He wants me to transfer the money. AIBU to be put off now?

[whatasneezeyone]

Had a date. Went for sushi 🍣

I got a few dishes and he seemed to be counting his coming through. I got some strawberry cheesecake mochi and he said 'that looks nice. I'll try it maybe one time. Spend enough today ahahaa'

Went to tap the card as we agreed to split the bill

I did my half and my card got declined. I said to the waiter, quick as a flash, I'll need to insert my pin because I've probably tapped too many times now

The man I was with on the date said 'let me just get this, please'

And he tapped.

He's now messaging this evening saying 'can you transfer your half? As we did agree to go half. It's Santander xxx yyy lll'

The followed up straight away with a link and saying 'fancy this next week?'

So I have. And haven't replied back to say it's done

AIBU to not be interested now? Just seems a bit petty.

I personally would've just left it if the shoe was on the other foot

That doesn't feel like it would be a deciding factor to me personally. Were there other issues? Perhaps he really is struggling a bit, financially. Just one possibility.

When I read the title and the first few lines of your post I was ready to say YABU. I thought you were going to say you’d ordered quite a lot of things on the assumption he was paying. But after reading the full post YANBU.

It definitely comes across like he wanted to seem like the big man in front of the waiter, rescuing the damsel whose card got declined and covering the full bill. Otherwise he could have just said there and then he’d use his card and you could transfer. He got the ego boost without having to pay any extra.

If he was planning on suggesting another place to you like he did, he also could have just said ‘I’ll cover this and you can pay next time’.

Asking for the money back afterwards would give me the ick.

I'm not single, but I didn't mind splitting the bill before, and splitting is how I do it when I do meals out with friends. Splitting isn't the issue. However, I wouldn't see that guy again, and I marshal my arguments thusly:

Last time I read the paperwork that came with a contactless card, it said I could use it for five consecutive contactless transactions, and then on the sixth I would have to put my PIN in. I assume that's standard. In practice, I don't keep count of how many times I've used my card since I last put my PIN in, so I regularly swipe it expectantly and then the machine refuses the transaction. Then I put my PIN in when prompted.

I'd be insulted if someone assumed that I had gone into my overdraft because I needed to put my PIN in, and then they made a big deal of paying for me. It's also a bit contradictory to imply to the waiter that you don't think your date can afford their share of the meal and to claim to be willing to pay for your date's meal, and then to chase your date up for the money later. What's supposed to have changed in your date's finances in a few hours?

Also, I find internet banking a total pain in the neck, especially to people I haven't paid before, so it would really piss me off that he'd swooped in and stopped me paying in a way convenient to me in the restaurant, just to ask me to pay in a manner far more onerous later.

So in one short interaction, this man has come off to me as insulting, irrational, and the cause of petty inconveniences. If he's annoyed me that much in one date, let's not risk a future together!

I'd send the money and be done with him!

Op’s card didn’t fail Repeatedly. Contactless was declined as an option, once, which is a standard occurrence. Banks protect themselves from large scale fraud by requiring customers to insert the card every now and then. There will be algorithms at play. Lest we forget the card is the property of the bank. It just so happened yesterday evening at the restaurant was the time, when insert card was requested. No one was trying to save anyone’s blushes.

Yeah. Cost of living. What a buzz kill.

This is what I think. But if you're put off, it is not going to work anyway.

This

Op doesn’t resent paying her half. I’d be really pee’d off if a potential love interest, who was supposed to be on their best behaviour on the first date tried to be the big “I am” in front of restaurant staff for no reason then asked for a bank transfer after the event. This is clunky at best and inconvenienced her far more than just waiting for her to insert her card. And all for £30.

Op has been very clear she fully expected to pay her share but then he offered to pay the full amount in public and retracted in private. She has already said she’ll pay for the second date with the carpet fitter (who’s insisting on paying for the first). It sounds as if she quite liked Mr Tightwadaccountant up until this point and had he just held firm on either the agreement to go halves or on his offer to pay the full amount, op would have seen him again and would have undoubtedly insisted on paying for the entire meal.

I'd be off. I hate meaness. If he hadn't wanted another date that's fine but he wants to see you again. It's the fact that he made a big deal of saying I ll pay in public then followed it up in private with his bank details. Yuck.

Yes, this!
Very off- putting and a red flag.

He’ll be someone who treats you well in public so he looks like a good man, but in private, he’ll be a prick !

Major ick !

He should have just said, you can pay next time !

This!

It's exactly the kind of thing some of us that ended up in rubbish relationships wish we had spotted in the early days before we got entangled. If he's like this on the first date then he's not going to change.

I’ve noticed an expectation amongst some women who OLD that the guy will pay on a first date. If they don’t progress to a second date the guy will always be out of pocket. Maybe he’s had this experience?

This. Fine for you to split. Fine for you to have paid half at the time. Fine for him to have said “I can get this now and you can transfer me the money later”. Not fine and a bit cringy for him to want to look like this big man paying but then not. Ick.

I've been happily married for many years but if (heaven forbid) I were to be back on the dating scene, I think I'd probably subscribe to the view that if a man doesn't insist on paying for the first date, that's perfectly acceptable in 2024 but also means either that he really, truly doesn't have two pennies to rub together or he's simply not that into you - neither of which I'd want.

If he's not really keen to impress you on the first date, then he's not really been looking forward to it, trying to make you a keen on him as he is on you or doing everything he can to make sure there's a second date. As I think that a successful relationship takes real, active enthusiasm from a man I think I'd split the bill, say thank you very much for a nice time and move on. Brutal, and probably sounds regressive, but I think looking at it dispassionately it's probably a good strategy to stop women wastng their time on men who are lukewarm about them!

I’ve noticed over the years that this little test of whether a man offers to treat a woman on a date can tell you a lot about that man’s character. A man that can’t be generous on a date is unlikely to be generous in life. Generally I’ve found that women when they start a marriage/ family spend their spare money on making life collectively better for everyone before they spend it on themselves. Men tend not to think that way.

Women also tend to be the ones who requiring financial support from a partner during periods of maternity leave or because they are the lower earner). The man who insists on splitting everything “equally” is unlikely to ensure finances are proportionate to income, is less likely to still be generous with their partner and family during her less financially sound periods of life, is unlikely to top up her pension while she’s on mat leave, is likely to see the costs of childcare as her responsibility etc.

Offering to pay the bill might be a little thing but to me it says a lot about a man’s character. I don’t see the reverse observation (I.e women paying for men on dates) as relevant as women are the ones that tend to spend every last penny on making life better for their kids and husband, often to their own detriment should the marriage/ relationship breakdown.

I’ve only read the first page and am going against the grain there (no idea what happened since then).

He was clearly making noises around being strapped for cash throughout the meal. You agreed to split it. He stepped in to pay because your card was declined. He needs the money back.

I think you are being unreasonable to be honest. The bloke thought he was doing you a favour at the time by stopping you being put on the spot if there were issues with your bank card.

But if you’re put off by someone having to watch their money because they are struggling a bit, that’s your prerogative. You don’t have to date anyone you don’t want to, regardless of the reason.

I know I’ll get jumped on for this about not being equal and having old fashioned value and being a scrounger and all this, but it would put me off any man if they didn’t pay on the first date!

This situation would put me completely off because he wanted to make out he was paying in front of the waiter and then did that after.

he sounds tight or skint both which are off putting.

Bit odd that he didn't let you just put your card in the machine (fairly normal procedure after a decline) and that he said "let me just get this please".
I'd want to pay my share though.

@Concannon88

They agreed in advance they would split the bill. Her card was declined, he said he would pay. Meaning he would help her out as her cards been declined not meaning he would cover the whole meal now.

I think it's none of the above

You agreed to split, your card was declined, he jumped in to save the day (he didn't want you to be embarrassed), and now he's holding you to your promise.

Dates are expensive. If I had a penny for every date that forgot their card, conveniently went to the toilet when the bill came, or did the crossed-arms thing, I'd be a millionaire.

Those who disagree

If a op posted saying she went on a date having agreed to pay half. When bill came HIS card was declined so she paid. Would people be saying she would be unreasonable to ask him to transfer his share?

Tbh id assume it was deliberate to get a free meal.

He was being honest. And he didn't try to get OP to sub him.

Accountants do often have a different attitude to money than most people. Most people have a slightly fuzzy attitude to money and feel that small amounts of money between friends usually comes out in the wash, and losing a little is OK in the context of a friendship (unless you are super-broke, in which case you explain and any friend would understand). So counting the pennies is a red flag that someone is excessively reciprocal - which is very unattractive, since the lack of generosity also comes out in non-financial ways.

Accountants are trained every day in their work to be very aware of exactly what's being spent. So they will be bothered by a discrepancy that most people haven't noticed. In accountants, that doesn't necessarily flag that they're lacking generosity in the wider sense.

I think the warning flag here is if he was pretending to be a big man to the waiter, OP. It's hard to know from what you describe. It could just be slight social awkwardness.

I think what you do depends a bit on your tolerance for social awkwardness. Some people are totally put off by it - and that's ok, there's no future with someone who makes you cringe! But if you're OK with a bit of social awkwardness providing his heart is in the right place then you could go for another date and see how he is then. Only if you like him, of course!

Then he should have just let her enter her PIN, like she was just about to do when he stopped her!

I just think you are being overly harsh on him.

It sounds like everything else about the date went well, he is good looking and you like his sense of humour. He went to the restaurant of your choice.

Yes this one moment sounds a bit awkward. It could be he hasn't been on that many dates, was trying to help but did it in a cack-handed way.

I would probably go for another date. If he has any other miser vibes then you know for sure.