He wants me to transfer the money. AIBU to be put off now?

[whatasneezeyone]

Had a date. Went for sushi 🍣

I got a few dishes and he seemed to be counting his coming through. I got some strawberry cheesecake mochi and he said 'that looks nice. I'll try it maybe one time. Spend enough today ahahaa'

Went to tap the card as we agreed to split the bill

I did my half and my card got declined. I said to the waiter, quick as a flash, I'll need to insert my pin because I've probably tapped too many times now

The man I was with on the date said 'let me just get this, please'

And he tapped.

He's now messaging this evening saying 'can you transfer your half? As we did agree to go half. It's Santander xxx yyy lll'

The followed up straight away with a link and saying 'fancy this next week?'

So I have. And haven't replied back to say it's done

AIBU to not be interested now? Just seems a bit petty.

I personally would've just left it if the shoe was on the other foot

Not sure it matters if he's mean or skint really. If you are able to afford to do meals out and other pay for activities without worrying to this extent I think you may find it frustrating to be with a man who chooses to or has to count the pennies. Similar spending power and attitudes to money are important for equality and compatibility.

My observations:

When he said "I'll get this" especially on a first date there's usually some kind of conversation about it, however brief. You see it on the tv show First Dates often. Most people would say "oh, thanks, send me your bank details and I'll transfer my half later" OR "Oh, really, are you sure? I'm happy to pay my way, you did say you'd spent a fair bit this month....?"

Either way, his reply would tell you all you needed to know. I find it hard to believe you just sat there and nothing else was said, so now you're just second guessing the whole situation.

So many times on MN, I see people moaning about something their date did or said when often it's just down to poor communication. As soon as someone says "stingy - get rid", everyone else just jumps on the bandwagon. He could have been just saving you from embarrassment or awkwardness at that moment. Imagine if there HAD been a problem with the card - how was he to know? At that point he just wanted to get the bill paid and sorted, by whichever means.

As for then asking you later for your half, how do you know he's not had extra outgoings that month? We all have tight months. You did agree that you'd split the bill anyway.

Of course it depends on your stage of life. When you're young and skint you're happy to date someone young and skint, as long as you can see they've got career aspirations. If you're 30 and looking to settle down in the next few years you're not necessarily looking for someone who lives pay cheque to pay cheque and is on the same rung of the career ladder they were at 21. There's a fine line. I knew women same age as me when I was mid 20s who were all about going after the "city boys" with their BMWs and fat salaries and wouldn't have looked twice at someone retraining in the public sector, for example, because they just didn't have the "trappings" they were looking for. And yes, I guess they expected that the man WOULD get the bill each time.

Thankfully a lot of women these days are a bit more progressive in their thinking and wouldn't dream of the man paying for her on a first date just because they had a penis. No matter how much they earned. I find it hard to believe there are so many women on MN who come to these threads and call a man "mean" for wanting to go halves as agreed.

My last question - did you let him try a bit of your strawberry cheesecake mochi? He said it looked nice but had spent enough. If I were you I'd have asked if he wanted to try a bit.

Here you go.

Glad you circled it given that poster is clearly incapable of reading.

Lol fuck that. If he wanted dessert he should have ordered dessert instead of being a skinflint about it.

I thought I’d better, otherwise she’d say ‘BUT PROVE IT’!

Assuming he’s skint, aren’t skint people allowed to date? To me people who say they wouldn’t date a skint person are shallow and unappealing.

Of course they can date. Equally someone can choose not to date someone for any reason at all, and being in an unstable financial situation is a perfectly reasonable reason. I also wouldn’t date someone who was a massive football supporters, does that make me shallow and unappealing?

I don't want a skint bloke because I like to go out and eat nice food and do nice things, and I wouldn't get that with a skint bloke.

Someone who found that shallow and unappealing I obviously wouldn't be compatible with so no issues there whatsoever. Certainly didn't hamper me in my dating life, anyway.

Me either, I’m married now and don’t regret never dating skint people!

Also, to raise another point on this - I grew up in a family that had absolutely no money whatsoever and I would not want my kids to grow up that way if I could help it, so I wouldn't select as a potential life partner someone in a precarious financial situation.

Obviously everyone's finances can change tomorrow at the drop of a hat, but going on the information at the time, that's partly why I wouldn't want to go out with someone who didn't have any spare money.

No. I don’t like football either.

He didn't want it all! And he didn't ASK to try any. The nice thing for OP (or anyone) to do would have been to say "would you like to try a bit, then you'll know for next time?" Don't you do that sort of thing when you're out with your friends, family or colleagues?

People are just so selfish these days...

Of course. If push comes to shove they can date equally skint people. Which makes the most sense because then they will do things affordable to both and neither has to feel they are exploited or subsidised.

You made money on the half didn't you...

He was petty to include the pennies - but you are petty to not just pay him

She has paid him.

To me people who say they wouldn’t date a skint person are shallow and unappealing.

Yeah, I'd mark them as "not my kind of person" in my head. They wouldn't be a close friend as wouldn't share my values. So if OP really wouldn't date a skint person then yes, she should move on from this man as if he IS a bit skint, whether for that month only, and she's got plenty of money as she says, then they're going to be incompatible, even if the reason he's skint is a good one.

And as I've said, that's not how I'd have interpreted it.

Yes, but my friends and colleagues are different, I'm not trying to date them. I was mercenary as fuck when it came to dating because I knew what I wanted in a long-term partner, and someone who couldn't apparently couldn't afford dessert but would have been happy to take mine was not it.

I'm always treating my friends to meals/coffees out etc, especially the ones who I know haven't got much spare money.

Fair enough

I too agree with some previous replies, in that it would be nice to know how many more dishes the OP ordered (including the dessert, which he made a joke of, saying that it looked nice, and maybe he would try it sometime if he hadn’t spent enough money already). I would haven taken that comment as a joke, but maybe others wouldn’t? I would have also taken the comment about “chips” being on the menu as a joke too. Maybe he just wasn’t that into sushi food, as much as the OP was?

The OP suggested the sushi restaurant and her companion agreed (so I assume that he likes the food). I absolutely hate sushi, so I would have suggested a middle ground, if I was asked to agree on a choice of food on a first date. There was absolutely a miscommunication about the payment. When your card didn’t work, he should have made it clear that he was settling the bill and straightening it out later, and he didn’t give you a chance to insert your pin. That was wrong on his part, but again maybe a miscommunication?

However …… My query still stands. You both agreed to split the bill, but your portion of the bill sounds more? (i.e. the dessert). Yet, he still agreed to pay half, knowing that he may be out of pocket? Then you were a bit affronted when he asked for half of the money, despite maybe not eating half himself?

Only you can decide if he’s worth another date. I personally think that sushi may not have been his first choice of restaurant and he agreed to it to please you, as it’s your favourite. As they used to say on ‘Blind Date’, the “decision is yours”. Good luck with whatever you decide. I get the feeling that you may not be just into this particular one? You seem to be on the same wavelength as the carpet fitter, so good luck in your search. You will undoubtedly have to kiss a few frogs before finding your prince! Maybe throw this one back?

No man worth his salt lets a woman go halves on a first date. And why on earth should the OP have pushed her cheesecake over? He was being cheap, end of. Cheapness is an awful trait in a date.

The dates wouldn't have been "taking yours", though, would they? If you have a whole slice of cake, "taking yours" would mean eating all of it. That's what "taking yours" means. Offering one mouthful to someone else for them to taste it isn't going to detract from your enjoyment of the majority of the cake. If you're a normal person, that is. Who isn't setting some kind of secret compatibility/wealth test to their unsuspecting date using dessert. 😆

They didn't, but they would have failed even sooner had the men not paid for us both on the first couple of dates. Why is that so hard to understand? Just because someone fills one of a set of criteria which are the bare minimum to go on to another date, doesn't mean that you are going to live happily ever after. Good grief, I don't believe that adults need something to simple to be explained to them.

No man worth his salt? That's your opinion. Perhaps some men get a bit tired of going on dates with freeloading women after a free meal.