He wants me to transfer the money. AIBU to be put off now?

[whatasneezeyone]

Had a date. Went for sushi 🍣

I got a few dishes and he seemed to be counting his coming through. I got some strawberry cheesecake mochi and he said 'that looks nice. I'll try it maybe one time. Spend enough today ahahaa'

Went to tap the card as we agreed to split the bill

I did my half and my card got declined. I said to the waiter, quick as a flash, I'll need to insert my pin because I've probably tapped too many times now

The man I was with on the date said 'let me just get this, please'

And he tapped.

He's now messaging this evening saying 'can you transfer your half? As we did agree to go half. It's Santander xxx yyy lll'

The followed up straight away with a link and saying 'fancy this next week?'

So I have. And haven't replied back to say it's done

AIBU to not be interested now? Just seems a bit petty.

I personally would've just left it if the shoe was on the other foot

I had an ex who did this. Particularly in front of friends and family. At the end of the relationship (there were MANY other flaws) at a meal he made a song and dance about paying and how he was getting the bill…..so I took my phone out and said “do you want me to send my money now?” And he looked at me and said “what?” And I said “you know since you usually ask when we get back to yours-do you want me to send it now?”

He was absolutely seething, but god it felt good.

This is why a woman should never go on a date with a man who agrees to split the bills. No matter how it spins, it always looks bad. Plus he always comes across as cheap.

Aside from the money thing - which could be a misunderstanding - did you like him? If so see him again. Maybe you could discuss it and clarify it. Otherwise just pay the half and move on.

Exactly what I just wanted to say!

This. It’s a bad sign, and as others have said - the follow up asking for half would give me the ick. He seems mean.

My ex husband was like this. I paid for everything, but when it was a public situation he liked to look like the big man. At one of our child’s birthday parties we had an open bar at the venue. The waiter brought the bar bill at the end of the party and many guests were still there. The waiter handed it to my ex assuming that he would pay. So my ex was stuck and too embarrassed to hand it to me in front of everyone. He was fuming as it was upwards if £400 just for alcohol. He then proceeded to go through the itemised bill line by line and flew into a rage that someone had ordered vodka. “What kind of arsehole orders vodka at a kid’s birthday party!” It was his sister! I couldn’t stop laughing.

This is brilliant 😂😂😂😂

He was not saving her embarrassment in any way - I think we've fully established that by now. She had a bill to pay and the means, method and intention to pay it - the only slight variable was purely how her bank wished to process the transaction.

Also, you really don't need to be unable to afford something before you're allowed to accept somebody else offering to buy it for you as a gift or kind gesture.

That's quite a leap: blaming every single man in advance for the bizarre behaviour of this one man!

Plenty of people on dates manage perfectly well to agree to pay 50% each or just what they each had and then to successfully do so without any issue or drama.

Have you really never encountered a female CF/advantage-taker in your life? There are plenty of them out there as well as the male ones!

Your card declined and you're not embarrassed never mind the Ick

He should have said ‘would you like me to get it for now and we can sort it out later’. I would assume he was paying if he said it the way you describe. For me it feels he was happy to be seen as the big man in public but is now being mean behind the scenes?!?! I despise meanness to be honest and I would have just let it go unless it was a hugely expensive bill.

RTFT and you will see where this is explained over and over and over again.

OP's card did NOT decline - her bank simply wished to process her transaction slightly differently, as they frequently do as a matter of course, based on algorithms designed to protect their customers from potential fraud.

You had already agreed to go halves though

Not true. I'd be fine with him being gallant and paying, not fine with him asking for the money afterwards.

He was probably trying to save your embarrassment so just send the money. What’s the big deal ? If you see him again good. If not then you have some pride that you paid.

Personally I would have really appreciated him stepping in like that to try and cover any potential embarrassment. He did a kind thing at the time.
But, if before the meal, you decided to split the bill, then he isn’t petty to ask for your half. Every penny counts at the moment.
I think you need to have another date.

A Few fair posters literally want a free meal, drinks because it’s a date and he’s a man and they’re a graspy princess who wants things paid for,and meals for free.

It gets dressed up in notions of manners, chivalry, etiquette, when in fact it’s just graspy and entitled . Pretending it’s manners or dating protocol or a nice man thing is just obfuscation

I had a date with a guy and he made it very clear we were only having one course. When it came to splitting the bill he carefully pointed out that my meal had been £8.50 whereas his had been £8. Then he had a voucher for £2 off at the cinema. Tickets were £7 each. He insisted on paying for both tickets together (£12 with the voucher) then asked me for the money for mine. I only had a tenner so he gave me a fiver so effectively I had paid £5 and he had paid £7. He waited a bit then mentioned that he had paid more and it had been his voucher.
I bought him a drink so he didn’t feel robbed then I was off!

Maybe he has gone home and told his mates who think you may have tried to scam him so he's giving you a chance to pay your half as per original?
Give him a second chance but do you want to be with someone who is so "careful" on date number one? 🤔

Pure ick...

I've just been shopping at the supermarket. The shopping only came to £35ish, so I tried to do it as a contactless transaction, and guess what! The transaction didn't go through, so I had to put my PIN in.

I didn't need to switch to another card and I'm certainly not going to die of embarrassment that the bank automatically authenticated my identity.

His behaviour is socially weird to me, and I also would be put off by it as it suggests someone who is penny pinching and not generous. You have no obligation to date this man again and if he can’t even be arsed to show some generosity now then it’s unlikely to improve. Also, if he can’t afford to cover you he shouldn’t have offered - and really should not be having sushi dates!

He was probably trying to save your embarrassment so just send the money.

You don't normally try to save somebody's (non-existent) embarrassment by deliberately causing them embarrassment, by inventing a scenario and making a scene when they are in the middle of making a boringly normal transaction.

Granted, he didn't hold up a placard saying 'This woman has overspent and now can't afford to pay for what she ordered', but it gives a clear impression somewhere along those lines.

And his stepping in entirely unnecessarily and, in so doing, making a scene and causing OP embarrassment? Is that OP's fault too?

I think it depends honestly on the circumstances - when I went on internet dates I’d always split as obviously it’s a mutual decision to meet and see how things go over however many dates. But when a guy has invited me out to dinner/drinks, it feels a bit mean if they let me pay for it. Obviously I would always offer, and always get a round in or pay the next time…but it is ok to have someone treat you in a dynamic where you are trying to woo one another. My now husband paid on our first date and is now a sahd while I work and pay for our lifestyle, so…swings in roundabouts.