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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give up my day off?

729 replies

justbecool25 · 13/04/2024 22:43

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

OP posts:
bellezarara · 14/04/2024 08:50

Didimum · 14/04/2024 08:45

OP has not been on suicide watch every football Saturday, nor do you know how OP feels about spending time with him on those days, so it has nothing to do with the issue. The acute suicidal thoughts have been very recent – OP said a few days ago.

Show quote history

OP says

I do care about SS, I stay home with him almost every Saturday when DP goes to the football, I have done even before he moved in full time.

So she has been staying with the past month every Saturday.

Why are you lying about this?

Itsonlymashadow · 14/04/2024 08:50

Can't believe how many people are ignoring oeu g that Op gives up her free time.e nearly every week to stay with her SS so her Dp can still go socialise and go to his hobby.

But Op is upset she can't go see a friend that she really wants to see rhat she doesnt see often and so many people are being awful to her here

So the mother has done nothing in the last few weeks and Ops dp doesn't want to ask her, dp has kept up his socialising time. And Op is wrong for wanting to see a friend for a coffee, when she gives up a day week to already stay with the SS.

If one of my children was suicidal not a chance I would be leaving them with Dp. People don't need to be alone long to commit suicide. My friend did it while taking a shower. Op can't stand and watch him in the shower. I would never forgive myself if something happened while dp on was wat h and I would feel I credibly guilty for putting g them in that position.

But then I wouldn't expect Dp to spend most Saturdays staying with my teenager, so I could go to my hobby and socialise and then expect him to cancel a rare chance to socialise himself.

StormingNorman · 14/04/2024 08:51

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 08:16

It’s not kindness to guilt-trip step-mum into giving up even more of her time to monitor a 16yo, when the dad can’t even be bothered to ask the other parent to help.

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Simplistic to assume mum is the best alternative to dad. DS moved out of his mum’s for a reason so reasonable of Dad to assume him going back there wouldn’t necessarily be a good thing, even for a day.

NearJohnLewis · 14/04/2024 08:52

There is huge ignorance here of what it can be like looking after someone who is suicidal. It’s not about inviting a friend over for a ‘nice cake’ whilst periodically checking on the person. It’s not like looking after a child with tonsillitis upstairs. It’s a different ballgame in terms of vigilance and emotional support.

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 08:54

Didimum · 14/04/2024 08:47

Irritating for you – the thread isn’t here to benefit you.

Show quote history

If it’s irritating me then it must even worse for the OP who is the recipient of the supercilious instructions from randoms on the internet. The thread isn’t here for you to kick a woman already doing a lot whilst the actual parents are off playing football or whatever.

Itsonlymashadow · 14/04/2024 08:54

Didimum · 14/04/2024 08:45

OP has not been on suicide watch every football Saturday, nor do you know how OP feels about spending time with him on those days, so it has nothing to do with the issue. The acute suicidal thoughts have been very recent – OP said a few days ago.

Show quote history

That poster didn't say on suicide watch every Saturday.

But Op says she stays with him most Saturdays so the dp can go to football. She is already doing alot.

Funny how yoj don't mind her socialising time being cut into, cants understand why she would need a break. But also try to play down that Op also facilities the father of the child going to his hobby. And ignoring the lother isn't actually doing any of it at the moment.

Eviebeans · 14/04/2024 08:56

NearJohnLewis · 14/04/2024 08:52

There is huge ignorance here of what it can be like looking after someone who is suicidal. It’s not about inviting a friend over for a ‘nice cake’ whilst periodically checking on the person. It’s not like looking after a child with tonsillitis upstairs. It’s a different ballgame in terms of vigilance and emotional support.

I totally agree with this.

have people thought how trips to the bathroom for the boy would be managed, for example?

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 08:57

StormingNorman · 14/04/2024 08:51

Simplistic to assume mum is the best alternative to dad. DS moved out of his mum’s for a reason so reasonable of Dad to assume him going back there wouldn’t necessarily be a good thing, even for a day.

Show quote history

If the dad was happy to leave his son at his mum’s for 16 years then she must have been a caring mum otherwise why leave his son there?

And OP has explained that DS prefers his dad’s house as he has a room there. That doesn’t mean DS doesn’t want to spend time with his mum.

LolaSmiles · 14/04/2024 08:57

You are not the only one who said this but if risk is really that high, then the friend should not be coming for coffee. When the OP is chatting with the friend downstairs, the boy could take an overdose or cut himself.

If the suicide risk is such that the dad has to sleep with his son, then none of these options will work. It sounds like he needs 24/7 supervision. That won’t work if there are guests at home or he is allowed to wander round the shops whilst the OP has coffee. Either he is a significant risk or he isn’t.
Playing devil's advocate here, if the situation is such that the boy's father can work from home most days and that's been deemed ok, why can't the OP have a friend over for coffee at the house?

If it's not safe for her to have a friend for coffee because she needs to be providing constant emotional support and not have her attention on anything else, then it's also not safe for the child's father to work from home because his attention is elsewhere for large sections of the day.

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 08:57

Itsonlymashadow · 14/04/2024 08:54

That poster didn't say on suicide watch every Saturday.

But Op says she stays with him most Saturdays so the dp can go to football. She is already doing alot.

Funny how yoj don't mind her socialising time being cut into, cants understand why she would need a break. But also try to play down that Op also facilities the father of the child going to his hobby. And ignoring the lother isn't actually doing any of it at the moment.

Show quote history

Exactly.

Augustone · 14/04/2024 08:59

Hmmm, cup of coffee or taking care of a suicidal child….. you really need to ask?????

Paperthin · 14/04/2024 09:02

The lack of empathy here for a child who is suicidal is so sad.

We live in a world where mental health support is non existent for children and young people. So unless the people around them are there to support a young person has no chance of support. He is obviously in crisis, so yes I’d say stay home .

It is one day of your whole life.

Zonder · 14/04/2024 09:02

Why is this all about OP and her DP? What about the mum who seems to have abdicated all responsibility?

ThoseBlueRememberedHills · 14/04/2024 09:05

This boy is being let down by all the adults around him.

This situation needs intervention from professional bodies now, not some patched together random supervision by people who don't seem to give a toss one way or the other.

Iaskedyouthrice · 14/04/2024 09:05

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 08:54

If it’s irritating me then it must even worse for the OP who is the recipient of the supercilious instructions from randoms on the internet. The thread isn’t here for you to kick a woman already doing a lot whilst the actual parents are off playing football or whatever.

Show quote history

It is always, without fail, the same when a stepmother is involved. Mumsnet expects far more from the stepmother than the actual parents.
I especially like how some posters have either totally ignored or minimised the OP watching her DSS while his father goes to weekly football.
Oh what knots women will tie themselves in to try and convince a stepmother she is just not doing enough.

ShiteRider · 14/04/2024 09:05

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 08:33

You’re the one being obtuse, she was responding to my post so clearly referencing me.

It’s not very caring of the dad to pick on the easiest option is it? He refuses to ask the mum but has no issue with swanning off to football every week and leaving OP to it.

Show quote history

Nope, you can try and obfuscate as much as you like in order to make it seem reasonable but the bottom line is that there is a kid here who is struggling to the point of being suicidal. Sounds like dad is there the vast majority of the time but has a few hours a week, which is really important in terms of pressure relief and son doesn’t want to spend time with mum. Unless there’s a huge drop feed that OP never leaves the house and gets space this is not a big deal.

Regardless of relationship, the ethical thing to do is to cancel or rearrange a coffee date. Someone upthread said they’d do it for a nephew or family friend, I think most people would.

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 09:07

Iaskedyouthrice · 14/04/2024 09:05

It is always, without fail, the same when a stepmother is involved. Mumsnet expects far more from the stepmother than the actual parents.
I especially like how some posters have either totally ignored or minimised the OP watching her DSS while his father goes to weekly football.
Oh what knots women will tie themselves in to try and convince a stepmother she is just not doing enough.

Show quote history

Exactly. We see through them and their #bekind that only applies to step-mums, much to their irritation.

And I’m not even a step-mum.

RottiesRock11 · 14/04/2024 09:07

As awful as the situation is, your stepson is not your responsibility. He has 2 parents who brought him into this world and its their job.
Whilst you are supportive to your DH and care about your stepson, I don't feel this is your job to stay hone and care for him/watch over him to the detriment of your own life. Of course, help occasionally for the sake of helping your DH but boundaries should be on place.

StormingNorman · 14/04/2024 09:08

MariaVT65 · 14/04/2024 03:29

If you use your day off to look after your stepson, i’d also be asking your DP:

-What would he have done had you gone to work that day?
-When do you get a day off for yourself?
-If SS really needs to be watched 24/7, surely he needs professional intervention eg to be sectioned?

It is so difficult it is to get someone admitted to an NHS mental hospital. Wanting to kill yourself is not enough and even if someone does try, they’ll likely be released after a night.

And private in-patient treatment at around £5,000 per week is beyond the reach of most, or would cause major damage to savings and retirement plans.

OP does need some time to relax and recharge, so does dad so I can’t hate on him having a couple of hours at football after caring for his son 24/7 the rest of the week. Unfortunately, when you are dealing with someone suicidal, you work to their schedule and take your moments when they are up.

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 09:09

ShiteRider · 14/04/2024 09:05

Nope, you can try and obfuscate as much as you like in order to make it seem reasonable but the bottom line is that there is a kid here who is struggling to the point of being suicidal. Sounds like dad is there the vast majority of the time but has a few hours a week, which is really important in terms of pressure relief and son doesn’t want to spend time with mum. Unless there’s a huge drop feed that OP never leaves the house and gets space this is not a big deal.

Regardless of relationship, the ethical thing to do is to cancel or rearrange a coffee date. Someone upthread said they’d do it for a nephew or family friend, I think most people would.

Show quote history

Nope, the son is only living there a month and the dad is already running off every Saturday to play football and yet expecting OP not see her own friend on her annual booked leave for this purpose, instead of asking his son’s mum to step in.

Your hypocrisy is astounding.

JaffaCake70 · 14/04/2024 09:12

You don't want to give up a coffee date to help a suicidal teenager?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Iaskedyouthrice · 14/04/2024 09:13

OP does need some time to relax and recharge, so does dad so I can’t hate on him having a couple of hours at football after caring for his son 24/7 the rest of the week. Unfortunately, when you are dealing with someone suicidal, you work to their schedule and take your moments when they are up

Right, so you can't hate on his father for wanting his football every Saturday, so there's no problem with OP wanting to meet her friend just this once is there? This is her moment, her one day off. Her partner or the child's mother will have to step up. Sounds like the OP already does. Weekly.

Iaskedyouthrice · 14/04/2024 09:15

JaffaCake70 · 14/04/2024 09:12

You don't want to give up a coffee date to help a suicidal teenager?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

The OP's dp pisses off to football every Saturday and the OP watches her stepson. What do you think about that? Shameful isn't it?

KTheGrey · 14/04/2024 09:15

Well I would take DSS with. No he probably doesn't want to go, but since he wants to self harm we've already established that he is in no fit state to make good choices. Buy him a nice fluffy coffee and maybe a new pair of jeans.

And why DP can't change his One Day A Month At Work is a bit of a mystery to me.

Kismet79 · 14/04/2024 09:16

Firstly, I'd ask whether the mum was able to help. If she cannot help, I'd absolutely step up and help. I'd want to help my step son if he was struggling to this extent.