My sister asked me this

[lovedogsandcats]

My sister 1 has been on her own for years . Seemingly happily so but did have 2 difficult long term relationships. She has 2 grown up daughters both in loving stable and happy relationships.
Just been away on holiday with sister 1 and sister 2 ( sister 2 is married ) along with my husband and sister 2s husband .
I lost one my daughters to suicide 5 years ago . She was 19 .
Over wine ( plenty of it ) sister 1 was talking about how lucky we were to have loving partners and so are her daughters. I agreed but pointed out that she still has both her beautiful girls and how lucky she was too . She then said ' but you'd rather have what you have with your DH than have your daughter. Wouldn't you?'
AIBU to be dwelling on the fact that she asked me this ?It was in front of all of us (inc DH) . I replied that I would have my daughter back in a heartbeat.
DH went to bed shortly after this and next morning suggested I should not have made my comment in the first place .
Im not sure whether to talk to her about it .
There is a hit of a backstory about our relationship- I've always felt a bit bullied by her .
What are your thoughts?

He really didn't strop off . He just left shortly after the question . None of this was heated or angry. We carried on having a "pleasant" evening but it had just stayed with me ...and I suspect with her .

It was in drink, maybe you touched a nerve, she felt defensive? Maybe it's that she's cold hearted and horrible but I think that's highly unlikely.
Maybe you should chat when sober and not hungover, kind of mutually apologise, acknowledge you are both lucky and unlucky, but have different experiences and just want to be supportive. I certainly wouldn't fall out over it.

weird post.

there is literally nothing to support your assertation that the DH 'went to bed in a strop.'

And then the random schoolyard rhyme at the end, just odd and a bit inappropriate given the topic under discussion. Like ending a post with 'I know you are but what am I?'

I get that.
But if you think about that, you would never have said to a friend what you said to her.
And because you have a tricky relationship, she went for the jugular.
U need to reach an entente cordial if you are going to be around each other a lot more or there will be carnage.

I think you shouldn’t have brought your Dd up. Of course she’s there in your mind and I’m so sorry for your loss. But she was talking about how lucky everyone was to be in a romantic partnership (happy relationships are lucky). She’s allowed to be sad about that and to want it for herself.

What she said back was really strange though.

I would forget about it, you were all drinking and I’m sure she’s regretting what she said as well.

Park it - you’d all been drinking. She sounds goady and your DH took it as yes, and wad probably just a bit hurt.

So sorry about your DD, an unimaginable loss 💐

I don't think you should made your initial comment. You are lucky to have a loving partner. Your daughter dying is unrelated to that. And she longs for love, and has suffered unhappy relationships, having children doesn't negate that.

But her comment about rather having a husband than a living daughter is silly, no sane person would give their child's life in exchange for love.

Perhaps your sister didn't mean it BUT 5 years is pretty recent and your sister shouldn't of really said that in front of your DH... you did right to call her out OP. Agree with others too probably was the alcohol

Bless your heart x

I've just sent a simple message to her now to say that I am sorry if I hijacked what she was trying to say and I'm hoping she takes that well . I am trying to avoid a confrontation but I'm sure it will just bubble away and cause more problems in the future if I don't accept my part in this

Yes, you maybe shouldn’t have said what you said, but your sister’s reply was utterly weird. I mean, who thinks anyone would prefer anything over their own child? No, your child is more important than any other person. What a strange thing to say or think.

Imo both your sister and your dh are unreasonable and completely out of line. Your sister is lucky to have both her children. If she's unhappy being single then she can change that , you unfortunate can't change the passing of your daughter and her question was disgusting. So sorry for your tragic loss.

This

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. My friend lost her 18 year old daughter to the same. Your sister cannot possibly understand how it feels like and imo her attitude is shocking. I would be so disappointed in her.

Are you for real? Why on earth should she apologise.

I've read this multiple times, including OP's updates, and I'm still at a complete loss as to what she's supposed to have said wrong. Sister was massively out of order.

Your sister got offended and brought your daughter who has passed into it. It should be her apologising to you and worrying how you'll respond, not other way round!

She's replied to my message and thanked me for acknowledging that I devalued her feelings and that she knows I'm in pain . No mention of what she said . She may have forgotten because she had been drinking. Oh dear 😳

I'm staggered by this type of response.

How anyone can talk about how hard it is to be single to an op who lost a child to suicide is completely alien to me. It beggars belief.

Is was sister 1 who brought up her daughter, not the OP:

sister 1 was talking about how lucky we were to have loving partners and so are her daughters.

OP, I am so sorry you lost your daughter. That must have been devastating for you and your husband and children.

Honestly, I would want to punch your sister. What a ridiculous and cruel thing to say.

I can see your husband was hurt but I think he should be angry with your sister, not with you. How could you say anything except that you wanted your daughter back?

I think she knows exactly what she said.

Its her who is out of order not you

Indeed.

It should be her apologising to you OP.

Perhaps a more gracious reply would have been something along the lines of ‘we’ve all loved and lost in different way but aren’t we all lucky to have each other in this lovely holiday’

Unfortunately in the heat of the moment and especially after wine we don’t always have time to consider the best reply.

hugs to OP

You were both very insensitive.

There’s absolutely no excuse for saying what she did.

She started the conversation for going on about how lucky you are. I’m single and would love the security of a relationship….I feel anxious a lot of the time having to face everything alone. However, I would not dream of telling someone in your situation that they were lucky even if I was really drunk.

As if you’d that as your trump card. I really despair at how some people’s minds work.

I think I messaged her hoping that it would offer her the opportunity to do the same . That backfired a bit . Bloody hell . I think I'm going to have to suck it up and move in