To not want to give up my day off?

[justbecool25]

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

Yabu, how would you feel I'd you go for coffee and something happens? When you blend a family you take on everything that comes with that which includes supporting your SC in the same way as you would your own. Dh and I share the responsibility for our DC and base it on who is free, not just focusing on our own kids. They are 16 and need love a d support. Surely your friend could just come for coffee at yours and you can shop online this once??

I think you’re being somewhat disingenuous. You have said in OP’s shoes you would sacrifice your day off and that partners should support each other.

And as you haven’t said the DP should support OP by making other arrangements so OP can enjoy her day off with her friend, it’s reasonable to deduce that you think the DP needs a break but OP doesn’t.

You also said that the son’s acute MH issues started a few days ago, implying OP doesn’t have much to complain about.

I can’t believe your DP has put you in this position without even asking your SS DM!
It’s draining and terrifying living with a depressed suicidal teenager! This shouldn’t be on you OP, this is for his parents to deal with. I know when my DS was going through this the only person he wanted was me, his mum.

OP - what would DP have done about work if you hadn't have happened to have annual leave booked?
Is DSS's Mum able to have him? (I know DP hasn't asked, but does she work on Mondays?)

If there isn't an alternative then I think you should perhaps try and rearrange on this 1 occasion, or have your friend round to your house - DP can miss football one week and you can take the time instead. However it is not unreasonable to expect DP to ask the child's mum to look after him on this occasion.

If the boy needs constant supervision, I think his parents should sort out between themselves who does it. Especially since they are the most likely candidates to have messed up his head in the first place.

I’m a step-mum and when my DSS moved in with us permanently aged 16 after to-ing & fro-ing with his mum constantly kicking him out it was a major adjustment but I assumed responsibility for him. I certainly would cancel coffee just as I would cancel anything if any of my DC needed me and I have done many times.

My daughter has a history of mental health issues and a few years ago she was suicidal and had to spend some time in a mental health hospital for her own safety. I would not wish on my worst enemy having to hear your own child crying and saying, 'if you loved me you'd let me die.' Your partner must be going through hell and you want to go for coffee. Shame on you

This is unfair. DP goes to football every Saturday leaving DS. DP hasn’t even asked the child’s mother to look after him. I’ve been in the position of listening to my child crying and saying he wishes he was dead. I would not under any circumstances put this on another person!!

Based on what you said you are being unreasonable. He is a very vulnerable teenager, is there a safety plan in place? If not id suggest that for a period the adults in his life should be on a rota to ensure he is not left alone (including his mother who needs to be more involved) this may mean that you need to give up some of your free time for a while.

Incorrect, I’m afraid. My sole issue in response to you is that insofar the football has no link to OP’s problem. I not saying it isn’t a problem, I am saying we do not know if it is a problem, because nowhere does OP either say or suggest it is.

You do seem to have a very significant issue with the football. It is unclear as to why, unless it’s due to your own conceptions.

What I would personally do is an opinion based solely on what information OP has provided. More information may chance that opinion, but OP has not provided it or suggested it.

My son tried to kill himself aged 12. Hospital patched him up physically, camhs assessed him and then discharged him. There was zero help. He's nearly 16 now. Please look after your step son. A child's life is so much more important than coffee. I know it's annoying being restricted like that. I've been there.

SS is 16, not six. Has anyone asked him what he wants?

If he can't go to school, could he accompany you - go to a movie or visit the library if he is up for it? You still get to see your friend and he gets out of the house for a few hours (I appreciate this might not be possible, depending on his mental health that day.)

Why did you assume responsibility of your DSS above his actual father?

Can a man really be going through hell when he swans off to football and leaves his son with OP? Shame on you for continuing the onslaught of guilt trips on to the OP.

Is a child’s life also more important than his dad’s football?

You're getting a lot of stick here but I feel for you. I would also worry that this was mission creep. It is a very sad situation and I think that your gut is possibly telling you to run. At the end of the day, this boy is not really your responsibility. This is on his parents. It isn't just about this one coffee, this could be the start of both your DP and his ex using you as the stopgap all the time. I'll be frank that this is why I would never date a man who had kids: I have no desire to have children and even less to look after someone else's. I really think that your partner should tell his ex that she needs to step in. Why should she get to step away from her responsibilities?

I understand you don't want to give up your day off, but I cannot imagine choosing coffee with a friend in this situation myself. If a child is suicidal you feel (as a parent) beside yourself. I could cost you your whole relationship.

@bellezarara You’re not the thought police. You are jumping on everyone including people who have been in this exact situation with their children.

He's 16. Take him with you. Fresh air and a change of scenery will do him good. Buy him a cake and a hot chocolate, he could probably use a good sugar boost to cheer him up. And it might make him feel a bit better to know that you like him enough to take him out and treat him. Seems like a win-win to me! ☕🍩🍦

Don't waste your breath. This poster is actually attacking parents who's children have attempted suicide. Awful.

But you seem to have appointed yourself thread police.

Ah… I hadn’t understood that you’re on annual leave. That’s a tricky one—I think Mum needs to step in here, and it is a bit unreasonable of DP to expect you to use your annual leave to babysit his son whilst he’s at work. I’d be tempted to insist that DSS joined me on my outing if Dad and Mum can’t work something out.

Someone disagreeing with you is not attacking you. You are the one littering your posts with ‘fucking’ and ‘wtf’, have a word with yourself.

It's quite funny you think swearing is worse than your behaviour on this thread.

Fuckety fuck fuck.

Hey @bellezarara, have you mentioned the football yet? What do you think about the football? Do you like football? Do you think other people like football? What do you think we should think about football?