Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to give up my day off?

729 replies

justbecool25 · 13/04/2024 22:43

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

OP posts:
Iaskedyouthrice · 14/04/2024 10:34

StormingNorman · 14/04/2024 10:26

I haven’t been dishonest anywhere for you to need my honestly now. I also haven’t said I don’t think the OP needs some time away from this to relax. Literally…read the first line of what you quoted back at me.

I’m not holding the SM to a higher standard. There are issues with Mum’s ability to care for her son so she doesn’t figure in the equation. Dad cannot be home because he has to go into the office one day per month and this is it. I would do this as a favour to my partner, if not for the child’s sake.

This has nothing to do with my thoughts on step parents generally.

Oh I spotted that, also noticed it went from how the OP needed time to relax and recharge but then went on to discuss her dp. Who's need to relax and recharge is obviously far greater than the OP's.
I think the OP needs to go and meet up with this friend she hasn't seen for a while because this is her life too and I can imagine she is struggling also. I think her dp needs to be working very hard to try to ensure the OP doesn't feel under any pressure. That is what a loving dp would do. That's what I would do. He can at the very least arrange carers leave for his one day in the office OR swap the day. He needs to make sure the OP gets that time with her friend though.
I am really struggling to understand why so many women on here expect more from stepmothers than the child's actual parents. I will never understand why. Even if its the 'bitter ex wives club' surely they have more self respect than to expect their exes new partner to do more parenting than them?

Edited for appalling spelling

Greycar · 14/04/2024 10:35

I think if it was me and it involved a vulnerable young person who I’d known and cared for 7 years that I would postpone the coffee. He sounds quite vulnerable at the moment and the con sequence of not staying with him would be horrific. Otherwise your partner is goi g to have to have a day off work to do it - which seems frustrating when he only has to go j to the office once a month and the wfh set up obviously allows him to support his son for the set of the time. At times like this everyone needs to work as a team and I’m sure you’ll ant to be part of that.

CKL987 · 14/04/2024 10:35

Fuck me, I'd do that for any child in that situation, it is only one day! One day and all you have planned is going for a coffee?

SilverCatStripes · 14/04/2024 10:36

Flapearedknave · 14/04/2024 09:36

I'm aghast at some commenters on this thread.

How utterly sad that a step parent is more concerned with a coffee date with a friend than if her step son kills himself. And commenters agreeing.

Seriously?

I agree.

OP if you are in a good relationship then surely you want to be a partnership ? Yes this lad is primarily is your DH and his ex’s responsibility but in this instance you have been asked for help - is it the end of the world for you cancel coffee with your mate in order to help your DH?

Sometimes shit happens and it’s the decent thing to do to help people when they are in need.

I also agree with the poster who said if this was the other way round and it was OP who had asked her DH to cancel his coffee plans the posters telling her it wasn’t her problem and to go for the coffee would have something very different to say !

AngryBookworm · 14/04/2024 10:36

You'd probably be best staying home but not wrong to feel a bit annoyed. Maybe explain why to your friend so she knows you're not just being flaky, and as others have said maybe she could come over for a coffee? Agree too that it's not OK for CAMHS or GP to just abandon a suicidal teenager. This is an emergency and it's astonishing that they're not offering even emergency counselling support. Can you afford any private counselling or eg Mind groups (for your partner as well, they often offer carers groups)? I do wonder, is there a plan in terms of what you do should a crisis occur? Have you and DP been offered any support or guidance? Best of luck, sounds like an awful situation.

Lucytheloose · 14/04/2024 10:37

CKL987 · 14/04/2024 10:35

Fuck me, I'd do that for any child in that situation, it is only one day! One day and all you have planned is going for a coffee?

Great, I'm sure the OP will be happy to text you the address and you can pop round and take over for the day.

Hankunamatata · 14/04/2024 10:38

Dc should go to mums for the day. This is going to be a long haul and their needs to be balance for everyone

Iaskedyouthrice · 14/04/2024 10:39

Also @StormingNorman what are the issues with the child's mum? I'm sorry I missed that.

GlassCaseOfEmotions · 14/04/2024 10:40

It's difficult and I can see this from a lot of different view points.

As a SM:
If DP is regularly putting responsibility on you, and not wanting to involve SS actual mum, then you need to draw a very clear boundary. I would do this 1 day, but make clear that going forward DP needs to ask DM in future or another family member. Football stops until SS is more stable OR DM has SS on a Saturday to facilitate this. You should be a back up option, not the default.

Everyone needs their downtime, please also recognise that you do too. This situation will be having and have already had a huge impact on your relationship, lifestyle and even just regular routine. You can't pour from an empty cup.

DP should ideally be asking his employer for a reasonable adjustment on this 1 occasion, given he deems it a crisis. Any decent employer would understand.

If SS is in crisis, there also needs to be a very clear and agreed plan between all parties of how toilet breaks/ showers/ time alone are to be managed any time he is in your care. Don't minimise how much of a huge responsibility it is on you.

DP can also reach out to social services for respite. This doesn't mean SS will be under longer term care of social services, but rather they can provide daily/ weekly/ monthly respite services to parents who are managing challenging children. You can contact them yourself, have a GP do it or school safeguarding leads can refer.

As a professional (with experience of suicide watches and managing those actively wanting to die, as well as dealing with successful suicide attempts):

There is no watching in the world that will prevent someone who really wants to take their life. I have known an individual on 24/7 watch (literally not a second alone) who cut themselves secretly and nearly bled out, using a mattress to disguise what they had done. Another who self strangulated under a duvet whilst on 24/7 watch using their own hair. I've known hundreds of individuals be checked on whilst on observations smile and wave hello, to be checked on a minute later close to death. It can literally take seconds.

Generally speaking, those who are successful in committing suicide are the ones who don't tell anyone they are feeling that way. That isn't to say your SS isn't in crisis and should be left alone in the house for hours, more that it is a positive he is telling you both his feelings and wants help.

Please do not go around the house hiding everything but a speck of dust to minimise risk as a PP suggested. Someone who is intent on dying will use anything. The more you minimise, the more panicked state an individual gets into and the more risky and irrational their behaviour then becomes. Yes, remove access to anything obvious, but those intent on doing it are far more imaginative than someone who is not in that mindset.

What are the school doing to support?

What is the GP doing to support?

Have you or DP done any self referrals to MH services, for you both and for SS?

It's great there are so many PP who say they would step up and help no matter what or who it is. Please don't minimise this situation for OP and others who have had to deal with this as being selfish or uncaring unless you have been there yourself. It is a huge responsibility to take on and everyone needs their downtime. You cannot ever imagine the mental and emotional impacts this kind of situation has on an individual. Anyone would struggle to live in this situation 24/7, even when the crisis period was over. And I say that with extensive experience in a professional capacity and knowing how to manage these situations. I can't imagine what it is like when you have limited experience in what to do or look out for.

I hope things get better for you all OP 💐

Dagnabit · 14/04/2024 10:41

I would agree to this on this occasion- you’d never forgive yourself if something happened. However, I’d be saying to DP that he needs to facilitate a day off for you so you can do something for yourself. Even if it means not going to the football or whatever.

Mummyratbag · 14/04/2024 10:41

I'd sit with anyone I care about if there was a risk they'd harm themselves.

Imbusytodaysorry · 14/04/2024 10:48

yabu I would stay home . Invite your friend to yours for coffee .

what I would say is your life can’t and shouldn’t be on hold forever . For now though the child needs suppprt

StormingNorman · 14/04/2024 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Unbelievable how kindness is being twisted as martyrdom and mocked with #bekind.

For me it would be a no brainer to tell DP I’d do it but would l need to schedule a break soon and work between us when I could get a day out. My DH and I are a partnership and we support one another above all else. I couldn’t imagine leaving him in the lurch over something this important. And on a more selfish note, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself worrying what was going on at home anyway.

VeryHappyBunny · 14/04/2024 10:50

You are hardly being selfish, you have happily taken this troubled child into your home. Boys of 16 are BIG and you would be no match for him if he became physical. You do not say if he has a violent streak. Is there a day centre in the area where he could go once a week to give you and your partner some respite. We don't know how challenging his behaviour is or how serious his suicide attempt was. I would feel apprehensive of being alone with him and I suspect you do too. He does have other family eg his mother and, as he shared a room in a busy house, presumably siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles etc.

It's all well and good other people calling you selfish for wanting/needing some "me-time". You don't say what your job is but everyone needs to switch off now and again to recharge their batteries. This could be the thin end of the wedge and you end up looking after him on all of your days off. Being wholly responsible for this boy is just added stress. You also don't say how often you have a day off and how easy (or not) it is to synchronise this with your friend's day off. Maybe you friend has a problem she wants to talk about with you. This could be an arrangement made weeks ago. The fact that at 16 the boy can't be left alone suggests he has serious problems and if anything went wrong you could end up with a whole load of trouble. You are not blood relations and have no legal responsibility and if he were to attempt suicide (maybe successfully) on your watch I cannot imagine the fallout. You cannot be expected to be an unpaid carer for someone else's child. It would be a different matter if he was a child, but he is a young adult. A friend of mine had her partner's child live with them when his biological mother couldn't/wouldn't cope. He was very young and liked to share their bed and this was fine until he got older - mid-teens, and then, as he was going through adolescence, he became physical towards her in bed. This was obviously very disconcerting and potentially dangerous for her. This, added to the problems he had (both mental and physical,) led to his being moved to a residential home where his needs could be met by trained professionals. I'm not suggesting this is the same as your situation but you do have to think about your own safety/sanity.

I hope this all gets resolved to the best of everyone's interests and doesn't cause any friction. Good luck.

ImNotReallySpartacus · 14/04/2024 10:50

funinthesun19 · 14/04/2024 10:26

I wondered this too. If op and her dp were both working, what happens then? And that has probably happened before on his office day.

@justbecool25 please could you clarify what would happen? Because I’m sure he’s got a solution, so why can’t he use that same solution when you’re off but busy?

Well, obviously, the solution is to get some woman to do his parenting for him, that's what men do.

Imbusytodaysorry · 14/04/2024 10:51

Just read the updates and agree the football stops for your partner .
This sat you meet your friend

Ellie1015 · 14/04/2024 10:54

I would help one day a month for my dh. It is an extreme circumstance.

Startingagainandagain · 14/04/2024 10:55

I can see your point.

Frankly he is the responsibility of his mum and dad first and foremost.

Also if he can't be left alone at all because he is currently a suicide risk, the time has come to look at whether he would be better off on a mental health ward for a bit so he can get some proper crisis treatment and support.

I say that as someone who has had mental health issues on and off since childhood. It is exhausting for everyone involved and the only thing that got me out of (trigger warning) my suicidal ideation was to go on medication and have daily support from the crisis team and they also suggested admission on a ward, then go on the waiting list for counselling. There is only so much that the family can do in this circumstances.

I think you need to seat down with your partner and his ex and agree on a plan for your stepson because the current situation of watching him 24/7 is not sustainable.

If think the coffee thing is a red herring and the main issue is that you need to be firm about more intervention being needed rather than you being expected to paper over the cracks.

Iaskedyouthrice · 14/04/2024 11:01

You talk about kindness yet posted laughing emojis on a thread about a suicidal teenage boy @StormingNorman . I don't think kindness is your aim on this thread. I think you are just doing what you do on threads by stepmothers. The subject doesn't concern you, you just have a need to tell a stepmum she needs to do more.

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2024 11:02

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 22:55

Ah yes, with both a mum and dad on the scene, it’s the step-mum who should be guilt tripped into giving up her day off for a step-child 🙄

If it was take day off work or cancel a holiday I might agree

But meeting a friend for coffee? I'm sure that could be rearranged

Could the friend come round? I'm sure SS won't join them in the kitchen

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2024 11:04

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 23:10

Oh bog off with your guilt trips. The first options should be the mum and dad, not guilt tripping the step-mum into giving up her day off and cancelling her plans.

I'd do it for a friend let alone a SS

StormingNorman · 14/04/2024 11:06

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 14/04/2024 10:19

Given that it's her house and she is accommodating the full-time presence of a gloomy teenager, I think she's already cutting him an impressive amount of slack.

A gloomy teenager.

Didimum · 14/04/2024 11:07

There’s an awful lot of conjecture going on here. Namely:

  • that the Saturdays with her step son negatively impact OP
  • that the OP is required to directly support the stepson’s mental health most Saturdays
  • that the OP does not get time off for herself
  • that her partner has been attending football when the step son is in crisis
  • that her partner expects more monitoring days that negatively effect OP’s time in the near future.

It’s not helpful to pose these scenarios as fact, and it would be useful for OP to clarify to more helpfully direct poster’s advice.

It does seem necessary and urgent that more explicit support is given from the organisations that are supposed to provide it, but having has direct experience with CAHMS, it is unfortunately a real uphill battle and sometimes an impossibility.

Iaskedyouthrice · 14/04/2024 11:15

All really good points @Didimum, however, lets not forget that the OP isnt this childs parent! This is all brand new to her. It must be scary having a teen in the house actively wanting to commit suicide, I would be beside myself and I have teens. Though it is safe to say, no matter the answers there are too many posters that would still expect more from the OP. So it's pointless the OP answering. It still wouldnt be enough. This is why I get so defensive, it just blows me away, the general attitude towards stepmothers on here. By other women too which is bloody heartbreaking.

StormingNorman · 14/04/2024 11:15

Iaskedyouthrice · 14/04/2024 10:22

More laughing emojis. I don't get it. What's funny on this thread about a suicidal teenage boy? Are you less concerned about that and more concerned with trying to one up another poster?

I don’t think he’s reading and sometimes people say things which are so out there, that all you can do is laugh.

Speaking as someone actually living through this, you are allowed to laugh. It helps when you’re trying to keep someone alive. Mental health and even the suicidal ideation becomes part of everyday life and has to be normalised within the full range of emotions.