To not want to give up my day off?

[justbecool25]

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

You do not get to ascribe an added/different meaning to that to suit your own agenda.

And you do not get to tell me what I interpret from OP’s posts.

I did not say anyone had told me I can’t respond. I am simply telling you I will respond, regardless of you finding it odd or not.

Why are you me telling though? That’s seriously batshit. Post what you like, I don’t own the forum. I have never told you you can’t respond. I will refuse to engage with you if you make personal attacks but you haven’t yet.

The OP mentioned the football in response to another poster who accused her of not caring about her step son. It was her evidence of caring about her step son.

Again, you can’t have it both ways. You seem to want to say that the DP is burnt out and needs the Saturday football break and for OP to cancel her annual leave but also simultaneously that none of this is a big deal as it’s only been happening for a few nights.

Make your mind up.

I get where the YABUs are coming from, but I think some posters are being way too harsh considering OP is asking if she's BU for not wanting to give up her day off. Of course that in itself isn't unreasonable. She hasn't actually gone for her day out and left her SS alone.

He's obviously going through a terrible time, but OP and the boy's dad are providing the support he needs (or as much of it as they can, given that it doesn't sound like much outside help if forthcoming) in a scenario where his own mother apparently can't or won't. And yet OP is the one in the wrong for feeling in need of some respite?

I do wonder how many people piling in on to the OP have caring responsibilities (above and beyond 'normal' parenting responsibilities, I mean) themselves. I think some are just treating this as an opportunity to take a cheap pot-shot at a stepparent, tbh.

Also, although I haven't read every single post on this thread, there seems to be a singular absence of judgement of the boy's mother for apparently having washed her hands of him, which I would assume must be contributing towards his unhappiness. But no, it's all the stepparent's fault as usual. Honestly, this place sometimes.

Exactly. It’s easier for the DP if OP looks after him because it means he has to do zero coordination- no checking with ex if she is free, no reminding ex of her responsibilities, no dropping DSS to his mum’s, no making sure he has food, money, a coat etc.

But that doesn’t make it any less unfair on OP.

YANBU to be annoyed but I think you do have to stay with him tomorrow.

I wouldn't leave a step child home on their own but I agree that you need down time too.

Could you stay with him on your day off but tell DP that you will swap for Saturday when he should be going to football, and meet up with friend then.

If even just a friend asked this of me I would do it in a heartbeat. If my husband asked me to do it for my stepchild there wouldn't even be a question.

That's not be a martyr it's being a fucking decent human being!

If the OP had posted 'my partner wants his mentally unwell son to live with us full time, AIBU to not want this?' she would probably have got different responses and been advised to Have Boundaries.

Could DM come to look after him at yours OP? He needs to stay where he’s most comfortable and it obviously isn’t ideal to have her in your house but if you and DP are both out there only needs to be a quick handover at each end of the day.

Would you do it in a heartbeat if the friend started asking you every other Saturday and on your booked annual leave days when you already have plans, when she wasn’t even asking the child’s actual parent to look after him?

See, I don't think she would. I think the vilification would have been exactly the same, with a side order of 'you knew he had kids' for good measure.

As a step-parent she is automatically in the wrong; so if she had offered to sleep on a yoga mat in the boy's room, the usual suspects would be frothing over her selfishness in wanting a mat.

The mother has dealt with this from when he was 13 to 16. He's only been living with his dad for the past month.

By the sounds of it the mother has got overwhelmed and to the point of not coping with him, not that she mustn't be bothered.

And if she said no he probably would have ended the relationship.
I don't see a scenario where a woman can say no to that request and then keep her relationship.

Op does look after her ss though on a regular basis so she sounds very decent to me!

She’s says no on this occasion and now apparently she’s horrible, and amazing people like you are so much better than her 🙄. She does enough.

It's not OP's day off work as in her rostered day off it's booked annual leave. What happens next month when the Dad has to go into the office for one day and OP is working? Is OP expected to take annual leave to keep an eye on SS?

I know mental health services are stretched but what do other posters suggest in the long term instead of telling OP what she must do? I've got no suggestions but perhaps someone has?

This.

and also, youre not his step mum. Youre dad’s partner. Youre not married. This is his son to take care of.

Very easy to virtue signal and say you would step in. I sure as hell would not want to be in sole charge of someone else’s suicidal teen. No bloody way. I am not trained or in any way equipped to deal with an extreme mental health condition in someone else’s child. The parents need to do the care themselves or get the appropriate professionals to. This isnt watching someone’s toddler while you go to the dentist. It’s too much to ask.

To help a suicidal child?!

Wtf is wrong with you people.

I didn't say i was better than her. I'm criticising the poster who said it was martyrdom to not have coffee with a friend as a one off occasion.

Nowhere have I said or inferred that her DP needs a break. Nowhere did I say or suggest it was no big deal. More conjecture and more of you ascribing meaning where there is none. You do not know any other facts than anyone else does, so your basis of opinion is entirely meaningless.

Bit of a non answer.

So you’d give up every other Saturday and your booked annual leave and plans to look after a friend’s 16yo at their house?

You sound lovely, why not give your number to OP to pass it to her DP so he can arrange when you have his 16yo DSS.

It's his son.
He is dumping responsibilities for seriously mentally ill child to a person that is not childs parent.
Your DP can:
Book a day of AL himself and care for his son.
Ask mother to do that.

He is having free day every other weekend for fucking football. Surelly you can use your own AL to do your stuff.
Single parents can manage childcare. This child got two alive parents. Let them parent.

Also, ask yourself how much of your relationship is just conveniance for DP?

The original post was about a one off day. As per usual with these type of posts the OP added in the extra days when it wasn't going her way.

If she's not prepared to do the Saturdays then yes discuss with partner and change arrangements.

Would I cancel a coffee with a friend to stay with a suicidal child. Yes I would.

The dismissiveness of some people on this thread about a suicidal child has shocked me. Maybe I am sensitive to it as I have experience of that in my own family. If I could help prevent that happening to another child then yes pass on my number.

OP this thread is quite triggering for me because when I was that age I met my ex who had mental health issues, suicide attempts etc, His parents did fuck all really and when he became obsessed with me they decided to push responsibility of looking after him onto me. I ended up feeling like I had to be in a relationship with him and stayed stuck for over a decade 😂😂I'm laughing because of the trauma before anyone comments.

The psychological pressure of dealing with that situation and feeling responsible for keeping someone else alive is immense, it still affects me today massively probably because I was so young when it all happened, but even so it's an awful situation for anyone to be in.

So it's important that you have down time and look after yourself mentally, but it does seem like the son needs to be watched right now as he is in crisis.

You said he doesn't want to ask the childs mum because he doesn't trust her to keep an eye on him as she has younger kids, but she looked after him for the past 3 years when this was going on so how can he not trust her? If she's not able to cope with him at the moment after so long then I understand that, just the 'not trusting her' doesn't really make sense.

It sounds like your husband is home the rest of the week to look after SS is that right so this is just a one off?
Would you be able to arrange to meet your friend on the weekend?

The reality is, it's very hard to care for a sick child long-term, even if there are two other parents involved. So you're not being unreasonable to feel annoyed at giving up your day off, as I imagine you need a break every now and again too, and it was something you had planned in advance. However, given the seriousness of the situation, if this is a one off (rather than your DH regularly asking you to give up your annual leave), I would cancel what you had planned and stay with DSS. (Or could you ask your friend to visit you at home?)

If your poor DSS needs constant watching though, his mum and dad need to agree how they'll manage future care on days when your DH needs to work. Whilst I am not saying you shouldn't also be part of coming up with a plan/solution, you shouldn't be seen as the automatic carer.