He wants me to transfer the money. AIBU to be put off now?

[whatasneezeyone]

Had a date. Went for sushi 🍣

I got a few dishes and he seemed to be counting his coming through. I got some strawberry cheesecake mochi and he said 'that looks nice. I'll try it maybe one time. Spend enough today ahahaa'

Went to tap the card as we agreed to split the bill

I did my half and my card got declined. I said to the waiter, quick as a flash, I'll need to insert my pin because I've probably tapped too many times now

The man I was with on the date said 'let me just get this, please'

And he tapped.

He's now messaging this evening saying 'can you transfer your half? As we did agree to go half. It's Santander xxx yyy lll'

The followed up straight away with a link and saying 'fancy this next week?'

So I have. And haven't replied back to say it's done

AIBU to not be interested now? Just seems a bit petty.

I personally would've just left it if the shoe was on the other foot

@Janetime

More evidence for you

Quote from a newspaper article in 2019, when the new banking guidelines came in.

From now on it will be more common for people to be asked to use chip and PIN. This is because of new industry-wide rules introduced this month designed to stamp out fraud, known as ‘strong customer authentication’.

Banks, online shops and companies processing payments are required to better verify customers’ identities.

For contactless payments, the rules now state that every time a sixth consecutive contactless payment is attempted – or if the cumulative value of consecutive contactless transactions exceeds €150 (around £135) – the card must be authenticated.

This is Money

Post-Brexit, Post-Covid guidelines from Which

In the UK, banks broadly follow the EU's second Payment Services Directive (PSD2) which means they must ask you to use chip and Pin for high value purchases, or once your cumulative contactless spend exceeds a certain level – to prove it's you using the card.These safeguards are known as 'strong customer authentication' which also affects online banking.The UK's departure from the EU means that we have set our own caps of:

• single contactless payments of up to £100, and


• cumulative contactless payments up to £300.

Digital wallets such as Apple Pay are exempt from the cap on transactions – though some retailers may apply the contactless limit – as are unattended payment terminals eg parking meters and transport systems.

That's because he had moved the goalposts and had apparently insisted on paying her half of the bill as well.

If he hadn't very clearly made it look like he was intending to cover her half of the bill, as opposed to what he was really doing, which was unnecessarily interfering in her completing a simple transaction and adding extra hassle for her, I'm sure she would have told him that she was fine, thanks.

Poor guy can't do anything right.

It was your card that was declined and perhaps he misunderstood the situation and jumped in for whatever reason..

Better that he allow you to pay next time, but sushi and dessert isn't cheap so cut him a break.

I agree. The whole thing would have annoyed me. The insisting to pay to look like a hero to the restaurant employee. Then asking for his date to transfer the money and then wanting a 2nd date.

My DS17 took a girl for a date not long ago and told me he had insisted on paying. I did say that was nice of him but told him he didn't have to pay everytime.

He didn't want to see her again for a different reason but I thought it was sweet as he had asked her out.

He didn’t insist did he? He just said “let me get this please” and tapped quickly. To save the embarrassment of the OP’s card getting declined.
But some posters think he was “showing off” to the waitress for spending £63! 🙄

She should have immediately offered to transfer the money or pay another time because they had agreed to go halves.
After all it was her card that was declined.

Why would the OP remember how much her exact share was? What an odd request.

You don't agree to a dinner date if you only can or wish to pay for the exact equivalent of your own order.

Dating costs money. You have to cut your coat before the date because being forensic when it after the bill comes is extremely unsexy.

You accept knowing the other person may want another glass of wine/pudding/side dish as the etiquette is to split down the middle or one party pay so as not to make a fuss about money in a (hopefully) romantic situation. Otherwise go for coffee, drinks or a cheaper restaurant.

Ok, in extremis if you order lobster and champagne and the other party has bread and water, it's good manners to acknowledge that when paying but it doesn't sound like that happened here at all. A simple pudding is well within what is normal when ordering. Remember it was a first date, not a dinner amongst colleagues. They wanted things to flow, show generosity of spirit and have a good time, not pick over the bill.

Once a man ordered 2x 1.5k bottles of champagne on a rather strange first date. I made very, very clear that he was welcome to do so if he particularly wished but I would not be contributing.

The OP has done nothing wrong so I'm not sure why posters are scrabbling to find some way in which she has. Her date has spoilt this by showing a either a petty streak around money which isn't attractive, or the bizarre motivation re thinking the worst and taking over in public then backtracking privately.

i am not scrabbling to find what she did was wrong, i did not like her attitude towards cost of living.

This is how I see it. He got to look good in front of the waitress, then asked for the money later. He could have let her put her card in.

The quicker contactless transaction was declined, but the card itself was fine with a standard extra security procedure that involves literally sticking your card in the machine and pressing five buttons.

Some people on here are trying to make out that this is not a perfectly normal way of using a card to make a payment. It's like, since the introduction of contactless for a slightly more convenient way of paying when it's available, they've actually forgotten how to make a standard card payment.

Some people do this with cash, too: they don't just prefer to make payments by card/digitally, which is completely fine, but they actually pretty much claim that they don't know what cash is anymore, or how you would possibly use it to buy something or transfer financial value to another person. The stories on here where grandparents kindly give their teenage grandchildren a birthday or Christmas gift in cash and it's treated as if they'd given them a flaming turd in a cardboard box.

He just interfered - and potentially showed up OP - for no reason whatsoever.

He didn't whip out a gun and force her, no, but it was a 'strong' offer - also misleadingly presented as an offer to pay (i.e. bear the cost himself), rather than just trying to interfere needlessly as though she was somehow unable to pay herself.

Some men see it as second nature to routinely undermine and infantilise women at every turn, just so they 'know their place'. They don't tend to be the ones you'd want to form a relationship of equals with.

A strong offer. 😂 all she had to say was thanks, it’s fine, I’ve got this.

and all the nonsense about men like that. He was just saving her embarrassment as her card was declined. If it wasn’t a financial issue she just had to say thanks, I’ve got this. She didn’t need to accept/

Dating costs money. You have to cut your coat before the date because being forensic when it after the bill comes is extremely unsexy.

@yousexybugger

I agree. Especially on a first date.

@LadyDanburysHat @kinkyredboots I agree with you both. It's the fake chivalry of the thing that would get to me. Playing the big man in public as if he's saving a damsel in distress and then asking for the money back (down to the penny!) in private is so crass.

It reminds me of a thread from not long ago where the OP's boyfriend had run into a friend when they were at a supermarket checkout and had made a big deal of putting her shopping in with his in front of his friend, only to then have a go at her for taking him up on the offer when they left the shop!

If there wasn't going to be another date then I'd say ask for the money. If he wanted a 2nd date he could have waited to see if OP paid for that.

Jeez, all the people saying 'You're in the wrong for not paying' can apparently not read. The OP's card was only declined when she tapped, not because she couldn't pay, and she was just about to pay with chip-and-pin when her date offered to pay saying 'Let me get this, please'. If he wanted his half of the money that much he should have said 'Oh, I'll get it for now and you can pay me back'. Saying 'Let me get this, please' and then asking for precisely half the amount to the penny is tremendously off-putting.

The carpet fitter sounds nicer, OP.

Have you now accepted that you are asked to input your pin after a number of consecutive contactless payments?

nO one HaS pOsTeD pRoOf

🙄

Keep clear. All he needed to say was "you get the next one" If he is making such an issue already, see it as a forewarning

Obviously trying to put on a show in front of the restaurant staff by making it look like he was paying 🙄

Would put me off

What sort of Restaurant was he suggesting for next week? That should tell you if he’s penny pinching or not.

I think so many people have been stung through the ages by "I forgot my wallet" which is now "my card is not working".

You need to know your date has honesty and integrity.

You agreed to split the bill - that was the agreement basis of your date. You discussed it beforehand.

I think he really liked you so offered to pay and save any embarrassment. And then he went home and thought - what if she does this to all the men and never pays?

You two don't know each other.

If you'd like to get to know each other, then maybe set up a few little cost dates, like going for walks in parks or going for coffee? You know the old-fashioned way, where people, used to get to know spouses.

If he's a tight wad, you'll find out soon enough. But first, most importantly, you weed out the scammers and exploiters.

I think it's so hard for young people. How do you quickly sort out the genuine from the scammers on swipe left/ swipe right.

That would be a hard NO for me!!