He wants me to transfer the money. AIBU to be put off now?

[whatasneezeyone]

Had a date. Went for sushi 🍣

I got a few dishes and he seemed to be counting his coming through. I got some strawberry cheesecake mochi and he said 'that looks nice. I'll try it maybe one time. Spend enough today ahahaa'

Went to tap the card as we agreed to split the bill

I did my half and my card got declined. I said to the waiter, quick as a flash, I'll need to insert my pin because I've probably tapped too many times now

The man I was with on the date said 'let me just get this, please'

And he tapped.

He's now messaging this evening saying 'can you transfer your half? As we did agree to go half. It's Santander xxx yyy lll'

The followed up straight away with a link and saying 'fancy this next week?'

So I have. And haven't replied back to say it's done

AIBU to not be interested now? Just seems a bit petty.

I personally would've just left it if the shoe was on the other foot

I went for lunch earlier - I couldn't tell you how much my share came to.

Are you the OP and had a name-change fail?

And? Did you just get whatever you wanted knowing everyone else might be subsidising you?

Why does that matter?

@SoreAndTired1 no, I was just pointing out that it's not unreasonable that the OP isn't sure what her meal came to

Because everyone here is talking like she was made to pay for her meal completely by herself. No acknowledgment that this man covered some of it. No consideration that maybe he was choosing his dishes carefully because he knew he would be covering 50% of the total bill that the OP was freely running up as she doesn't have money worries.

Plenty of threads on MN about CFs going wild when they know bills are being split equally. Plenty of threads on MN by people thinking it's unfair that they have to pay the same for a side salad and glass of water as the wine and lobster people.

If I had noticed the guy was having to restrict what he ordered, I would have said "I'll just pay for my own because I've ordered a lot more than you." Only a cheeky fucker would have seen that, still ordered what they wanted, and still expected the other person to cover 50% of it.

@HollyKnight I got exactly what I wanted, as did my friends, and then we all split the bill.

Still couldn't tell you what I ordered cost. or if it was £3 more or less than anyone else's.

@aperolspritzbasicbitch if you saw one of your friends not being able to get what they wanted because of the cost, would you still expect that friend to pay the same as everyone else?

Well no, but that would be discussed well in advance - and we would pick something to suit everyone's budget.

None of my friends would swoop in to act the hero in front of a waitress by declaring that they 'had this' and paying a bill that they couldn't afford before then asking for my half either though.

I still think the date went wrong before it came to the bill, as he commented about having spent enough already! This would be a red flag for me, no matter how the bill was paid!

Well a discussion didn't happen beforehand. The OP did see that he wasn't getting as much as her, and she still expected him to pay for half of it, and she was still happy to let him cover the lot when she thought that was what he was offering.

As I think he should have paid the full thing anyway, it's moot. If he can't afford to date, he shouldn't. The CF stories about work events are different.

He can't afford to date CFs maybe.

I thought this. It seems as though he wanted to be the big I am in public, but in private it’s a different story. Not a good look imo. The person he should have been trying to impress is the op and he’s failed miserably. It’s not about the money, if he hadn’t jumped in to pay, the op would have thought nothing of splitting the bill but this performance is frankly ridiculous. If I offered to pay I would just bloody well pay, I wouldn’t message after the fact asking for half.

I agree. The person you need to impress is your date, not the wait staff who frankly couldnt give a toss (done the job for years, really we dont care if we even notice, which is unlikely!)

At the very least he should have said "Dont worry, you get it next time, if you would like there to be a next time as I would!" And you make sure that the place you go to is in roughly the same price bracket so it evens out.

As for Mr Carpet Fitter saying "its on me" well for some men its a point of honour that they pay, at least in the early days. I have noticed that it seems to be an age and regional thing. I am in the Midlands (yes yes, generalisation but from my own experience) Midland and Northern Men expect and will insist on paying full whack, Southern Men will ask the "How are we paying?" question early on. Same with men in the 50's and older, they expect to stump up whereas younger men not so much. Its cultural really and while yes there are some who think "I paid for dinner so she owes me a shag" those men would still expect the shag no matter who paid the actual bill.

Yes, indeed.

Even if this thread were about who should pay for a date, this comment makes it sound like a man is on trial at every date, assumed guilty, rather than it being two people of equal status hopefully showing honesty and respect to each other, as they both evaluate attraction and potential compatibility.

How is the man meant to know that the woman isn't the world's biggest gold-digger? Or are we just doing the tiresome thing of assuming that every man is bad and a user but no woman could ever possibly be the same?

This!
Have a friend who is very tight herself. She claims to be an independent woman, but expects men to pay on the first date -all her dates are OLD, so entirely different situation to the olden days when there would have been an element of flirtation and at least an element of initial attraction in RL and people did not date multiple people because you never would have met multiple people, or gone on dates with complete strangers.
Unreasonable to expect a stranger always to pick up the tab when mostly you won’t meet again. My friend is 68 so thought maybe it was an older person thing, but seems like there are freeloaders of all ages.

i hope he finds someone lovely, who does not get annoyed by the Cost of Living issue

Yes I did. Ages ago!

No you haven’t. You said what the total bill was. How much of the £63 was just for your food and drink, seeing as you said in the OP that you ordered more dishes?

I can’t imagine judging someone so harshly for potentially having less money than me but judging by this thread we are clearly in a minority!

mindblowing !

Why would she not take in to account a difference of finances when finding a partner?
She doesn't want to adjust her current standard of living to match his.
Seems wise to me - the alternative will only lead to resentment

Oh bore off. She hasn't given her itemised bill because she most likely doesn't know as, like me and most people I know, she wasn't sitting there with a calculator. She also never said she ordered more dishes, she said she ordered dessert which he didn't. I'd bet the house that Mr Tightarse ordered more than her anyway with his I've spent enough already remarks. He also ordered specials.

I dated someone like this and I still get a shudder when I think about him. I saw him five times so definitely four more than I should have. He was a friend of a friend who spoke very highly of him.

The first time we went out it was for drinks so we took turns, no problems except he'd finsih his drink slap mine not yet finished barking 'your round'. Then the next date it was drinks.
again. I mentioned I wasn't too into the pub nights so could we go for some food or for a hike next time. He seemed a bit thrown and I wasn't impressed but I had been getting pressure from all sides to stop being so trigger happy every time I met someone.

We went for some casual food in a nice bar and I was surprised but grateful when he said he'd get it. He did but then walking out announced drinks were on me and headed into the closest bar. I definitely spent more on his drinks then he spent on the food. The next date was a walk at my insistence - you can't get to know somebody when alcohol is always involved. I remember stopping for coffees and snacks. I picked them up and - this was the point the ick started - said "I'll get these", he stopped said incredulously "really?" then a very strange look came over his face, it was sort of like a private cheer. I realised we had very different attitudes to money, I'm relaxed about it as if you're with someone decent it all evens out.

The next and last date was a late gig and dinner. We met and I'd picked up the tickets. I was there first and would have gotten them. We went for a drink before dinner. Just as we sat down i checked my phone for emergencies and noticed he'd messaged me earlier when he was on his way in.

His text said "your turn to pay so you can get the tickets." I was immediately turned off. I still don't know how it was my turn, I assume he meant the casual food two dates ago. I said nothing but was quietly turned off. We ordered food. I'm vegetarian and don't tend to eat more than one course. I drank one glass of wine as we were going to a gig. None of these decisions were money related but lifestyle. He ordered a three course meal including steak and a bottle of red wine which he drank. The bill came and he said "shall we split?" then proceeded to split the bill down the middle. I handed over 70 quid for my veggie pasta and glass of wine and handed him the tickets telling him to enjoy the show.

Yes I know people will say I shouldn't have paid, shouldn't have given him the tickets etc but money was not the problem for me. His grabby nature was. I found it utterly repulsive.

I don't believe it was about him having less money. It was his attitude.