To not want to give up my day off?

[justbecool25]

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

I wonder does the mother know that the sons mental health has deteriorated again?

I wonder if the dad was feeling a bit smug that the son was feeling a bit better now that the child was living with him than when he was with the mother.

(Smug is probably not the right word for such a serious upsetting situation but I have brain fog right now so I hope you can understand my point regardless)

And so he doesn't want to tell the mother that within a few weeks the son has really deteriorated?

It just seems so odd to me that she had full time care for years when her son suffered mentally, and it was only when the mum said she couldn't cope with it that the son moved in with him and now he's saying he doesn't trust her.

It does kind of come across like maybe he's trying to make out he's the better, more responsible parent than the mother.

I'm a SM and usually firmly on the side of those in that often thankless role. The first wives club on here tie themselves in knots to criticise SMs.

But fuck me @justbecool25 you're really prioritising one day of wandering around the shops and getting a coffee over your DSS mental health? I'm genuinely gobsmacked. I cannot understand why you wouldn't want to give DP a break and DSS your support. Time for some self-reflection I think because if this isn't a situation in which you step up, a relationship with a parent may not actually be for you...

@harriethoyle but she DOES give him a break most Saturdays when he goes off to play football with mates, and the one day she has to herself she has to babysit again. She has stepped up and the child has a mother that has been taking good care of them for a few years now.

Football ? Football !!! please don't tell me I read the word football in an update where stepmum cares for partner's son ?

wow !

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday

why does he HAVE to? Surely if his son is having a mental health crisis that comes first? I have to do a meeting once a month in my office but if I had a situation like this I could change the day or do it from home, no question.

If his employer is so unreasonable he needs a different job.

I don't think I'd want to be left in charge of him anyway. What happens if something happens while the OP is watching him? Is she meant to go to the toilet with him, for example?

Baffling isn’t it?!

Would you really?

As I said in my post above, it's a heck of a responsibility - effectively being on suicide watch. I don't think many people posting here about how selfish the OP is are remotely prepared for what it would involve. No way would I do it, not on my own anyway.

It’s amazing that people keep walking past this!

@parkrun500club I absolutely would. Having been in the position myself I wouldn't think twice about it. I understand how big an undertaking it is. And how draining and exhausting it is. I also understand that for some people that supervision is the difference between life and death so I wouldn't hesitate to sacrifice a coffee date, nor any other pre planned event to ensure that someone remained alive.

But OP has already done it many times, does she have to sacrifice every breathing moment for the child who has a mother and a father who dont seem to be prioritising their own kid (well, the dad isnt, we know nothing about the mum aside from the dad being self righteous and deciding OP is the better person here, nice of him and most of the posters to dispose of her time like that).

To those saying cancel the outing: what if he is like this for months? Years? He is not receiving any medication or treatment. So does the OP have to put her own life on hold indefinitely? Use all her precious annual leave on babysitting her stepson?

What happens when it's DH's in-office day and OP hasn't booked leave?

OP it's a really difficult one. I would ask DH what he would do if you hadn't booked the day off and why he can't implement that plan. If there's no alternative then I would see if I could rearrange the friend just this once, but if the only other day she can make happens to clash with football, then he'll just have to miss the game.

This makes no sense.

The mother had majority care for years but the father doesn’t trust her to keep an eye on him.

The boy doesn’t need someone with him all the time but needs someone to check on him time to time. And the mother who had majority care for most of his life now can’t be trusted to have him at hers and check in, on whatever room he is in. Really?

i would really be interested to know if the dp went football this weekend. If it wasn’t the weekend for the home game, will he be going this week?

So OP misses out on seeing her friend on the one day she has off, while DP gets to go to football on Saturdays while OP looks after DSS. And you think she’s the one who needs to self reflect ? And the only reason DP asked her to look after DSS is that he doesn’t want to ask his ex. What would he have done if OP was at work ?

p

@PenguinLord All I can say in response to that is that I'd personally do it for as long and as often as was necessary to keep someone alive. Should mum and dad be stepping up? Absolutely. In an ideal world OP wouldn't be in the situation she's in, nor would her DSS. But I would never leave someone at risk purely because it wasn't considered my place to be the one keeping them safe.

What she said.

What did you end up doing, OP?

I think asking your DSS' father to find another solution is completely reasonable. You didn't book annual leave to babysit for him, whatever the reason might be. I think people are quick to jump your throat because its a young person and not a small child, and because suicide and mental health crisis is involved.

What if it had been your DP's 6-year-old from a previous relationship coming down with a bug and needing to stay home from school? I'm sure people would tell you to prioritize your annual leave and have the parents sort their own child care.

I'm sure your DP can come up with another solution if he needs to. And as others have pointed out, you do give him breaks.

I'm a bit curious. Let us know how it turned out?

But she wouldn’t be.

If op said no surely the Dp would ask his Ex, the child’s mother. If she said no he would take the day off.

If Op wait no, she wouldn’t be leaving him alone. If he was left alone, the father would be the one choosing to do it.

@Itsonlymashadow would it matter whose choice it was if her DSS ended up dead? I can't speak for OP, I can only say that for me personally if I was able to keep him safe, I'd do it, irrespective of whether it was seen as my obligation to do so or not.

It's not months or years though. That would be a different situation.

It would be one thing saying she didn't want to do it because the responsibility was too much, it's another when it's just because she has plans with a friend. It will come across as very cold and unfeeling, no point in saying that it won't because it will.

If I was in this position and asked my partner to watch my child when they felt that way and he said no he was going out with his mates then the relationship wouldn't recover. Again no point in saying that this is something that you can say no to without there being consequences.

Where is mum? She's just abandoned him completely?

@IgnoranceNotOk

SS doesn’t want to be with mum - he’s only been there for a month too so I doubt OP has been put upon too much especially if she thinks the priority is coffee.
He doesn't want to LIVE with mum. That doesn't mean the mum has no role at all. Mum can come over and sit with him ffs

Dad hasn’t asked mum. She hasn’t abandoned him. She may not even know all this is going on.

Ffs you admit you don't watch him every minute. Just he in the house and check in on him. His MOTHER can do this. Why is everyone expecting you to do what his mother should he doing.

OP didn't say he doesn't want to live with his mum.
She said that the mum couldn't cope with the son struggling so that's why the son went to live with them. That's after 3 years of ongoing issues.
She said the son said he felt a bit better having his own space and in the quieter house yet now he has deteriorated after a few weeks.

Right now there are too many unknowns and OP isn’t clarifying anything so nobody knows much about their family dynamics, the deal with Mum, who gets what time to themselves and how OP feels about the situation.