To not want to give up my day off?

[justbecool25]

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

No I wouldn’t do it.

Can you imagine if something happened on “your watch”. You’d get the blame op even though it won’t be your fault.

Not a chance in hell would I be responsible for someone else’s child in this scenario.

I think this is far more complex, or Ops come from a far more complex place.

OP what is your partner giving up, while you his son is feeling suicidal. You stay with SS o a Saturday so that dp can still go to football. Is that your other day off? So you already give up a day off so your partner can continue to attend football?

Is it possible that its not that you just really want to go for coffee or feel that a coffee with friends is equally as important as ds possible committing suicide? As some are suggesting. But that its actually about your dp. He still gets to go to football and see friends ds. Your chance to see friends is cancelled?

I also think people are really underestimating how awful it can be living with someone suicidal or with severe mental health issues. You often do really need to get out and spend time with friends, put of the situation for a bit.

In the last few weeks your life has changed a huge amount. This situation is extremely stressful. I think people judging you for being upset and preaching about kindness, should actually think about their own words to you.

Sacrifice your coffee date.
Or ask friend over for coffee at your place.

You would never forgive yourself if DSS topped himself.
For the next couple of years I think all adults in DSS's life should prioritise him coping with finishing school.

None of you are professionals, however, and I think you should call a professional mental health worker or DSS's case worker when he is asking not to be left alone due to suicidal thoughts.

The situation is super stressful for your husband. It could help to invite friends over for a visit sometimes too, while home with his son?

It’s not kindness to guilt-trip step-mum into giving up even more of her time to monitor a 16yo, when the dad can’t even be bothered to ask the other parent to help.

I don't think you are BU at all in voicing about how you feel a bit miffed at missing a meet with a friend.
I'm sure you will put on a cheerful face and do the right thing. Please explain to your friend as much as you can about your reason for change of plan.

💯

Women here just love telling women what to do. So patronising.

Or maybe the actual mum could take him?

I absolutely would sacrifice my day off to stay with this boy, yes.

OP - take him with you. He can sit on his own table, read a book, on his phone. Might be good for you both. Go for a walk with him afterwards.
Don't cancel if he can go with you. Or ask your friend to come to yours for a coffee.

Well she’s asking … so??

You’re shocked that people are saying the actual parents should be the go to people?

You’re easily shocked.

Not a bad idea to take him on the coffee date too..

She hasn’t asked people to tell her what to do

Are you serious?

Funny how no one expects the dad to take DS to football with him every week, but two women are the perfect people to take a 16yo boy for coffee.

It is not easy to be sectioned. You can sit in A&E for days on end and there are no beds left so they don’t want to section you or admit you.
The crisis team are beyond useless and give advice like ‘splash your face with water’ and CAMHS waiting list is years long and hard to get onto in the first place.

It’s no wonder suicidal rates for males are so high as even when they ask for help there is none.

I suspect neither he nor the OP would enjoy that!

Why would a 16 year old want to go for coffee with a couple of older women?

Invite your friend over to yours for lunch on this occasion. It sounds like a stressful time and YANBU to want to get out but if you are the only available adult for whatever reason I’d probably just do it this month.

Are other plans in motion to support his mental health issues through professionals in the longer term?

Op hasn't made her post a vote option.

I think she fully expects discussion about her dilemma - opinions, ideas etc. So it is not rude to suggest options.

Don’t be obtuse.

They’re shocked that people are so uncaring that that wouldn’t sacrifice a coffee date to support a suicidal child and rightly so in my opinion.

Could you friend come to you for coffee?
If your partner can't change his working in the office day, under the circumstances, you ideally do need to change your plans. Work out some 'satisfying' things to do at home, so that you feel you have achieved something on your day off. (That's if you don't need to be sitting with SS the whole time but just pottering about.)
It is a really tough situation but hopefully you will all get through it.

We could believe that the OP is open to suggestions from us.
We might believe that the OP has already thought of inviting the friend over or taking the lad.

Perhaps both statement are true.

I’m so sorry - it’s the worst possible situation.
There is nothing…

I hope your DC is doing better now?

As someone who has suffered from severe depression and suicidal thoughts in the past I can tell you now being forced out of the house to a noisy coffee shop to sit and be ignored by the people who made me go whilst I was feeling that bad would have probably tipped me over the edge.

Why can't your partner cancel his day in the office, on the perfectly reasonable ground that he has a crisis at home?