He wants me to transfer the money. AIBU to be put off now?

[whatasneezeyone]

Had a date. Went for sushi 🍣

I got a few dishes and he seemed to be counting his coming through. I got some strawberry cheesecake mochi and he said 'that looks nice. I'll try it maybe one time. Spend enough today ahahaa'

Went to tap the card as we agreed to split the bill

I did my half and my card got declined. I said to the waiter, quick as a flash, I'll need to insert my pin because I've probably tapped too many times now

The man I was with on the date said 'let me just get this, please'

And he tapped.

He's now messaging this evening saying 'can you transfer your half? As we did agree to go half. It's Santander xxx yyy lll'

The followed up straight away with a link and saying 'fancy this next week?'

So I have. And haven't replied back to say it's done

AIBU to not be interested now? Just seems a bit petty.

I personally would've just left it if the shoe was on the other foot

Nope, I wouldn't bother and I don't mean it in a money grabbing, materialistic way but he has already said he had spent enough that day and then he asked for the money. He sounds tight and broke and you need security and peace of mind for your future

@Calliopespa yes I'd do that with a friend.

But not a first date. As she didn't want to see him again. She was put off by one small misunderstanding.as many of us are after first dates. So best to assume there won't be a next time when sorting payments.

Yes. But that’s for her to decide.

He was wanting another date as I understand it, yet still asked for a transfer before he knew there wasn’t a second date. Or have I misunderstood that?

Same here.

Was the para about the transfer?

He did ask first for the transfer., then asked for another date.

He would have looked a dick if he had asked her for a second date then on being declined said -okay -send me money for first date.

I agree with others that he paid to look good . My ex did this all the time..insisted on paying and generally showboating..then reminding me later all about it.
It's not a good look.

I think there is a halfway position too, which is that he was just covering her half because the card didn’t work

But there was no suggestion that the card didn't work - that was purely in his head.

Why would you so insistently offer to help solve a 'problem' that doesn't exist - especially by saying "Please let me get that for you" rather than "My card should work OK - we can settle it later"?

And on my Lloyds debit card too I think, or Apple pay, either one of those, can't recall which. Or it doesn't say, but I know what it means...

I too would think that someone had money issues if their card was declined as my experience across 3 different cards is that it tells me too insert the card after a tap. It has never said declined i also don't recall it happening to others j know.

(Barclaycard Halifax and Santander)

With a friend I'd offer to just get it this time as I know they are good for it.

With a blind date i'd let them sort it themselves -ie pay cash or try another card. i'd be wary it was some game/scam.

so he ie nicer than i'd be here with a date who appeared to have financial trouble's.

silly system to say decline if it means insert card. bound to cause confusion.

Cards can be declined for all sorts of reasons that aren’t money issues. I can think of numerous times my card has been declined, and I’ve never even been close to going overdrawn. The most common reason is an issue with the card provider or with the payment acceptance equipment (I work in this area). So I’d never assume that a declined card is as due to money issues.

It's one of those systems with contactless and chip and pin and even Apple Pay (I think) that sometimes screws with your head if you don't remember which card does what!

I've been happily paying for something (mostly use Apple Pay now) and the odd one, it might decline (that's prob the Lloyds debit card) and I'll be like 'shit, how much have I spent?!' - and sometimes it's on a day when I have indeed been tap happy. So it sort of pulls you up. It is so easy, too easy, especially with Apple Pay, to just tap and go. At least with a debit card, I have to get it out of my card wallet, but I used to have a wristlet for my phone with cards inside which was just as easy.

On a few occasions in the past, maybe my salary didn't go into my bank account on the right day, there were errors, my mortgage payment was taken a day late or early or something like that, or even my card had been stolen/cloned and I had no idea - and I was indeed out of funds but I had no idea why, unless I visited an ATM, this was probably pre-internet banking or it was in it's early days.

But even now, sometimes, I have a slight panic if my card/Apple Pay is declined, that something is up, but often it's just the security measures put in place.

9/10 a declined card isn't due to money issues in a lot of cases, especially nowadays, it's more to protect against fraud, I believe.

Yes obviously cards are declined for many reasons.

But it still all means -can't use this card to pay the bill. You need to find another way to pay.

I'd offer another card to pay if my card was declined. Not trying to same again with a pin.

Well in future you could try using the same card with the pin, as 9 times out of 10 that will resolve the issue.

Honestly, cards being declined these days, it happens all the time to me and I have plenty of money (ha!) but I'm also close friends with 3 shop owners locally, they all tell me, they're so used to this happening with their card machines, methods of payment etc - sometimes it's internet connection if they have a wireless contactless method, sometimes the card machine is very glitchy. They've got so used to doing a sympathetic face and asking to use chip and pin or try it again though or a different card. I used to work in a solicitors with a card machine and once it had an issue with the software or the machine itself or the connection, every 5th or 6th transaction it would simply decline with no reason, which was so embarrassing. It was even more cringeworthy, as our clients were mostly wealthy, but it got fixed in the end and was only dodgy for a month, longest month of our lives though! Luckily my boss did accept cash too.

YANBU. You had both suggested going halves but the dynamic changed when he said he'd take care of it over the delay over paying, which you'd assume after spending time together it has gone really well and he enjoyed your company so was happy to do it, knowing you'd just cover the next time BUT instead of establishing a growing connection with you and messaging with, "Thanks for a lovely time. I really enjoyed it. I came home smiling. Would love to meet again next week, if you're free" and trust you to just cover it the following date, he sent you the invoice. A man who is into you and is decent quality does not DO that. He is tight, not emotionally intelligent, is luke warm about you and gives off "incel vibes".

For me, if a man isn't fighting with you to pay for the first date then it's the ick on so many levels. If a man doesn't want to pay much for the first date and keep dating more affordable, that is fine, too. Just go for coffee and cover that and not choose expensive speciality restaurants and bill people. Maybe he was awkward over the choice, though if he wondered if they served chips?

"Progressive, feminists fight and pay their first meal now."

Fuck that shaming at women or anyone who prefers a more "traditional role". Or just something in the middle. A man needs to pay and show his ability to step up on the first date otherwise years down the line, it becomes a post here about lazy "cocklodger" guy. Guy won't support me in maternity. Guy won't pay his share for the kids and so on. Most likely selfish in other ways, too over the household. First dates people are meant to be presenting their best. This wouldn't be a man for me.

OP, this is him at his BEST. Unless you think he's so "out of this world" in every other way you've never felt like it and it's something you could address/chat over the next time, I'd leave it and do the other date. Or if not sure you could see again and update us over the thread lol.

Best of luck.

I agree that 'declined' is deliberately ambiguous, but maybe a lot of it is down to the fact that many of us assume 'declined' means 'skint', when it is really just a neutral term, as far as the banks are concerned.

I've had payments declined before when not even using contactless - because the card issuer identifies it as a potentially suspicious payment. Apparently, this is a huge issue for companies that sell laptops online, as these are very popular with card thieves.

The issuer declines this particular requested transaction, but may then ask for (or leave you to guess at) a more secure means of authorising that the payment is genuine - such as entering your PIN, receiving a call from the bank or having to contact them to tell them that, yes, it was indeed you wanting to make a genuine large transaction and not a fraudster.

Another thought that occurs to me is that, if it were a card thief trying to use your card, them receiving the message 'declined' when using a stolen card gives them no clues as to whether they should somehow try to find/guess your PIN for the payment to go through, or if you are just skint full-stop, thus they're barking up the wrong tree as there's nothing there for them to steal. Annoying though it may be for the genuine card-holder, anything that leaves a thief apprehensive or unsure can't be a bad thing.

Weirdly invested and need to know what his paragraph long text was. Also, he only said “I’ll get this” so he could show off to the waitress and not look like a cheapskate. But clearly he is. If you say you’ll get it you get it. Whether it’s a date or not. And normal people would be too cringed out to actually chase it up like a bloody debt collector. Also for anyone saying it was pre agreed you’d split - yes.but then he changed his mind and said he’d get it. So no you didn’t owe him at all op. Reg flag. Also the chip thing is weird and he obviously just thinks he’s deserving and entitled.

You let yourself down (and ironically him) by not telling him EXACTLY why you don't want to see him again. You were far too nice, and a doormat even at the end. You should unblock him, tell him his money-grabbing behaviour is a turn off and a bad look, and say good luck getting any woman if you don't change your attitude'. Then re-block.

My Nationwide card is declined about once a month, almost invariably in the small local Coop. I do small shops there two or three times a week. No, it's not just me. Both staff and customers are completely unfazed by this, and it takes less than a minute to simply shove the card into the machine and enter your PIN.

I have idly wondered if they have more than the usual number of stolen cards used there, and the banks are aware of it? But it really is no big deal, and if the man I was shopping with said "Let me just get this, please" I'd think he was barking mad.

It's such a minefield with fraud and banks and cards you wouldn't believe!

Back in the 00's when I worked in the Spitalfields area, the local Barclays bank we all used, the thieves had put one of those cloning card devices over or inside where you inserted the card, yet it took forever, or it happened more than once with this machine, for the actual bank staff inside the branch, to do anything about it! Classic.

Then when I had a bit of money at 25 (inheritance). I recall trying to make an expensive purchase at a designer clothes shop (for a bag), cue the assistant either at the time or later, I can't recall, ringing me on my mobile (this was in the fairly early days of mobiles too) to double check I actually wanted to process this payment as it was a very large amount of money (which I definitely had) but obviously the bank had no idea if my card had been stolen or not and someone else was buying expensive bags. I actually, at one point, had a debit card with my photo on the back or front so the assistants could look at me and the card, and if it was e.g. a Chinese looking person then it couldn't be me!

I actually don't know how card issuers etc or Apple Pay keep track of fraud, as it is still such a big business. Only the other day, my hairdresser's son who's 24, had his brand new iphone stolen by a man on an E-Scooter and within 10 minutes he'd cleared his account of his salary, luckily he's covered, as he did a police report, had witnesses, and the fraud team at Apple/his bank were very good. I have no idea how they accessed his password/passcode but somehow they cracked it, quickly, though he says it was a hard to guess one.

The OP suggested the restaurant.

What a load of hyperbole. "Incel vibes"?

Someone once nicked my Barclaycard details from an online shop and ordered 2 dozen (magenta !!!) printer ink cartridges from somewhere else. Foolishly, they failed to change the email address and so I was alerted to the delivery time/date and the delivery address! I reported it to Barclaycard (who cancelled the card, replaced it and reimbursed me without question) and to the online fraud people who didn't give a shit because it was only about £120. I was quite cross about that.

I noticed the OP still hasn't answered how much her food came to.