Page 34 | He wants me to transfer the money. AIBU to be put off now?

whatasneezeyone · 2024-04-13T21:02:58+00:00

Had a date. Went for sushi 🍣 I got a few dishes and he seemed to be counting his coming through. I got some strawberry cheesecake mochi and he said 'that looks nice. I'll try it maybe one time. Spend enough today ahahaa' Went to tap the card as we agreed to split the bill I did my half and my card got declined. I said to the waiter, quick as a flash, I'll need to insert my pin because I've probably tapped too many times now The man I was with on the date said 'let me just get this, please' And he tapped. He's now messaging this evening saying 'can you transfer your half? As we did agree to go half. It's Santander xxx yyy lll' The followed up straight away with a link and saying 'fancy this next week?' So I have. And haven't replied back to say it's done AIBU to not be interested now? Just seems a bit petty. I personally would've just left it if the shoe was on the other foot

NeighbourhoodWatchPotholeDivision · 15/04/2024 20:55

Hell would freeze over before I had another date with a man who had either deliberately tried to humiliate me in a restaurant, or was so ignorant of 21st century life that he had done it by accident.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 15/04/2024 21:00

Zone2NorthLondon · 15/04/2024 20:15

A Few fair posters literally want a free meal, drinks because it’s a date and he’s a man and they’re a graspy princess who wants things paid for,and meals for free.

It gets dressed up in notions of manners, chivalry, etiquette, when in fact it’s just graspy and entitled . Pretending it’s manners or dating protocol or a nice man thing is just obfuscation

Actually, I admit that sometimes back in the day when I was dating properly I did occasionally use dates for a free meal, as it wasn't an issue when it came to paying and splitting a bill. In fact, I was often waved away even if I did try to pay. I do know some women who would excuse themselves to go to the toilet when the bill came, which I never did, and would never have approved of, that's just sly and rude. Most of these men earned considerably more than I did then too. One of the first things me and my friends would compare back then was cars, and I remember (this was in the mid-late 90s/early 00s) saying to my best friend about dates we were comparing and were asking us out "oh no, not another IT guy who's got a TVR!" - IT consultants then were a fairly new career but they were young like us and good looking and most of them back then drove TVRs!

We certainly were not graspy, entitled princesses though, it was just the way it was, and if the men expected the same of us (e.g. didn't want us to pay) then sorry, I'm making no excuses for that. What was I supposed to have done in the late 80s/early 90s, wrestled the card machine from the waiter and forced my card over his card with the back and forth hand movement of the card across the metal/plastic strip?!

In the 1920s, it was said that a man with a white tie and tails could dine out for free for an entire season (source: Anne De Courcy, Debs at War) at debutantes dinners, balls and other events around the season (before the debs were presented to royalty), so men have done exactly the same thing in the past, expected to have been fed and not paid for their meals back then, simply by being eligible bachelors (some were gay!), only money didn't really change hands back then.

MaybeRevisitYourWipingT3chnique · 15/04/2024 21:02

Maybe he has gone home and told his mates who think you may have tried to scam him so he's giving you a chance to pay your half as per original?

Only if he's like that bloke from The Fast Show who assumed that all of the women must fancy him rotten and was convinced that they were clearly trying to chat him up every time they asked if he'd received the report back from the sales department or if they could borrow the key to the stationery cupboard.

Generally, if somebody is trying to scam you, they will approach you in some way and seek to engage you in financial activity or commit you to complying with what they ask in some way. Only the very worst, most unsuccessful scammers will attempt to ply their 'trade' by speaking to somebody else entirely without involving you and quietly settling their own bill.

rayro2 · 15/04/2024 21:07

Would put me right off! Not that I think a man should necessarily pay for a woman but if it was the other way around I absolutely wouldn’t message and ask for half if I’d said at the time I’ll just get this.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 15/04/2024 21:08

Maybe he has gone home and told his mates who think you may have tried to scam him so he's giving you a chance to pay your half as per original?

I can honestly, hand on heart, say that if I was in the business of scamming people, I'd aim for more than £33 worth of sushi.

I would hope the OP has set her sights higher than that too

SabreIsMyFave · 15/04/2024 21:20

@Zone2NorthLondon · Today 20:15

A Few fair posters literally want a free meal, drinks because it’s a date and he’s a man and they’re a graspy princess who wants things paid for ,and meals for free.

It gets dressed up in notions of manners, chivalry, etiquette, when in fact it’s just graspy and entitled . Pretending it’s manners or dating protocol or a nice man thing is just obfuscation

Too bloody right women will get absolutely everything they can out of men when they first start dating! Men can pay for everything for the first few dates, and treat us like the fucking princesses we are.. Because the first few weeks or months of being with a man, are the only time that we're going to get treated really well by them. For many years! If they don't step up at the start, and try to impress us, they can piss off.

Women want - and NEED to know that men are going to look after them and be generous from the beginning. As when they have kids, their career and income and whole LIFE will be affected. (Whilst the man's life and career and income DOES NOT CHANGE one iota!) A man that can't or won't stump up the £££ for a first date can get to fuck. No woman should carry on dating Mr 'let's split the bill!'

Some men want women to pay half 'because equality' and 'because feminism' blah blah blah blah ... But funnily enough, this equality never extends to the grunt work, the household drudgery, and childcare when they're married/have kids. Any man that wants women to pay 50% of everything, never does 50% of everything in the house or does 50% of the childcare. He only wants EQUALITY when it comes to her paying half for everything.

AND men are more likely to be shit in bed too if they're mean with money. Selfish in the pocket = selfish in the bedroom. Any man who wanted to go 50-50 on the first date with me got thrown back into the sea.

@whatasneezeyone Ditch this loser. Meanness is a horrible trait in a man. You deserve better. The 'split the bill on the first date' men are losers. As pps have said, they are either tight-fisted and mean, or skint with money problems. No woman wants to be stuck with either one!

Zone2NorthLondon · 15/04/2024 21:25

SabreIsMyFave · 15/04/2024 21:20

@Zone2NorthLondon · Today 20:15

A Few fair posters literally want a free meal, drinks because it’s a date and he’s a man and they’re a graspy princess who wants things paid for ,and meals for free.

It gets dressed up in notions of manners, chivalry, etiquette, when in fact it’s just graspy and entitled . Pretending it’s manners or dating protocol or a nice man thing is just obfuscation

Too bloody right women will get absolutely everything they can out of men when they first start dating! Men can pay for everything for the first few dates, and treat us like the fucking princesses we are.. Because the first few weeks or months of being with a man, are the only time that we're going to get treated really well by them. For many years! If they don't step up at the start, and try to impress us, they can piss off.

Women want - and NEED to know that men are going to look after them and be generous from the beginning. As when they have kids, their career and income and whole LIFE will be affected. (Whilst the man's life and career and income DOES NOT CHANGE one iota!) A man that can't or won't stump up the £££ for a first date can get to fuck. No woman should carry on dating Mr 'let's split the bill!'

Some men want women to pay half 'because equality' and 'because feminism' blah blah blah blah ... But funnily enough, this equality never extends to the grunt work, the household drudgery, and childcare when they're married/have kids. Any man that wants women to pay 50% of everything, never does 50% of everything in the house or does 50% of the childcare. He only wants EQUALITY when it comes to her paying half for everything.

AND men are more likely to be shit in bed too if they're mean with money. Selfish in the pocket = selfish in the bedroom. Any man who wanted to go 50-50 on the first date with me got thrown back into the sea.

@whatasneezeyone Ditch this loser. Meanness is a horrible trait in a man. You deserve better. The 'split the bill on the first date' men are losers. As pps have said, they are either tight-fisted and mean, or skint with money problems. No woman wants to be stuck with either one!

Edited

Is that you Sharon Watts?When you finished monologuing about pwincesses etc… maybe the reason you end up with iffy men is you make bad choice

Fatchilli99 · 15/04/2024 21:28

YaMuvva · 13/04/2024 22:05

It’s the fact he wanted to be the Big Man Who Pays to the waiter - but not to you!

Yup , totally agree

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 15/04/2024 21:28

roses2 · 15/04/2024 09:41

Imagine had this been the other person posting:

"Went on a date today to a restaurant. I am watching the pennies but she sat there ordering x, y and z then asked to split the bill. The cheek of it given how she ordered so much more than me! Then her card got declined. I just wanted out of there so said I'd pay when in fact I wished I had told her to pay me back. I messaged her when I got home to ask to transfer half and asked to meet up again but I just said that and really don't want to see her again"

Most grown adults aren't so pathetic they'll arrange a meal out they can't afford to save face.

SabreIsMyFave · 15/04/2024 21:29

Zone2NorthLondon · 15/04/2024 21:25

Is that you Sharon Watts?When you finished monologuing about pwincesses etc… maybe the reason you end up with iffy men is you make bad choice

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No - I ended up with a pretty amazing man who was/is kind and generous. (Been together 30+ years/married nearly 30 years.) I never said ANYTHING that suggested I ended up with iffy men. Daft comment from you. 🙄

Sounds like you're projecting somewhat. Sounds like you're a man who gets women expecting you to pay on the first date, OR you're a woman who keeps getting men to expect you to pay half on the first date. Hmmmm, I wonder which it is. 😆

Whichever it is, you sound bitter. And that you don't support women being looked after and cared for. Shame on you @Zone2NorthLondon SHAME on you!

!

HollyKnight · 15/04/2024 21:43

And that you don't support women being looked after and cared for.

No one should be supporting women "being looked after". Are you new to MN? Or have you just missed all the threads by women stuck in miserable relationships because they gave up their independence to rely on men? They aren't princesses. Thinking you are a princess who should be looked after is beyond idiotic.

Blogswife · 15/04/2024 21:44

I’m going against the grain here .You had already agreed to split the bill so I think you should have asked him for his bank details before you parted ways so you could transfer the money to him when you got home. He shouldn’t have needed to ask you to do it

Lagoony · 15/04/2024 21:45

I would be really put off by this. The oddest part is actually insisting on paying after the card was declined, it's actually kind of rude, like have the patience to let someone finish paying if they're in the process. We've all been there when we've run out of taps on our contactless and have to enter the pin, it's like a weekly occursnce. The impatience would put me off more than anything.

SabreIsMyFave · 15/04/2024 21:48

HollyKnight · 15/04/2024 21:43

And that you don't support women being looked after and cared for.

No one should be supporting women "being looked after". Are you new to MN? Or have you just missed all the threads by women stuck in miserable relationships because they gave up their independence to rely on men? They aren't princesses. Thinking you are a princess who should be looked after is beyond idiotic.

Try reading my whole post FFS. (From 21.20.) And stop cherry picking bits to suit! No woman needs a man who CBA to pay on a first date, because it's a sign he won't look after you and care for you WHEN YOU NEED IT... When your income and career is affected by having babies.

I wanted a man who was kind and generous, and did try and impress me by offering to pay on the first date, and bought me flowers and chocolates and took me to nice places. We have been married many years now!

If you want a tightwad who makes you pay 50% of everything forever, and won't even stump up for a meal in McDonalds, and makes you pay for yourself 'because equality..' then crack on ... Basically, you do you. I'm worth more than that, and would never have settled for a man who was mean with money.

randomfemthinker · 15/04/2024 21:48

ilovesooty · 14/04/2024 21:50

The OP suggested the restaurant.

What a load of hyperbole. "Incel vibes"?

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It's incel vibes yes over messaging someone to invoice them after a date has been had. It's weird. Who messages someone they just met to give them their bank details to pay? It is bonkers.

Comedycook · 15/04/2024 21:54

HollyKnight · 15/04/2024 21:43

And that you don't support women being looked after and cared for.

No one should be supporting women "being looked after". Are you new to MN? Or have you just missed all the threads by women stuck in miserable relationships because they gave up their independence to rely on men? They aren't princesses. Thinking you are a princess who should be looked after is beyond idiotic.

Have you also read the threads by women on mat leave whose husband's still expect a 50/50 contribution to all bills despite their wife's earnings being severely reduced because she birthed his child.

SabreIsMyFave · 15/04/2024 21:57

Comedycook · 15/04/2024 21:54

Have you also read the threads by women on mat leave whose husband's still expect a 50/50 contribution to all bills despite their wife's earnings being severely reduced because she birthed his child.

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Thank you! That's what I'm trying to explain, but it's like pissing into the wind. Some posters just don't get it. They think they are being all radical feminist by paying for themselves, and 'sticking it to the patriarchy!' And worryingly think the men regard them as equal to them for doing this. They do NOT.

And as I said, these men who want to go 50-50, will NOT want to contribute to the domestic chores in the house, or the childcare. Their wanting to be equal only extends to making the woman pay half of everything!

I am cringing for these women!

HollyKnight · 15/04/2024 21:58

SabreIsMyFave · 15/04/2024 21:48

Try reading my whole post FFS. (From 21.20.) And stop cherry picking bits to suit! No woman needs a man who CBA to pay on a first date, because it's a sign he won't look after you and care for you WHEN YOU NEED IT... When your income and career is affected by having babies.

I wanted a man who was kind and generous, and did try and impress me by offering to pay on the first date, and bought me flowers and chocolates and took me to nice places. We have been married many years now!

If you want a tightwad who makes you pay 50% of everything forever, and won't even stump up for a meal in McDonalds, and makes you pay for yourself 'because equality..' then crack on ... Basically, you do you. I'm worth more than that, and would never have settled for a man who was mean with money.

Edited

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If that's a sign that "he won't look after you and care for you WHEN YOU NEED IT", then women expecting to be paid for is a sign that they are greedy entitled princesses who expect to be kept women. Both are complete bollocks. First dates are about getting to know each other. Not a free meal.

SabreIsMyFave · 15/04/2024 22:00

HollyKnight · 15/04/2024 21:58

If that's a sign that "he won't look after you and care for you WHEN YOU NEED IT", then women expecting to be paid for is a sign that they are greedy entitled princesses who expect to be kept women. Both are complete bollocks. First dates are about getting to know each other. Not a free meal.

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Oh dear. If you are a woman, I am actually worried for you, and for women in general.

You sound so angry. Maybe you should take a break from this thread...

.

HollyKnight · 15/04/2024 22:01

Comedycook · 15/04/2024 21:54

Have you also read the threads by women on mat leave whose husband's still expect a 50/50 contribution to all bills despite their wife's earnings being severely reduced because she birthed his child.

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Yes. I have. What's your point? You think they didn't pay for first dates? If so, I don't think you understand controlling/abusive/manipulative men.

SabreIsMyFave · 15/04/2024 22:02

@HollyKnight You sound very angry and upset. Are you OK?

I won't communicate with you anymore on this thread, and suggest you scroll past my posts, (and those from people posting similar things/disagreeing with you.) Don't want to make any more upset than you already are.

HollyKnight · 15/04/2024 22:05

SabreIsMyFave · 15/04/2024 22:00

Oh dear. If you are a woman, I am actually worried for you, and for women in general.

You sound so angry. Maybe you should take a break from this thread...

.

Edited

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You're funny. This might be hard for you to get your head around, but I too have a wonderful, kind husband. Because a relationship is about teamwork. A first date is not a relationship. No one owes anyone anything on a first date.

Comedycook · 15/04/2024 22:05

HollyKnight · 15/04/2024 21:58

If that's a sign that "he won't look after you and care for you WHEN YOU NEED IT", then women expecting to be paid for is a sign that they are greedy entitled princesses who expect to be kept women. Both are complete bollocks. First dates are about getting to know each other. Not a free meal.

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The idea that women want a free meal is utter nonsense. Virtually no woman actually thinks it's worth going on a date for a free dinner. Preferring a man to pay on a first date is actually nothing to do with a woman wanting to save money.

Comedycook · 15/04/2024 22:06

SabreIsMyFave · 15/04/2024 21:57

Thank you! That's what I'm trying to explain, but it's like pissing into the wind. Some posters just don't get it. They think they are being all radical feminist by paying for themselves, and 'sticking it to the patriarchy!' And worryingly think the men regard them as equal to them for doing this. They do NOT.

And as I said, these men who want to go 50-50, will NOT want to contribute to the domestic chores in the house, or the childcare. Their wanting to be equal only extends to making the woman pay half of everything!

I am cringing for these women!

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Yes it certainly is funny how vocal these men suddenly become about equality!

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 15/04/2024 22:08

women expecting to be paid for is a sign that they are greedy entitled princesses who expect to be kept women.

I've been with my partner for 11 years. I don't think I've ever paid for any of our meals out together.
Christ, I can't even remember the last time I took my purse out with me if we've gone on a night out together.
Not a kept woman though - I work and pay my share of the bills.