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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He wants me to transfer the money. AIBU to be put off now?

1000 replies

whatasneezeyone · 13/04/2024 22:02

Had a date. Went for sushi 🍣

I got a few dishes and he seemed to be counting his coming through. I got some strawberry cheesecake mochi and he said 'that looks nice. I'll try it maybe one time. Spend enough today ahahaa'

Went to tap the card as we agreed to split the bill

I did my half and my card got declined. I said to the waiter, quick as a flash, I'll need to insert my pin because I've probably tapped too many times now

The man I was with on the date said 'let me just get this, please'

And he tapped.

He's now messaging this evening saying 'can you transfer your half? As we did agree to go half. It's Santander xxx yyy lll'

The followed up straight away with a link and saying 'fancy this next week?'

So I have. And haven't replied back to say it's done

AIBU to not be interested now? Just seems a bit petty.

I personally would've just left it if the shoe was on the other foot

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
burnoutbabe · 14/04/2024 19:01

MyFirstLittlePony · 14/04/2024 18:27

@Janetime it happens to me every now and then, especially if I am at a new place

it is to with banks using AI and the AI seeing unusual patterns

i am with Barclays btw

Yes one expects it would look for unusual patterns or a sudden increased velocity in payments. Just got fraud prevention.

cliovillee · 14/04/2024 19:02

CurlyhairedAssassin · 14/04/2024 18:58

The dates wouldn't have been "taking yours", though, would they? If you have a whole slice of cake, "taking yours" would mean eating all of it. That's what "taking yours" means. Offering one mouthful to someone else for them to taste it isn't going to detract from your enjoyment of the majority of the cake. If you're a normal person, that is. Who isn't setting some kind of secret compatibility/wealth test to their unsuspecting date using dessert. 😆

You're missing the point, it's the fact he said he couldn't afford dessert which would massively put me off. It would have been a no go for me from that point onwards.

MsLuxLisbon · 14/04/2024 19:02

ilovesooty · 14/04/2024 19:01

No man worth his salt? That's your opinion. Perhaps some men get a bit tired of going on dates with freeloading women after a free meal.

It is my opinion. Cheapness isn't the look.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/04/2024 19:06

My last boyfriend, I think on our first date, we agreed to go halves, fine. Over the next few months it was always halves, apart from on my birthday when we got a burrito meal from a sort of kiosk/pop up van and drinks separately at a similar kiosk/drinks van - and I insisted he pay for all of this then. I was going to do the same for him on his birthday when it came around.

But from then on (he does work, does have money, but works on contracts in TV), it was either freebie dates - so film previews with canapes/free drinks, parties, or things where he didn't have to get his wallet out. It was when his housemate's wife (he rents out a room in his house to friends of his who stay over a few times a month when they need a room, also in the same industry) said something about "moths coming out of your wallet" and asked him when he was going to take me anywhere nice - it was always me suggesting places to go - that I thought, after a year of dating him, that he wouldn't get any better.

He had actually just offered that same month to buy me a Christmas present and named a price (I was quite surprised but impressed by that) he could afford but I think he was just tight generally, which is a real turnoff for me, especially when you don't have dependants and it's just you to think about.

I personally find it really icky when men or women depending on which sex you date don't offer to pay occasionally for you, whilst you're dating, not on every date, but at least sometimes. Generally I find, most men earn double or triple what women earn (gender pay gap?!) and have less outgoings when it comes to a date and preparing for them. What do men have to do, shave, shower and iron a shirt/t-shirt? Women spend far more, in general, on hair, makeup, outfit (am generalising here as not all women do this) for a date. I've never begrudged the extra expense though.

The absolute worst is men who expect sex or you to 'put out' after you've had a meal which they've said they'll pay for on a first date and have invited you on first (general dating etiquette is if a man asks for a first date, he pays for it all). I've known women who've used men for dates and got them to pay (can't say I've done this or if I have, it's been totally unintentional).

I've also had the card declined after you've tapped it a few times during the same day. This man should definitely have allowed you to have paid rather than assumed he was paying (but then wanting to claw back half of it). I'd be really turned off.

I've known men who've been 'poor', who've insisted on paying for a first date in full as it was manners, and didn't expect anything in return. Also, I tend to find (maybe true or not?!) stingy with money, stingy in the bed?!

I've also found out, it can be really tricky when properly dating men/women to work out the 'payment schedule' - e.g. if you go Dutch all the time, some of the time, do you let them get cinema tickets and you e.g. get drinks and popcorn [popcorn] etc?! Such a minefield...

Throw this one back and concentrate on the other guy!

Rewis · 14/04/2024 19:06

My account at Santander says

  • Contactless uses the same security features as Chip and PIN. We'll sometimes ask for a Chip and PIN transaction to confirm that it's still you using the card. So, if a contactless transaction is declined, try Chip and PIN instead.
cliovillee · 14/04/2024 19:08

Also what's up with the "freeloading women" comment? Some men want to pay for the first date. If a man offered to do that I'd accept, that doesn't make me a freeloader. Same as if I offer to pay for a date or for a friend's meal that doesn't make them a freeloader.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/04/2024 19:08

MsLuxLisbon · 14/04/2024 19:02

It is my opinion. Cheapness isn't the look.

I knew a man once who it was said by other men who knew him or were his friends, that he was 'tighter than a knat's arse'! Grin

The irony was, he was generous in other ways (he used to arrange for us all to have MTV guest list and other VIP access/tickets/freebies as my best friend and her friends were his 'friends'). So he was generous in one sense!

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/04/2024 19:09

cliovillee · 14/04/2024 19:08

Also what's up with the "freeloading women" comment? Some men want to pay for the first date. If a man offered to do that I'd accept, that doesn't make me a freeloader. Same as if I offer to pay for a date or for a friend's meal that doesn't make them a freeloader.

Feminism gone mad.

Itsonlymashadow · 14/04/2024 19:10

MsLuxLisbon · 14/04/2024 19:00

They didn't, but they would have failed even sooner had the men not paid for us both on the first couple of dates. Why is that so hard to understand? Just because someone fills one of a set of criteria which are the bare minimum to go on to another date, doesn't mean that you are going to live happily ever after. Good grief, I don't believe that adults need something to simple to be explained to them.

But that’s only because you won’t date someone that won’t pay.

You would have ended it sooner. Thats a decision that you make. You caused that outcome with a conscious decision. Going halves and length of relationship isn’t inexplicably linked.

Your claim that men not paying for first date is someone sort of predictor of wether a relationship will work or not, is completely flawed.

That’s like me saying I don’t date men who wear make up. And I know it’s the right thing because the one time I went on a date with a man with make up on, it didn’t work out. It wouldn’t work out because I would come home and choose not to date them again.

But I will go back to the one of the first questions. If you are ‘their date’ so should be paid for. What are the men? Are they not your date?

burnoutbabe · 14/04/2024 19:10

lol at no man worth his salt would not pay.

How about those of us who want an equal partner? To share life with rather than some man who thinks women are lesser and their money is for say make up and clothes. Is happy if the woman had a career and maybe even EARNS MORE!
Shock horror.

Bookworm1111 · 14/04/2024 19:11

MsLuxLisbon · 14/04/2024 18:56

No man worth his salt lets a woman go halves on a first date. And why on earth should the OP have pushed her cheesecake over? He was being cheap, end of. Cheapness is an awful trait in a date.

So is being greedy and freeloading.

Itsonlymashadow · 14/04/2024 19:11

MsLuxLisbon · 14/04/2024 19:02

It is my opinion. Cheapness isn't the look.

It’s not the look for women then either is it?

cliovillee · 14/04/2024 19:15

burnoutbabe · 14/04/2024 19:10

lol at no man worth his salt would not pay.

How about those of us who want an equal partner? To share life with rather than some man who thinks women are lesser and their money is for say make up and clothes. Is happy if the woman had a career and maybe even EARNS MORE!
Shock horror.

How do you work out a man offering to pay for a first date with him thinking women are lesser? My DH paid for the first date and I assure you we are equal partners.

Some of you are crackers. Paying for someone occasionally is just a nice thing to do. I do it for my friends all the time.

MaybeRevisitYourWipingT3chnique · 14/04/2024 19:15

Plumeface · 14/04/2024 18:15

Incorrect. Check the Halifax link I posted earlier. Not all banks are the same.

To be honest, I reckon all banks probably ARE the same - in that none of them would have a system whereby a thief could easily steal a millionaire's bank card and use it to empty out the account with endless contactless transactions for £99.99.

I'm astonished both at the people who don't realise that it's a very standard basic function of the contactless system that you will be asked for a PIN (regardless of how much you've spent) every now and then; and also those who can't get it into their heads that sometimes 'declined' means 'you need to enter your PIN to authorise the payment this time', as opposed to 'you are utterly broke and therefore unable to make this payment from your account, whilst everybody laughs at you for your skintness'.

cliovillee · 14/04/2024 19:16

MaybeRevisitYourWipingT3chnique · 14/04/2024 19:15

To be honest, I reckon all banks probably ARE the same - in that none of them would have a system whereby a thief could easily steal a millionaire's bank card and use it to empty out the account with endless contactless transactions for £99.99.

I'm astonished both at the people who don't realise that it's a very standard basic function of the contactless system that you will be asked for a PIN (regardless of how much you've spent) every now and then; and also those who can't get it into their heads that sometimes 'declined' means 'you need to enter your PIN to authorise the payment this time', as opposed to 'you are utterly broke and therefore unable to make this payment from your account, whilst everybody laughs at you for your skintness'.

No coincidence to be honest that those posters are also the ones stubbornly insisting this was perfectly normal behaviour from the OP's date.

MaybeRevisitYourWipingT3chnique · 14/04/2024 19:20

It's also a disgraceful thing to do to clearly tell somebody that you will pay for them for something and then change your mind (or have been lying all along). This is the same whether it's a date, a brother, a grandmother, a friend, a boss or whoever.

If you don't want to pay for them - and you have every right in the world not to - you simply make sure that you don't say "Here, let me get that for you" or something similar.

You might like the embarrassment that such an action invariably brings, but your victim almost certainly doesn't.

INeedToClingToSomething · 14/04/2024 19:22

YaMuvva · 13/04/2024 22:05

It’s the fact he wanted to be the Big Man Who Pays to the waiter - but not to you!

This. That's what would annoy me about it. It's pretending to pay so he looks good and then asking for half later. That would put me right off. Says a lot about his character. None of it good.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 14/04/2024 19:22

It’s not the look for women then either is it?

I agree. It seems feminism is lost on some women. Deep down, do some women expect just to be "looked after" by men? Are they really only looking for a provider? Perhaps all those bras got burnt in vain.

In the 90s when I was dating it just wasn't done for a woman to accept a man paying for her on a first date. You just wouldn't dream of allowing it because it was seen as so old-fashioned and like something your mum would have expected. If he offered to pay you'd be wary, and if he insisted that he paid then you'd be totally scared off, because usually it indicated that he was some kind of chauvinist who thought women were the weaker sex and needed looking after.

WTF happened to the generation after?

MsLuxLisbon · 14/04/2024 19:24

CurlyhairedAssassin · 14/04/2024 19:22

It’s not the look for women then either is it?

I agree. It seems feminism is lost on some women. Deep down, do some women expect just to be "looked after" by men? Are they really only looking for a provider? Perhaps all those bras got burnt in vain.

In the 90s when I was dating it just wasn't done for a woman to accept a man paying for her on a first date. You just wouldn't dream of allowing it because it was seen as so old-fashioned and like something your mum would have expected. If he offered to pay you'd be wary, and if he insisted that he paid then you'd be totally scared off, because usually it indicated that he was some kind of chauvinist who thought women were the weaker sex and needed looking after.

WTF happened to the generation after?

We got a clue.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 14/04/2024 19:26

cliovillee · 14/04/2024 19:15

How do you work out a man offering to pay for a first date with him thinking women are lesser? My DH paid for the first date and I assure you we are equal partners.

Some of you are crackers. Paying for someone occasionally is just a nice thing to do. I do it for my friends all the time.

But when it's a first date "paying for someone occasionally" won't necessarily happen, because there might not BE any more dates. It's different if you've agreed that you're going to date, take it in turns depending on who is skinter, treat the other one for their birthday, whatever.

But it's really crass to expect a man to pay for a first date with a woman just because he has a penis. And that's basically what it boils down to.

Bookworm1111 · 14/04/2024 19:26

MsLuxLisbon · 14/04/2024 19:24

We got a clue.

To return to the 1950s?

cliovillee · 14/04/2024 19:26

CurlyhairedAssassin · 14/04/2024 19:22

It’s not the look for women then either is it?

I agree. It seems feminism is lost on some women. Deep down, do some women expect just to be "looked after" by men? Are they really only looking for a provider? Perhaps all those bras got burnt in vain.

In the 90s when I was dating it just wasn't done for a woman to accept a man paying for her on a first date. You just wouldn't dream of allowing it because it was seen as so old-fashioned and like something your mum would have expected. If he offered to pay you'd be wary, and if he insisted that he paid then you'd be totally scared off, because usually it indicated that he was some kind of chauvinist who thought women were the weaker sex and needed looking after.

WTF happened to the generation after?

What a load of simplistic shite you talk. If I let a man pay for a date it doesn't mean I get officially banished by the sisterhood. That kind of absolutist view is exactly what turns so many women off feminism.

Bookworm1111 · 14/04/2024 19:27

But it's really crass to expect a man to pay for a first date with a woman just because he has a penis. And that's basically what it boils down to.

Well said!

cliovillee · 14/04/2024 19:27

CurlyhairedAssassin · 14/04/2024 19:26

But when it's a first date "paying for someone occasionally" won't necessarily happen, because there might not BE any more dates. It's different if you've agreed that you're going to date, take it in turns depending on who is skinter, treat the other one for their birthday, whatever.

But it's really crass to expect a man to pay for a first date with a woman just because he has a penis. And that's basically what it boils down to.

Well the OP didn't expect it, and nor did I. I just thought it was a nice gesture when it happened and accepted it. Obviously that means that I'm now chained to the kitchen sink 24/7 wearing a flowery apron, cooking and cleaning for my husband.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 14/04/2024 19:29

cliovillee · 14/04/2024 19:27

Well the OP didn't expect it, and nor did I. I just thought it was a nice gesture when it happened and accepted it. Obviously that means that I'm now chained to the kitchen sink 24/7 wearing a flowery apron, cooking and cleaning for my husband.

Perhaps you had a good idea already that there clearly WOULD be further dates,on which you could take it in turns, treat each other etc. Must have, because you married him.

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