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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My sister asked me this

132 replies

lovedogsandcats · 13/04/2024 15:41

My sister 1 has been on her own for years . Seemingly happily so but did have 2 difficult long term relationships. She has 2 grown up daughters both in loving stable and happy relationships.
Just been away on holiday with sister 1 and sister 2 ( sister 2 is married ) along with my husband and sister 2s husband .
I lost one my daughters to suicide 5 years ago . She was 19 .
Over wine ( plenty of it ) sister 1 was talking about how lucky we were to have loving partners and so are her daughters. I agreed but pointed out that she still has both her beautiful girls and how lucky she was too . She then said ' but you'd rather have what you have with your DH than have your daughter. Wouldn't you?'
AIBU to be dwelling on the fact that she asked me this ?It was in front of all of us (inc DH) . I replied that I would have my daughter back in a heartbeat.
DH went to bed shortly after this and next morning suggested I should not have made my comment in the first place .
Im not sure whether to talk to her about it .
There is a hit of a backstory about our relationship- I've always felt a bit bullied by her .
What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 13/04/2024 15:46

My thoughts are she’s tactless when drunk. Don’t go on holiday with her again. I’m very sorry for your loss 💐

Crunchymum · 13/04/2024 15:47

I mean even if you think that, you just don't fucking say it do you?

And it's totally incomparable of course. A partner for a child? I'd have lost my shit to be honest.

I'm sorry you lost your daughter, in what I'm sure was very harrowing circumstances, and nobody should ever make such thoughtless and ridiculous comments about it.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/04/2024 15:49

I'm very sorry for your loss, but I agree with your DH.

Your comment essentially turned the conversation into a "who is the luckiest/unluckiest" competition, and it was you that brought the (unspoken) topic of your daughter up. That was never going to end well, particularly with alcohol in the mix.

Her next question was obviously wholly inappropriate, but you chose to continue the conversation by answering it.

Shinyandnew1 · 13/04/2024 15:50

DH went to bed shortly after this and next morning suggested I should not have made my comment in the first place

Your husband told you that you shouldn’t have said you’d have your daughter back in a heartbeat? I don’t understand how he thought you were being unreasonable?

Your sister was being tactless (pissed?!) but I don’t get your husband’s comment at all

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/04/2024 15:51

Shinyandnew1 · 13/04/2024 15:50

DH went to bed shortly after this and next morning suggested I should not have made my comment in the first place

Your husband told you that you shouldn’t have said you’d have your daughter back in a heartbeat? I don’t understand how he thought you were being unreasonable?

Your sister was being tactless (pissed?!) but I don’t get your husband’s comment at all

I read it as the DH saying that she shouldn't have made her first comment - pointing out that sister 1 still has both her daughters.

AllEars112232 · 13/04/2024 15:52

I think your sister was incredibly insensitive and I would have said exactly the same as you did.
I'm so sorry you lost your daughter. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. You have your DH have experienced a terrible trauma.

KrisAkabusi · 13/04/2024 15:52

Shinyandnew1 · 13/04/2024 15:50

DH went to bed shortly after this and next morning suggested I should not have made my comment in the first place

Your husband told you that you shouldn’t have said you’d have your daughter back in a heartbeat? I don’t understand how he thought you were being unreasonable?

Your sister was being tactless (pissed?!) but I don’t get your husband’s comment at all

Because he meant she shouldn't have made her first comment:
"I agreed but pointed out that she still has both her beautiful girls and how lucky she was too "

Your sister was obviously crass, but I agree with your husband, you brought your daughter into the conversation in the fireplace.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/04/2024 15:54

This is an innocuous comment - "sister 1 was talking about how lucky we were to have loving partners and so are her daughters"

It was the OP that turned the conversation to her daughter, almost playing it as a trump card.

The OP's DH is just as much a grieving parent as the OP is, and he obviously wasn't happy to hear his daughter being brought into the conversation in that way.

MonsieurSpade · 13/04/2024 15:55

KrisAkabusi · 13/04/2024 15:52

Because he meant she shouldn't have made her first comment:
"I agreed but pointed out that she still has both her beautiful girls and how lucky she was too "

Your sister was obviously crass, but I agree with your husband, you brought your daughter into the conversation in the fireplace.

Show quote history

Why shouldn’t OP talk about her dd?
Any mother would put their dd’s life above a relationship.
The sister is insensitive and tactless and frankly doesn’t know what she’s talking about!

Strictly1 · 13/04/2024 15:59

Having lost an immediate family member to suicide I am sadly used to people’s morbid interest and assumptions around suicide.

She was incredibly wrong and I would find that comment very hard to forgive.

I watched it break my parents and they carried it with them until their deaths. It was like they lived under a cloud from that day forward.

How your sister could be so cruel I do not know.

I’m so sorry x

Original poster
lovedogsandcats · 13/04/2024 16:02

My husband meant that I shouldn't have brought my situation in to the conversation at all . She was getting v teary about her own situation and I am not sure if I was trying to show her how lucky she was or if I was just thinking about myself.

OP posts:
Botanica · 13/04/2024 16:02

Your husband is right. You should not have said what you did as you opened up the conversation into a race to the bottom.

Your correct response would have been to nod and agree how lucky you were and leave it at that.

It was your reply that turned it into a competition which triggered her wholly inappropriate comment.

lazyarse123 · 13/04/2024 16:03

Sister and DH are both out of order and as for pp saying she used her DD as a trump card, I am almost speechless. I imagine ops lost DD is never very far from her thoughts so any conversation especially one about how lucky someone is will automatically make op think hang on I don't feel lucky and she'd be right. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Original poster
lovedogsandcats · 13/04/2024 16:05

Thank you for your replies and good wishes. I've not really discussed this any further with DH . He is the step father ( not that that would change my view) .

OP posts:
Original poster
lovedogsandcats · 13/04/2024 16:07

Botanica · 13/04/2024 16:02

Your husband is right. You should not have said what you did as you opened up the conversation into a race to the bottom.

Your correct response would have been to nod and agree how lucky you were and leave it at that.

It was your reply that turned it into a competition which triggered her wholly inappropriate comment.

If I'm honest, on reflection, that's what I'm worried that I might have done . Unintentionally.

OP posts:
JasmineTea11 · 13/04/2024 16:07

It's a really wierd thing to say, as an adult should really understand that you don't get to decide who dies. It's even worse she said it in front of your husband. Drink can make people talk absolute shite.

Zanatdy · 13/04/2024 16:08

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/04/2024 15:51

I read it as the DH saying that she shouldn't have made her first comment - pointing out that sister 1 still has both her daughters.

Show quote history

Your sister was very tactless but you led the conversation down that path so I also do agree with your DH. I’d just brush it off - too much alcohol and deep conversations not a great mix

MolkosTeenageAngst · 13/04/2024 16:08

lovedogsandcats · 13/04/2024 16:02

My husband meant that I shouldn't have brought my situation in to the conversation at all . She was getting v teary about her own situation and I am not sure if I was trying to show her how lucky she was or if I was just thinking about myself.

It was insensitive to bring it up during a conversation in which she was upset about being single and trying to express her feelings, you were basically invalidating her feelings and telling her she has no right to be upset about being single because she hasn’t lost a child. It’s not that black and white, of course somebody can be upset about being single if a relationship is what they desire regardless of what other good things they have in their life. It does sound like you were playing ‘poor me’ top trumps.

That’s not to say that her comment wasn’t insensitive, but you were insensitive and invalidating her feelings and situation first and I think the fact she probably felt defensive and invalidated coupled with the fact there was alcohol involved is an explanation, even if not an excuse, for her comment.

JamSandle · 13/04/2024 16:08

I'd blame it on alcohol and leave it alone.

Original poster
lovedogsandcats · 13/04/2024 16:09

JasmineTea11 · 13/04/2024 16:07

It's a really wierd thing to say, as an adult should really understand that you don't get to decide who dies. It's even worse she said it in front of your husband. Drink can make people talk absolute shite.

I think drink had a lot to do with it . We kind of just moved on from the conversation without any further comment. It's just really niggling me

OP posts:
AssassinsEyebrow · 13/04/2024 16:09

She then said ' but you'd rather have what you have with your DH than have your daughter. Wouldn't you?'

There is no excuse for this comment. None whatsoever. I genuinely cannot believe, drunk and sad or not, that she said such an awful thing.

I also don't think the op was wrong to bring up her late daughter. I can see how some have interpreted it as 'I've been through worse than you' but to not mention her daughter would have been to ignore her existence and her loss.

You have done nothing wrong, op. I am angry on your behalf and would struggle to forgive your sister for such a comment.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/04/2024 16:09

lovedogsandcats · 13/04/2024 16:07

If I'm honest, on reflection, that's what I'm worried that I might have done . Unintentionally.

Show quote history

Alcohol isn't great at helping people to make good judgements unfortunately! I'd just draw a line under it. Her question was definitely wrong, but unless there is a wider pattern of behaviour where she dismisses your loss, I'd move on from it.

bradpittsbathwater · 13/04/2024 16:10

Just try and forget about it. You'd all been drinking.

coldcallerbaiter · 13/04/2024 16:14

Very sorry for your loss. There’s a mum on another thread atm who has been has this loss recently…

Original poster
lovedogsandcats · 13/04/2024 16:15

Possible that my response to her was unreasonable in the first place . I think the advice here is less wine and more respect for each other . Maybe my comment diminished what she was saying . Bloody hell !!

OP posts: