To not want to give up my day off?

[justbecool25]

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

Mum may well be happy to sit with him. Dad hasn’t asked.

No. As I said earlier it's primarily the responsibility of the parents.

I'm shocked that anyone would prioritise a coffee potentially over a child's life. I'd imagine an overwhelming majority of people would be shocked at that.

No, the dad decided arbitrarily that the mum will not be involved.

Perhaps his mother was at the point of complete overwhelm and on the verge of a breakdown when she told her ex she couldn't cope. Seems likely don't you think??

The mother needs to be told of what's going on. She might want him home, she might insist on going over, who knows, but why are you putting his on the MOTHER, instead of the FATHER who has only had him living with him for a month?

I always say this, but every time I hear of a woman/mother going missing and no foul play was suspected I always say that I bet she was telling everyone for a long time she wasn't coping and I bet she was crying out for support and help and no one listened so she was left with no choice but to just disappear for a bit or worse.

We don’t know it was an arbitrary decision because the mother-son dynamic is one of the many things we don’t have clarity around.

Mum’s living set up, why she couldn’t cope, what not coping looked like, mum’s MH now, the state of her relationship with DS, whether DS wants mum involved, the specific circumstances that led to DS moving out of his mum’s.

All these factors play into Dad’s decision making and we don’t know anything about them. So we can’t judge his decision.

But we know he made a decision that OP needs to be an emergency carer of his son as he finds time for having fun himself and deprived her off the opportunity, and prioritises his work over his child when he may have been a ble to move the office visit for another day.

No idea as there’s a whole story about this but clearly this teenager is going through a hard time. Sadly the dad won’t be able to have all the time off to support him so if I could help and stay home then I would.
It’s a shame that op has booked leave and it’s fallen on the day the dad needs to go into work but I’d still be there. I’d never forgive myself if I went for coffee and something happened .

But that’s got nothing to do with his deciding Mum isn’t in a position to keep their son safe. And it’s quite flippant to suggest a father in this situation is making any decisions without thoroughly thinking through what’s best for his son.

Decision 1: mums not up to it

Decision 2: who is?

Seems DP has landed on OP but right at the start I raised the availability of DS’s wider family as a possible source of care.

DP probably asked OP because as she is his partner, she is his go to for any sort of help. My first port of call for help would be my DH in almost any situation.

I’m still wondering what he does when he has to go in to the office and op is at work.
This just sounds like a random day off OP has got and not a permanent one every week so it’s not like they have a routine where op looks after dss every time his dad has to go in work. So what does the dad actually do on those days he has to go in?

I wonder if dss goes to his mum’s on those days and his dad prefers him not to, so tried to grab the opportunity to avoid dss having to go this time. Which of course is very selfish on his part as op is very deserving of a coffee with a friend every once in a while.

The son has only lived with them for a month, the dad only goes to the office once a month and the suicidal thoughts have only started again a few days ago so it sounds like this is the first time it came up.

But you cant guarantee that ther decision is not selfish and that the mum could be perfectly able to look after the child for a day, can you?
We have OP who sacrifices her weekends to sit with the child and now has to give up yet another and rare free day because of duties that beloing to her partner to a child that is not hers- while he gets free time he is not giving up on funnily enough- neither does he change his work schedule.
If he is planning to alienate OP, he is well on her way. People piling in on the OP are pretty horrible I find, she is doing her share already.

Hopefully that is the case and mum is still involved and maybe OP will clarify.

My point was more that he has only being living with OP for a month and only for the last few days has DSS been in crisis so in the sudden deterioration of his MH it now becomes a conversation of who/what can be done to help. DP was probably able to go to the office and leave his son alone once a month before but now he feels suicidal and so DP was probably looking for a solution as he knew he was booked in to go to work. Yes he could call in but probably knows he’s in a lucky place with WFH 99.9% of the time so is trying to make it in so they don’t suddenly want him in the office more.

Are you seriously saying who should be caring for a minor, if something happens doesn’t matter?

and what happens if in between checking on him he does something? Because that’s what his dad expects. Periodically checking on him. Should that be on Ops shoulders? How would the mum feel finding out that no one told her that he needed someone to sit with him and the father decided it should be his girlfriend and didn’t tell the mother.

How would you feel if it was your child and them killed themselves and then you find out it was on your exs girlfriends watch. And she was only watching him because no one told you he needed watching? Your ex didn’t trust YOU to watch him. Despite having majority care for years.

The child has 2 parents. Of course it matters if they are defaulting to someone else for watching over a suicidal minor.

Why would you do it? Why wouldn’t involve the mother? Why would you take that huge responsibility and cancel your plans when the child’s father doesn’t cancel his own?

I don’t know whether the mum is capable of looking after her child. I just said up thread that we know nothing about the mother-son dynamic. BUT mum shouldn’t be getting stick for not pulling her weight if she’s not being involved in the conversations about what care is needed. Lots of people have been projecting their outrage at OP being asked to help onto Mum and questioning her whereabouts but we know almost nothing about her and her relationship with her son. These are dad’s decision to exclude mum and ask OP to step in.

@Itsonlymashadow I would take the responsibility, any and all responsibility if the other alternative is potentially a dead child.

But I am not criticising Mum nr OP. I am criticising the Dad who imposes a serious duty of care on OP while benefiting of something he takes away from her- a free day to spend with friends.

But that’s not the only outcomes or choices available is it?

It’s not Op must look after him or he kills himself. Why would you be the first choice?

Theres many options. And if Op said no, on this occasion, and the father leaves him alone that would be the fathers choice. That wouldn’t be on the Op.

Sadly, checking on him periodically isn’t going to stop him doing it either. My friend was alone in the bathroom having a shower for 15 mins, before her dad knocked to see if she was ok. He knocked because she was also having similar thought. Unfortunately she was dead when he broke the door down.

What’s the consequences there? What if he doesn’t something while in Ops care? What’s the fall out in that situation? Do you think Op isn’t going to feel responsible then? Or the dp or ten mother feel she is responsible?

and you didn’t answer how would you feel if the worst happened and you were the mother? or why there’s more responsibility for this child on the Op than there is on their mother.

DP feels perfectly happy to go to football on a Saturday and leave OP to look after DSS though. Funnily enough his sons’ mental health problems don’t seem to impact on his own leisure time. Or did you miss that bit ?

There’s clearly an ongoing need because OP says she looks after DSS on Saturdays while DP goes to football, so his mental health problems are seemingly so severe that he can’t be left alone.

@Itsonlymashadow I'm not saying OP has more responsibility for her DSS. It's quite clear those responsibilities should lie with his own mum and dad. But neither of them are stepping up and whilst it shouldn't fall to OP to bridge that gap, it clearly is in this instance. I can only speak to what I'd do in the situation and for my part, if there was any chance a child would come to harm because I'd chosen to go out and leave them unsupervised then I wouldn't do it. The family is at crisis point with DSS's mental health. That's the priority at this stage. Ironing out all the difficulties in terms of who is responsible and when is secondary.

Both Dad and OP need breaks away from son as the resident parent and parent figure.

But it’s difficult to evaluate their respective ‘me’ time because again we have no clarity around how long football lasts every other week. A day traipsing to a big team and having a few drinks with the boys after is very different to visiting the local team to watch the match and drive home right after. We also know that dad is on 24hoir watch so doesn’t seem to pass too much of the caring to OP other than the football and this odd day which seems to be exceptional.

We don’t know at all what time OP gets to herself as she hasn’t said. She may have plenty of free time, in which case DP didn’t think it was a big ask and didn’t see it as taking something away.

There are so many holes in what we know it is very difficult to evaluate any unreasonableness.

Christ. Read your post back. Poor kid.

I didn't read it that way and thought she was more just spending time with him or choosing to stay home rather than he wasn't allowed to be left alone.

So, just to clarify, no need for the boy's actual parents to feel bad about their lack of availability? Just OP? Righty ho then.

🙄

@thepastinsidethepresent The post isn’t about them though is it ?? Try reading it again.