To not want to give up my day off?

[justbecool25]

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

You’re the one being obtuse, she was responding to my post so clearly referencing me.

It’s not very caring of the dad to pick on the easiest option is it? He refuses to ask the mum but has no issue with swanning off to football every week and leaving OP to it.

As a one-off I would cancel this time. I would not make it my regular routine.

It’s a shame there is no MH support. As a long-term measure, having 24/7 support is untenable. And people can still try and kill themselves with others around.

CAMHS should help create a plan, including a crisis plan that SS can take ownership of. If he can’t be left alone for a minute then that’s a crisis situation and should he even be at home?

So many people are heroically saying they would stay with any suicidal child, even that of a stranger or acquaintance. I am not sure I would. It’s a hell of responsibility. And the consequences of things going wrong are monumental. I think it’s ok to give this a lot of thought.

I'd be willing to rearrange coffee given that the boy's father doesn't seem to be offloading his parenting responsibilities on a regular basis.

I do think that really the first port of call is the child's mother. He might prefer having space at his father's houses but she's still his mum and it's not unreasonable for her to be involved in his care unless there was a good reason for her not to be.

I'd still skip coffee to be with him though, or maybe invite my friend for coffee at home.

Let’s not pretend posing a question on an internet forum doesn’t lead to others telling OPs what they think they should do. It’s the whole point of an advice forum. And the nature of that doesn’t change simply because you disagree with it.

Then he will express that.
I presume it would be an invitation or a suggestion.

Op, would have in mind to either go out if he says YES or to stay home if he says NO.
Ideally Op would not be in this situation very often as usually either the DSS's parents or mental health worker would deal with a crissis.

Personally I would happily stay home but I would be engaging the Mental Health Team to help find a solution to deal with the whole "not well enough to go to school and suicidal thoughts" problem.

Normally in these types of post I’d say Yanbu but in a situation this serious I think YABU. Can you invite your friend round to your house for coffee instead?

This suicidal teenager being your DP's son, the most important person in the world to him?

In that case the dad needs to cancel his office day. Because his son is at risk. He can take carer’s leave, unpaid leave or work from home. If the risk is high enough, the dad needs to step up.

You are so obviously being very unreasonable.

Thought this would be the case. For all those telling OP to just do more, sacrifice that little bit more, you fail to see that this is a new situation for her too and she's navigating it just like her DP.
So your DP can go to football every Saturday but you can't meet a friend you haven't seen for ages for a coffee?
OP, say NO. He will have to ask DSS's mother. Please do not put yourself at the bottom of the pile for a man who is unwilling to give up weekly football, come on.
DO NOT CANCEL.

These circumstances? Invite your friend over for coffee. You can still see your friend and keep an eye on him. I get it's not your problem, but if your DH is doing everything else and really stepping up and is asking you for this one day so he can go into work without worrying I'd do it. It's not like he's putting watching him on you all the time.

You are not the only one who said this but if risk is really that high, then the friend should not be coming for coffee. When the OP is chatting with the friend downstairs, the boy could take an overdose or cut himself.

If the suicide risk is such that the dad has to sleep with his son, then none of these options will work. It sounds like he needs 24/7 supervision. That won’t work if there are guests at home or he is allowed to wander round the shops whilst the OP has coffee. Either he is a significant risk or he isn’t.

Could you ask the friend to come and visit you?

No I don't think you should have to give up your day off. Your DH should take a days holiday and sort it himself. You've done more than enough letting him move in full time.

Obviously the SS needs more serious help but yes I'd stay home to help even if I couldn't stand the SS because ultimately it's for the OP's partner. It should be on the understanding that medical intervention is sought asap.

Yes he does but that doesn't mean this exists

I would do it for a day but your all need to come up with a plan.

I was there with DD, for around 15 months we weren't able to leave her alone or not be in short distance from her school as we got regular calls that she wasn't able to cope with the school day and had to be collected.

DH travels for work on a regular basis so I was open and honest with HR and my team and said that I had to wfh every time DH was out of the country. DH wfh permanently outside his trips so he would do the collecting if I was at work or couldn't leave.

My work didn't even blink, I had a free pass to come or not come in for the whole time and still can do it when we feel DD needs someone at home but luckily that is now a lot better.

Your partner needs to tell work that he can't come into the office at the moment, he has to talk to his ex to arrange her to cover his in-office days and yes, you also may have to take the odd day.

We were lucky to be able to get private cover for her therapist for a while but we are now paying ourselves. CAHMS just couldn't cope, DD was too well basically.

Why is the child's mother getting a free pass?

It might lead to it but it doesn’t make it any less irritating when posters tell an OP ‘you NEED to do this’. No, she doesn’t need to do what she’s told.

In this scenario I'd be disappointed but realise your Step sons safety is priority. Could you make a nice cake and invite your friend over for coffee and cake? You could sit in the garden with it. Maybe your stepson would enjoy some cake too. After your friend leaves I'd see if step son wanted to do something nice too maybe suggest going bowling with him. The quicker he feels better the quicker your life will go back to normal.

And what about respecting the boy’s confidentiality? Maybe he doesn’t want random friends of his parents knowing about his MH and suicidality? The friends would effectively be coming over for coffee to join in on the suicide watch. It is unworkable and unfair on everyone. Imagine if something happened.

Being with someone who is suicidal is an active process which requires vigilance and a proactive approach. It’s exhausting. It’s not just about passively being in the house with someone.

OP has not been on suicide watch every football Saturday, nor do you know how OP feels about spending time with him on those days, so it has nothing to do with the issue. The acute suicidal thoughts have been very recent – OP said a few days ago.

💯

Some common sense thankfully.

Your DP needs to ask SS’s mother to stay with him, as you already have plans.

This is a longer term problem and putting him on 24hr watch isn’t sustainable for anyone. However, if that is how the parents wish to deal with it, then it is their responsibility to provide that round the clock supervision, not yours.

If anything were to happen to him on your ‘watch’ both parents would blame you, and that’s not fair on anyone.

Irritating for you – the thread isn’t here to benefit you.

I’m interested to know how many of those saying “stay at home to keep him safe” and that they definitely would, actually feel that they would be equal to that task.
in my view it’s not something to be taken lightly.