To not want to give up my day off?

[justbecool25]

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

No, his current state of mind may be just a crisis, as opposed to the new normal. He had been doing well for a while and the suicidal thoughts only started again a few nights ago.

The OP said that when they brought him to A&E in the past that nothing was done and it just creates more anxiety.

Presumably if the SS was in the OPs care and the situation escalated beyond what it is now then the OP will tell the DP that and he will advise what to do or come home.

Right now OP and DP are actually being sucked in to full time crisis care for the SS
Yes, that can happen as a parent, or stepparent.

It is not sustainable to treat it as a “just this once” event.

That statement makes no sense.

This is to say that the DP needs a sustainable system in which OP is not stepping in for him. This will cause some friction and disappointment in the short run but long term it is better for all parties as it takes care/failure to care of op to ss off the table as a point of conflict.

If you believe that that will be better long term then you live in fantasy land. Not many people would forgive or forget that, they would feel deeply hurt by it and think that their partner didn't give a shit about their child. Whether that was true or not wouldn't matter because that is how most would feel in their head.

And yet that same husband is swanning off to play football on Saturdays ? The same husband who won’t call work to get a day off to care for his son in crisis? The same husband who has decided, despite ALL medical advice, to not take someone with active suicide ideation to A&E immedately?

Not to get dragged into this petty sideline but the OP’s question isn’t about this at all. This is a seemingly acute phase of a chronic situation. DP may have been able to go to football every two weeks previously but now will gave to sacrifice it. But this isn’t a tit for tat situation. It is a family crisis which needs long term solutions which must include rest and respite for OP and DP.

You're deliberately being obtuse,
People are quite clearly saying they'd do it for a stranger, so of course it would go without saying that they'd do it for a stepchild.

I think some posters would do well to realise that people who have direct experience in this may be responding in an emotional way as it is so horrific to go through.

If you believe that that will be better long term then you live in fantasy land. Not many people would forgive or forget that, they would feel deeply hurt by it and think that their partner didn't give a shit about their child. Whether that was true or not wouldn't matter because that is how most would feel in their head.

No I don’t live in a fantasy land. I live in the real world where every adult caregiver for a mentally ill child has to learn to manage their resources carefully. Or they lose lovers, partners, siblings, and spouses when they can’t manage the infinite demands their child places on them. You see this all the time!

I'm guessing that his dad has tried to get time off work & can't, in which case I'd do it as an emergency this time.

I think he needs to take his son to A&E in future if this is what is advised though.

OP - it's a hard one but I don't feel you are been unreasonable! Moving forward they need to get some help. No one can be with him 24 /7. Maybe your husband can explain the Sirius too at work! I also think he would prefer his mum or dad.

You're a charmer, aren't you?

He goes every 2 weeks to home games. The OP hasn't said that she has an issue with it, and as the current crisis only started a few days ago he probably hasn't went when this has been ongoing.

She said he goes to the office one day a month, and the day changes every month so it's possibly very important to go in so as he knew the OP was on annual leave he asked her, if not then surely he would have stayed at home.

Also medical advice says to go to A&E but that doesn't mean it's the best option, OP said they have done that in the past and it makes the anxiety worse.
In my local town there is a river where volunteers patrol it all night long to try to prevent people committing suicide.

I would say that half of the people they rescue are people who have literally just come from A&E, got no help there and then make the 5 minute journey to the river.

Same, and I don’t even have kids, but I quite like people staying alive

Yes and if the partners offered zero support or help at all then the relationships would end anyway for that reason. People won't forgive or forget that and will take it that their partner didn't give a shit about them or their child. Trying to pretend otherwise and saying that refusing to step in ever will remove the issue as a point of conflict is just complete fantasy talk, its far more likely to damage the relationship beyond repair and create deep hurt and resentment that will last forever, even if the person with mental health issues recovers fully and the burden on the family is no longer there.

@justbecool25

I think 🤔 if his mum is not able to or doesn't want to,
Could your stepson come to the coffee ☕️ meet up too?

Or

Could come over to your place and have a cuppa an catch up there instead,
if its nice day nice day Could sit in garden too if you have one ?

It's far too much of a risk step son being left alone for a while

Yes l agree with this. Could you meet your friend ine evening instead op?

Your partner has asked for support because he trusts you and doesn’t trust his ex. Ask your friend to come round to yours.

But should the pressure be put on OP just because the partner does not 'trust' his ex- and we dont even know the reason for that, maybe he's creating the situation where he is trying to take on too much on hismelf but has no means to actually do so.

Can friend not come to you and have a coffee and catch up?

Normally I’d say go and ignore DSS but not this time. He’s a young man who has massive needs. I would be doing this for your partner as much as DSS.

The child was living with the ex from 13 when these problems started, he's 16 and only moved in with the dad in the past month after the mother said she couldn't cope with him struggling.....so it does seem very odd that he's saying he doesn't trust the ex because she has younger kids to mind.

Haven't RTFT but if a stranger off the street said he was suicidal and could I stay with him for a few hours I'd raincheck a coffee- or at least I'd invite the coffee friend over to my house.

Here’s an idea couldn't you use your day off to take your stepson somewhere nice instead. You know that may help his mental state. Why wouldn’t you want to support your husband so he can go work
relaxed knowing his son is ok.

To me it seems the dad is either having a bad relationship with ex and tries to create a chasm between the child and the ex, or is a helicopter parent who wants to do it all but then not at the cost of his own free time, so gets a free childcare aka OP by guilt tripping her to give up her weekends and holidays to do something he should be doing himself.
OP, Id get the mum involved.

For people who say 'invite your friend' - the best thing in the world is havind a drink with a mate and a 16 yo in tow who I bet is extatic to sit listening to adult conversations. As a one off, Id do it of course, but end of football Saturdays for the dad.

An idea- OP may want to spend the day doing something ncie for herself after giving up most of her weekends to babysit the child anyways. Maybe you could volunteer your time take them out instead?

Assuming that her partner is able to take the day off work - in theory he should but we don't know the importance (to his job) of going in

Why wouldn't the boy's own parents want to step up and do more to try and help their own son's mental health? I'd have thought that was a far more relevant question.

I would sacrifice any social event to safeguard someone who is actively suicidal, no matter who they were. I wouldn't give it a second thought. I'm surprised that it's even a question to be honest. I couldn't live with myself if I was the reason they were left alone and acted on their suicidal feelings.