My sister asked me this

[lovedogsandcats]

My sister 1 has been on her own for years . Seemingly happily so but did have 2 difficult long term relationships. She has 2 grown up daughters both in loving stable and happy relationships.
Just been away on holiday with sister 1 and sister 2 ( sister 2 is married ) along with my husband and sister 2s husband .
I lost one my daughters to suicide 5 years ago . She was 19 .
Over wine ( plenty of it ) sister 1 was talking about how lucky we were to have loving partners and so are her daughters. I agreed but pointed out that she still has both her beautiful girls and how lucky she was too . She then said ' but you'd rather have what you have with your DH than have your daughter. Wouldn't you?'
AIBU to be dwelling on the fact that she asked me this ?It was in front of all of us (inc DH) . I replied that I would have my daughter back in a heartbeat.
DH went to bed shortly after this and next morning suggested I should not have made my comment in the first place .
Im not sure whether to talk to her about it .
There is a hit of a backstory about our relationship- I've always felt a bit bullied by her .
What are your thoughts?

Sister 1 - single for years after two bad relationships

Sister 2 - infertile and husband cheated

Sister 3 (op)- Tragically lost her beautiful daughter to suicide.

OP, first off let offer my deepest sympathies. I am so sorry for your loss.

All three of you have been through the ringer. You've all got significant trauma and loss.

I have found in my own life, when people feel heard it helps them move on. Feeling validated is such a gift to each other. Given you thought she was happily single for many years it seems this was a rare bit of emotional honesty she was sharing. That can be hard and she probably felt shut down by you. As though she's not allowed to hurt because you hurt more.

I HATE what she said to you. That was awful and not ok. I can't even imagining thinking that way. She owes you an apology.

Your second sister might be wrestling with her own place in this. She wanted children. Infertility involves it's own private hell.

I think you could all be a huge support to each other. You've all been through a lot. You could be eachothers biggest cheerleaders. 💝

Im a single parent, which is hard and I have also lost a child. My son died 13 years ago. I still have 2 other sons. It is a million times worse to lose a child than to lose a husband. It's incomparable. (My husband left he didn't die so arguable not the same but I would rather a partner/ husband died than a child. So you are lucky to have a husband (if you are happy together and he isn't abusive etc.) But, however difficult she finds being single it is nothing compared to losing a child.
Maybe she feels like no one acknowledges that it's hard for her to be the one without a partner but it was an inappropriate topic to have. I think speaking about a lost child in any sort of controversial way is a big no no so she should always be sensitive around that.
Sorry for the loss of your daughter.

I honestly think that you have behaved with great grace on this thread and in your message to your sister. I hope you find peace and I am so sorry you have lost your cherished daughter 💐

" I wish I could just accept her meanness ( hopefully not intended)and move on . That will probably work out for the best . It's such a complicated relationship with so many elements. She clearly can either not remember it or sees nothing wrong in it ."

Maybe she has form for being insensitive and mean in general, I don't know.

But in my experience, sucking it up and moving on is not really moving on, most people are going to remember this kind of hurt against them even if they do their best to ignore it future. And so ignoring it is exactly how the eggshells you're walking on in your relationship become eggshells.

She might just be a really unreasonable person. But you're not no contact with her and you go on holiday together, so that tells me there's at least some closeness there you want to hold on to.

Even though it's unusual for you to chat on the phone, I really think you should call her and tell her how upset and hurt you are about it. Especially if you think she may have been so drunk she doesn't remember saying it. Tell her how you feel about it so she can at least acknowledge how she upset you. At the very least you will know where you stand.

At the moment you don't and I think that will gnaw away at you even though you try to pretend it didn't happen and move on.

meant kindly, her describing you as lucky was the problem in the first place IMO - whatever you have when you lost a child, amplified even further if that’s possible by the circumstances of the loss, I don’t think you can ever be described as lucky. I’m so sorry for your loss

First of im so sorry for your loss my bf died from suicide and its just the most horrific way to lose someone. I think you where both wrong in what was said and I think the alcohol is to blame for that. I think its just best to let it go.

I think it's an awful thing to say to someone who has lost a child in that way and I would struggle to forgive her.