To not want to give up my day off?

[justbecool25]

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

I just think people who have walked in OP and her DP’s shoes deserve some compassion and respect for their opinions. The rest of us can learn from them.

You are somewhat making this thread about you.

No issues with swearing but your martyrdom is at odds with your potty mouth.

Yes, it is at fault

but I will pick you up again on “ The OP however hasn’t said that she’s been asked to care for him alone for a significant amount of time or become the solitary caregiver.”

The op IS already feeling the impact. It is already defining her life as it is defining her husbands. Her husband is sleeping apart form her, he is not sleeping properly, she’s already solely responsible for son on football days. This WILL be all too dominant in their lives. Going to work will be about the only place to get respite as it was with me. She’s already in this position 24/7. .

every second this teen is in her/dh care, this will be constantly on both their minds. It will determine what they can and can’t do even when together, it will put all their future plans on hold, stop them taking leave in “case” it’s needed, etc etc etc. sleep is about the only time it will not be lurking in your thoughts. It sucks the joy and spontaneity out of life.

all the while it was joint visiting, both mum and Op/dh DID get some respite. A chance to hand over responsisiblty and the worry for a short time. Dh has made a bad decision to take on sole care and effectively drag OP into this 24/7 so his ex can ditch her responsibilities to her still dependant son. He is 16, not an adult yet, and she has responsibilities. If she cannot cope she should be raising that with social services. Urgently.

This is not an emergency although it feels like one: this is DP and his son’s new normal.

DP is acting like a kind of emotional regulatory support animal for SS. There is nothing wrong with that but it is highly problematic to land OP with that role. She can’t make decisions for SS, she isn’t really in loco parentis. DP has made the decision to take SS’s suicidal ideation seriously but not literally—that is what not taking him to A and E means. Is DP and SS mother ok with OP deciding whether or not to take SS to a and e if she feels she can’t risk keeping him at home? Or does she have to argue and plead with SS and then go call the real parents for permission to hospitalize him?

This is a crazy level of responsibility without authority that the DP is putting on OP. What happens if the SS refuses help or self harms while with OP?

To me the issue isn’t only this day out or that day out. DP needs to think clearly about his role as chief caregiver and access OP as support for himself, not as support for SS. Because they will both burn out as SS’s caregiver.

Right now OP and DP are actually being sucked in to full time crisis care for the SS. OP is already sacrificing privacy, intimacy, calm, freedom for SS snd DP. This is a chronic situation which is draining for both OP And Dp. It is not sustainable to treat it as a “just this once” event. It is constant snd will lead to system collapse.

If this is an acute crisis the DP should call in sick and not go to work. Or tell work he needs to WFH. Or look for a day program for SS. Or hire a day nurse to come in and watch him.

This is to say that the DP needs a sustainable system in which OP is not stepping in for him. This will cause some friction and disappointment in the short run but long term it is better for all parties as it takes care/failure to care of op to ss off the table as a point of conflict.

Cross posted with @Dartwarbler with whom I agree!

I don’t like football, but the DP seems to prioritise it above his son’s wellbeing.

And yet OP is vilified for wanting to stick to her plans to go shopping with a friend on her day off.

You keep popping up for more attention, Didimum. Really bizarre.

It’s one day do look after someone you love? So he doesn’t come to harm. Invite your friend over for coffee? I can’t believe you’re even asking.

I was about to say same thing…😉

we’ve obviously both been there ….😢

I should stress that this should be checked out with your local CAMHS, as policies can and do vary: however.

In our area, CAMHS can't prescribe unless a child or young person is also in some form of talking therapy. The waiting list for that is at least a year for the most urgent of cases - those where the C or YP seems likely to imminently attempt serious harm, or where they are losing touch with reality. Meds appointments are in theory easier to secure, because they are less time intensive, but again - can't offer meds without talking care, so the wait for the meds becomes just as long as they have to be done in tandem.

This policy isn't to be an arse. It's actually well-founded: it's because very depressed kids reach a point when the mood starts to improve when the apathy and lethargy of depression lift before the pain and distress do, and this can be really dangerous as the child still has the motive to really harm themselves, but now also has the executive function and energy to do so, which they probably didn't at their lowest.

If you can possibly, possibly afford it (and if this has gone on long enough, perhaps you could apply for DLA or PIP as clearly he needs much more care than the average kid this age, including through the night) a way around this might be to pay for counselling with someone who is properly qualified, properly supervised, and registered with a professional body - again, check with CAMHS in your area, but this might satisfy that requirement and you might get help sooner in the meds front, too. You can look for someone who is in private practice, but also works for CAMHS, in fact (I think using NHS staff in private practice is generally wiser - the NHS do check people out and have minimum standards, so it offers a bit more reassurance).

This has meant some kids with EHCPs, which fund emotional care that tick those boxes, have had meds care via CAMHS in reasonable timeframes.

I'm so sorry this is where you are. CAMHS has never been well funded, but right now it is in a truly terrible state. I feel for the staff working within it as well as the families affected. And the adult service isn't doing any better either.

No advice on what to do. I just send sympathy and solidarity. Too many families are in your situation.

As I said earlier it's not martyrdom at all. Your coldness is worse than any swearing in my opinion.

Anyway I'm off now, I feel you've taken over the thread with your posts.

Before I go, any thoughts on the football? You never said.

Fuck.

I think on this occasion I would stay home with DSS. Although he has two parents, it's obviously enormously stressful for them taking care of him as he is at the moment, and if you can support him/them, it makes a big difference to all of them. It sounds like you are already very supportive so I get that you would not want to give up spending time with friends, so I would do it as a one-off, but make it clear you do need to ring fence time for yourself and can't do it regularly.

It's not really fair to say a child's life is worth more than coffee. Of course it is, but we all know how important it is to look after your own wellbeing when you have caring responsibilities. When I've been through hard times, going for a coffee with a close friend has been the highlight of my week and has really helped me; it's emotional support and everything else friendships give you. I'd put it above most things, including exercise, as having a positive impact on my wellbeing.

I’M popping up for attention? Goodness me. You’ve commandeered more attention on yourself on this thread than anyone else, for hours. All because of your invented narrative on when and why he attends football games.

Sorry but ‘If even just a friend asked this of me I would do it in a heartbeat’ reeks of martyrdom.

Maybe hand your phone number to OP to pass to her DP or dial back the martyrdom.

And when you do speak to the DP to discuss rotas, get his views on the football, he loves it so.

You are popping up, because our discussion seemed to conclude a while ago and here you are again, like a whack a mole.

Do also want to say that I agree with @Dartwarbler and @pikkumyy77 .

This is a lot of families' lives. It's not a one off. It's their present normal. And the OP's mental health has value and importance, too.

Oh, does it conclude because you say it does? I am allowed to let whatever time I like to elapse between my responses.

No- one, I repeat no-one is responsible for another person self harming or ending their life.
That is their decision.
most people realise that no matter how carefully someone is protected or watched over, a person who is intent on suicide will succeed in taking their lives. Even in a hospital under suicide watch.

What you’ve said is appalling. How the bloody hell do you think she’d feel if the child took his life or self harmed at ANY time, even at his own mothers or sectioned in a mental hospital .

classic bit of emotional blackmail.

That doesn’t stop his actual parent from playing football every week though. What do you have to say about that?

You already responded to me, I ignored you. And here you are again, yet you say I’m wanting attention.

Exactly.

Maybe I am sensitive to it as I have experience of that in my own family. If I could help prevent that happening to another child then yes pass on my number.

Ah @bellezarara I think you're crossing lines now. Above is what that poster originally replied to your comment about giving her number to OP. So I think a bit of understanding of their position wouldn't go a miss.

OP this sounds like a really difficult situation and I hope your SS and whole family are able to get the support needed 💐

What? This is just plain bizarre.

@justbecool25

As far as the issue of whether or not should should put your DSS's wellbeing ahead of meeting a friend, yes, I think you should. Normally I'd be the first to shout "But he's got TWO parents", but in this case I think I'd make an exception. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but this is a situation where this young man's life may be at stake. I have been through this with a nephew and we all gave up quite a lot of our free time to see that he was safe and watched over. Luckily, we were able to get him the help he needed via a '5150' (US) which got the ball rolling for MH services.

So, your DH doesn't feel DSS's mum is capable watching him adequately? What is your opinion? Do you feel she would? Because if you truly do feel that way (and DSS is comfortable with it) I'd overrule him and contact the mum.

I'd tell your DH that you will give up your day off with your friend when he gives up going to the football. After all, which does he consider more important? His son's well being or a fucking football match, and I say this as a rabid (baseball) LA Dodgers fan. But I'd give up every home game if it meant that my son knew that I cared enough to give up my 'team' to keep him safe.

I think people know very well they won’t be expected to care for a stranger’s child, but it lets them guilt trip step-mum into sacrificing her leisure time whilst the dad keeps his.

I'd tell your DH that you will give up your day off with your friend when he gives up going to the football. After all, which does he consider more important? His son's well being or a fucking football match

Amen.