He wants me to transfer the money. AIBU to be put off now?

[whatasneezeyone]

Had a date. Went for sushi 🍣

I got a few dishes and he seemed to be counting his coming through. I got some strawberry cheesecake mochi and he said 'that looks nice. I'll try it maybe one time. Spend enough today ahahaa'

Went to tap the card as we agreed to split the bill

I did my half and my card got declined. I said to the waiter, quick as a flash, I'll need to insert my pin because I've probably tapped too many times now

The man I was with on the date said 'let me just get this, please'

And he tapped.

He's now messaging this evening saying 'can you transfer your half? As we did agree to go half. It's Santander xxx yyy lll'

The followed up straight away with a link and saying 'fancy this next week?'

So I have. And haven't replied back to say it's done

AIBU to not be interested now? Just seems a bit petty.

I personally would've just left it if the shoe was on the other foot

Whilst I do think that paying half on first dates should be more normalised this feels icky. I would be saying no to another date 👎

Full-on ick

The real issues are

1. He thought it was fine to step in and ignore you when you said you were entering your pin. Thinking he knows best for you on a first date. Where's that leading to a year down the line.
2. He can not communicate clearly. Whatever the rights and wrongs about your interpretation of the situation, what he thought and meant wasn't what you thought he thought and meant. How's that going to develop in a relationship.
3. If he thought there was any chance of the relationship developing then surely he would be willing to 'risk' his 30 quid on getting it back at the next date.

But you have to go back to the fact he thought he knew best and over ruled your stated solution of entering your pin, without even giving you the chance. Whatever his motivation for this, he basically didn't value your solution to your issue and made it more complicated for you by having to set up a payee etc.
And I with you in that if someone says to me 'I'll get this' I would not expect an invoice. 'I'll get this and we can sort it out later' is different.
Or even better 'shall I get this and we can sort it out later' giving an option for you to be heard.

He didn't know you had the funds and '10 times over' did he? He was saving you from potential embarrassment.
£60 is alot for a first date when you went in thinking it was going to be split so I don't see anything wrong in him asking. I'd have thought you'd say to him straight away that you'd transfer your half. You shouldn't have waited to be asked.

Where do people live that £60 is a lot for a first date meal for two?

On a first date no one is going to be "that into you". Because they don't know you. That's the point of a first date - to get to know each other and to ascertain over time whether you're actually into each other or not. How on earth would you expect someone to be head over heels for you, having never met you before?

DH and I were keen on each other from day dot.

Then that’s fine, it’s what was agreed.

These would be red flags for me.

Not letting you try again on the card-
Possible controlling tbh

Coming back and asking for the money -
Penny pinching

I wouldn't follow this one up

You may well have fancied each other and enjoyed each other's company for a couple of hours but actually loving someone only comes with getting to know them on a deeper level, which only happens over time.

It's a control freaky thing to do. Assume OP needs saving from embarrassing situation which isn't embarrassing at all and happens every day to all of us using debit cards.
Assume he knows best even though OP has offered a solution that would take 20 seconds to implement. That's ingrained personality.
It's a big Big red flag when someone ignores your wishes over something like this. Best case is he isn't listening to you, worse case he doesn't care about what you say.

I would be utterly turned off. It's his obvious suspicion of you that's repulsive. "You did say we would split." UGH!!! Yeah I also said I'd put my pin in you tightwad and then YOU said you'd get it.

You just know he's sitting at home thinking about that woman he met who he thinks he'd like to see again but he's not going to be caught out! She can pay her way not be using her tactics to get free food. And as for the counting the dishes, refusing dessert and even the non rounding of the money owed... Come on you know you're right here OP this is a deal-breaker.

I'm very generous though, don't stress about money and deplore tightness in friends or love interests. It's not attractive. It takes the joy out of treating them. And it reveals much more about their personality beyond money. It's a myth too that it's about being short on money. People's attitudes to money don't change with their changing fortunes; generous people finding themselves fallen on hard times will skip the restaurant and treat you to a picnic instead. Stingy wealthy people will book a Michelin restaurant then get the calculator out.

Don't see him again. If he pushes for a reason I'd say "I didn't like how you interfered with me paying my share of the bill and offered to pay then later reminded me I'd agreed to pay half. I'm not interested in having to prove myself or dealing with your suspicions."

Good luck with the other guy. Sounds promising so far.

YANBU. Bin him off. I actually don't date men who don't pay on the first date anyway, as it is a bad sign IMO. But the scenario you laid out is even worse, him flashing the cash in public and then demanding his half in private. Immediate ick.

This. It would definitely put me off him as he was not being transparent. You don’t want to be second guessing what he really means.

And sushi is expensive so if he’s short of money he shouldn’t have gone there in the first place. Better to indulge in a bag of chips together but it be a fun experience.

Havent RTFT yet, was it possible he offered to pay it to save you embarrassment with the card?

Given he’s immediately asked to go out again, surely the natural thing to do would have been for you to pick up
the bill the next time? All seems very transactional. If the scenario you laid out happened with a friend, surely you’d do the same (assuming you weren’t desperate for the £30)?

Please tell us that you put TIGHT BASTARD or similar as the payment reference...

He was so quick to ask so he was panicked also.

Having said that I can imagine my now dh doing that and he has major issues with money due to his upbringing.

Having said that we sort of meet in the middle.

And I could see it was his extreme hard line parents.

But my dh is an outlier and this would still really put me off

@TheOccupier😂 @

I don't understand what would be embarrassing? Others have said this as a reason as well. My card often gets declined when using contactless. I don't find it embarrassing. I find it a tad annoying as I then need to get it back out and put the pin in. But that's just me being impatient and easily irritated. Unless it was being declined repeatedly including with chip and pin and she was starting to look worried I don't see why anyone would get embarrassed. I had it happen last week when I went for lunch with a friend. I just put the card in and put my pin in. It wasn't even mentioned as a thing. If my friend was embarrassed for me that would be weird.

@WimpoleHat
. Everything is seems to extremely transactional these days.I do precisely this so you do precisely that.

Unfortunately I don't know if him wanting to see her again is genuine.
Maybe he does but in large part I reckon he only did that to make sure she did pay him.

Did you like him enough before bill came to think about another date ?

If so then yes try the next place he linked

You said you would split the bill. You did send over half.

Tho carpet fitter also sounds nice

See that would put me off.

If it was me I'd just ask for £30 if I was going to ask at all

does a 12 year age gap really affect a relationship later on in life. Male 55 female 43

Think you're on the wrong thread.