To not want to give up my day off?

[justbecool25]

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

It depends on your meaning of ‘brand new’. By OP’s account, the first suicide attempt occurred 3 years ago, with other attempts within those 3 years. I don’t personally describe that as brand new. You might, however.

All I have commented on this thread is about the unhelpful conjecture and what I would do personally, so there is no need to lecture me on the OP’s position.

I don't think it's as simple as 'should you or shouldn't you'. It's about the risk, and the costs/benefits of different options, and tye relationship/responsibility you have to your DH and SS. I have lived experience of parenting a suicidal teen and it is really hard work and involves difficult decisions.

• Do you tend to have a level of parental relationship and (non-legal) responsibility to him? Do you and your DH make shared decisions about him or does your DH make the decisions and then talk to you about your involvement in them (in a positive way)?

• what is the risk of harm to your ss? Is he actively trying to kill himself, is he self-harming significantly or superficially, is he talking about wanting to die because he feels really really bad? None of these are good, and you can't ever know, but if you can work out what level the risk is, it helps to make decisions.

• Is your coffee rearrangeable? Is it a friend who is back from abroad for a week and you won't get the chance again for at least a year?

• Can DH miss work for once? Is it a team meeting where they all need to be there? Can he join by teams? Would his employer understand? What would the actual consequences be of this?

You could cancel your coffee, but equally DH could cancel work to care for an ill child. It's unfortunate but that's what parents have to do sometimes. I think I would say the same if it was a shared child rather than step-child - sometimes it would be reasonable to ask one parent to take a day off work to care for an ill child if the other had a non-rearrangeable and significant leisure activity.

This does feel like a crisis, if the suicidal thoughts have just developed. But it can go on for a really long time, so it helps to try not to be too reactive.

I’d help a complete stranger in this situation. As would many others on this thread. Better hope you never suffer extreme mental health crisis and everyone just says it’s someone else’s job to care about you.

💯

Weird how she thinks OP, who is reading, should see her laughing emojis making light of this.

If you’re referring to my reaction. I don’t have a problem with the word. I often describe the weather as a bit gloomy. My surprise was somebody equating suicide with being a bit gloomy.

Nice manipulation and absolving of the actual parents. And yes, I do have experience of extreme mental health crisis, my brother had schizophrenia and died, so keep your ill informed nastiness to yourself.

No, I wasn’t referring to you, but to the post below:

——————————————————

newnamechange98 · Today 10:21

@SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname

Your reply to @JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit is quite shocking and shows literally zero empathy for the OP's SS.

Another example of your empathy, I’m sure. The poster has implied I don’t have experience of extreme mental health crisis and I said that I did.

How is that manipulative?

This.

If his mum or dad are unable to be there, then I would.

I'll be honest that I'd not be happy about it, but I would do it.

I lost my best friend to suicide and its bloody awful - I'd not wish it on anyone. Its 18 months on and I still replay in my head what I could have done instead, if I had said this, done that, been there at that time.

Was it kind of you to tell me that I’m manipulative when I said my brother had schizophrenia and died?

Because if that’s an example of your kindness, keep it to yourself, I wouldn’t wish your brand of kindness on my worst enemy.

I wasn't attempting to lecture you @Didimum. It was a discussion. Just because we don't agree doesn't mean we can't have a discussion. Nevermind.

I'm sure the 16 year olds needs have changed somewhat in 3 years and not remained exactly the same so everyday will bring something different. Plus he only moved in with his dad and OP a month ago so it's a new thing for them, they are all still figuring each other out.

It’s strange that you’re resorting to nasty personal attacks on my comprehension when you haven’t even grasped that OP and her DP are not married.

Your post is thoroughly nasty and you should be ashamed of yourself. You implied I had no experience of extreme mental crisis and I said I did as my brother had schizophrenia and died. For you to call me a liar about my ‘dead relative’ is vile. I will not respond to you any more, do NOT post any further posts to me.

But they can be there, they’re just choosing not to be. If op goes out for a coffee it won’t be on her if her dss does something, it will be on his parents because they are the ones who are responsible for him.

It’s like if I ask my parents to look after my 5 year old and they say no because they’re going out for lunch that day. But I go to work anyway without finding childcare. It wouldn’t be my parents fault if I choose to go to work without my 5 year old being supervised would it? It would be my fault if something happened because I’m the parent. The same logic applies to op going out vs the parents going to work.

Parental responsibility doesn’t just poof in to thin air once a child hits teenage years. This child needs supervising so first and foremost he is THEIR responsibility. It’s not fair to twist his possible actions on to other people.

Of course you stay home. But your DP owes you a day off.

On the one hand we have someone who wants to go out for coffee. On the other hand we have someone who might die.

How is there even a question about this?

I'm beginning to wonder if society has broken down entirely.

Exactly!

Totally agree, this has nothing to do with hm being your partner's son, it's a young person who needs your help for one day. Is your coffee really so important?

Can you not just asked friend to come to yours for coffee instead ait in the garden if it's nice.
Your dh needs your support now more than ever and your putting a coffee and some window shopping before that and the thought of that boy harming himself while your out should be enough for you to give up your coffee.

It's a really difficult situation and there are certain things that we don't know about which would sway my answer either way.

The OP says her husband goes to the football every other week. There are 38 league games a season (plus cup matches and that'll depend on the team) so say that's around 17 Saturdays a season from around August to May. We don't know if he goes out for the whole day, we don't know what happens on the other Saturdays. This may be the only time that her husband gets a break and if that's the case I'd say fair enough.

The OP also says that her husband does the majority of the care for the SS, so OP could be getting 6 days off as a break and then a couple of hours on a Saturday to watch SS.

However he could be going out all Saturday every Saturday and the OP has to spend all day looking after him. She may also be having to do a lot throughout the week and in that case of course she also deserves a break.

I think it's also interesting that he doesn't want to get the Mum involved. I had to live with my Dad until late teens when I could go back to my Mum. Not all parents are great and for me who didn't have a great parent, it is interesting that the SS doesn't want his Mum involved.

Personally, it sounds like a one off so I'd do it but there's a bigger picture here and I really hope OP that you can get your SS the help he needs but also some support for you and your DH.

Ow bless, this is a no win situation for you and my heart goes out to you.

The Mum struggled and needed a break so in fairness to her, expecting her to step in for the day shouldn't be an option, she presumably has been coping with this on her own for a while prior to the son coming to you and your partner. It may also set the son back.

But equally, your partner needs a break and if you are to have a future together, care of his son comes with that relationship, they are a package deal.

The final conundrum is that you deserve a break too, but these are exceptional circumstances and in these early days, if it was me, I would give that day up in the hope that it reaps long term gains with the sons wellbeing been at the heart of this. Then reassess this as things progress. Stabilising his mental health is hopefully the route back to normality in the longterm.

You are not wrong in whichever way you jump as you haven't mentioned the state of your own mental wellbeing and I would imagine the home is a pretty stressful environment at the moment and a break would be good but if you have the strength in you, consider spending Monday with the son.

Big hugs coming your way as I understand this is very challenging for you. x

I’m just trying to reflect your tone back so that you might understand how you make people feel.

Obviously it has worked because you didn’t like my response.

Your partner is worried about his suicidal son and your more bothered about your coffee with a mate? Every now and again you get a post on mumsnet that really takes your breath away. Unbelievable.