Page 24 | To not want to give up my day off?

justbecool25 · 2024-04-13T21:43:18+00:00

I suspect I might be BU I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much. His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight. He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree. I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him. I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

thepastinsidethepresent · 14/04/2024 19:55

Justgorgeous · 14/04/2024 19:49

@thepastinsidethepresent The post isn’t about them though is it ?? Try reading it again.

That's a disingenuous response. Your post implied judgement of OP and that's what I was questioning.

Hiddenvoice · 14/04/2024 19:55

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 14/04/2024 19:25

DP feels perfectly happy to go to football on a Saturday and leave OP to look after DSS though. Funnily enough his sons’ mental health problems don’t seem to impact on his own leisure time. Or did you miss that bit ?

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I’m saying it from my perspective, I wouldn’t feel comfortable going out for leisure time. If op doesn’t want to do it then she shouldn’t- that’s her choice.

StormingNorman · 14/04/2024 19:57

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 14/04/2024 19:25

DP feels perfectly happy to go to football on a Saturday and leave OP to look after DSS though. Funnily enough his sons’ mental health problems don’t seem to impact on his own leisure time. Or did you miss that bit ?

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Anyone on 24 hour suicide watch needs an outlet. Listening to someone in this frame of mind is like taking repeated punches to the head; you can feel yourself dying inside. And you hear their same feelings and stories over and over for hours at a time. You are trying to calm and possibly restrain someone who is extremely angry and irrational. It’s not just a case of someone laying quietly on the sofa or having a quiet cry under the duvet. This level of depression is loud and ugly and antisocial and exhausting for everyone.

Dad needs to escape and be normal for a couple of hours so he can come home stronger for his son and OP.

OP also needs a break and they need to make sure between them that they are both getting some respite. It is just incredibly unfortunate that OP’s AL has fallen on the same day as a non-negotiable day in the office.

And without knowing more about what DP does and why this one day a month in the office is so important, we can’t say whether it would be reasonable or even possible for him to make arrangements with work so OP could meet her friend.

If OP does need to stay with DSS there should be a plan for her to make up that free time another day.

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2024 20:11

funinthesun19 · 14/04/2024 18:50

I’m still wondering what he does when he has to go in to the office and op is at work.
This just sounds like a random day off OP has got and not a permanent one every week so it’s not like they have a routine where op looks after dss every time his dad has to go in work. So what does the dad actually do on those days he has to go in?

I wonder if dss goes to his mum’s on those days and his dad prefers him not to, so tried to grab the opportunity to avoid dss having to go this time. Which of course is very selfish on his part as op is very deserving of a coffee with a friend every once in a while.

Edited

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It's more that he doesn't want yo risk leaving him on his own which you normally would do with a 26 year old

Justgorgeous · 14/04/2024 20:13

@thepastinsidethepresent Yes, I am judging her as she put a post up asking if she’s unreasonable and I absolutely think she is. It seems I’m not alone. You think differently, good for you.

Crumpleton · 14/04/2024 20:14

I booked tomorrow as annual leave and planned to go out before I knew DP was due in the office (the day changes every month) otherwise I would be working.

So what would have been the plan, who would have looked after Dss had you not of already been on annual leave?

Namechange666 · 14/04/2024 20:25

Ask the friend to come for coffee at your house?

yogagivesmepeace · 14/04/2024 20:40

Have a heart, woman, the poor lad.

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 20:42

Namechange666 · 14/04/2024 20:25

Ask the friend to come for coffee at your house?

What an amazing idea, no one thought of that in 580+ posts. Revolutionary!

PenguinLord · 14/04/2024 21:02

StormingNorman · 14/04/2024 19:57

Anyone on 24 hour suicide watch needs an outlet. Listening to someone in this frame of mind is like taking repeated punches to the head; you can feel yourself dying inside. And you hear their same feelings and stories over and over for hours at a time. You are trying to calm and possibly restrain someone who is extremely angry and irrational. It’s not just a case of someone laying quietly on the sofa or having a quiet cry under the duvet. This level of depression is loud and ugly and antisocial and exhausting for everyone.

Dad needs to escape and be normal for a couple of hours so he can come home stronger for his son and OP.

OP also needs a break and they need to make sure between them that they are both getting some respite. It is just incredibly unfortunate that OP’s AL has fallen on the same day as a non-negotiable day in the office.

And without knowing more about what DP does and why this one day a month in the office is so important, we can’t say whether it would be reasonable or even possible for him to make arrangements with work so OP could meet her friend.

If OP does need to stay with DSS there should be a plan for her to make up that free time another day.

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OP also needs an outlet end of story. Her outlet is being taken away from her a bit last minute because dad has important stuff to do.

thepastinsidethepresent · 14/04/2024 21:44

Justgorgeous · 14/04/2024 20:13

@thepastinsidethepresent Yes, I am judging her as she put a post up asking if she’s unreasonable and I absolutely think she is. It seems I’m not alone. You think differently, good for you.

And you're clearly not interested in looking at whether the boy's parents are in any way at fault here. Or taking into account how much OP is already doing to help. That's a very odd/skewed way of looking at things imo.

elliejjtiny · 14/04/2024 21:51

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 15:31

Is a child’s life also more important than his dad’s football?

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Of course. Sorry I should have added that responsibility of OP's step son should primarily be with his parents and the step son's dad shouldn't be going off to football unless OP is happy to look after her step son and gets equal time not responsible for him. However in this instance when dad is working and has presumably asked the OP nicely to look after him then I think she should.

StormingNorman · 14/04/2024 22:13

PenguinLord · 14/04/2024 21:02

OP also needs an outlet end of story. Her outlet is being taken away from her a bit last minute because dad has important stuff to do.

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So you’re agreeing with what I wrote? That OP needs a break and if it can’t be tomorrow it needs to be rescheduled?

VeryHappyBunny · 14/04/2024 23:59

All of these people who would happily give up their time to care for a mentally ill person with suicidal tendencies should try it sometime. A few years ago I was called in the middle of the night by an acquaintance who was threatening to end it all and I went round. It was a very scary experience and not one I am in a hurry to repeat. This was a grown woman and I was not really responsible for any outcome. To cut a long story short, after calling a variety of agencies (it was the Sunday night of a bank holiday weekend) to no avail, I ended up calling 999 for an ambulance. This all took only about 2-3 hours and was an horrendous experience. To be asked to be responsible for the 16 year old son of your partner for an entire day is unreasonable. I haven't seen if his violent tendances are directed only towards himself or towards others as well but if he was to become agitated and attacked her (or her friend if she came round for coffee, or any member of the public if she took him out for the day) both "helpful suggestions" from posters who have no experience or idea about any of this, who would take responsibility then? Youngsters with some forms of mental health problems seem to have a greater physical strength than you might expect and if he suddenly turned violent there is nothing the average woman could do about it.
It is very easy to pontificate about a subject and a situation that you have very little likelihood of ever finding yourself in so instead of vilifying someone who is in an awful situation, just be grateful that its not you and try giving a bit of support instead.

MyBreezyPombear · 15/04/2024 00:13

VeryHappyBunny · 14/04/2024 23:59

All of these people who would happily give up their time to care for a mentally ill person with suicidal tendencies should try it sometime. A few years ago I was called in the middle of the night by an acquaintance who was threatening to end it all and I went round. It was a very scary experience and not one I am in a hurry to repeat. This was a grown woman and I was not really responsible for any outcome. To cut a long story short, after calling a variety of agencies (it was the Sunday night of a bank holiday weekend) to no avail, I ended up calling 999 for an ambulance. This all took only about 2-3 hours and was an horrendous experience. To be asked to be responsible for the 16 year old son of your partner for an entire day is unreasonable. I haven't seen if his violent tendances are directed only towards himself or towards others as well but if he was to become agitated and attacked her (or her friend if she came round for coffee, or any member of the public if she took him out for the day) both "helpful suggestions" from posters who have no experience or idea about any of this, who would take responsibility then? Youngsters with some forms of mental health problems seem to have a greater physical strength than you might expect and if he suddenly turned violent there is nothing the average woman could do about it.
It is very easy to pontificate about a subject and a situation that you have very little likelihood of ever finding yourself in so instead of vilifying someone who is in an awful situation, just be grateful that its not you and try giving a bit of support instead.

I think that judging by a lot of the comments, quite a few of us have been in a similar situation. I have multiple times and would do it again for a stranger let alone a loved one.

kkloo · 15/04/2024 00:19

VeryHappyBunny · 14/04/2024 23:59

All of these people who would happily give up their time to care for a mentally ill person with suicidal tendencies should try it sometime. A few years ago I was called in the middle of the night by an acquaintance who was threatening to end it all and I went round. It was a very scary experience and not one I am in a hurry to repeat. This was a grown woman and I was not really responsible for any outcome. To cut a long story short, after calling a variety of agencies (it was the Sunday night of a bank holiday weekend) to no avail, I ended up calling 999 for an ambulance. This all took only about 2-3 hours and was an horrendous experience. To be asked to be responsible for the 16 year old son of your partner for an entire day is unreasonable. I haven't seen if his violent tendances are directed only towards himself or towards others as well but if he was to become agitated and attacked her (or her friend if she came round for coffee, or any member of the public if she took him out for the day) both "helpful suggestions" from posters who have no experience or idea about any of this, who would take responsibility then? Youngsters with some forms of mental health problems seem to have a greater physical strength than you might expect and if he suddenly turned violent there is nothing the average woman could do about it.
It is very easy to pontificate about a subject and a situation that you have very little likelihood of ever finding yourself in so instead of vilifying someone who is in an awful situation, just be grateful that its not you and try giving a bit of support instead.

Lots of us have been in that position.

I'm assuming he hasn't been violent towards other people and hasn't needed to be restrained etc or else the dad wouldn't be asking her to stay with him for the day, and she wouldn't be on here posting a thread saying she doesn't want to do it because she doesn't want to give up her day off and instead she'd be posting about how she didn't want to do it because it's dangerous and incredibly hard work.

VeryHappyBunny · 15/04/2024 00:40

If I ever had a problem or quandary I would certainly not be relying on you bunch of judgemental, sanctimonious characters for any sort of understanding or empathy. I can't imagine too many people would risk seeking advice of this sort more than once.

kkloo · 15/04/2024 00:54

VeryHappyBunny · 15/04/2024 00:40

If I ever had a problem or quandary I would certainly not be relying on you bunch of judgemental, sanctimonious characters for any sort of understanding or empathy. I can't imagine too many people would risk seeking advice of this sort more than once.

Your post was literally the most sanctimonious one on the whole thread.

VeryHappyBunny · 15/04/2024 00:56

Well if I do something I always aim to be the best at it.

mamajong · 15/04/2024 06:35

Dartwarbler · 14/04/2024 16:02

No- one, I repeat no-one is responsible for another person self harming or ending their life.
That is their decision.
most people realise that no matter how carefully someone is protected or watched over, a person who is intent on suicide will succeed in taking their lives. Even in a hospital under suicide watch.

What you’ve said is appalling. How the bloody hell do you think she’d feel if the child took his life or self harmed at ANY time, even at his own mothers or sectioned in a mental hospital .

classic bit of emotional blackmail.

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Oh behave, nowhere have I said she is responsible at all times but what I have said is if a child needs support, then choosing a coffee with a friend over staying home and being available to help is a bit selfish imo. Personally I'd feel terrible if I could have been around and chose not to be and something happened, I think most people would. I have absolutely no reason to 'emotionally blackmail' the OP, I don't even know her. I have simply given my opinion on a post asking for opinions.

Conniebygaslight · 15/04/2024 06:41

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 15:29

Why did you assume responsibility of your DSS above his actual father?

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I didn’t assume responsibility over his actual father. I assumed responsibility along with him. My DH is a great dad to all our children including my DSS. I treat my DSS as close to my own DC as much as I can. As a result we are very close and even though DSS has bought his own home and no longer lives with us he and his GF are very much a part of our lives.

StormingNorman · 15/04/2024 06:53

VeryHappyBunny · 14/04/2024 23:59

All of these people who would happily give up their time to care for a mentally ill person with suicidal tendencies should try it sometime. A few years ago I was called in the middle of the night by an acquaintance who was threatening to end it all and I went round. It was a very scary experience and not one I am in a hurry to repeat. This was a grown woman and I was not really responsible for any outcome. To cut a long story short, after calling a variety of agencies (it was the Sunday night of a bank holiday weekend) to no avail, I ended up calling 999 for an ambulance. This all took only about 2-3 hours and was an horrendous experience. To be asked to be responsible for the 16 year old son of your partner for an entire day is unreasonable. I haven't seen if his violent tendances are directed only towards himself or towards others as well but if he was to become agitated and attacked her (or her friend if she came round for coffee, or any member of the public if she took him out for the day) both "helpful suggestions" from posters who have no experience or idea about any of this, who would take responsibility then? Youngsters with some forms of mental health problems seem to have a greater physical strength than you might expect and if he suddenly turned violent there is nothing the average woman could do about it.
It is very easy to pontificate about a subject and a situation that you have very little likelihood of ever finding yourself in so instead of vilifying someone who is in an awful situation, just be grateful that its not you and try giving a bit of support instead.

You not wanting to be in that position again doesn’t mean others wouldn’t help even at risk to themselves.

Saying people “should try it sometime” is so disrespectful to the many people who have shared their stories of losing children and other people close to them. If you are going to make sweeping judgements about posters, your really need to RTFT.

Also bear in mind this is the AIBU board and the OP asking if she was BU to not want to give up her day off. She is literally asking for opinions.

thepastinsidethepresent · 15/04/2024 08:23

Also bear in mind this is the AIBU board and the OP asking if she was BU to not want to give up her day off. She is literally asking for opinions.

Except that at this point she probably feels like she's been hounded off her own thread by the empathy-bypass brigade.

PenguinLord · 15/04/2024 11:52

MyBreezyPombear · 15/04/2024 00:13

I think that judging by a lot of the comments, quite a few of us have been in a similar situation. I have multiple times and would do it again for a stranger let alone a loved one.

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Why don't you offer to do it for OP's DSS then?

VeryHappyBunny · 15/04/2024 11:59

She is literally asking for opinions, not to be slagged off. I don't remember her saying she WOULDN'T give up her day off, just that she didn't want to. Lots of us end up doing things we would rather not. Remember she was happy for him to live with her and her partner when his own biological mother didn't want him anymore. I just think that you should give her a break. Maybe she doesn't feel equipped to cope with the situation and is concerned about the ramifications if something went wrong. A lot of people who commit suicide do it secretively and as it is impossible to monitor someone for every second of every day there are potentially dozens of opportunities to carry it out. A visit to the bathroom for example, she can hardly follow him in there!

In the month the boy has been living with them her life has been turned upside down to the extent that her partner spends all night with him, leaving her on her own. I don't imagine she envisaged that when he moved in. Does she have children of her own or experience other than this. If not, a suicidal teenager is a pretty brutal introduction to parenthood.