To not want to give up my day off?

[justbecool25]

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

And just out of interest, how does anyone actually stop a person committing suicide?

Exactly. And yet DP seems quite happy to allow OP to shoulder that responsibility alone on a regular basis.

Haven't read all of the replies so apologies if I've missed anything.

DP has spoken to cahms and they haven't done anything. They won't prescribe antidepressants or section him as they have no beds. They have said to take him to A&E when he says he has suicidal thoughts, DP has in the past and nothing is done, it just creates more anxiety for SS so now DP refuses to.

He doesn't want to ask SS’s mum as he doesn't trust she can keep an eye on him as she has younger children to look after. We don't watch him 24/7 we (mostly DP) just check on him in his room regularly. I booked tomorrow as annual leave and planned to go out before I knew DP was due in the office (the day changes every month) otherwise I would be working.

DP goes to the football whenever his team is playing at home so it's around every 2 weeks.

It does sound to me like more should be being done for this child if the school are being allowed to pressurise them and he needs 24/7 suicide watch. Do the actual parents have any kind of plan? What are they doing? How long is the 24/7 watch supposed to go on for? If it were me, I'd be asking those kind of questions and requiring the child's parents to sort out what will be happening for the future because this is not a long term tenable situation. I'd probably give up this day off for him but make clear that this is going to be an agreement for this day only and you won't commit for the future. I'd also be asking why his own mother isn't doing it.

I think you know YABU. However I also recognise how much stress and upset this must be causing for all of you, and a day off to meet with a friend for coffee and possibly vent to someone not emotionally involved about the situation was probably a much needed and looked forward to escape for you.

OP said he prefers his dad’s house because he has a room and it’s less noisy. Whatever his reasons, Dad’s house is obviously where he feels most comfortable and where he should stay.

Could you imagine dealing with an emotional crisis and having to deal with sharing a room with siblings. It’s sensory overload.

If the relationship is good maybe DM could come over and look after her son in his home?

But really the previous 16 years don’t mean anything. Relationships change and only their recent relationship is relevant. So until OP tells us why DP doesn’t want to ask DM, we can only assume there is a good reason for his reluctance.

x post with OP explaining why DP is reluctant to ask Mum.

oh so DP gets days off and you don't? Why can DP not talk to his office about changing his day? What would DP do if you had been working on his day in the office?

I think there is a question about whether your DP is right that his son needs 24 hour company still, but I don’t think it’s your decision to make, and not on the basis of having a day off.

I would suggest that you take him with you. He can sit at a different table, doing some work or on his phone, or whatever. You might not get the looking around shops time, but you can certainly still have coffee with a friend.

If OP has to stay with a 16yo at home when his dad is at football then the concerns around his mental health have been going on for a lot longer than a few nights. Because most 16yos can be left alone during the day, often even at night.

And even if it was just a few nights, then it’s even more reason for the DP to tell his employer about his family situation and ask to WFH.

Let’s hope you never are.

It’s fine to disagree. It’s not fine to tell OP ‘you NEED to do this’ like she’s a 12yo.

I woukd stay with your stepson. Your stepson needs helps at this time. Can you go out one evening with your friend instead?.

I’m so sorry to your husband for what he’s going through. I can’t imagine the horror of one of my babies telling me they don’t want to live anymore. It would turn any parent inside out.

Cut him some slack and watch his fucking kid for him.

Clearly that’s not an option currently. It’s one day. We’re not talking about cancelling a holiday or a trip to the theatre here. It’s a coffee…..

so he can go to football?

Can DP not explain the situation to his work and ask if he can wfh as usual on Monday?

Cut him some slack and watch his fucking kid for him.

Yet another person telling OP what to do. So well meaning, these posters are brimming good with kindness aren’t they? Not.

The dad is going through so much that he swans off to football, presumably yesterday too.

He can ask to WFH or ask ex to look him. He is choosing to pressure OP instead, on her booked annual leave.

It might be one day, it might be a short term crisis or the situation could go on for years.

I would stay with your DSS on this occasion. I'd probably think differently if this were to be a regular occurrence, with you being the one always expected to cancel things if mum and dad didn't step up, but if this is not something expected of you on a regular basis and it isn't an essential appointment (such as hospital visit, etc.) then I'd say do it for your DSS.

Could you compromise with your friend coming to you to enjoy coffee and a chat?

Let’s hope you don’t subject step-mums in real life to your prejudices and projection.

She does. That wasn’t the comment though. The comment was why hasn’t anyone suggested dad takes son to football.

I really feel for you OP. You’ve got a lot on your plate and if you’re not going through a burnout already then I’m very surprised. You’re pulled in so many directions and you want a break and some escapism with a friend for a couple of hours. How awful of you! Your next day off might not be for ages.

And no I’m not minimising what the dss is going through before anyone pounces. But op matters too, and DSS’s mum or dad need to be there for him.

OP, if you was working and therefore didn’t have a day off and your dp had to go to the office, who would be watching your dss? I think this is relevant.

So the mother has dumped him on you FT and now she mustn't be bothered. I love how everyone is jumping on the OP but not assigning any responsibility to his actual mother. Typical MN.

I would probably do it this one time but feel very resentful and make it very clear to DP that going forward you are not going to do this.

Give over. Are you suggesting that our opinion on this would be different if it applies to the DM or DF? In the same situation if dm was coming on here to post the same, I’m pretty sure the general consensus would also be to stay at home instead of going out for a coffee.

Always Good to meet a fan.

I don’t think you’ve read all my posts here. I’ve said time and again that OP needs a break too.