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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He wants me to transfer the money. AIBU to be put off now?

1000 replies

whatasneezeyone · 13/04/2024 22:02

Had a date. Went for sushi 🍣

I got a few dishes and he seemed to be counting his coming through. I got some strawberry cheesecake mochi and he said 'that looks nice. I'll try it maybe one time. Spend enough today ahahaa'

Went to tap the card as we agreed to split the bill

I did my half and my card got declined. I said to the waiter, quick as a flash, I'll need to insert my pin because I've probably tapped too many times now

The man I was with on the date said 'let me just get this, please'

And he tapped.

He's now messaging this evening saying 'can you transfer your half? As we did agree to go half. It's Santander xxx yyy lll'

The followed up straight away with a link and saying 'fancy this next week?'

So I have. And haven't replied back to say it's done

AIBU to not be interested now? Just seems a bit petty.

I personally would've just left it if the shoe was on the other foot

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
User284725 · 15/04/2024 08:56

I do find it a bit strange that you weren't sharing dishes, as most things like the strawberry mochi (i'm assuming Yo Sushi) come 2 to a plate. Why didn't you offer him one of them if you were planning on halving the bill anyway? But to ask you to send half the money back suggests either financial difficulties or being tight. Which would also put me off. But I do think you were tight too, not to share.

Willmafrockfit · 15/04/2024 08:56

the attitude?
in that he asked for it by text?

oh well, i havent dated for a long time, what do i know.

roses2 · 15/04/2024 09:41

Imagine had this been the other person posting:

"Went on a date today to a restaurant. I am watching the pennies but she sat there ordering x, y and z then asked to split the bill. The cheek of it given how she ordered so much more than me! Then her card got declined. I just wanted out of there so said I'd pay when in fact I wished I had told her to pay me back. I messaged her when I got home to ask to transfer half and asked to meet up again but I just said that and really don't want to see her again"

Youdontevengohere · 15/04/2024 09:43

roses2 · 15/04/2024 09:41

Imagine had this been the other person posting:

"Went on a date today to a restaurant. I am watching the pennies but she sat there ordering x, y and z then asked to split the bill. The cheek of it given how she ordered so much more than me! Then her card got declined. I just wanted out of there so said I'd pay when in fact I wished I had told her to pay me back. I messaged her when I got home to ask to transfer half and asked to meet up again but I just said that and really don't want to see her again"

If he didn’t want to see her again why, when OP said she didn’t want to see him again, would he have followed up asking if he could have another chance?

Flocke · 15/04/2024 09:56

roses2 · 15/04/2024 09:41

Imagine had this been the other person posting:

"Went on a date today to a restaurant. I am watching the pennies but she sat there ordering x, y and z then asked to split the bill. The cheek of it given how she ordered so much more than me! Then her card got declined. I just wanted out of there so said I'd pay when in fact I wished I had told her to pay me back. I messaged her when I got home to ask to transfer half and asked to meet up again but I just said that and really don't want to see her again"

I would say why didn't you specify maybe only having a coffee date if you couldn't really afford a meal. Or say to start with do you mind if we just pay for what we have?
Her card didn't actually get declined so that's a pointless bit to add in. She just needed to put her pin in. If someone was that desperate to get away from a date that they'd rather pay for them than wait 30 seconds for a pin to be entered that's very strange.
I'd then ask them why the hell they'd asked to meet again when they didn't want to??? That's very odd behaviour. Just ask for your money back and don't mention meeting up again if you don't want to!

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 15/04/2024 10:06

roses2 · 15/04/2024 09:41

Imagine had this been the other person posting:

"Went on a date today to a restaurant. I am watching the pennies but she sat there ordering x, y and z then asked to split the bill. The cheek of it given how she ordered so much more than me! Then her card got declined. I just wanted out of there so said I'd pay when in fact I wished I had told her to pay me back. I messaged her when I got home to ask to transfer half and asked to meet up again but I just said that and really don't want to see her again"

Why on earth would he go to the trouble of finding a link for an event to invite her to if he didn't want to see her again?? Madness.

Also, £63 for a meal for two isn't outrageous.

If he had to watch the pennies he should have suggested something cheaper, like coffee, or free - like a walk somewhere.
Going out for dinner with someone who comments on spending just takes the fun out of it.
If you have a budget it, set it from the start.
I'd much rather have a relaxed time with someone at a Wetherspoons curry night than a tense, anxiety ridden time with someone who is concerned about the cost of a side of chips somewhere nicer.

kinkyredboots · 15/04/2024 10:16

It’s not about the money!!its the be a hero and let me swipe my card and look cool instead of allowing op to enter her pin. The only person who did have actual money issues was the date which makes his stunt look more ridiculous.

It’s like the unasked for help as you reverse a car & suddenly your vision is blocked by a man doing an impression of a wind turbine in a gale - fully believing you will be grateful for the ‘help’.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 15/04/2024 10:39

roses2 · 15/04/2024 09:41

Imagine had this been the other person posting:

"Went on a date today to a restaurant. I am watching the pennies but she sat there ordering x, y and z then asked to split the bill. The cheek of it given how she ordered so much more than me! Then her card got declined. I just wanted out of there so said I'd pay when in fact I wished I had told her to pay me back. I messaged her when I got home to ask to transfer half and asked to meet up again but I just said that and really don't want to see her again"

Her card didn’t get declined, she had to put her card in and enter her pin no which is a common occurrence and takes all of 10 seconds. If he didn’t have the patience to wait that long I don’t think he’s cut out for the dating game.

Janetime · 15/04/2024 10:43

SchoolQuestionnaire · 15/04/2024 10:39

Her card didn’t get declined, she had to put her card in and enter her pin no which is a common occurrence and takes all of 10 seconds. If he didn’t have the patience to wait that long I don’t think he’s cut out for the dating game.

Her card did get declined, it’s right there in the op. She said it herself.

bellezarara · 15/04/2024 10:55

Janetime · 15/04/2024 10:43

Her card did get declined, it’s right there in the op. She said it herself.

Her contactless didn't work, her CHIP and PIN would still have worked if the posturing twat hadn't shoved his card forward to look like Billy big balls to the waiter.

Janetime · 15/04/2024 11:02

bellezarara · 15/04/2024 10:55

Her contactless didn't work, her CHIP and PIN would still have worked if the posturing twat hadn't shoved his card forward to look like Billy big balls to the waiter.

Edited

Goodness me, you come across as very over excited. Her card was declined. She has a mouth. She could easily have said no it’s fine and proceeded.

bellezarara · 15/04/2024 11:08

Janetime · 15/04/2024 11:02

Goodness me, you come across as very over excited. Her card was declined. She has a mouth. She could easily have said no it’s fine and proceeded.

Goodness me, aren’t you the one who had your arse handed to you yesterday when you demanded proof and then conveniently disappeared when it was provided?

He used his contactless and didn’t give OP a chance to speak, as contactless scans the card in less than a second.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 15/04/2024 11:22

On the subject of dating and splitting bills. Years ago I went on holiday, and met some other people some of whom turned out to be single. We formed a group and did a few trips around the island where we were staying. It was good fun as the men tended to tackle the driving and I don't seem to recall there being a fuss with bills as we just split the bills as we were all on holiday. When our holiday came to an end some of us swapped numbers and addresses (wouldn't do that now!) and one man asked me out for a date.

We met up and went out for a date in Covent Garden and went to a restaurant there, his suggestion. I started by asking all the small talk stuff and just chit chat, what did he do, where did he live, what car did he drive (not fishing for £££££ answers just chit chat), and some of this we'd known when on holiday together. After 20 minutes went by he suddenly spat at me "you seem to be only interested in me, you're a gold digger" - or words to that effect, in really a quite nasty tone of voice. I immediately got up, I don't think I even said a word, or maybe something like 'bye bye, you can get this' but I did say to him something about "what I've been talking to you about is normal convo/questions, I am not a gold digger" and walked out of the restaurant.

I then got the tube home, didn't take that long. After about 10 minutes of getting home, there was a ring at my doorbell and my flatmate answered the door - I'd briefly told her what had happened, and she told him to go away, that I wasn't interested in him. He was really apologetic, apologising for his behaviour and had picked up some flowers from the local petrol station (!), kept calling through our letter box.

The moral of the story though, if you can't afford to date, don't date. If you're stingy with money or touchy about it, try not to let this affect dates, as in my case, I was put off. I actually would've gone halves with him, had he asked. But this was also in the generation where most men paid for dates at least for the first few months dating, it was an unwritten rule with men/women, though you could offer to buy e.g. coffee/popcorn and drinks on a cinema date. In fact as a PP said, most men were offended if you did offer to pay and they didn't expect sex/you to put out, in return. If you were a feminist re paying as a pp said, this would put them right off you. In London and SE area.

Anyway OP, onwards and upwards as I said before, you did the right thing. I mean ffs, even sons of my friends who are now teens/early 20s, most of them would never ever expect their dates to pay on the first date from what I get told if we talk about it!

Janetime · 15/04/2024 11:22

bellezarara · 15/04/2024 11:08

Goodness me, aren’t you the one who had your arse handed to you yesterday when you demanded proof and then conveniently disappeared when it was provided?

He used his contactless and didn’t give OP a chance to speak, as contactless scans the card in less than a second.

Actually I have a life, I wasn’t hanging round like this was it for me, If proof has been provided I’m struggling to see it as so many posts, so can you repost it?

Youdontevengohere · 15/04/2024 11:27

Janetime · 15/04/2024 11:22

Actually I have a life, I wasn’t hanging round like this was it for me, If proof has been provided I’m struggling to see it as so many posts, so can you repost it?

Here you go… helpfully circled

He wants me to transfer the money. AIBU to be put off now?
YourFogLightsAreOnTheresNoFog · 15/04/2024 11:29

Janetime · 15/04/2024 11:22

Actually I have a life, I wasn’t hanging round like this was it for me, If proof has been provided I’m struggling to see it as so many posts, so can you repost it?

@Janetime I'm not to going repost my proof. It was there aswell as many others.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 15/04/2024 11:31

Janetime · 15/04/2024 10:43

Her card did get declined, it’s right there in the op. She said it herself.

I did my half and my card got declined. I said to the waiter, quick as a flash, I'll need to insert my pin because I've probably tapped too many times now

Flocke · 15/04/2024 11:39

Janetime · 15/04/2024 11:22

Actually I have a life, I wasn’t hanging round like this was it for me, If proof has been provided I’m struggling to see it as so many posts, so can you repost it?

Here's another one

He wants me to transfer the money. AIBU to be put off now?
MaybeRevisitYourWipingT3chnique · 15/04/2024 11:40

Janetime · 15/04/2024 11:02

Goodness me, you come across as very over excited. Her card was declined. She has a mouth. She could easily have said no it’s fine and proceeded.

She did - she commented "Ah, it wants me to enter my PIN", before going to do so.

She didn't act like Penelope Pitstop and shout "Haaaayyyyllllpppp!!!!" in the hope that a man would come and save a foolish and helpless little lady.

Takemetosunshine · 15/04/2024 11:49

"he said 'that looks nice. I'll try it maybe one time. Spend enough today ahahaa'"

Ick. No thank you. Transfer your half of the bill and then decline any future dates.

I once dated a bloke (when I was much younger!) who, when it was his round, would come back to the table and go on about on how much more my wine was than his beer (literally about £1 difference 😂). He mentioned it that many times I ended up just giving him a fiver at the end of one date to cover the difference in drinks prices then never saw him again. He was a Solicitor who lived at home with his (very wealthy) parents. Generally it's the ones with the most money who are the biggest tightwads.

Bookworm1111 · 15/04/2024 11:51

MaybeRevisitYourWipingT3chnique · 15/04/2024 11:40

She did - she commented "Ah, it wants me to enter my PIN", before going to do so.

She didn't act like Penelope Pitstop and shout "Haaaayyyyllllpppp!!!!" in the hope that a man would come and save a foolish and helpless little lady.

But equally she didn't intervene and say 'No, don't do that, I can pay my half thanks'. People are acting like OP had no agency in stopping him paying – yet the waitress would've had to reset the card machine to reflect he was now paying the full amount and not just the half that OP had tried and failed to pay. The waitress would have had to void the amount on the screen, which often results in a receipt being printed for the till. There would've been ample time during the card machine reset for OP to stop him.

Thegoodbadandugly · 15/04/2024 11:57

Plumeface · 13/04/2024 22:14

OP clearly said it was because she'd not used her PIN in a while.

And frankly if you thought someone's card had been declined due to lack of funds and therefore decided to pay for them, why would you then ask for half of it back?

They agreed to split the bill.

Willmafrockfit · 15/04/2024 13:12

wow some of you are really hard work
you want a man to pay as its a first date!
yet you dont want him to be gallant and offer to help you out when your card didnt work.

can't win

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 15/04/2024 13:16

Willmafrockfit · 15/04/2024 13:12

wow some of you are really hard work
you want a man to pay as its a first date!
yet you dont want him to be gallant and offer to help you out when your card didnt work.

can't win

Don't think OP would have made a post if he'd simply said 'everything ok? Want me to put it on my card and you transfer later?'

ilovesooty · 15/04/2024 13:22

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 15/04/2024 13:16

Don't think OP would have made a post if he'd simply said 'everything ok? Want me to put it on my card and you transfer later?'

Maybe he should have done. However there are plenty of posts on here from people who've felt socially awkward and worry that they've said or done the wrong thing.

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