To not want to give up my day off?

[justbecool25]

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

We need more information from OP:

• How long is the football? Is DP away for a couple of hours?
• How much of the rest of Saturdays do you get to yourself?
• Do you have a second day off E.g. Sunday?

All the advice is dependent on these answers as it changes it say OP only has one day off a week and if DP is out 10-8 because of football.

But I think OP can see DP needs a break so does most Saturdays and the last few days DSS has been in crisis so DP is obviously trying to juggle working and maybe his office, like many people here, don’t understand how severe mental health issues can be. So he has to go into the office and as it’s only once a month is hoping that next month DSS won’t need the support he does now.

Would OP stay with him if he lost his job and needed to be a carer for his son?
This is what my dad has been for the last 18 months so it might be worth weighing up what she’d prefer.

No @IgnoranceNotOk its up to the OP's partner to garner some proper support for his son so it isn't left for the OP to do. It blows my mind that I have to write that. The OP has plans to meet a friend she hasn't seen for a long time, the child's actual parent will have to sort it out. The OP watches her stepson for her partner, while he goes to football every Saturday. He needs to be going out of his way to ensure the OP gets to meet her friend. Otherwise the OP might wake up one day and decide she's had enough. Then he faces the task of finding another woman to take all this on. The OP would be grand.

To add to the above, can you meet up with your friend at the weekend instead and your partner miss his football to accommodate your time away?

I literally despair that people won’t help a child and that going for a coffee would trump that. That poor lad. I wouldn’t care if he was biologically mine, a step child, a nephew, a neighbours or a strangers! If the kid needs help/support why wouldn’t you help.

I would give up my day for a stranger in this situation. Let alone a child that I knew. You’re massively unreasonable and, dare I say, not showing a very nice side of your character. If I was your partner and knew about your hesitation, I’d be dumping you in seconds.

Yet, you are also telling the OP what to do.

Where have I told OP what to do?

Why can’t the mum do it. I’m sorry but saying she ‘cant cope with it’ is not on. She clearly doesn’t care as much as you guys do. He been out of his own mums sight for a month! She can spend a few hours with him surely

A couple of people have mentioned dad taking the son to football.

He'd be daft to dump her wouldn't he? She's the reason he still gets to go to football every Saturday. Tell me, what does the OP supporting her stepson every Saturday while her dp skips off to football, show about her character?

I’m at a loss to understand why her partner would put OP in this position. And why she’s coming in for so much flak here. This is not her child, it’s her partners’. And by the sound of it he has serious mental health problems. Has her partner even asked OP if she feels equipped to deal with the situation alone ? What if something happens on her watch ? This isn’t just a case of a SM being asked to supervise a child - he’s a suicidal child. The situation could unexpectedly escalate, and the OP could very well find herself involved in traumatising events, or possibly even held responsible as he’s a minor.

The boy’s own mother has seemingly been allowed to dump him because she can’t cope. But OP is expected to ? MNs hatred of step parents has reached dizzying new heights here.

I'm aghast at some commenters on this thread.

How utterly sad that a step parent is more concerned with a coffee date with a friend than if her step son kills himself. And commenters agreeing.

Seriously?

What do you think about her dp going to football every Saturday leaving the OP to watch her stepson? Why do you expect more from the OP than the child's parents?
I hope, for once, that I get an honest answer.

'Needs to go into the office'. If that is true, and his employer would not make one exception, then that is a very cruel boss. However good the relationship is between the OP and the DS, would be better if the DP was at home. Regardless of whether the OP goes out for a coffee.

This for me - it's one day and your partner sounds like he could really do with the support. Invite friends over - if she's a good friend she would understand - bring coffees/takeaway whatever

Have you asked yourself why his mother isn’t expected to step in, but OP is ? This isn’t about ‘coffee’. It’s about expecting your partner to cope alone with your own suicidal child - and all the possible ramifications of that. And it seems that OP already steps up plenty. A child with mental health problems so serious that he needs constant supervision because of suicide risk shouldn’t be passed around like a parcel. It’s up to his actual parents to make sure he’s properly supported.

You have very strong opinions on this. Would you be willing to end your marriage over it?

This would be a red line for me.

I think OP watches son while DP goes to football.

You have a very bizarre definition of lying. OP clearly says that the stepson’s acute suicide ideation, requiring him to be with someone at all times, started a few nights ago. So what has been occurring on Saturdays, with or without football, over time does not have anything to do with this particular issue. Nor do you know how OP feels about that as a separate subject.

I would. I’d also lock away or hide any paraphanlia that DSS could use (knives, medicines, ropes, car keys and whatever else) and keep my phone on me ready to call 999 in an instant.

And there’s plenty of people supporting her initial preference to go out too. ‘Randoms’ on an internet forum will likely disagree with each other, and it’s in the very fabric of an internet forum to direct OP’s what to do. OP, I’m sure, is well aware of this.

OP your best bet is to make a formal declaration that you can't cope with all this, it seems to have worked for SS's mum. And just out of interest, how does anyone actually stop a person committing suicide?

A red line in what way ? OP watches son regularly while DP goes to football. But she’s expected to give up her plans on her one day off. The childs’ parents should be sorting out care for this very vulnerable and troubled child, not passing him around like an inconvenient package.

But you don’t know how OP feels about the Saturdays. She brought it up to display evidence to another poster that she does care about her stepson, so why is it forming part of the argument? Posters are inferring meaning from it when she hasn’t given any.

They’re not married. And if the DP leaves OP because OP wants to go to her pre-arranged plans on her annual leave after facilitating her DP to play football every Saturday by taking care of his son, then I think OP is better off without him.

You have very strong opinions on this.

And you have anti-step-mum opinions on every DSC related thread.