To not want to give up my day off?

[justbecool25]

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

@bellezarara you cannot accuse someone of manipulation when they said their personal circumstances and then also get upset when they accuse you of manipulation when you mention your personal circumstance.

You both obviously have some experiences of mental health/suicide and I'm sorry for that. I have as well and it's really difficult and everyone's experience is difficult.

Can you quote my posts where I have accused other posters of lying about their relatives to manipulate posters? Because that’s what you’re doing. It’s disgusting behaviour and I will report you if you persist.

Was it kind of you to collude with a PP saying I was being manipulative when I tell you that I’m living with suicide on a daily basis. I am reflecting your attitude back to you so you can understand how your words hurt people.

You seem to be confused. I have not accused anyone who has shared their personal experience of manipulation. That’s what was done to me.

Either quote where I have done this or apologise.

I did NOT respond to your post about you living with suicide nor did I collude with anyone or refer to your post in any way, shape or form.

I would not make light of someone living with that and you owe me an apology.

You are not reflecting my attitude, you are desperately trying to save face.

I think actually what we should do is stop this now because it is derailing the thread and doesn't actually matter.

All this arguing isn't going to be productive to helping the OP

I haven't read most of the thread. I agree you probably should do it on this occasion, but I would try to swap your annual leave day for a carer's/sick leave day. I also agree that you need to talk to your DH about what his plans are as this doesn't sound like a short-term situation. Just because his ex has younger children doesn't mean she gets to stop caring about the life of her oldest child. Fair enough that his living situation is better with you, but the occasional day of care for her own son is not much to ask!

I'm sorry OP, it's a tough situation on everyone.

It does matter because you’ve accused me of something I didn’t do. You should apologise and draw a line under it.

OK. I read the whole thread and I remember reading your posts and that is how is came across to me. I do apologise if that's not how you meant it but it was the way that I read it. Just some crossed wires 😊

Im quite surprised that you need to consider whether you should spend the day keeping an eye on a suicidal child, or leave him alone to go for a coffee with your friend.

Take the kid to see a film of his choice at the cinema, or take him somewhere else he likes to go, and have a nice day with him.

I'm sure your friend will understand, and rearrange for another time.

In an ideal world his mum would step up and you wouldn't need to do it, but it seems that's not going to happen, and the kid needs someone to look out for him.

I don’t think you are unreasonable not to WANT to give up a precious day of annual leave.
It’s not clear what would have happened if you had also been due to work, but unless your DP has engineered his monthly office day to be on your day off, and he genuinely can’t change it, I think it would be reasonable to help him out this once.
As annual leave is normally limited maybe rearrange your meeting with your friend for the weekend. It’s not unreasonable to expect your DP to give up watching a game of football for once when you are giving up a whole day’s leave.
It must be incredibly stressful for you and DP. I would be terrified of anything happening on my watch, whilst of course not wanting SS to come to harm at any time.

YABU a teenager in need trumps coffee and shopping.

I'd feel disgruntled in your shoes too. You booked a day off from your precious annual leave to meet up with a friend for some "me" time and a break.

I agree your SS can't be left alone, and it sounds like dropping him off at his mother's is not really an option at the moment, so what would have happened if you had been working @justbecool25?

If you hadn't conveniently (for your DP) booked a day off work what would he have done?

Nothing to save face for. My posts have supported the OP’s need for a breather and the DP’s need for a breather all while maintaining 24 hour support for the teenage son because mental health services cannot offer the care he needs. I’m discounting Mum from the situation because Dad obviously doesn’t feel his son would be safe with her right now and we have no reason to disbelieve him.

When another poster said I was manipulative for mentioning my situation and questioned my use of emojis, you jumped on the emoji bandwagon and didn’t say anything about my lived experience providing a context. You obviously supported the assertion that sharing is manipulation.

And yet a son in need doesn’t trump football for the actual dad.

Lecture was a poor word choice. Apologies. I just meant I had not disputed the other things you were mentioning.

@bellezarara the op said her partner is going into the office on the day he's asked her to sit with SS, he's not going to football.

This. The dad is saying he can’t trust the dc’s mum to look after him sufficiently well as she has other children and house is noisy, so has decided his partner will have to do it instead 🤦‍♀️
if he has so big a concerns about the child’s own mum, how the hell does he trust the step mum?

he should be dping what mums and decent parents do all the time when there is not an “extra women” around to dump on- that is taking time off work and telling work his child is ill and needs time off now, or getting mum to look after her own child. Just the same as he would if he was still married to the child’s mum. Parents have to make those difficult juggling decisions everywhere without an extra person to expect to pick up slack because it’s inconvenient. He’s basically telling her to take a precious paid lewve day to look after his son…whilst I suspect his paid leave days will remain unaffected, just like his football days.

seems to me a lot of posters here berate step mums for not stepping in and providing an “additional convenient women” to sub contract parenting to. This is for the PARENTS to sort out. He has to discuss with his ex wife if he has concerns around how she parents her own child.

Sure, if the mum was ill, had an emergency then it’s fine to have a higher expectation that step mum will help out. But this is not the case. It is the child who is ill, with severe something that is not going to go away magically and needs long term strategies for care from both parents. This is dad’s decision his ex is not a fit mum.

Sorry but you wouldn't get me doing anything but looking after this teen regardless if my own or not and at this stage of illness it shows how much you've you have by doing your all

Please refrain from the constant narrative that the partner is opting for football over crisis care of his son. You have absolutely no evidence of this. You only know that the OP watches him for part of the day, around every other Saturday during football season.

Everything else, including the son’s needs during this time and the OP’s feelings about it, is unknown.

You haven’t supported the OP beyond a half hearted ‘let friend come to you for a coffee and have a break that way’ (paraphrased). You know that’s a cop out and no kind of breather for OP.

And you have have been very concerned about the DH and him going through a ‘burnout’ and how he needs the Saturday football games to have a breather.

When another poster said I was manipulative for mentioning my situation and questioned my use of emojis, you jumped on the emoji bandwagon and didn’t say anything about my lived experience providing a context.

And yes, I did find your use of the 🤣🤣🤣 in response to my post crass. But you just used these 3 emojis, you didn’t give any context.

And yes, I didn’t say anything about your lived experience in your subsequent post to another poster, I can’t respond to every post you make to others. But for to you say I ‘colluded with a PP saying I was being manipulative when I tell you that I’m living with suicide on a daily basis’ because I didn’t say anything is unfair because you didn’t tell ME you were living with suicide on a daily basis, it was to someone else.

But it’s the truth, he is going to football and leaving his son with OP.

If he had stopped going to football OP would have said so, but she hasn’t.

It’s odd that you keep telling me not to say this instead of just asking the OP when he last went to football.

Going into the office is likely more important than drinking a coffee .

It’s a shame that the OPs plea for advice on this sad situation has been dominated by petty infighting over nonsense. The football thing is a red herring in this case, as the incident being discussed covers a time when the father has to work, not because he’s attending a football match. The poor boys mum needs to be discounted from it because she’s already made her feelings pretty clear that she is absolving herself of caring for him. Whilst this would be an alien thing to do for most of us, we haven’t walked in her shoes and maybe she’s burnt out from it all to the point that for her own mental health as well as the other children she has had to step back for a while. If it were me, on this occasion, I’d just ask friend to come to the house. Buy in a couple of buns and put the kettle on.

The emoji response was because you had said something breathtakingly stupid that words could not have done it justice.

You responded to the posters response to my post and ignored that bit while focusing on a totally irrelevant emoji. You didn’t say that sharing isn’t manipulation so I guess you felt it was ok for me to called a manipulator, but now the table has turned…