He wants me to transfer the money. AIBU to be put off now?

[whatasneezeyone]

Had a date. Went for sushi 🍣

I got a few dishes and he seemed to be counting his coming through. I got some strawberry cheesecake mochi and he said 'that looks nice. I'll try it maybe one time. Spend enough today ahahaa'

Went to tap the card as we agreed to split the bill

I did my half and my card got declined. I said to the waiter, quick as a flash, I'll need to insert my pin because I've probably tapped too many times now

The man I was with on the date said 'let me just get this, please'

And he tapped.

He's now messaging this evening saying 'can you transfer your half? As we did agree to go half. It's Santander xxx yyy lll'

The followed up straight away with a link and saying 'fancy this next week?'

So I have. And haven't replied back to say it's done

AIBU to not be interested now? Just seems a bit petty.

I personally would've just left it if the shoe was on the other foot

Yeah but someone saying £60 is not a slap up meal on a date is no reason to give a lecture on what families can afford.

Exactly. It is utterly irrelevant.

I think you overreacted. You agreed to pay your share and when your card didn't go through, he stepped in to cover any embarrassment. (He maybe thought it would be declined again when you put your pin in). At that point you should have thanked him and asked for him to give you his bank details. As it was, he felt awkward and had to message you about it later. He then offered to go out again next week. Doesn't sound like he has an issue with money to me. He is a man so he should suck up any additional costs? Sounds sexist to me. I am NOT a man btw.

But you can decline to see someone again for any reason you like. Not sure why you need to ask MN about it, if it's all clear cut to you.

The point I was trying to make – clearly very badly! – was that £60 IS a slap up meal to some people. Obviously not on MN, but to some, definitely. It might well have been to OP's date. She chose the restaurant. For her to then denigrate him with her 'cost of living vibes' is what's really icky.

But what we are all unanimously agreed on is that they are clearly incompatible and she shouldn't do a second date. For his sake as much as hers.

Cringe.

Where is the romance?! If he couldn't afford a sushi meal he should have planned something cheaper/free. That can still be romantic.

You did the right thing to transfer him. Now, never seen him again IMO. He's not socially skilled and it's icky.

If someone immediately starts commenting on spending and money in the first date I’d swerve.

Just follow your gut. If this puts you off then forget him and concentrate on the other bloke. If you had really clicked with this bloke I doubt this paying thing would matter that much.

Bluegh, No I wouldn't be seeing him again.

Then pay your way, it’s what you agreed to do.

He's a single, presumably relatively young accountant. On what planet would this particular individual consider £60 to be an expensive meal out?

I could spend £60 in Nando's!

YANBU it would be a no from me. There’s some sort of issue with money that I wouldn’t want involved with.

She has. It's in the OP.

He's now messaging this evening saying 'can you transfer your half? As we did agree to go half. It's Santander xxx yyy lll'

The followed up straight away with a link and saying 'fancy this next week?'

So I have. And haven't replied back to say it's done

You have no idea what he earns or where in the country he and OP are. An accountant in the north east, for instance, won't earn as much as an accountant in central London. He could also have dependents - he's single now, but he might be divorced. OP doesn't say. Just because £60 isn't a lot to you doesn't mean it's not a lot to others.

So? For some people that would be a luxury they couldn't afford.

I think there are a lot of people here missing the point entirely!

I know if it were me in this situation I’d have no issue at all with paying my half as agreed. What I would very much have an issue with is a man playing the big ‘look at me and how generous I am’ in front of the waiter only to claw back that generosity later on in quiet.

Her card wasn't declined though in the sense she didn't have funds or the technology wasn't working, as people have explained numerous times in this thread. It just needed to be inserted in the machine with a pin, like countless people do every day.

He didn't need to take over and make the big gesture. It was grandstanding and being overbearing. I'd hate it if anyone just comandeered the machine whether a date or not - the first issue. Then he went back on it - the second issue.

FWIW I don't think blokes should have to pay for the first date, especially as so many people date extremely casually these days so there often isn't a second date. I'd feel terrible getting a bloke to pay for me and then saying thanks but no thanks at the end of the date, how do they live with themselves?

But he should have treated the OP like the adult and equal that she is and asked if he wanted her to pay or let her try inserting the card before taking over. And I would have said that to a woman in the same scenario.

Well said. In a nutshell.

she wanted him to pay - not the other way round

”I got a few dishes and he seemed to be counting his coming through. I got some strawberry cheesecake mochi and he said 'that looks nice. I'll try it maybe one time. Spend enough today ahahaa'”….
Honestly you didn’t need to say any more. That would have been enough for me to say cheque please!

First dates are best behaviour, you release the crazy over time 😉. If he were skint but charming he would have used it as an excuse to line up the next date and said ‘let me, you get the next one’.

The fact he wanted paying back before asking you for another date suggests his priorities are finding someone to share costs with rather than having fun. Maybe he’s been burnt in the past, maybe it’s the accountant in him or maybe he casts his net wide and goes on lots of dates. Who knows.
Agreeing to split with someone you don’t know is fine but once he’d met you, and liked you enough to ask on another date, surely £30 shouldn’t be a big deal (especially as you would probably pay next time).

BTW accountants don’t always earn big (only the ones trained at big names earn well and go onto mega bucks) but they earn enough to stand a £60 date if they like someone!

This!

A lot of people very chippy about the cost of living thing too. But that comment about not wanting to spend much would have put me off massively as well.

If a guy can't buy you a meal, he's not going to be a good partner in life. I could not date someone this petty. Also, if he's skint you're not going to be going places. Stuff that.

Well exactly! It's not like OP was going on a date with a single parent on the breadline.

Surely a first date with someone met online is just a try out to see if you get on? Nothing wrong in not investing much in that. If they dont offer to pay for the second date I'd be more concerned.

If you enjoyed the date give him a second chance, but if looks and money are all that matter to you then pass.

Back in my dating days if a man offered to pay I would accept only if I knew I wanted to see him again. Otherwise I would insist on paying my half.