that it is YOUR home and all need to sit down and have some general rules before they move in.
It doesn't need to be a bad idea because it's a mum supporting her family. Just need to be sure everyone respects each others space, not expecting you to be the default babysitter and just cleaning and chores expectations too.

If they were renting somewhere before, why can't they again?

Although I see it was just a bedsit, so perhaps they weren't on the most solid footing already... How old are they? Anything much more than very early 20s, they need to get getting their arses into gear. A couple, working full time, should be able to do better than a bedsit, unless we're talking dead-centre of London.
Maybe at this point, "a stable living situation" is a better idea than "homeless young couple have baby"?

It can work, but it's hard work. First of all, define boundaries. Very clearly. Like showers, contribution to bills etc. If you're not asking them for contributions then you need to set out limits. E.g. if they have a baby this winter and she's home all day, you're out at work and she has the heating set to 22 degrees day and night your bills will be astronomical. You do need a plan in advance of how you will tackle that. Even if its an 'I'll pay x amount, if you use more and bill is more you pay it'.

There's a trickiness around savings. You may not charge them so they can save, but if you see them out buying expensive brands of baby stuff, deciding to go on a babymoon etc is that going to cause tension? What if something happens such as pregnant DIL hitting 8 weeks and getting really sick and signed off work on very low pay?

Boundaries around visitors/involvement with baby when it arrives. You shouldn't be kicked out of your own house. Equally you may not appreciate the stream of visitors, but maybe there will be bad feeling on her side you live with new grandbaby they maybe can't see as easily or as well. They may appreciate help with baby. But also be careful not to go in with unsolicited advice, and overbearing with it. Even if you just say to them "I'm here. I'm very happy to help you, answer questions, show you how I would do something, take baby for a couple hours while you nap or shower etc if that will be helpful to you. In fact I'd really enjoy it, but I don't want you to feel any pressure so please ask if you would like it." But that also brings in the other biggest factor in these situations. Personality.

These set ups don't work well when someone is the type to let stuff simmer in silence then explode. It needs open, honest communication without pussyfooting around eachother. As by the time that party explodes, the relationship is very damaged. If she is too shy to ask for the help, or feels pressured into receiving it even if the pressure is unintentional then it can go badly. Same if you don't tell them they're overstepping boundaries until they've crossed so far the line can no longer be seen.

I just wanted to add some encouragement. You sound a perfect MIL, I would be immensely grateful to have you as the granny to my dc.

DH, dc and I stayed with my PIl when we were between accommodation. It was only for three months. My experience was overall positive but as a “fully established adult” with dh and child, I did find it quite hard to adapt to living under someone else’s roof. The hardest thing was feeling guilty and awkward - mil wouldn’t “let” me do our own laundry and then would comment wittily on my choice of apparently racy underwear which was extremely awkward as I hadn’t really thought my underwear was especially controversial! My commute from her home was over 90 mins each way (we were desperate at the time) but my dh worked nearby so he was able to do the pick up from nursery and tbh I spent as much time at the office as possible so I wasn’t in PIL’s space too much. I did feel like I was in the way or a spare part all the time.

We made a contribution to food and bills, otherwise I would have felt absolutely shit about the situation. My pride and upbringing would not let me scrounge so please bear this in mind - if they want to contribute please let them!

PIL were very kind about making meals for us when we were all home, so we did have family meals several times a week - the rest of the time I lived off microwave food (work canteen provided breakfast and lunch).

So overall it was fine but I did not feel like it was my home, I never got to watch my choice of tv programmes but it was expected I’d sit in the living room with what was left of the evening and watch tv as that’s what they did. I didn’t mind and it became a window into understanding my dh and how he was brought up.

Also dh wouldn’t have sex with me the whole time we lived there as he said it felt disrespectful!

I wouldn’t do it again, but I am still exceptionally grateful to PIL for their help at a time when we were completely out of options, and many years later we have a really good relationship - actually far more comfortable now than it was all those years ago. Plus my PIL clearly loved having the time with the grandchild so I’m glad I could give them those memories.

Yes, she has almost finished the second masters - no not everybody needs 2 masters, but you do need to be qualified in the area you are working, and if you are working in both engineering and ecology, you need qualifications in both. The second masters will be completed very soon, it is almost done - it has taken years as she is doing it in the evenings while working full time. It is where most of her earnings currently go

They are early 20s, yes

Babies can be...

I strongly recommend that you charge them rent. Find out the going rate for a double room in a shared house in your area. If you don’t need this money then save it and give it back to them as a contribution to their deposit when they move out. Have a clear plan for utilities - it sounds like baby is due in the winter so you need to account for the additional cost of daytime heating, for example.

I am sure that they are conscientious people and will move in with the best of intentions but they could get very comfortable with some extra cash in their pockets and a babysitter on call 24/7, and you may struggle to move them on. As pp have said I think it’s naive to assume this will only last a year.

Finally, don’t forget yourself in all this. It sounds like you are relatively young with a lot of life left to live. Apologies if I’m wrong but it sounds like you are single. What about if you met someone?

I thought exactly the same!

The man is responsible for his bloody self.

That could take longer than you think

I would charge some level of rent, even if you gave it back when they move out.

I'd set out three monthly family meetings where you all sit down and talk calmly about what is / isn't working and what will be changed.

Get them to understand before they move in you have the right to charge market rate for the room, you have the right to evict them with no formal warning. Ie what they get in a rented house share as lodgers. You are doing then a favour with better terms than a lodger so they must not take the piss or they will be lodgers.

Had this conversation with my son when he finished his a levels. Sadly he became unfit to work due to mh issues so now he contributes nothing and complains at lot! He is off to uni in September but he will not be moving back home unless he was working and paying his way. He initially agreed to all of this, but then never did any of it.

It's very easy to fall into a piss take and then your stuck with a vulnerable adult who couldn't cope without your support. Not so bad at 18, 19, 20 but older, married with kids? If you never charge rent why would they ever leave?

Are they married and / or is their relationship rock-solid? It is about to come under enormous strain. Was the pregnancy planned?

They aren’t going to be able to save, though, are they? First a period of maternity leave, where income will be reduced, and then, in order for them both to return to work full time to earn the money to save, they will be having to find the money for childcare - which in London, will be close to the equivalent of mortgage payments each month. Even if the ‘free’ (actually part funded) hours kick in, in due course, there will be a large deficit to find in childcare costs alone. Then all the costs of everything a baby and soon a child needs. I can’t see them being in a position to save meaningfully (given they want a London home) until the child is at school. It’s going to be six years, really, before they can make a dent in the size of deposit they are going to need. And that’s if they don’t want another child in that time.

You sound like a really thoughtful, kind woman OP. I wish all 3 (4) of you the very best.