To not want to give up my day off?

[justbecool25]

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

It doesn’t really matter how Op feels about Saturdays. She may be more than happy as she isn’t doing anything or genuinely enjoy it. But the Dp gets to have time to himself and yet posters are fine with this. But not fine with Op who does more than enough wanting time on her own.

What do you mean? Op doesn’t have to be unhappy about something for people to pick up on it.

So many posters don’t mind the mother or father having time on their own, but Op is disappointed her time on her own can’t go ahead and she is called selfish. Weird that.

Op does do it for her ss. As soon as she says no though then all of sudden she isn’t helpful or caring enough.

If DSS’s dad can have time to breathe by playing football, then op can have time to breathe by going out for a coffee.

Well played on the manipulation there. That's not why you posted 3 laughing emojis. I cannot be doing with the manipulation so I won't bother you again. We can agree to disagree.

That’s not what I’ve said and this thread does concern me as someone actually living this situation.

If you worried as much about a suicidal boy as you do about a poxy emoji…

Sorry but yabu. I can't imagine the stress your partner is under and he's probably terrified about leaving the house to go to the office. Do it for him.

YABVVU - could you live with yourself if he were to go through with it? Aren't a few hours of your day a very small sacrifice to keep a child safe. Shameful reaction to this scenario in my opinion.

You are taking this whole thread as an attack on SM. It’s not. There are people who wouldn’t sit with someone suicidal and people who would, no matter whether the person was family or a stranger. Neither side understands the other.

As one of the few posters to have been in this situation my posts have been about balancing family and need for time out.

You are conflating this with previous threads and carrying over prejudices about my opinion. Now please stop hijacking this thread to rant against me. This isn’t about me or you, it is about finding a way through this for the OP, DP and DS.

An explanation of where my perspective comes from is not manipulation. But bye 👋

Again, this is a lot of conjecture. We don’t know if it is brand new to the OP, since it first began (which we know of) 3yrs ago.

It is not pointless in having the OP answer certain questions – namely the amount that her partner is sacrificing and his circumstances with work. Step mothering aside, partners should support each other with a myriad of life crises.

My father passed away last year (suddenly in his early 60s). My mother was in pieces, and still is in many ways, and my DH chose to support her by himself in many ways, and he does that to support me by proxy.

No one person gets to adjudicate on what is the absolute right in this scenario. You will have parents, non-parents and step parents falling on both sides of the coin.

💯

Grim isn’t it? They’re trying to convince us they’re oh so kind and yet it’s obvious they don’t care about this teen, it’s all just a stick to beat a step-mum with.

Where have I told OP what to do?

My posts below:

DP should drop DS at his mum’s for the day.

I can’t believe you don’t realise the actual mum or dad should be looking after their actual child.

So they’re suggestions for what, y’know, the ACTUAL PARENTS should be doing.

Mincing words is a nice euphemism for nasty posts telling OP ‘fucking do this’ and ‘fucking do that’, whilst giving a free pass to the football going dad and the mum.

I haven't read the full thread.

I totally understand why you don't want to give up your day off.

Can you DH switch his day in the office as an emergency measure?

If you are their only option, I'd give up the day. I don't think I'd want to risk him doing something and regretting not being there.

I would then talk to DH and say as you weren't able to have your day off, you'd like a weekend or a Saturday or something to yourself and if he has to miss football then so be it.

I hope your SS gets better though I understand it's a hard road to be on

That’s false equivalence. The parent isn’t posting here, the step-mum is posting here, so your analogy makes no sense.

I did not say you had, but other posters have.

The swearing post you mentioned was one post, not multiple, so there is no need to exaggerate the tone of the thread in general. Swearing at OP should not be tolerated, but that is a separate issue.

Of course we know this is brand new to the OP @Didimum just like it is brand new to her DP and the childs mother. Unless they have supported another teenager through the exact same thing. The point is, the OP isn't his parent. Not much has been said about the child's actual mother washing her hands of her son, the OP has stepped up, stays with the child while the childs father goes to football, yet because she wants to keep a one off arrangement with a friend she hasn't seen for a while, she has been called allsorts of vile things.
If this becomes too much for the OP what happens then? More upheaval for her dss. She needs to do things for herself. That isn't selfish, it's self care. If it were my son in this scenario I would be making sure my partner kept his plans. There is no way i would ask him to cancel his plans. I hope the OP's dp shows some appreciation for what she does to support him getting time to himself.

But that’s not true. If OP is required to be with DSS every Saturday then she is being told that someone does need to be present by her DP.

You and others seem to want it both ways, that the DP is burnt out and needs the Saturday football break and for OP to cancel her annual leave but also simultaneously that none of this is a big deal as it’s only been happening for a few nights.

Make your mind up.

Has your partner tried to rearrange his office day or has he just assumed you’ll cancel your plans? I do think that on a one off basis you should support your partner and SS but it’s cheeky if he hasn’t exhausted all avenues.

You booked special annual leave. That’s a bit different to a normal day off. I think you should explain that to dh! What would he do if you were at work as normal?
if it was a normal day off you’d be a bit unreasonable to refuse, but rare annual leave changes my response.

Or maybe friend could come to you?

He won’t go through with it though will he, because if op doesn’t look after him his parent/s will be “forced” to. Which is fine because they’re his parents.

Give over, gloomy just means feeling depression.

@bellezarara i think gloomy is feeling down for a few hours not having to be watched by relatives cause due to risk of suicide

@justbecool25 living with someone who is battling serious MH issues it is exhausting and very difficult.

Noone can do this without keeping themselves in as best MH personally. Go have your day, you need it.

It is very important that you and your DH get as much support yourself, have you any work based resources? There is MH first aid courses. I found them very helpful and it linked me in with people who could help deal with the impact others MH have on ourselves.

Enjoy your small respite.

It wasn’t just one post. See the four posts below. The tone of the thread from the anti-step-mum thread has often been vicious.

Cut him some slack and watch his fucking kid for him.

Your partner must be in knots with worry about finding his child dead and you can’t put your feelings aside about missing a fucking coffee? Wow.

I’ll come and sit with the boy whilst you grab your coffee. I actually give a fuck about people.

Fuck me, I'd do that for any child in that situation, it is only one day! One day and all you have planned is going for a coffee?

But it’s hardly a shocking word is it? Funny how that poster hasn’t objected to the poster berating OP for going for a coffee whilst her DSS ‘tops himself’.